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Dec 2019 · 86
Teddy bear
Dinodust Dec 2019
Home used to be a distant wish
Home used to be a cage
Home used to be the place I died

But now

Home is with you
And only you
I love you my sweet boy.
Sep 2019 · 53
Untitled
Dinodust Sep 2019
I will try to forgive myself
For living in the dark
For my loss of laughter
For forgetting how to see

I will try to forgive myself
For being gone for too long
And being bored of breathing

For not remembering
For not being in my head
For not starting right now

I will try
Aug 2019 · 62
Numb
Dinodust Aug 2019
I built his words around me
How much trauma can I take
Someone please just take me
But what difference will that make
If I find no happiness

Now I’m filled with misery
How will I ever survive
With him it would go bitterly
With all of that strive
But will I ever feel complete
Jul 2019 · 168
Untitled
Dinodust Jul 2019
All sickness is not unto death, neither am I
Jul 2019 · 58
Illinois
Dinodust Jul 2019
My head spins
Thoughts of you
The sun
And the alcohol
My heart aches
Please come back
I miss you
Jul 2019 · 89
Untitled
Dinodust Jul 2019
Empty floor
Empty walls
Empty closet

Alone

I feel the stickiness again

Oh god..

You did this
Did you know that?
Of course you don’t..
You don’t care..
You never cared..
Not about me anyways..

But now you care

About your reputation
You only care about yourself
But you can’t do anything now

How does it feel to be trapped??

It doesn’t feel nice, huh?
Now you know how I felt in those years
Jul 2019 · 203
Untitled
Dinodust Jul 2019
‪Not valid‬
‪Not worthy‬
‪Not loved‬
‪Just disposable ‬
‪Unwanted ‬
‪Usable ‬
‪But only for his needs‬

‪So‬
‪Drip drip ‬
‪Drop‬

‪Uh-oh‬
‪My blood is spilt‬

‪You can’t wash off your mistakes now‬
‪What ever will you do?‬
Pathetic
Jun 2019 · 45
Untitled
Dinodust Jun 2019
Oh no

I don’t think I’m clean

Will you ever love me?

Oh no

I was too ***** from the start

How will you think of this?

Oh no

Oh no
May 2019 · 92
A letter
Dinodust May 2019
Off me

I don’t want to be in your psychological hell anymore

I can’t get out

I’m stuck

I feel worthless

I’m a horrible human being

There, I said it, are you happy?

Are you glad that you’ve put me below your level?

You’ve won

You’ve torn me to shreds

My blood was split

For what?

Your pleasure?

That’s all I ever was

A toy

A disposable

A throw away

You were right

No one will love me

It’s because I push people away

Because of you

No trust

No love

Nothing

My heart is gone

Ripped from its arteries

And I have no idea where you stashed it

I’m trapped

In this hell

And here

I will die
I’m tired of your sick games. Please just think about me for once.
May 2019 · 72
Infinite pain
Dinodust May 2019
How many choruses of corpses have you collected?

At least you’re good at something I suppose

I guess I was never enough for you

Or was I since you never let me go?
Thoughts
May 2019 · 256
Response
Dinodust May 2019
My feet trace the ground

As my heavy shoulders lift my head

And I stare at the shadows in the room

The windows respond with a sad glow

Tears fill my eyes as I wonder

Would I be better off dead?
Thoughts.
May 2019 · 160
Untitled
Dinodust May 2019
I don’t know how god thinks
But god do you love me?
May 2019 · 167
Untitled
Dinodust May 2019
Will I ever be worth anything?

Or just a disgusting human?

I guess I missed the feeling

Of wheezing up my guts

While constantly hating everything about me

And feeling my heart sink

When I see myself
Welp.
May 2019 · 57
Tonight
Dinodust May 2019
Can I pay to keep my secrets safe?
Will you break my bones tonight?
Will you grab my throat tonight?

Will you shatter my heart tonight?
Will you turn my head to doubt?
Will you blame me like always?
Will you end me tonight?

Hold on
Wake up
Get ****** up

There’s tears in my eyes
Head in my hands
Worry on my mind
Pain in my chest

Will I be okay tonight?
Can I find a way out tonight?
Can I pay to keep my secrets safe?
I am not okay.
May 2019 · 92
Blood gush
Dinodust May 2019
Drip, drip, drop

My heart is torn

For who does it long for?

Who does it know?

Does it long for affection?

From passbyers

Or from old lovers

For it does not know who it wants

Anymore..
I don’t know anymore..
May 2019 · 118
Band Shirt
Dinodust May 2019
[verse 1]
The pastor says I’m good
But was I ever good?
Jesus Christ, I wasn’t good
I’ll nail my wrist up to the board
I’ll nail my wrist up to the board
Yeah, that was good enough
Right?

[verse 2]
The therapist says I’m ******
Maybe I am ****** up?
I bet he’s ****** up
Maybe in the hospital lights
I could tell a sickly joke
Tell a sickly joke
Twinkle twinkle little star
Suicide seems so good
Twinkle twinkle little star
I hope I ******’ die tonight
Oh, I hope I ******’ die tonight

[chorus]
Singing
I do not like him
I do not mind you much
He was just my first
Now I’m headed toward my death
I guess he never cared, huh?
I guess he never cared, huh?
Now I’m cold to the touch
Done my death
Lied to the end
Now I’m cold to the touch
Done my death
Lied to the end

[verse 4]
I feel his hands all over me
I feel his hands all over me..
Past.
Apr 2019 · 160
Empty
Dinodust Apr 2019
Nothing feels right

Nothing

Not an action or word

Anything I do

Nothing feels

r i g h t

I stare blankly at the ceiling

My throat burns

The lump is still there

The only thing that tells me I’m real

That I’m alive

The burning of medicine

Settling in my throat

Making it known

That I’m not normal

That I’ll always be like this

That I’ll cry

Hurt

For no reason

That I’ll never find anyone

To love me

I dig my nails into my palms

Nothing

No pain

And again

There’s nothing

And

I sob
I don’t know anymore.
Apr 2019 · 110
...
Dinodust Apr 2019
...
Sometimes
I think
He
Ruined
Love
For
Me

Will anyone
Want me
For just me?

Or just use me
And leave me
For dead?

Like he did?

Will they go behind my back?
Cheat?
While I stay loyal

Like he did?

Will they trap me
With words
And threats?

Will they coax
Terrible coping mechanisms
Like him?

Will they laugh
At my pain?
My blood?
My tears?

Will anyone
Love me?

For me..
Trauma *****. Ptsd *****. I hope you learn.
Apr 2019 · 206
Cornfield Yellin’ pt.2
Dinodust Apr 2019
My feet hit the cold ground as
I looked around in the shadows

And

The sky
The stars
God the stars

The cool air hit my skin
And I realized I was at the mercy of nature

I listened to the rustling of the stalks and the crickets chirping

I watched the moon glow and smile with the stars dancing around her

The tears were back
But they were different

I was crying knowing I was upset with myself
And I had come to terms with myself

A hand touched my shoulder
“Ray... are you alright?”
He whispered with worried eyes

I nodded
“I think so..”

“You can do whatever you need to here, let it out”

I looked up at the moon

And screamed with everything I had
Thoughts
Apr 2019 · 90
Cornfield Yellin’ pt.1
Dinodust Apr 2019
“Let’s go”
He said

“You can get it out there”
She added

I agreed
With angry tears dripping down my face

“You can get all that anger you have at the world out”
“All the bad **** you’ve went through”
“The unfair stuff”
They conversed what seemed like themselves

The car smell was dusty and old
Slightly gross but it was definitely his

I sighed as my eyes traced shadows on the old highway

“Are we there yet?”

She chuckled
“Gosh Ray you’re so impatient”

I smiled
“Yeah I know”

“Uh actually we’re 2.6 miles away to my calculations”
He said with a dorkish snort

“Sure rat man”
I stretched in the back seat
Only with a tank top and shorts on
And a blanket around me

The car stopped
“Here”

I got out

And then it started
Apr 2019 · 401
Over you.
Dinodust Apr 2019
I sat in the belly of the empty house
Only me

Alone
Crying
Angry
Hurt

Tears dripped down my face
As I screamed

Alone

In the belly

Crying
Angry
And
Hurt
Man cutting people off who are bad for you is hard :/
Apr 2019 · 95
Chemicals.
Dinodust Apr 2019
I feel empty.

What do you mean?

Like I shouldn’t be anywhere, there’s a hollow feeling in my chest. I want to lay here forever and never get up. I don’t feel the need to get up and walk or eat. I don’t feel the need for anything.

Then why are you crying?

I don’t know. Maybe my body is weeping for me, it knows it can’t keep me much longer. I feel nothing though, I’m not sad to say. Just empty.

Will you be okay?

I have no idea.
Everything is ****** wack and I want I too throw up. I feel physically sick from my mental health.
Mar 2019 · 248
PTSD
Dinodust Mar 2019
I looked around
Panicked and cold
It was dark
I couldn’t tell
If my room was
The same
Or if
You’ve disordered
My own room
I was crying
No
Sobbing
As my mind
Turned on me
And destroyed me
Once
Again
Over you
My brain is back on its ******* and I’m not here for it.
Mar 2019 · 130
I Miss 1/2
Dinodust Mar 2019
Was it worth it?

It asked

Worth what?

I answered back to the reflection

The pain
The destruction
The wasted tears
To love those people who didn’t love you?

It replied

Do you regret loving them?
Her?
Him?
Do you miss them?
Would you do it over again?

It continued

You wish you could hold her one last time because you know she doubts her worth

You wish that he was mentally sound and healthy

You wanted to fix them
But you couldn’t

You saw them as you see yourself

Broken and hurt

But you hurt yourself in the process

And maybe even them
My heart aches and I’ve cried too much in the past week. Therapy only helps so much.. isolation is back and I’m scared..
Mar 2019 · 234
Friend’s Ghost
Dinodust Mar 2019
[verse 1]
Quiet lies, how are you? It feels like we’ve waited long enough to find someone different. Quiet lies; that’s your name right? At least that’s what I call you. You should’ve called it off, before you became such an attention seeker. It wasn’t bitter time but that’s what’s you made of it. Should’ve kept on being alone, because you claimed it was better.

[chorus]
So help me make amends with all my friend’s ghost. But now they’re just different people. Oh, there’s just nothing left of them.

[verse 2]
Oh, ocean eyes; have you had enough to drink, quite yet? It’s not like it really matters because you’re drowning in it. It’s so bitter that you had to grab a sugar cube to make the most of it. I hope you’re happy, hope you’re better, hope you’re meeting all your fools! So, keep contemplating your small size and maybe bring the heat next time. Did you ever even love or were you always filled with hate?

[chorus]
So help me make amends with all my friend’s ghost. But now they’re just different people. Oh, there’s just nothing left of them.

[verse 3]
Devil wise, keep on crying out to your dark and screaming skies. Your words are falling on deaf and dying ears. Are you dying at the thought that you can’t control anyone? I’m sure you became an addict to that and my pouring blood. You licked it up at every chance you had, but now it’s gone and you’re wilting. Oh, devil wise; are you evil or is that a memory? Some people want to be your friend and some just want to be free. And the worst thing about me is that I’m in between. I might miss you, but I just want to be clean!

[chorus]
So help me make amends with all my friend’s ghost. But now they’re just different people. Oh, there’s just nothing left of them.

Oh, this is not at all what junior year should be..
Edgy teen garage band time. Catch me as song writer and lead singer :)
Feb 2019 · 87
Concrete Cocktail
Dinodust Feb 2019
More and more they pour
One, two, three, four
And I wait until I hit the floor

In the end it’s such a chore
To keep up with the score
And to ward off the gore
That I swore

And now it’s such a bore
I just want to soar
So I walk towards the door
I just want to be happy. My heart hurts and everyone is worried. I feel bad. I just want to leave my heart behind.
Feb 2019 · 145
Too Small
Dinodust Feb 2019
My bed is too small for my tiredness. As for my eyes are too small for my tears, they swallow my face in their sadistic way. Drip, drip, drop they sing in harmony hitting the floor; filling my room up. My floors are too small for my body, how it grows bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier. Until I can’t bare to move. My mind is too small for my thoughts, they tip over and flow and flow. As I lash out at myself and others. And as these things grow too small and the fluids pour out. My floors creaks beneath the weigh and I creak back.
I feel weird..
Feb 2019 · 96
Crashing Waves
Dinodust Feb 2019
Oh, sweet ocean child, your pain has worsened. The mountains weep for you, the sky becomes dull for you, the winds cry out for you. They see your suffering, dear child, just like I do. Sing your melancholy melody to me, for maybe singing can put the pain away. Maybe talking can help your broken soul. Don’t be afraid young one, I have fixed myself. But I hope you can fix yourself.
You know who you are.
Feb 2019 · 292
Beast
Dinodust Feb 2019
Oh, star born beast, will you cry at the moon? For she is your mother, who made you beautiful and perfect, and yet she left you on the dust plain. She loved you but you pulled, and pulled, and pulled away. You didn’t believe in yourself or your beauty, you gnashed your teeth into her delicate skin. Until finally she put you away, so you will learn about your worth. And finally so you will put blame on yourself. Tell me celestial beast, what do you fear? Change or yourself?
You know who you are.
Feb 2019 · 164
Error 322
Dinodust Feb 2019
Error
Error
Error

The person you’re looking for is not here

I have no substance
I have no substance
I have no substance

Am I even real
Am I even real
Am I even real

Error
Error
Error

Sorry, we couldn’t find that girl

I want an identity
I want an identity
I want an identity





P̡͉͈̗͖̭̥̤͇̩̘̬̊̓͂̀̅̀̾͆͊̃̀͝ĺ̘͍̰͇͇̳̻̮͚̳́͆̿̂̉̐̾͘̚͢͝e̾͡­̢̢̡̨̲̣̙̯̼̳̖̭̀̃̑͋̃̓̂̏̅͆͗̊̅͜ͅͅā̫̻̦̜͉͍̲̻̝̝̯̓̓̀̐̓͛̃͂͆̚̕͜s̓͌̄̂́̓͑̇͌̚͠­̨̧͇̖̭̻̘̥̱̙̳̩̑e͈͚̦̹͙̼͇̒̓̓͆̔́̀ ̢̛͎̩̖̿̎̓͠ͅh̡̨̛̛͚̭̬̖͍͉̱͖̝̏͑͐̓̒̆̏͟͡͡͝e̝̱̪͇͒͋̚͠ĺ̳̺́p̡̣̙͉̗̂̈̔̆̒̂͗̾̕͝­̥͇̬̭̼ ͈͖̔́̑͘͜͟m͕̟̙̬̎̔͛̎̏ͅẽ̛̫͓̩̫͙̬̫̦̰̘͉̞̔̆́̾̿̿̄̈̉̂͢͡
Error. The girl who you’ve been looking for is gone. Please look somewhere else.
Feb 2019 · 121
Shame
Dinodust Feb 2019
Shame was an ocean I swam across

Shame was the icy cold that froze me

Shame was the tree I never thought I could climb

Shame was the voice I heard whenever I heard him

Shame was the creature that stared at my wasted body in the mirror every morning

Shame was the red branches that reached across my thighs

Shame was the blood that morbidly danced through my sleeves

Shame was what was with me at night

But shame

Is in the past

And now I’m across that ocean

Now it’s warm

Now I’m gazing the mountains on top of that tree

Now it’s silent

Now it’s only me in the morning

Now it’s white scars that branch across

Now I’m healed

And now

Shame

Is gone
Feb 2019 · 213
Below Zero
Dinodust Feb 2019
The cold eats away at my flesh and bones
From the outside and inside
As the frigid thoughts of my mind make me gnash at my lip to stay warm
Boiling blood fills my mouth

And fills

And fills

And fills

Until it finally leaks and pools around me

Then it finally cools down
And crystallizes



Oddly

It wasn’t that bad

But

It was awful at the same time

Because at the end
It didn’t keep me warm at all
I’ve started chewing on my lip as a coping skill and honestly it ain’t it
Jan 2019 · 240
Starchild
Dinodust Jan 2019
The stars were the only sparks of the fire which devoured my soul

If those sparks went out, there would be nothing left in the sky but dead stars and my dead eyes
Hence nothing remains but my regrets
Jan 2019 · 471
Notes 5
Dinodust Jan 2019
You’ve got a sad love
Deep in your eyes
That kind of deep love
That man cannot find

So baby love me
With all that you can
And I’ll give you
All of my strength

I know you’re broken
But so am I
I know that pain
That lingers inside

That kind of dull pain
That tugs at your heart
And makes you sob at night
With no one around

So baby love me
With all that you have
And I’ll give you
All of my care
I kinda want to make this a song
Dec 2018 · 269
Worthless
Dinodust Dec 2018
“I feel like if you cut me open everything would be rotten”
I haven’t felt like this is a long time. I wish you told me what I did wrong. I feel so useless and unworthy.
Dinodust Dec 2018
“You’ll be an inspiration to kids Nel”
A friend and I are talking about our futures and how we’re scared of them. I never thought that me becoming a teacher would make me an inspiration to kids, but I can see it.
Dec 2018 · 560
Get out of my head
Dinodust Dec 2018
I want you out

M o n s t e r

I am loved

I

I..

It doesn’t feel like it..

I know I’m loved..

I-

Maybe you were right?

Maybe no one will love me..

For your harassment and lies and strong restraining claws

Will no longer slice my thighs or wrist

You monster

Stop I-

You never loved me..
I feel so useless and worthless and I know I’m loved but I doubt it? I ******* doubt it to this day and it’s been over 2 years. You’re such a monster
Dec 2018 · 178
I Played Housewife for You
Dinodust Dec 2018
2 am is when the station plays its sounds

And now that you’re gone

It only plays in black and white

There’s no reds or blues or yellows

As the monochromatic frequencies play their horrid tunes

And all I can do it cry to you in despair

And wait for you to never come

For my naive ways thought you cared

When truly you never did

For you destroyed everything

You left me with my tangled bobbin

And my sewing pins in disarray

Along with my sewing machine jammed

And never came back

For you were probably drunk with another girl

And forgot about me
This is just one big metaphor. I still blame myself for everything. I still say I don’t have trauma because of you but I know that’s a lie. You destroyed me and made me worse with every passing second and I wish that was a joke. It’s taken me forever to even mutter that it wasn’t my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not. I’m done being your puppet.
Dec 2018 · 170
It feels nice
Dinodust Dec 2018
It feels nice

To be the mom friend again

To have control over my feelings

To care and love people

To help people

To kiss and laugh

To sing and joke

To be in so many group chats

And have every one love me

To have friends who check in

To have a boyfriend who cares

To just be me

And don’t stress and cry over them
Honestly I’m so happy with my life right now. I love my friends. I love being me.
Dec 2018 · 281
Untitled
Dinodust Dec 2018
I found out some things

That you lied

And they love me

And now we talk for hours

And I hear you’ve only became worse
I’m upset and angry honestly but at least I didn’t lash out like you did.
Dec 2018 · 640
Ice love
Dinodust Dec 2018
You my love

Were like snow

Beautiful and delicate

Fun and soft

But you left my heart cold

And made it isolate itself inside my rib cage

Where it grew lonely and sad each and everyday
I’ve been thinking.
Nov 2018 · 290
Red
Dinodust Nov 2018
Red
All I can see is red

As it claws at my throat

And tears drip down my face
I’m angry and someone pushed me over the edge
Nov 2018 · 130
An Open Letter to My Killer
Dinodust Nov 2018
I’m not angry or upset

But I just want to know

Why?

Why did you pick me?

Did you just pick a random on the street?

But why me?

You know, I wonder what drove you to this

I wonder how you planned it

To drag me to the woods

And rip into my stomach
And my chest
My arms
My stomach
My hips
My thighs

The police found the knife in the leaves, where you left it

They said, “It was a slow and painful death, but the pain would’ve been less if I slipped under.”

But

Honestly

I don’t remember the pain

I barely remember the first slash

But I wonder what pain you had

That you had to pass it to me

You know pain just passes

To one person

To the next

And to the next

And the cycle continues

It’s just human nature

I was just human

And you a festering beast inside my mind

That lead me to the woods

And made me tear into my flesh

And only to pass pain

Along

And

Along  

To continue the cycle
I’ve never been fully honest about my suicide attempt. I wanted to do it in the woods so my parents wouldn’t find me dead in the house. I was so scared and I don’t remember what happened, but I attempted in the house anyways. I’m glad I did too.
Nov 2018 · 239
Meet me inside
Dinodust Nov 2018
Behind the curtain

Behind the sadness

On this big stage

We’re I pull a show

Being happy

All day long

Then breaking down the minute the certain was down

But I hated that life

Of acting so well

So I retired

And now we sit and talk

And I cry and I sing

And you care and stay

No matter what

You cry and you sing

And I care and stay

So let us meet inside

Everyday from now on
I love my friends we can be so honest with eachother no matter what
Dinodust Nov 2018
ksjksksbevjsyshsvwinsvIsusjvejsgdjsvshdhjsydjsveudjdvsubdhckdveic­gjsvwievdkcuhsvwkxusjevycjcbsvgeucjdvwisFsvsnxjcywEhcjxcujsvsujev­sEuctdjvejcysjeLvjfjcvvsheukdvefsghxjdvydjxgsjcuejcekvyswvkbebcuv­tjdvrkgushfcjNukuebxUutwvekicybMebsvhgwnakBichegbsjsh
Why do I miss you
Nov 2018 · 204
Grief
Dinodust Nov 2018
Can someone tell me when this ends?

Can someone tell me how far this heart bends?

Is this all just a bunch of trends?

That will never make my mind amend?

I’m tired of the

Depends
And
Defends

I just want the long weekends

So I can finally make some mends
I’m tired
Nov 2018 · 1.3k
I’m sorry
Dinodust Nov 2018
I wish I could’ve gave you more

But I’m that time I couldn’t

As my demons clawed at me

I couldn’t love you the way you deserved

I couldn’t give you what you needed

We should’ve just stayed friends after our first break

I’m sorry that my need for attention ruined us

I’m sorry I ruined this

And I know you don’t want to hear that

But it’s all I have left to say
God I’m too emotional and I hate myself. I kinda hope you see this but at the same time I’m scared that you’ll contact me. I’m proud of you still, I hope you’re doing better.
Nov 2018 · 737
Dear Ms. Chris,
Dinodust Nov 2018
I barely knew you

But you made me want to find my passion

Made me want to find out everything I could in this world

Made me want to care more

Made me want to find the beauty in everything

I’ll miss seeing your smiling face in your class

I’ll miss asking questions and you actually caring about them

I’ll miss your classroom full of your belongings

I’ll miss you treating us like your own children

I’ll miss your excitement when you planned field trips

I’ll miss how you got excited over bonds

I’ll miss how you loved your snakes and let us love them too

I’ll miss your love for the earth

I’ll miss you

I’ll miss your passion

I’ll miss your child-like wonder in the world

Rest easy

We love you

-MHS student body
I’m absolutely crushed by this and I’m sure I’m speaking for all the students who had this amazing teacher when I say that. I hope you’re asking God all the questions you wanted answered. We love you, rest easy.
Nov 2018 · 117
Please leave me alone!
Dinodust Nov 2018
I find myself crying
But instead of searching for comfort
I cling to the cold embrace of isolation

And I close myself away
Only to tear myself away
Away from the people who love me


The people who don’t care

The people who don’t check in

The people who say lies

The people who stab me

With their cold knives through my heart
I’m tired, tell me what the **** I did wrong. I’m tired for blaming myself, tired of your cowardly ways, and tried of you. Leave me alone.
Nov 2018 · 109
State of Anxiety
Dinodust Nov 2018
“**** it”
I say into the all consuming void
As I jumped into the fear
And played this unorganized game

Only

To come out on top
I’ve done something I’ve never thought I would be able to do, I made the state band. 13th chair, it’s so hard to wrap my mind around this. I controlled my anxiety and my fear. I’ve finally learned to do that. I’ve finally learned that I control it.
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