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Touch me with your words, not your hands
come to me naked, even when you're covered
devour my soul, and worship my mind
trace my skin and kiss my battle wounds

Read my story the dancing ink displays
whisper words of salvation into my ear
don't protect me, I know how to wreck
I don't want your gold, only your hand in mine
I cut the pain away, I cut you off as well
how can I survive, when all I know is hell

I've seen the world burn down, I've seen my self decay
but what should I do, when my reality fades away?

Tell me it'll be alright, tell me the morning is on its way
hold my hand forevermore, and keep the loneliness at bay

The pain rushes in with the tide,
and I feel so alone now, without you by my side
the darkness is whispering sweet dreams of mine,
but what am I supposed to do
when the darkness comes inside?
Some days I feel everything.
Other days I feel so empty inside.
Counting all the fakes smiles.
Watching the fake kindness on show.
There's always two sides to one story.
The truth will always be twisted.
Plant the seed of doubt and watch it grow.
Surrounded by people who love being negative.
While all the time I wasn't waving I was drowning.
I wrote this because sometimes I feel so much it gets overwhelming
Why is it
the only time
i'm happy
is when there's
blood
dripping from
my knife?
Why is it
so hard
for me to tell
you
the truth?
Why do
I only smile
when I see
my dead body?
Why can't I cry
anymore?
Why am I
so numb?
Was there something
that I did
in a past life
or just
in my past
that I don't
remember?
Why do I
destroy
any chance
of happiness?
Why am I
only happy
when I dream
of my dead body?
Why?
Why can't I
talk to
you?
 Jul 2018 Broken Arpeggio
Belle
I want to hide.
I want to isolate.
I want to leave.
Because this was a mistake that I can't easily get out of.
I see myself and all i see is a disappointment.
A sad, fat, shameful disappointment.
I hate myself so much and I am so afraid because now I'm eating everyday and I can hardly stand my body.
I look in the full length mirror and I don't recognize myself.
I used to be so much smaller.
I want to cry.
What am I without my eating disorder?
A shell of a boring, annoying person.
Not special.
Not unique.
Just, Belle.
I pretend like I'm okay,
but I'm not.
Belle is useless and can't think of anything else except for when to leave and can go back to behaviors again.
I am absolutely horrible. Seven times in residential treatment and nothing has helped.
Why am I still trying?
Maybe when I leave this time the eating disorder will **** me.
Cause after this, I don't have any more opportunities.
I am untreatable, unlovable, and unseen.
I act like the perfect patient, because the more I do that-- the quicker I get out of here.
"I cant wait until I starve myself again"
Constantly repeats in my brain.
i am tired.
i am in ******* pain.
i am crumbling
i am not okay
but i am happy.
My eating disorder gives me more happiness than anyone ever has.
I am my eating disorder.
I just wish I could shrink
I just wish I could have that control
I just wish I could make nobody know about this.
I am surrounded by people who support me,
but I want none of it.
Yet I wonder why I feel lonely.
I am worthless, I am a willful brat.
Even when I am pushing so hard, I'm still just as pointless.
My family can't wait until I get better.
I can't wait until I get worse.
I don't know what to do anymore, I want to recover, but I can't. I'm too hyper focused on being thin that nothing else matters.
Nothing will ever matter.
Not anymore.
 Jul 2018 Broken Arpeggio
Lily
We are the stars;
We are shining and twinkling,
Providing light for each other in our darkest times.
We are the stars;
Even though we may seem far apart,
We are always close in our hearts.
We are the stars;
We are beautiful and lovely,
Appearing perfectly tranquil,
Yet in reality, explosive.
 Jul 2018 Broken Arpeggio
Lily
That boy who you see in class everyday,
Yeah, the one with the long hair that covers his eyes
And the dark, ratty sweatshirt?
Do you know what he goes through on a daily basis?
His mom is a crack addict, his dad is in jail,
And he's the youngest of seven siblings.
The only real food he ever gets is
The “terrible” school lunch, which to him
Tastes like heaven.
The only real exercise he gets is from
Running away from his mom when she's high,
And the only real alone time he ever gets is
When his mom locks him in the
Bathroom for days at a time.
So don't get mad at him for
Missing your group's presentation day,
Or for always asking you for your food at lunch.
Get mad at the people who make
His life at school as bad as home,
The people who talk loudly about his horrible hygiene,
Who laugh when he doesn't understand a math problem,
Who visibly flinch whenever he walks by just for the fun of it.
Get mad at them.
And then get mad at yourself.
Be upset with yourself for having the power
To help this kid and kids like him, and ignoring it.  
Be upset with yourself for talking
About him behind his back,
Refusing to share your food at lunch with him,
And for avoiding him in class.
Be upset with yourself.
And then do something with this anger,
This passion you have built up.
Share his story, help someone like him,
At least vow to never, ever, let something
Like this happen to your child.
I wrote this poem.
What will you do?
I ripple like water
as you cast your stones
Sinking to inner depths
as I swallow them whole

My body becomes muddy
as each wave hits the shore
I’m visibly choppy
but you keep throwing more

No signs of mercy
as I bubble at the surface
My chaos feeds your sadism
and you become more ruthless

I froth at the mouth
churning in your squall
as I’m nearing the brink
Still waters call

Mist escapes me
as the undercurrent flows
You may have agitated the surface
but the extent of me will never be exposed
6/20/18
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