I know my life is just beginning.

As I sit at this bar with a drink in my hands.

With pride flags on the walls and outside.

I’m welcomed here.

Not because I drink regularly.

Or even smoke there often.

Because I make friends.

With everyone I meet.

Because everyone under this roof.

Radiates love.

I know you’ll never read this.

You showed me this website so long ago.

I don’t think you’ve been on here in years.

I still have dreams about you.

I don’t know why.

Sometimes we’re friends again.

Sometimes we’re lovers.

Although I don’t think I want to be either of those things.

We sit around and talk.

About life, lovers, college, a multitude of things.

Conversations that’ll never happen.

I know I wasn’t healthy back then.

I know I apologized before.

But again, I’m sorry.

I hope you’re happy and healthy.

Like you are in my dreams.

I hope you’re healing like I am.

I don’t know why you did the things you did.

Or why I did the things I did.

I hope you’ve found someone.

Like I’ve found someone.

Who loves you like you deserve.

I will try to forgive myself
For living in the dark
For my loss of laughter
For forgetting how to see

I will try to forgive myself
For being gone for too long
And being bored of breathing

For not remembering
For not being in my head
For not starting right now

I will try

‪Not valid‬
‪Not worthy‬
‪Not loved‬
‪Just disposable ‬
‪Unwanted ‬
‪Usable ‬
‪But only for his needs‬

‪So‬
‪Drip drip ‬
‪Drop‬

‪Uh-oh‬
‪My blood is spilt‬

‪You can’t wash off your mistakes now‬
‪What ever will you do?‬

I don’t know how god thinks
But god do you love me?

Drip, drip, drop

My heart is torn

For who does it long for?

Who does it know?

Does it long for affection?

From passbyers

Or from old lovers

For it does not know who it wants

Anymore..

The stars were the only sparks of the fire which devoured my soul

If those sparks went out, there would be nothing left in the sky but dead stars and my dead eyes

All I can see is red

As it claws at my throat

And tears drip down my face

I never meant to hurt you

But here you are hurting me on purpose

I’m tired

Mentally

Emotionally

Physically

I’m tired of over thinking

I’m tired

I’m tired of it all

I’m tired of her

I’m tired of him

I’m tired of this feeling

Deep inside my chest

That makes me want to rip everything out

Tear me to shreads

But I can’t do that

I can’t have another 11 a.m. kitchen sink surgery

I’m tired of crying

Tired of feeling guilty

Tired of feeling unloved

Tired of forcing myself to eat

Tired of shaking

Tired of feeling empty

Tired of being numb

I’m tired.

I’m tired of always sleeping

I’m tired of forcing myself to do things

I’m tired of wanting to be liked

I’m tired of hating my body

I’m tired

I’m tired

The anger in your heart will warm you now but keep you cold in your grave

If you can’t own your past

You can’t own your future

I care too much

Or maybe love too much

Or maybe trust a little too much

And it doesn’t hurt

Until it’s too late

When I look back

And got nothing from them

When they took

More than I gave

More than I wanted

More than I expected..

She was awake at an ungodly hour
In the kitchen

Looking out the window
The view of her wooded backyard
Dark and obscured

A knife in hand
She cut through bread, cheese and meat
Making her meal for tomorrow

Her dog walked in
A wolf-like beast
She heard the clicking of his nails on the tile

She fed him
The smallest sliver

But
This became routine
And the dog wanted more
And more
Every night

So she fed it
More
And
More
Every night

Every night
And
Everyday

The slivers getting
Bigger
And
Bigger

Until




Nothing was left

Until he had taken

More

Than she had given

Why do people lie to protect their image?

Why do they feel the need to be perfect?

This longing

This urge

This want

To be perfect?

They say they lie to protect their legacy

But

How can you protect something

That doesn’t exist yet?

When someone whispered

You

Just had to scream


Just had to

Prove

You’re better
In every

*******

way

For no reason

At

All


So

Goodbye

I walked out in the rain

Unlocked my car

A yellow 76’ Mercedes Benz

Opened the door and just sat

The smell of dust and leather mixed

I put my key in

Heated up the diesel and started it

I got out of my driveway
And just drove

With one hand on the wheel
The other on the shift

I really didn’t care
Where I went

The rain hit my windshield
And tears hit my cheeks

I couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t stop

I didn’t have a reason to cry

So why am I?



I pulled over
And sobbed into the steering wheel
For no reason

For no reason..

If you saw yourself at a dance
Would you ask yourself to dance?

Would you love yourself enough to say yes

Would you accept yourself enough to say yes

Or

Would you say no

And dance alone?

I remember when you said
“I love you”

And that simple phrase
I broke
Said “Whatever”

And you tried to talk to me
And..
I just snapped

I started yelling
Horrible things
About how I felt unwanted
And unloved
How I could be easily replaced
With tears in my eyes
And the taste of metal in my throat

I never saw you sob before
How I saw your heart pour out

I froze
And hated myself even more
In that moment

I realized that my parents worried
About my safety
At home

I realized the pain I caused them
When I said I didn’t want to live

I realized a lot of things
How I placed my anger at the wrong people
And how much of a force I could be

I realized how much I was loved by them
And how much they cared
And how much my life is worth

Did you lie?
About what you did to me
The abuse?
The ****** assault?

Did you lie to make yourself look good?
Then you make threats?
Because you’re mad that you couldn’t get to me?

I’m not your toy.
I’m not an object.
Just see me for me.
A person and not something to own or control.

Yes, I’m scared of you
Because now I truly see you
And not the mirror