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Dinodust Apr 2019
...
Sometimes
I think
He
Ruined
Love
For
Me

Will anyone
Want me
For just me?

Or just use me
And leave me
For dead?

Like he did?

Will they go behind my back?
Cheat?
While I stay loyal

Like he did?

Will they trap me
With words
And threats?

Will they coax
Terrible coping mechanisms
Like him?

Will they laugh
At my pain?
My blood?
My tears?

Will anyone
Love me?

For me..
Trauma *****. Ptsd *****. I hope you learn.
Dinodust Sep 2018
“Hello, I’m scared..”
I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like a freak and I hate myself
Dinodust Sep 2018
“I’m giving up hope I thought this would help..”
I don’t know what to feel anymore
Dinodust Sep 2018
“Thank you for reaching out tonight, my name is Gary. I am here for you tonight.”
Why am I like this? No one cares. I’m so scared. J’n epof.
Dinodust May 2018
Hug me?

Hug you, hug you.

Hold me?

Hold you, hold you.

Kiss me?

Kiss you, kiss you.

Love me?

Love you, love you.

Use you?

Use me, use me...

**** you?

**** me, **** me..
Dinodust May 2019
[verse 1]
The pastor says I’m good
But was I ever good?
Jesus Christ, I wasn’t good
I’ll nail my wrist up to the board
I’ll nail my wrist up to the board
Yeah, that was good enough
Right?

[verse 2]
The therapist says I’m ******
Maybe I am ****** up?
I bet he’s ****** up
Maybe in the hospital lights
I could tell a sickly joke
Tell a sickly joke
Twinkle twinkle little star
Suicide seems so good
Twinkle twinkle little star
I hope I ******’ die tonight
Oh, I hope I ******’ die tonight

[chorus]
Singing
I do not like him
I do not mind you much
He was just my first
Now I’m headed toward my death
I guess he never cared, huh?
I guess he never cared, huh?
Now I’m cold to the touch
Done my death
Lied to the end
Now I’m cold to the touch
Done my death
Lied to the end

[verse 4]
I feel his hands all over me
I feel his hands all over me..
Past.
Dinodust Feb 2019
Oh, star born beast, will you cry at the moon? For she is your mother, who made you beautiful and perfect, and yet she left you on the dust plain. She loved you but you pulled, and pulled, and pulled away. You didn’t believe in yourself or your beauty, you gnashed your teeth into her delicate skin. Until finally she put you away, so you will learn about your worth. And finally so you will put blame on yourself. Tell me celestial beast, what do you fear? Change or yourself?
You know who you are.
Dinodust May 2019
Drip, drip, drop

My heart is torn

For who does it long for?

Who does it know?

Does it long for affection?

From passbyers

Or from old lovers

For it does not know who it wants

Anymore..
I don’t know anymore..
Dinodust Aug 2018
I never truly knew you

After how many years?

Did I ever know you?

I keep learning things about you..

How you weren’t loyal..

Does anyone know you?

You seem so fictional

So unreal

I can’t fathom your actions any longer

I don’t want to fathom you

Anymore
I feel so used
Dinodust Apr 2019
I feel empty.

What do you mean?

Like I shouldn’t be anywhere, there’s a hollow feeling in my chest. I want to lay here forever and never get up. I don’t feel the need to get up and walk or eat. I don’t feel the need for anything.

Then why are you crying?

I don’t know. Maybe my body is weeping for me, it knows it can’t keep me much longer. I feel nothing though, I’m not sad to say. Just empty.

Will you be okay?

I have no idea.
Everything is ****** wack and I want I too throw up. I feel physically sick from my mental health.
Dinodust May 16
Calls
Texts
Letters

Every month
Every week
Every day

I write
I miss you
I love you

On the hour
Every hour

I wonder when the time will strike

When I’ll see you again

And if you’ll leave me

As your wife
I miss you N.A.W
Dinodust Feb 2019
Oh, sweet ocean child, your pain has worsened. The mountains weep for you, the sky becomes dull for you, the winds cry out for you. They see your suffering, dear child, just like I do. Sing your melancholy melody to me, for maybe singing can put the pain away. Maybe talking can help your broken soul. Don’t be afraid young one, I have fixed myself. But I hope you can fix yourself.
You know who you are.
Dinodust Mar 2018
If you saw yourself at a dance
Would you ask yourself to dance?

Would you love yourself enough to say yes

Would you accept yourself enough to say yes

Or

Would you say no

And dance alone?
Dinodust Apr 2018
I’m wailing

But you never knew

I’m thinking about death

But I don’t think you cared

I’m slicing deeper than ever before
So I felt more pain

But it didn’t matter



I sobbed in the shower so I could hide like that the coward I was

I turned off the water and freezing air hit

I looked in the mirror

Hollow cheeks, blood shot eyes, pale skin

All pale besides the butchery I made of my hips and thighs

I was dead

Mentally I was dead

I felt nothing

Useless

Worthless

Hollow

Numb


Everything was slow moving

I was slowly moving

Or was time?

I just sat in the tub

Shivering from the cold

Or the fear

My wet wavy hair stuck to my neck, shoulders and chest

I saw no future

None

No spouse to kiss goodnight

No coworkers I would greet in the mornings

No bedtime stories I would read to giggly children

It was all black


There was nothing...

Or rather

I was nothing...
i
WAS
nothing
Dinodust May 2018
Don’t expect me to play fair

In a world like this

My innocence was stripped down at such a young age

So I’ll make you count to 1,000

That way I’ll have enough time to hide

If you move closer I’ll move away

I’ll pin down my soul

Pin down my mind

Pin down my heart  

But never my body

So don’t try to get into my arms with words

Don’t build me castles with words

Don’t try to win me back

I like you there

So stay right there

Don’t attempt to move closer

You won’t make it

Stay

Stay

Stay

Stay right where you are
Do you ever just have those days?
Dinodust Apr 2018
I walked out in the rain

Unlocked my car

A yellow 76’ Mercedes Benz

Opened the door and just sat

The smell of dust and leather mixed

I put my key in

Heated up the diesel and started it

I got out of my driveway
And just drove

With one hand on the wheel
The other on the shift

I really didn’t care
Where I went

The rain hit my windshield
And tears hit my cheeks

I couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t stop

I didn’t have a reason to cry

So why am I?



I pulled over
And sobbed into the steering wheel
For no reason

For no reason..
Dinodust Apr 2019
Nothing feels right

Nothing

Not an action or word

Anything I do

Nothing feels

r i g h t

I stare blankly at the ceiling

My throat burns

The lump is still there

The only thing that tells me I’m real

That I’m alive

The burning of medicine

Settling in my throat

Making it known

That I’m not normal

That I’ll always be like this

That I’ll cry

Hurt

For no reason

That I’ll never find anyone

To love me

I dig my nails into my palms

Nothing

No pain

And again

There’s nothing

And

I sob
I don’t know anymore.
Dinodust Feb 2018
Did you lie?
About what you did to me
The abuse?
The ****** assault?

Did you lie to make yourself look good?
Then you make threats?
Because you’re mad that you couldn’t get to me?

I’m not your toy.
I’m not an object.
Just see me for me.
A person and not something to own or control.

Yes, I’m scared of you
Because now I truly see you
And not the mirror
I wish nothing happened..
Dinodust Mar 2019
[verse 1]
Quiet lies, how are you? It feels like we’ve waited long enough to find someone different. Quiet lies; that’s your name right? At least that’s what I call you. You should’ve called it off, before you became such an attention seeker. It wasn’t bitter time but that’s what’s you made of it. Should’ve kept on being alone, because you claimed it was better.

[chorus]
So help me make amends with all my friend’s ghost. But now they’re just different people. Oh, there’s just nothing left of them.

[verse 2]
Oh, ocean eyes; have you had enough to drink, quite yet? It’s not like it really matters because you’re drowning in it. It’s so bitter that you had to grab a sugar cube to make the most of it. I hope you’re happy, hope you’re better, hope you’re meeting all your fools! So, keep contemplating your small size and maybe bring the heat next time. Did you ever even love or were you always filled with hate?

[chorus]
So help me make amends with all my friend’s ghost. But now they’re just different people. Oh, there’s just nothing left of them.

[verse 3]
Devil wise, keep on crying out to your dark and screaming skies. Your words are falling on deaf and dying ears. Are you dying at the thought that you can’t control anyone? I’m sure you became an addict to that and my pouring blood. You licked it up at every chance you had, but now it’s gone and you’re wilting. Oh, devil wise; are you evil or is that a memory? Some people want to be your friend and some just want to be free. And the worst thing about me is that I’m in between. I might miss you, but I just want to be clean!

[chorus]
So help me make amends with all my friend’s ghost. But now they’re just different people. Oh, there’s just nothing left of them.

Oh, this is not at all what junior year should be..
Edgy teen garage band time. Catch me as song writer and lead singer :)
Dinodust Jun 2018
Line my thoughts up like gascans
Throw the match right next to them

Now my thoughts aren’t in a line
But rather a mess scattered around

Much like my mind already
Why am I worrying about the littlest things that I think will grow and **** me? I have no clue.
Dinodust May 2018
Say goodbye

Yes goodbye

For I don’t need you

Anymore

(anymore)

We’re we even friends?

(hello?)

Or just lovers from the start?

(where are you?)

Or were we ever lovers?

(can you hear me?)

Were we enemies from the beginning?

(goodbye I guess)

Throat to throat
(lips to lips)
Hand in hand
(razor to razor)
Heart to heart
(ashes to ashes)

But

When someone whispered

You

Just had to scream


Just had to

Prove

You’re better
In every

*******

way

For no reason

At

All


So

Goodbye

Goodbye..



(goodbye)
Gaslighting
Dinodust May 2018
I was painting

Definitely not a new action for me as an artist

The only new thing was
I was in a garage

Of a house that I used to live in
In an upperclass neighborhood

But the odd thing is

I didn’t care about the houses around me
Or the people

My eyes cut directly to the green
Of the forest miles behind them

And this longing
This aching
This urge

To run
Run to the trees
To join them
To be with them

To just drop

Everything

Everyone..


Part of me thinks it would be so easy

Just to run away

Leave everything so natural behind

But

Part of me

Is held down

By agape

And eros
Dinodust Nov 2018
Can someone tell me when this ends?

Can someone tell me how far this heart bends?

Is this all just a bunch of trends?

That will never make my mind amend?

I’m tired of the

Depends
And
Defends

I just want the long weekends

So I can finally make some mends
I’m tired
Dinodust Oct 2018
Guess I messed up
Guess I made a bad call
But I have no idea
What I could have done different

One little choice
One small action
One coincidence of thought
And the lights went out

I want to dance
Want to gaze at the sky
Want to take a picture
Of the end of the world

I never thought
Things really die
Not in real life, in real life
There’s no such thing as ghosts

I am not a hero
I am not a movie star
I am not a genius
I am not a monk
I’m not special
I’m the same as anyone else

You and I
We were always a mess
Drinking our bourbon
Screaming in the streets

When I saw you coming
Ice and rage in your eyes
I put on my armor and my shield
And sharpened my sword

I am not a hero
I am not a movie star
I am not a genius
I am not a monk
I’m not special
I’m the same as you

You
You were there too
You drove that train
Right through my heart

You
You were there too
You drove that train
Right through my heart

But I guess it’s time
To put that to bed
I guess it’s time
To let the dead be dead
Lyric and music by Dave Malloy. I decided to post this because I relate to this a lot. It’s such an emotional piece and Brittain (Rose) sings it with such passion. It’s such a good song, the first time I sang it I sobbed.
Dinodust Jul 16
Take my heart and break it like you would to a dozen of eggs

Each piece is a shattered part that won’t be put together again

And I

Wish I could just breathe some fresh air again

But my shattered heart put a sidewall leak in my lungs

And when

I start to crawl no it’s not me just some empty shell

And when

I finally collapse just know that I tried my best

I tried for you my dear

Just remember that out of all the things I’ve done

I just wanted to survive
Dinodust Dec 2018
You my love

Were like snow

Beautiful and delicate

Fun and soft

But you left my heart cold

And made it isolate itself inside my rib cage

Where it grew lonely and sad each and everyday
I’ve been thinking.
Dinodust Mar 2018
I remember when you said
“I love you”

And that simple phrase
I broke
Said “Whatever”

And you tried to talk to me
And..
I just snapped

I started yelling
Horrible things
About how I felt unwanted
And unloved
How I could be easily replaced
With tears in my eyes
And the taste of metal in my throat

I never saw you sob before
How I saw your heart pour out

I froze
And hated myself even more
In that moment

I realized that my parents worried
About my safety
At home

I realized the pain I caused them
When I said I didn’t want to live

I realized a lot of things
How I placed my anger at the wrong people
And how much of a force I could be

I realized how much I was loved by them
And how much they cared
And how much my life is worth
I’m sorry for making you worry so much dad
Dinodust Oct 2018
I’m tired

Mentally

Emotionally

Physically

I’m tired of over thinking

I’m tired

I’m tired of it all

I’m tired of her

I’m tired of him

I’m tired of this feeling

Deep inside my chest

That makes me want to rip everything out

Tear me to shreads

But I can’t do that

I can’t have another 11 a.m. kitchen sink surgery

I’m tired of crying

Tired of feeling guilty

Tired of feeling unloved

Tired of forcing myself to eat

Tired of shaking

Tired of feeling empty

Tired of being numb

I’m tired.

I’m tired of always sleeping

I’m tired of forcing myself to do things

I’m tired of wanting to be liked

I’m tired of hating my body

I’m tired

I’m tired
Dinodust May 2019
How many choruses of corpses have you collected?

At least you’re good at something I suppose

I guess I was never enough for you

Or was I since you never let me go?
Thoughts
Dinodust Dec 2018
2 am is when the station plays its sounds

And now that you’re gone

It only plays in black and white

There’s no reds or blues or yellows

As the monochromatic frequencies play their horrid tunes

And all I can do it cry to you in despair

And wait for you to never come

For my naive ways thought you cared

When truly you never did

For you destroyed everything

You left me with my tangled bobbin

And my sewing pins in disarray

Along with my sewing machine jammed

And never came back

For you were probably drunk with another girl

And forgot about me
This is just one big metaphor. I still blame myself for everything. I still say I don’t have trauma because of you but I know that’s a lie. You destroyed me and made me worse with every passing second and I wish that was a joke. It’s taken me forever to even mutter that it wasn’t my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not. I’m done being your puppet.
Dinodust Apr 2018
Alone

No one

But me

In a room

Tears streaming down my face
A normal thing at this point
A numb pain
Which I wanted to feel
As silver ripped through me
I needed stitches looking back
But I never told
Because I made sure
That I was always isolated

I was always alone
I would try to talk to him
But he always left
Left me for dead
Is what it felt like

Lost
And
Alone

Trying to find happiness in a dark maze

All alone

With no one to help me

Or to even love me

I was always lost
And alone

Crying out to no one

Reaching out to no one

No one

No one..




No one but me..

In a dark maze

Screaming for help
Screams I never wanted to be heard

Because he didn’t help..
So why would others help?

If he cared about me
And didn’t help..

Why would others that cared about me?

Surely they wouldn’t help either..

So I isolated myself more

Because people didn’t care

People wouldn’t help

I lied
To protect my isolation
A prison I made for myself

Until one day

I snapped

I wanted out
Out of that prison
And the only way out
Was death..



Or so I thought

I found out that people cared

After I destroyed my skin
With cuts and slices
And almost bled out

How after I was patched up
My mother bought me long sleeve shirts

How my god-parents made me my favorite meal

How friends invited me over so I wouldn’t be alone

How I wasn’t isolated anymore

How that maze wasn’t dark anymore

How I wasn’t alone

How I could reach out

And someone would come running

To take me home..
Dinodust Aug 2018
Don’t make me a liar

But I swear to god

When I did it

I felt nothing more
You’ve always been a sucker for dogs
Dinodust Mar 2018
I was tired
Of being forced into a mold
That someone wanted me in
A mold I couldn’t fit in
A mold of someone else’s happiness

I was tired
Of you switching your stories

“This isn’t a break”
To
“I want you back”

To

“I was thinking about breaking up with you soon anyways”
To
“I was only thinking about what it would be like if we did”

To

“I’m over you”
To
“I still love you”

To

“I’m glad we’re not together”
To
“I wish I never said yes to breaking up..”

I was tired
Of you confusing me

I was tired
Of the gaslighting
That you did
Either intentionally
Or blindly

I was tired
Of crying over you
Crying so hard
Till my eyes were blood shot

I was tired
Of getting hurt
Because of you

I was tired
Of keeping all of this a secret
Just to keep you happy

I was tired
Of trying to make myself perfect for you
So you would be happy

I was tired
Of your ****** comments
That you thought were compliments

I was tired
Of me letting you do this

I was tired
That I couldn’t help myself during that time

I was tired
Of the fact I could never stand up to you

I was tired
Of feeling nothing

I was tired
Of the empty promises we made

I was tired
Of fights that had no meaning

I was tired

Of you
Of me
Of us
I’m still confused...
Dinodust Mar 2018
I woke up one day
And it’s like nothing happened
Like everything changed

My alarm clock didn’t annoy me
I wasn’t sleepy
I was awake

I didn’t care that you weren’t hugging me
I didn’t care that our morning routine wasn’t a thing anymore

I woke up
And noticed new things
Like how you treated me
How it wasn’t truly love
But we thought it was

I saw how you were toxic
I saw the mind games you destroyed me with
I saw how you probably didn’t know or just didn’t care what you did

I noticed how you cared about my body more than my emotions
How your comments outweighed your concern for my sadness

I woke up
And knew you never got help for cutting yourself
Yet you claimed my parents didn’t help me
Which is weird because I’ve had help for the longest time

I woke up
And I felt pity for you
Because people thought you were disgusting after finding out what you did
And how most of your “friends” were only friends because we were dating
They figured there must be some good in you
Because I was dating you

I woke up
And saw how you heightened my depression
I saw how you were controlling

I woke up
And saw how you thought you were better than everyone
And how you thought you could do anything that you pleased

Things people always told me when we were together
But I just ignored because “It can’t be true”

I woke up
And I cared about myself more than I did you

I woke up
And I loved myself more than I did you

I woke up
And didn’t listen to your lies

I woke up
And I started a new life
Dinodust Aug 2018
hence nothing remains expect for our regrets
Off.
Dinodust Oct 2018
I sat on the edge of his bed
Softly played with his hair
His small hand reached out
“Can I whisper something in your ear?”
His sleepy voice questioned

I bent down
And he held my cheeks
And with the softest
Tiniest
Whisper
He said

“I love you to the moon and the stars and with all of my big ole heart!”

My heart warmed up
And I grinned

“I love you too bud”

He kissed my cheek
And hugged my neck
His tiny arms holding me

I tucked him in

Turned off the light

And said

“Goodnight sweetheart”
I love being a nanny so much like,,, my heart is full!!! Goodness I love these kids
Dinodust Aug 2018
Nervous picking
Shaking
Looking down
Never up

I tear up
I build walls
And
I hide away

Just like old me

And I hated it
I don’t want to hide
But I don’t want to break down in front of people

So it builds
And consumes
Until I break
And sob until there’s nothing left
And then I’m empty again
**** my life
Dinodust Jan 2019
You’ve got a sad love
Deep in your eyes
That kind of deep love
That man cannot find

So baby love me
With all that you can
And I’ll give you
All of my strength

I know you’re broken
But so am I
I know that pain
That lingers inside

That kind of dull pain
That tugs at your heart
And makes you sob at night
With no one around

So baby love me
With all that you have
And I’ll give you
All of my care
I kinda want to make this a song
Dinodust Aug 2019
I built his words around me
How much trauma can I take
Someone please just take me
But what difference will that make
If I find no happiness

Now I’m filled with misery
How will I ever survive
With him it would go bitterly
With all of that strive
But will I ever feel complete
Dinodust Aug 2018
Feelings have colors

And numbness isn’t the static gray we think it is

It’s purple, blue, and red

While every other feeling
Is the static gray

Love isn’t pink anymore

Happiness isn’t the color of the sun

Peace isn’t the color of purity

It’s all a mix of the shades of gray

Maybe I’m finally okay with being purple, blue, and red
Dinodust Mar 2018
I used to write letters everyday to someone
And I never got one back
I would wait by my mailbox every single day
But the mailman would walk past every single day

It was only when I stopped sending them
Is when I got one back
But it was full of hate and spite
Maybe this is how I should grieve

Now I’m packing up
And saying goodbye to all of your lies
Slowly
One by one
Bit by bit

I’ll be myself again

I’ll be able to breathe
I’ll be able to speak my mind
I’ll finally believe

That I’m worth a love
That will go
both
ways
Slowly learning not to hate myself
Dinodust Apr 2019
I sat in the belly of the empty house
Only me

Alone
Crying
Angry
Hurt

Tears dripped down my face
As I screamed

Alone

In the belly

Crying
Angry
And
Hurt
Man cutting people off who are bad for you is hard :/
Dinodust Mar 2018
Lightheaded

My heart tearing up my chest

Sweating

My stomach throbbing

Overthinking

Memories

P
A
N
I
C
A
T
T
A
C
K

I can’t cry here
I can’t throw up playing a clarinet
So I run
to the bathroom

And I start dry heaving
Until tears flow
And I can’t control myself

But I only have a minute
To get ahold of myself
And
To make sure it looks like I didn’t
just lose my emotions

God, I hate this

I hate my facades
I’m not truly okay half the time
I just act happy
Because I
HATE
It when people worry about me

I’m not worthy of love
Not yet that is
I need to learn to love myself
Before I can love anyone else

But
I hate this facade
That I’ve made for myself

I’m sorry..
I love panicattacks and ptsd in the morning :))))
Dinodust May 2018
Can we have a conversation?

Not one with confrontation

Not one with aurgumention

Or any aggravation

I don’t want a investigation

Or a excavation

I just want a cross examination

So we don’t end up in this broken generation

Just searching for some recreation

Not enjoying any recreation

So we’ll move station to station

In our own migration

Where we don’t care about our location  

Stop giving me your collection

I don’t need your donation

Or the high pile of citation

To ‘help’ my depressive isolation

The grand medication  

Which actual doctors said I shouldn’t take for your clarification

Just let’s both take reflection

Of our coalition

I just want a good foundation

For our mentation

So we’ll have rational narration

I don’t want to be your decoration

I don’t want your dictation

That makes my mind go to inflation

I don’t want the public flirtation

That you think is my deflation

I don’t want your temptation

That slowly turns into intoxication

You’ve made my life into some grand illustration

And now I have no hesitation

To tear away your suffocation

Which you believed was my vaccination

This is the end of your collaboration





And that’s my duration..
Dinodust May 2018
I care too much

Or maybe love too much

Or maybe trust a little too much

And it doesn’t hurt

Until it’s too late

When I look back

And got nothing from them

When they took

More than I gave

More than I wanted

More than I expected..
I feel sick, *****, like a sinner, honestly I feel disgusting.
Dinodust May 16
I kept the note

Ya know, the one you brought with the ring

I even held on to it the week you were so stubborn and angry

To much so to talk to me all seven days

Yet we still were together

I still wear the silver ring with crystals

I hold on to letters and trinkets

That you’ve gave to me

The promises

That you’ve kept so far
Dinodust Apr 2018
Sometimes I get so upset

Because I have questions that’ll never be answered

And I want them answered

Sometimes I NEED them answered

But I never will

So I’ll stay up at night

And stare at the ceiling


Thinking

About

Possible

Answers
I wish I knew..
Red
Dinodust Nov 2018
Red
All I can see is red

As it claws at my throat

And tears drip down my face
I’m angry and someone pushed me over the edge
Dinodust May 2019
My feet trace the ground

As my heavy shoulders lift my head

And I stare at the shadows in the room

The windows respond with a sad glow

Tears fill my eyes as I wonder

Would I be better off dead?
Thoughts.
Dinodust May 2018
She was awake at an ungodly hour
In the kitchen

Looking out the window
The view of her wooded backyard
Dark and obscured

A knife in hand
She cut through bread, cheese and meat
Making her meal for tomorrow

Her dog walked in
A wolf-like beast
She heard the clicking of his nails on the tile

She fed him
The smallest sliver

But
This became routine
And the dog wanted more
And more
Every night

So she fed it
More
And
More
Every night

Every night
And
Everyday

The slivers getting
Bigger
And
Bigger

Until




Nothing was left

Until he had taken

More

Than she had given
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