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Dec 2021
Remember when you told me you thought you were incapable of loving someone or even liking them in an emotionally romantic way? Did u mean that?

Srry I know we haven’t talked in a while and this is kinda out of the blue but i realized i feel the same way

it’s like i try to connect with someone on that level, that intimate level, where i try to let them in enough to where i feel like they can really see me, and then i just hit a wall

but i feel like i’m always working towards that connection. you know? like everyone wants to be seen.

but it’s stupid because every time i get close enough to that vulnerable visibility i can’t bare to be around that person anymore. every bit of my body revolts and i have to get away from anyone who could possibly see me. i have to get as far away as possible as fast as possible

and i always thought it was just a case of the wrong person

that they weren’t the right one the one who would make me feel comfortable enough
and the next one i picked would be better

but it’s never like that

and maybe it’s not the other person
maybe they’re just doing and feeling what two people who are romantically involved should do and should feel

maybe i’m in the wrong

like i don’t think i can love someone because being close to people makes me feel disgusted with myself

anyways what i’m saying is if u do feel like that i think i get it
Ellis Holden
Written by
Ellis Holden  21/F
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