My grief is unrelenting
it’s crushing in its weight
you’re standing right in front of me
but you move in retrograde
It’s been three months since you confessed
that you don’t love me anymore
you left me drowning in my sadness
as I cried on the bathroom floor
I want to say I won’t keep trying
that I will grow around the void you left
but mom, it’s your illness talking
and I can’t fault you for that
Just please don’t start too big of a fire
that the whole bridge comes burning down
because once there’s only ashes
there is no way to walk on back
Where we 1st met: 41.06°N, -74.02°W
Our first kiss: 41.09°N, -73.92°W
Our first date: 41.16°N, -73.97°W
Our first “I love You:” 41.07°N, -74.02°W
Our first carnival: 41.01°N, -74.01°W
Our first vacation: 20.21°N, -87.45W
It’s been 14 hours since we’ve last talked
and your still on the center stage of my mind
The amount of self-discipline it takes to not call you
is pretty ******* amazing.
& the truth is that I already miss you;
I know you are angry right now
but know I’m sending you thoughts of love you messages
hoping it reaches you in time.
It’s funny how words have no meaning
until they are jumbled in just the right way,
pieced together perfectly;
hitting just the right spot.
Today I stand in front of you with a confession to make.
I need to apologize for all the ways I have failed you as a partner.
There have been many times when I can immediately taste the regret of
my harsh words.
And we are both left hearing the echoing silence of my incomplete apologies.
I wish I was given lessons on how to properly care for another’s heart.
Because I now see the cuts I have made and I know that I have
gotten things wrong.
Please forgive me for all my sharp edges, because I’m trying to smooth myself out.
I want to learn how to heal with my words; to build you up
instead of tearing you down.
Just know that I love you;
oh **** I love you. And I am trying.
I will always try.
Today I woke with a familiar dread
a storm of my own;
a whirlwind of insecurities
It's an intrusive self-created enemy,
that disguises my fears as truths
There have been nights too
where I sleep with my demon
and once again awake to yesterday's past
The one who chooses all the best meals,
the giver of roses, the boy with
the black bag of popcorn, the one I will always
choose first no matter what else is on the
shelf, the chocolate ice cream, the right amount
of sugar, the cocoa, the parts that makes
Here are all the things I never said
but should start,
That you’ve always been
the constant figure in my life
at every cheer competition
and book club meeting
That when my life has shaken
split at its seams
you’ve always been there
to pick me up and
mend me back together
That you remind me of
shoulders I’ve cried on
and apologies I never gave
But would you believe me
if I said you are the single most important person
who shaped who I am today
and that i’ve been trying for years
to pick the words from my throat
in attempts to explain to you
all the ways I appreciate
Because if anyone ever asks
who I need the most
my reply will always be my mom
And I need you to know
that I love you
in the simplest of ways
When I call you
my little sister,
it means I’ve loved you
since the moment you
jaywalked into my life
chattering louder and longer
than all of the rest.
It means you’ve always had
at least two voices
during any battle against mom
and an occasionally great Uber driver
if you requested me before 8pm.
We may have came
from the same DNA
but it’s clear I was our parents’ first-draft;
while you are the final, printed version
bursting from the pages
wide-eyed and enthusiastic.
You my dear sister
have never walked in my shadow….
you wear glowing shoes
that I even borrow sometimes
and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
On nights like this
we tell our stories,
and turn up the volume on all
our deepest thoughts
I tell you my secrets
and you show me your paper-napkin wishes
I say I love you
and you let your body speak on your behalf
Tonight our smiles
echo through every room,
as we laugh in unison
till the morning is jealous
It is not the fear of aging that scares you;
it is the fear of never turning back
But my love, you are not a single serving
with a best-used-by date
You are ******* stardust,
a glow that continues to outshine
No amount of change or time
can drown out your inner-light
And my love, there is so much on your horizon,
and oh so much more for you to become
There is no perfect word,
no adjective or noun
just a combination of
Am I enough?
It's a moment where my insecurities
are no longer a low hum
and I discover a whole
new shade of
I used to hold onto your words
that love wasn’t always on time
That maybe love
was more like a stubborn flower,
that needed many seasons to bloom
But somewhere along the lines
I realized that our hourglass was titled
That our relationship was built
on a temporary foundation;
lined with excuses
and oh so many
And for the longest time
I began to put question marks behind
all your hellos and goodbyes?
Thinking back, I wish I listened
to all the good advice and intuition
I stuffed at the back of my closest
waiting for a later date…..
When I would realize
that you would only ever
see me as a visitor
And since you left,
I was forced to build in your absence-
a place where I learned to properly
treat the new resident
I now call my home.
— The End —