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Bobcat May 2018
I'm just a number,
Put me in the back.
One of these days,
I swear I'll ******* snap.

Always keeping it in,
Forever pushing it down.
One day I'll strike this match
And burn this place to the ground.

Empathy is a curse,
A color I wear well.
I'm sick of always wondering
How other people feel.

I don't take care of myself,
I just bury my own bone.
I'm always there for everyone
But I'm always left alone.

It's not fair ya know,
I always do my best.
Maybe someone does care
But I'm ignored by the rest.

My feelings don't matter,
My heart has been hurting.
Every time I open up
I'm treated as a burden.

Everyday gets better,
**** I wish that was true.
Another minute goes by
And I just feel more blue

I have no patience left.
I really just want to leave.
If tomorrow I'll be gone
Would you even miss me?
Bobcat Dec 2017
I still think about you a lot
But in the most selfish way
Wishing I could float my way to heaven
And find the words to say

Are you scared,
Are you alone?
Are you happy,
Is it home?

I'm scared to move on
I'm alone inside my head
I'm happy when I think of you
Your home is here instead

I wish I could trade you places
But I know that's wished a lot
At the very least can I be
The man that gravity forgot?

So maybe I can float my way to heaven
If I find the words to say
That I'm miserable here without you
And I'll never be okay

December is hard for me
Anyone around can see
I fill my heart with regret
While everyone else sleeps

I'm sure I could have saved you
If I were there for you that night
Instead you drank the bottle empty
And turned your wheel to the right

I wish I could trade you places
But I know that's wished a lot
At the very least can I be
The man that gravity forgot?

So maybe I can float my way to heaven
If I find the words to say
That I'm miserable here without you
And I'll never be okay
Bobcat Nov 2017
Im afraid to kiss you
Because of the fear of being left breathless
Gasping for air
The theif you are stealing life from my lungs

I'm afraid to leave you
Because without you near I'd surely fall apart
Picking up the pieces
The craftsman you are, putting me back together

I'm afraid to be loved by you
Because of the unrealistic, idealistic picture you paint of me
Every brush stroke
The artist that paints in dissappointment of who I really am

I'm afraid to trust you
Because of the words you whisper late at night
I love you more
The liar that insists in the false reality in which you could ever love me more
Bobcat Jan 2018
It's been a while since I've written
It may be 'cause it's been a while
Since I've really felt anything at all

One little white pill
"It'll take all the pain away"
But the dealer never told me
My new friend was here to stay
So before you say yes
There's something I need to say

You'll lie awake wishing for pain
At least then you'll feel something
But it'll never ******* come
Because your friend you call numb
Calls your brain home

Numbness used to be my friend
But when you invite him over
He'll never want to leave
And you'll do everything you can
To evict him from your home
But forever there he'll stay
And you'll always feel alone

My tiny round friends used to be so kind
Now I'm reminiscing on times I felt alive
Whatever.
Bobcat Mar 2018
Today's the day where I don't feel like waking up
I'm struggling to do anything at all but refill this half empty cup 

Today's the day that I relapse and pop this little white pill
It's supposed to make me numb when I'm feeling mentally ill

Today's the day that I burry myself in bed all alone
I'm hurting so **** bad, it aches me to the bone

Today's the day that I'm going to let everyone down
Pouring drink after drink until I finally just drown 

Today's the reason why I'm afraid to be happy and committed 
Something broke inside my brain I should probably be admitted

Today's the day a tidal wave consumes my hurting soul
It almost seems fitting to finally drive into a ******* wall

Today's the day that my fears come true of finally being happy
Cause before you can even take your first breath I'm writing your eulogy.
Bobcat Feb 2019
Scars show where you've been, not where you're going
Death is the only god that answers when you're calling
Time keeps moving forward there is no slowing
Will you miss me when I'm gone or while I'm going?

Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you
I should have never trusted you not to
Please don't do that thing that you do
You bat your eyes, fake a smile so I forgive you

I trace my veins follow my scars they lead me backwards
I wish I didnt see myself as a coward
Eyes straight walking in reverse but moving forward
Try to get ahead but staying focused on your words

After all these years in my head I rewrite our history
My monster summons memories of it's own for me
Running from myself like my own life is in jeopardy
Carried away by the grudges you made for me
Bobcat Jun 2018
It's a tough pill to swallow.
I want to ******* puke.
This feeling in my stomach,
like I swallowed a live nuke.

They just give me pills to swallow
and run a lot of useless tests.
I tried so hard to keep it away,
to fight it off but it infests.

I hate these pills I swallow.
I feel the cancer in my veins.
It's consuming my body
and ******* with my brain.

It's not your pill to swallow.
I wouldn't blame you to leave.
This isn't your battle to fight.
This battle belongs to me.

I don't want these pills to swallow.
I want to give up and let it win.
Poetic for my life to end,
just as I'm ready for our life to begin.
Bobcat Nov 2018
I'm torn with regret
I can't just repent
I look in the mirror and see a face I resent

I dug myself in a hole of lies
All my sins, I'm crucified
Hang me, leave me stuck in time
**** me, let me meet demise

Suffocating, no more breathing
There's no way to start this healing
Like telling a clepto to stop stealing
Spewing words with no meaning

Help me, drowning, no life support
No getting better, nothing to report
I'm reaching my last resort
End all missions, time to abort

I'm torn with regret
I can't just repent
I look in the mirror and see a face I resent

Life it can ****, I just lay in my bed
I replay mistakes that are in my head
Somedays I just wish I were dead
I think i'll just finish this whiskey instead

Help me, pleading, save my life
I don't want to be another sacrifice
Will I see you in the afterlife?
I don't think I have very much time

I can't say that I understand
What it takes for me to be a man
Instead of burying my head in the sand
Think I'll take a sip off my nightstand


**** this regret
**** your repent
**** this reflection, I'll always resent
Bobcat Dec 2018
Clock out, start my car and check my phone.
I look down, see a text "Hey, you doing okay bro?"
Confused and realizing I missed about 12 calls.
Didn't know what was going on, nothing was clear,
Incoming call from 'enter name here'.
I answered "Hey what's up?" and then I heard the tears.
"What's going on? What did I miss? Are you alright?"
'You didn't hear? She was driving and passed away last night.'
I dropped my phone on the floorboard and head hit the wheel.
Thinking to myself-****, this **** can't be real-
This 10 minute drive home felt like forever.
I turned on our song before I stopped to get liquor.
I didn't know what to do and I didn't have much to say,
So I just decided to drink my night away.
I remember calling my mom, it must have been 4am.
She started to cry and asked me, what happened?
I just kept apologizing for not being able to cry.
I tried and I tried but my tear ducts were dry.
I just had an overwhelming feeling of hollowness inside.
I know they say there is 5 stages of grieving,
But I just couldn't accept that forever you're leaving.
You had plans, goals and so many ambitions.
It all changed when you were taken by the ambulance.
Flashing lights and sirens never sounded more silent.
Ear piercing screams heard miles from the accident.
I remember when we wanted to move and start a life.
On our drive home you looked at me and said "Idaho feels right;
We can both work and I heard they have really good schools
Now can we stop somewhere so I can get some food?"
You were so funny and always could make me smile.
Sure, we fought and argued but that only lasted a little while.
Though we hadn't talked in just about a year,
I was still living my most awful of fears.
No matter what happened or time spent apart,
We'd always find our way back to each others heart.
So, though each year gets just a little bit harder,
I know that someday soon we'll get to see eachother.
Bobcat May 2019
I wish the abyss would stop looking back at me.
I look in the mirror and I swear that's all I see.
Not a monster but a void I cant escape.
I was born with a heart but it seems mishaped.

Someday I swear I'm going to leave this place.
Find my way to the light that people praise.
But for now I think it's better if I hang my head.
Bite my tongue and drink until I just forget.

I don't know how my story will end,
But I'm starting to think I can rip out some pages.
Skip the middle and get right to the very end.
Where you lay me six feet deep and reminisce on the things I said.
Bobcat May 2021
"What's the blood from? And please tell the truth
You didn't have those stains before you left for school
You cover your scars but wear the stains with pride"
Would you believe me when I say it's how I feel alive.

Awkward in my own skin but comforted by my blood
I don't even like myself. How can I be someone you love?
Call me a sore loser when I didn't even ask to play
White striped reflections, just an echo of my shame

The safest way to love me is to stay the **** away
I want to **** everything, beginning with my brain
I know it's hard when I don't really say very much
Wait for me to reply but I'm too far out of touch
Bobcat Jan 2018
Inhale
Exhale
Your very first
My most important

Your hand
My thumb
You held it so tight
I couldn't hold my tears

8pm
2am
Every night
To make sure you're fed

My side
Her side
You in the middle
Across from your neglected crib

Left foot
Right foot
Your first steps
Corners were quickly covered

Fast forward
Slow down
You're getting so big
I always did my very best

She yelled
I cried
Those three words
You weren't mine

She left
You left
You met your dad
I found vices to cope

Few words
Left unsaid
You're still too young to know
That although not by blood

You were still my son.

— The End —