—
24 october 2016,
Monday never felt so blue.
Lived for 74 years in this warm planet,
It took you 7 years to go after your sister,
I didn't cry when i heard the news because i already knew.

I wasn't as strong as i thought,
When the sun was burried by the moon,
The night sky let down it's tears,
As a sign for their grief i guess,
Because mine does too.

I may not have done everything that you asked me to do so,
I am sorry
I am sorry.

I think me and my dad's love for chocolates descended from you,
So does our sense of humor

I am sorry i have been so busy lately,
I swear i am not neglecting you,
But time is merciless.
I remember you wanted to go to that park, which I haven't taken you yet because you are already gone

On my 17th birthday,
I visited you in that hospital
Your eyes were not clear and seemed dim, it doesn't shine as it used to
Your hands tremble everytime you move, but you are still using the black watch that my dad gave you,
You said you were getting better
And you will be home soon
In your hoarse voice
That will be my most-bitter birthday
Because I didn't picture it'll be like that,

I want to take you and everyone else to go somewhere,
But you are already gone before i had the chance to do so


I may not have remembered everything that has happened these past 17 years,
But i will always remember your bedtime-stories that you told me in that orange room,
Or when you laugh inside our old-minivan
Or when you tried to scare me to go to sleep the night i slept in your house
Or when you told me to eat everything that you have cooked..
Which i rarely do,
I'm sorry.

Everything seems too late when you want to say sorry
But i am probably late,
Too late.

That house wouldn't be the same without you,
My childhood days lies there,
Underneath our feet,
Within you.

These past few days,
i have felt nothing.
Nothing,
as if the darkness abyss has cave in through,
as if i have fell into an endless void,
do not know where the end is.
I’m about to crash,
do not know when will i hit the bottom
Somewhere in the moment between flying and falling,
i’m floating,
burden has been taken away, i thought
but in the same second, it also drags me down
Down
and
down
and
down
and
i still haven’t landed yet,
i am still floating,
i couldn’t wait to get there,
the bottom of the endless pit,
maybe it is okay to get crushed, at least it’ll be over
Ironic i say, there is no end to this

Narrow shoulders,
Small figure,
Skinny legs,
with big hands,
long fingertips,
tight grips,
Black hair,
thick eyebrows,
somewhat pale for your peers,
Red cheeks,
Small lips,
Wide toothy smile,
You seem so fragile,
But then you carry heavy words effortlessly ,
You seem so familiar,
But then you still hid behind those walls,
You seem so smart,
But then you misspelled,
You seem so serious,
But then you laughed,
You seem so  mature,
But then your eyes lit up as soon as you talked about your favorite movies,

For all i know,
you are nothing like what people seemed you to be,
you are something more,
something deep,
As if a void,
almost swallowed me whole.

It Hurts

it hurts , it hurts
when your gaze scan to search for her sight
not mine
it hurts

it hurts, it hurts
when all the melody that you sang
was for her,
it hurts

it hurts, it hurts
when the night came and those sleepless night haunt you,
in your thoughts was her,
her ear to ear smile
her full lips
her soft yet shiny black hair
her angelic voice that soothes you through the days,
it hurts

it hurts, it hurts
when you spend hours and hours with her, and yet
you never feel that it was enough,
all you wanted to do was to be with her,
by her side,
everyday
it hurts

it hurts, it hurts
when your heart skips a beat every time she looks at you,
even when she did it absent-mindedly

It hurts,it hurts
When i know you would never know this kind of
subtle torture,
A silent scream,
An invisible pain,
You will never know,
And it hurts.

I beg you,

Daylight,
Let the sun radiates for a worthwhile
Let the rough wind turns its route for a worthwhile
Let the road clear its way for a worthwhile
Let the rain come, only to stop by for a worthwhile


I beg you,

Moonlight,
Let the small talks stream into branches not for awhile,
Let the laughter echoes, caves in everything through not for awhile,
Let the pause in-between sentences, silenced by hesitant gaze not for awhile
Let the affection grow, the two loud beating drums, only for them to hear, not for a while

They said that falling in love
Is like riding a roller coaster
Sometimes it goes up; as if you suddenly grew yourself a pair of wings to fly.
But sometimes it goes down; as if you are falling from 150-feet tall building with no parachute.

But for me,
Falling in love is like riding a boat,
Trying so hard to keep everything balanced,
to not drown in the middle of the process,
To stay afloat on the water,
To paddle the water,
Whole-heartedly.
Sometimes it may leak and the boat goes unbalanced,
Everything gets wet and wrecked,
And you'll get panic and scared about everything,
Thinking and feeling you're going down with the boat and everything else,
That you may have to swim across the water all by yourself.
But sometimes you find the right person to patch up the leak,
To fix the holes inside the boat.
And you'll move forward right ahead with them.
And you'll find yourself landing safely across the water with them.

—

3 feet away.
Please remain 3 feet away.

Because, is it possible for your body temperature to radiate through my skin?
It burns me up, quickly, I wondered if i was just standing near the sun.
Stop. This heat. I am uncontrollable.
Even if, all you do is just that.

3 feet away.
please remain 3 feet away.

Because, is it possible for your absentminded stare to pierce through this wild-mess mind of mine?
It is not polite to uncover someone's old book so easily.
Stop. This heat. I am uncontrollable.
Even if, all you do is just that.

3 feet away.
Please remain 3 feet away.

Because, is it possible for your almost accidental touch to electrify the nerves on my system?
The lights inside are turned up, the whole house awakened. At once.
Stop. This heat. I am uncontrollable.
Even if, all you do is just that.

it’s about time to part away
it’s about time to walk in different directions
it’s about time to pull our feet and walk out
to enter a new door
to build another bridge

we don’t have to burn this bridge into ashes,
but no one will be responsible if this one went down because the wave swept it off of its anchor,
it is no one’s fault when it happens,
it’s just the wave,
it’s just the water,
it’s just the fate,
it’s just the life

How loving could be so different
you clasp both of your hands every sunday morning,
while i bow and press my temple against the floor everytime the sun moves the shadows from its place, 5 times a day

How loving could be so different
christmas tree are present at the end of the year,
with a bunch of perfectly wrapped gifts around,
while i hold my hunger,temptation, and thirst when the sun scorches the most,
with the limited time to break it only at dawn and night,

How loving could be so different
we can barely see what the differences are
laughing at pointless jokes
words are overflowing
endless bickering at every conversation
unintentional soft slap on shoulders
same footsteps,
and i guess we don't mind at all

How loving could be so different
we both believe
god do exist
he is the all-mighty
he is the most merciful
god is great
god is good

alas,
alas,
god is different for us

I'm running now and i'm running out of breath
and with every tracks i've ran past through,
none of them seems right

I'm running now and i'm running barefooted
and with every steps i've stepped through,
none of them were smooth,
rough edges i could feel under my heels

I'm running now and i'm running blind
and with every tracks i've seen,
none of them were visible,
guessing,
and hoping all of these were given light,
so that i know which way should i run to

Hands of time are showing,
pointing and passing each numbers,
down
down
down
If it has its own two feet,
they’ll be running,
forward
forward
forward
coming to either catch you,
or
pass you by

Stop. I pleaded
give me one more season,
if not,
days,
if not,
hours,
if not,
minutes,
or at the very least,
seconds,
please?

millions of electrons stunned these piece of white stacks.
odd isn't it?
white stacks,
harder than wood weaker than steel,
underneath the layers between the running blood and stretching skin,
miles of miles of skin,
barely feel anything at all unless it got broken by a terrible accident,
or a tragedy,
suddenly tingles,
as if it was ringing a bell,
only when those fingertips brushed against mine.

What are you ? Other than a living and breathing being
What are you ? Other than a perfectly shaped stacks of bones
What are you ? Other than a piece made by millions of millions of atoms
What are you ? Other than a soul with needs and desires
What are you ? Other than a pico-sized matter in this world we called our 'Universe'
What are you ?
So what are you?