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Nov 2020 · 105
Loudest in the Room.
Bobcat Nov 2020
A simple note to explain doesn't seem long enough
To bring on one sheet my final feelings and thoughts

Why am I doing this and what lead me here?
It wasn't just one event and the timing wasn't near.

I'd start when I was younger but who can remember that far back?
Unfortunately I do with every panic and anxiety attack.

You'd probably start to see why by the time I finished 10th grade
But then I'd really dig deep into every mistake I've ever made

I'd go on to talk about the crushing weight of all my guilt
The guilt I'm tired of hearing that everyone has felt

"Just leave the past behind" they say and "move on to better days."
How the **** am I supposed to do that when I want to **** my brain

Therapy and medication only helped me for so long
Now I've come to realize I'm the only thing that's wrong

I'm not angry with anyone and would never put blame on you
I just can't handle my thoughts being the loudest in the room.
Dec 2019 · 92
Empty Mirror
Bobcat Dec 2019
Is sobriety killing my creativity?
Or is it better off this way?
It's hard to find some comfort in this
When all I know is pain

I couldn't go on much longer
With the way I was feeling inside
But who am I now that I'm sober?
Loss of identity will reside

Let me feel the lines of your hands
From your finger tips on down
I don't know how to fix me
But your skin is safe and sound

My addiction doesn't make me
Or at least thats what they say
I created my own hell
And breathes are getting harder to take

Step one is to admit that
I have a problem with this well
This shouldn't be news to you
I've been crying out for help

I can't go on much longer
With the way I'm feeling inside
Who am I now that it's over?
Give myself to the fleeting tide

I need to feel the lines of your hands
From your fingertips on down
Give me something to hold onto
When I feel like I'm going to drown.
Nov 2019 · 159
Suicidal OCD.
Bobcat Nov 2019
Have you ever thought of ending it all?
Facing your fear when your backs to the wall?
Crossing the bridge and paying the toll?

Nobody know's the feeling better then me
I fantasize while in bed, rest assured I can't sleep
Knowing it's me I fear is murdering me

Drowning my face in my own reflection
Disconnecting myself from other's connection
Removing my head from self-loathing dejection

Addicted to things that help me forget
All the memories and laughs that came and went
Everything that I've done that I can't just repent
Aug 2019 · 203
Autophobia.
Bobcat Aug 2019
I'm sorry for inviting myself I just wanted to spend more time with you
And if I'm in your way I'll stand in the corner and wait for you

Now I'm sorry to be a bother but do you think I can have some water
To wash away my insecurities but I know you'll give them back to me

I don't know what you want from me but I just want your company
Find what you're looking for and take it all from me

Walk in my shoes for a day I have nothing more to take
Come on just give me a break if not for me for goodness sake

While you're pushing me away remember what I say
You might think you'd be happy but I know that you'll be sorry

So take your time but don't be long give me a feeling that I belong
I know everything about this is wrong but I'm just not very strong
Aug 2019 · 232
Dejection.
Bobcat Aug 2019
Maybe the truth is I was never really meant to be happy.
Not in the sincerest form of the word anyway.
I'm content and I do have my happy moments.
But sincerely and truly happy?
I don't think that word was invented with me in mind.
Jul 2019 · 166
Always.
Bobcat Jul 2019
Do you still think about me?
Am I one of your painful memories?
Do I cross your mind when you're all alone and trying to sleep?

I can say that all is the truth for me
I'm just a grain of sand and you are the sea.
You wrap around my brain until I can't ******* breathe.

Do you remember trying not to cry?
The day we finally said goodbye.
Feeling like we're alone but surrounded by a hundred eyes.

Did I move far enough out of state,
So that your memory of me is completely erased?
Do you still linger on my words and our mistakes?

Losing you, I was always afraid.
You used to tell me that we would be okay.
I guess you can say we were never meant to have our Always.
Jun 2019 · 186
Seeker.
Bobcat Jun 2019
I'm searching for a genie at the bottom of every bottle.
But three wishes will only last a little while.
So I'll just sit and sip on my own sorrow,
But you know I'm still going to try again tomorrow.

I'm searching for some rhyme or reason,
Why I'm still here in this mental prison.
Maybe so I'm forced into self-reflection.
But you know I'm stuck in this misdirection.

I'm searching for a mountain at sea level.
Hardly a man and more of a scarecrow.
I look like a person but I'm **** near hollow.
But you know you're a mountain and I'm just a pebble.
May 2019 · 236
Void Brooding.
Bobcat May 2019
I wish the abyss would stop looking back at me.
I look in the mirror and I swear that's all I see.
Not a monster but a void I cant escape.
I was born with a heart but it seems mishaped.

Someday I swear I'm going to leave this place.
Find my way to the light that people praise.
But for now I think it's better if I hang my head.
Bite my tongue and drink until I just forget.

I don't know how my story will end,
But I'm starting to think I can rip out some pages.
Skip the middle and get right to the very end.
Where you lay me six feet deep and reminisce on the things I said.
Feb 2019 · 108
Tracing Veins.
Bobcat Feb 2019
Scars show where you've been, not where you're going
Death is the only god that answers when you're calling
Time keeps moving forward there is no slowing
Will you miss me when I'm gone or while I'm going?

Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you
I should have never trusted you not to
Please don't do that thing that you do
You bat your eyes, fake a smile so I forgive you

I trace my veins follow my scars they lead me backwards
I wish I didnt see myself as a coward
Eyes straight walking in reverse but moving forward
Try to get ahead but staying focused on your words

After all these years in my head I rewrite our history
My monster summons memories of it's own for me
Running from myself like my own life is in jeopardy
Carried away by the grudges you made for me
Jan 2019 · 214
Idle Hands.
Bobcat Jan 2019
I don't think you understand the the severity of my depression.
If you did you'd know it justifies my smoking sessions.
I don't do it to get "lit" or to have a good ******* time,
I do it cause I can't sleep unless I'm really ******* high.
My brain it eats at me and won't let me breathe.
The destruction and misery that's inside of me.
It keeps me awake and when they ask I just fake
a smile until they nod, say okay and walk away.
It may seem like I'm angry and I must say that's the truth.
How would you feel if it was you murdering you?
From the inside out until theres nothing ******* left.
But you crucify me because I have to clear my head.
Trying out a different style I guess. Kinda burnt out on writing and I'm hoping this changes things up a bit for me.
Jan 2019 · 705
harakiri.
Bobcat Jan 2019
Sometimes I over drink.
Oops I mean overthink.
Ah **** it, it's the same **** thing.

I over pour my glass leaving no room for coke.
The voice repeating in my head of the last words you spoke.
You ask why I'm self destructive but the truth is I dont know.

I'm starting to think that the devil is a lie.
The only evil we see is what we bury inside.
I'm going to lose to myself, it's only a matter of time.

I'm starting to get lazy and just copy and paste,
All the words that went nowhere so they don't go to waste.
Maybe i'm just over this **** and need a change of pace.

I have a lot to say but a lot remains unspoken.
My creativity is asleep and dares not be woken.
I write what I feel but my pencil needs sharpened.

This used to keep my demons from making a revival.
Now when I write it's like I dont even try at all.
I dont know how to escape this so I live in denial.

What's left to say that I haven't already said?
The devil lives inside of me it's inside my head.
I'm thinking it's time to introduce my brain to some ******* lead.
Jan 2019 · 206
Baby.
Bobcat Jan 2019
I know you're hurting baby and feel like giving up.
You're building walls now baby but I'll climb on top.
I'll break them down now baby and lift you up.
You don't have to do this alone now baby, we'll partner up.
Don't think you feel too much now baby, I know it's tough.
I see your flame is dimming baby, I'll light you up.
You must be exhausted baby, you've fought enough.
I'll fight your battle baby, I'll take the blunt.
If I could turn back time my baby, I'd wind it up.
You know I need you baby, please don't give up.

Please don't give up.
Jan 2019 · 196
New Year, New Demons.
Bobcat Jan 2019
The sun sets around this ***** glass.
Just a few more hours until I become someone new and forget who I was.
Im waiting for the fireworks but they'll surely never come.
There's no celebration for killing the demon that's been killing everyone.

You think a simple crucifix could fix this.
I don't think I can send my monster back to hell.
I've killed my insides I'm nothing more then a shell of myself.

Looking in the mirror and reading the lines that I split with a razor blade.
Like memories made behind the closed shades as I held my hand on your face.
I'll try to shake the things I can't take haunted by the other me's mistakes.

It has control, I cant get a grip,
I'm a passenger on this sinking ship.
Maybe I'll fight and I'll come out alive,
But what's the point of living when I have to pay for his crime?

These smooth talking pills will get what they want.
I'll just cave in and forget I don't need another shot.
It's never felt so good to not feel at all.

You think a simple crucifix could fix this.
I don't think I can send my monster back to hell.
I've killed my insides I'm nothing more then a hollow shell of myself.

He will keep coming back, there is no escape.
I'll constantly ask forgiveness for his mistakes.

I'm terrified to see what this new year has in store for me.
I'm starting to believe that there has only been one me.
Dec 2018 · 223
Dearest.
Bobcat Dec 2018
You think that time would make it easier and maybe I'd just forget.
I still think about that day often but I'm starting to think about it less.

I don't know if I should feel guilty because you're not always on my mind.
Or maybe that's just what happens when you've been gone such a long time.

I do wonder if you'd be proud of me and the things that I've done.
Would you tell me that you're happy because I finally found the one?

I do have a lot of questions that I know will never get answered.
Because you left your body here and your beautiful soul was transferred.

Thank you for the memories I'll hold them close to my heart.
I promise to try my best when I think of you not to fall apart.

I hope that you're happy there and you're able to get some rest.
I'll always have a place for you inside my hollow chest.
Dec 2018 · 663
Vasovagal Syncope.
Bobcat Dec 2018
Clock out, start my car and check my phone.
I look down, see a text "Hey, you doing okay bro?"
Confused and realizing I missed about 12 calls.
Didn't know what was going on, nothing was clear,
Incoming call from 'enter name here'.
I answered "Hey what's up?" and then I heard the tears.
"What's going on? What did I miss? Are you alright?"
'You didn't hear? She was driving and passed away last night.'
I dropped my phone on the floorboard and head hit the wheel.
Thinking to myself-****, this **** can't be real-
This 10 minute drive home felt like forever.
I turned on our song before I stopped to get liquor.
I didn't know what to do and I didn't have much to say,
So I just decided to drink my night away.
I remember calling my mom, it must have been 4am.
She started to cry and asked me, what happened?
I just kept apologizing for not being able to cry.
I tried and I tried but my tear ducts were dry.
I just had an overwhelming feeling of hollowness inside.
I know they say there is 5 stages of grieving,
But I just couldn't accept that forever you're leaving.
You had plans, goals and so many ambitions.
It all changed when you were taken by the ambulance.
Flashing lights and sirens never sounded more silent.
Ear piercing screams heard miles from the accident.
I remember when we wanted to move and start a life.
On our drive home you looked at me and said "Idaho feels right;
We can both work and I heard they have really good schools
Now can we stop somewhere so I can get some food?"
You were so funny and always could make me smile.
Sure, we fought and argued but that only lasted a little while.
Though we hadn't talked in just about a year,
I was still living my most awful of fears.
No matter what happened or time spent apart,
We'd always find our way back to each others heart.
So, though each year gets just a little bit harder,
I know that someday soon we'll get to see eachother.
Nov 2018 · 524
Pulling The Snagged Thread.
Bobcat Nov 2018
Rip off the band-aid, get it over with
I never thought it would come to this
Clear mind, clear eyes
Walking straight, no more lies

Don't rely on me and I won't let you down
You can't count on me, I'll only let you down
Don't reach out for me, I'll only let you drown

These feelings are getting harder to fight myself
Pulling teeth to admit I need some help
It's cutting deep on the webbings of my hand
Eyes wide open in a pile of sand

Tell me how is it I can fix this
Walk around the house feeling like a misfit
How can I numb this without a drink
Emptying bottles in the kitchen sink

Clean my wounds with a bottle of Jack
Drinking my way to forget the past
You followed me into the pits of hell
Just to show you that I can't get well

Don't rely on me and I wont let you down
You can't count on me, I'll only let you down
Don't reach out for me, I'll only let you drown
Nov 2018 · 201
Unbearable Anguish.
Bobcat Nov 2018
I'm torn with regret
I can't just repent
I look in the mirror and see a face I resent

I dug myself in a hole of lies
All my sins, I'm crucified
Hang me, leave me stuck in time
**** me, let me meet demise

Suffocating, no more breathing
There's no way to start this healing
Like telling a clepto to stop stealing
Spewing words with no meaning

Help me, drowning, no life support
No getting better, nothing to report
I'm reaching my last resort
End all missions, time to abort

I'm torn with regret
I can't just repent
I look in the mirror and see a face I resent

Life it can ****, I just lay in my bed
I replay mistakes that are in my head
Somedays I just wish I were dead
I think i'll just finish this whiskey instead

Help me, pleading, save my life
I don't want to be another sacrifice
Will I see you in the afterlife?
I don't think I have very much time

I can't say that I understand
What it takes for me to be a man
Instead of burying my head in the sand
Think I'll take a sip off my nightstand


**** this regret
**** your repent
**** this reflection, I'll always resent
Nov 2018 · 702
Prolonging The Inevitable.
Bobcat Nov 2018
Tell me baby who's on your mind?
Who do you see when your lips are on mine?

Is it the guy you kissed?
Or your friend you miss?
Or somebody that I completely dismissed?
Anyway, I guess I deserve all of this.
I put you through hell when I promised you bliss.

I know i'm getting fat,
And my habits are pretty bad,
I need to trim my nails,
And I'm just always ******* sad.

What a drag.

I wouldn't think about me either.
But I'll do anything I can just so I can keep her.
I can't imagine rolling over and not being able to feel her.

God I need her.

But do I really think she needs me?
When I don't know if when we kiss it's me that she sees.
I'm begging you, please, I'm on my knees,
Tell me what I have to do so that it's me that you need.

Baby please.

I just want to feel like I'm enough.
I'm sorry for the way I am and making things so tough.
I feel so helpless, I'm even asking up above;
What can I do to keep you from falling out of love?
Oct 2018 · 250
Fantasy Prone Personality.
Bobcat Oct 2018
This bed it is a bridge
Of what is real and fantasy
I despise reality
I'd rather keep dreaming
Where I am free
To be alive
Where I will thrive 
And my heart can be
Free from knives 
I will not cry 
I can not feel
I stay in bed to escape what is real
Sep 2018 · 250
Electroencephalogram.
Bobcat Sep 2018
Tell me how am I supposed to end this?
This feeling in my stomach, is it endless?
I can't say that any of this makes sense,
but this has got me feeling apprehensive.

In my brain all I get is emotional feedback.
It always makes me take a few steps back.
I don't know what's wrong with my brain.
I can feel the static flow through my veins.

I'm trying to end the ringing in my ear.
A sound like voices that are not quite clear.
Do I have a loose wire or bad connection?
Can someone point me in the right direction?

So testing, testing, one, two, three.
May I have your attention please;
Why am I letting this get the best of me?
Pull the plugs so I can finally get some sleep.

I don't need a doctor just an electrician,
So they'll fix me not just give me medicine.
Maybe I should stop expecting everyone to help.
But this is something I just can't fix myself.
Sep 2018 · 1.6k
Disquiet Tension.
Bobcat Sep 2018
When I try to sleep, I remember all my fears,
And every mistake I've made in the past five years.

My heart feels heavy, alone in a crowded room.
Suffocating claustrophobia, will this be over soon?

This is exhausting, trying to win this fight.
Hand over mouth, nothing's felt so right.

I'm running out of breath, I can't make this climb.
Chasing down the clock, seems I'm out of time.

First cut, not always the deepest.
Watching in the mirror, I dont wanna miss this.

In debt, I guess you can say that I owe you.
All these years, still can't say that I know you.

Close your eyes, tell me I hit close to home.
Lie to my face, I'm tired of feeling all alone.

Always changing, why do I feel the same?
Pointing fingers, I know I'm to blame.

Tell me you care, don't cut all ties.
Don't lose focus, I'll find some truth in your disguise.
Aug 2018 · 234
Pseudologia Fantastica.
Bobcat Aug 2018
Tell me again how fire is dangerous
As you're standing there playing with matches
You strike the sulfur that would ultimately end us

You beg me not to leave but you push me away
I never know what you'll be feeling today
Tell me how you love me but cause me dismay

I know that you're trying I see it in your eyes
The first time I learned not only your mouth can tell lies
Say I give you life but you're already dead inside

You never hit me so I can thank you for that
Instead it was my mental state you attacked
I'd much rather you make both my eyes black

As I walked out you stood in the doorway crying
I probably would have stayed if I wasn't the only one trying
I hope next in line soon finds out they'll be dying.
Aug 2018 · 399
Devil's Own Luck.
Bobcat Aug 2018
You can say that I'm a little out of touch
I fell down but I can't climb back up
None of my friends give a ****
I guess I'm **** out of luck.

If I'm not feeling blue I dont feel much
I know they'll tell me to **** it up
Moving on is just hard as ****
I'm tired of being down on my luck.

Its like holding in the clutch
I press the gas but just rev up
Going nowhere fast my motor is ******
I blew a gasket, yeah just my luck.

I hope I won't always need a crutch
I need motivation to just wake up
Get me a drink until I don't give a ****
I guess I've been making my own bad luck.
Jun 2018 · 277
2am (Too Many Thoughts)
Bobcat Jun 2018
Its 2am
I'm lying on the bathroom floor again
Heavy breathing, I got pills in my hand
Shaking and waiting for the sandman
To take me to sleep so you can understand

This is not a claim to fame
Only an attempt for you to remember my name
When you see me in the headlines saying "He wasn't okay"
Oh you miss me now? Ain't that a shame.

I'm not coming back, there is no replay
You can't take back all the words that you say
Today you're gonna learn there's a price to pay
For every single action and every mistake

Everyone says they understand but it's not the same
I try to focus on the positives but my mind goes astray
Point all the fingers you want but you're to blame
Your actions and your words caused my body to decay
Jun 2018 · 195
Twice A Day With Food.
Bobcat Jun 2018
It's a tough pill to swallow.
I want to ******* puke.
This feeling in my stomach,
like I swallowed a live nuke.

They just give me pills to swallow
and run a lot of useless tests.
I tried so hard to keep it away,
to fight it off but it infests.

I hate these pills I swallow.
I feel the cancer in my veins.
It's consuming my body
and ******* with my brain.

It's not your pill to swallow.
I wouldn't blame you to leave.
This isn't your battle to fight.
This battle belongs to me.

I don't want these pills to swallow.
I want to give up and let it win.
Poetic for my life to end,
just as I'm ready for our life to begin.
May 2018 · 263
Take a Penny, Leave a Scar.
Bobcat May 2018
I'm just a number,
Put me in the back.
One of these days,
I swear I'll ******* snap.

Always keeping it in,
Forever pushing it down.
One day I'll strike this match
And burn this place to the ground.

Empathy is a curse,
A color I wear well.
I'm sick of always wondering
How other people feel.

I don't take care of myself,
I just bury my own bone.
I'm always there for everyone
But I'm always left alone.

It's not fair ya know,
I always do my best.
Maybe someone does care
But I'm ignored by the rest.

My feelings don't matter,
My heart has been hurting.
Every time I open up
I'm treated as a burden.

Everyday gets better,
**** I wish that was true.
Another minute goes by
And I just feel more blue

I have no patience left.
I really just want to leave.
If tomorrow I'll be gone
Would you even miss me?
May 2018 · 250
Kicked Out of Heaven.
Bobcat May 2018
I finally figured it out
How to get up there pre-death.
I crawled my way up to you
Without leaving my own bed.

I tried to break you out
But they wouldn't let you leave.
I tried to break you out
To bring you home with me.

I got kicked out of heaven
No they won't let me back.
They said if I ever tried again
To prepare myself for attack.

I'll go back everyday
If I had the slightest chance.
I would play their little games
And I would dance their little dance.

You may call me selfish
Cause I know that you're safe.
But you took apart of me
That I can never replace.

I tried to break you out
But you didn't want to leave.
I tried to break you out
But you made a home there without me.
May 2018 · 441
Succubus.
Bobcat May 2018
I don't have very long,
Will you tell me that you need me?
There's something wrong,
I know you see right through me.

I try my best,
But those intentions were lost.
A burning flame,
On a candle wick that's been gone.

It's becoming clear,
That my simple words are useless.
If I just disappeared,
Would you say it's me that you miss?

Please lie to me,
Just to try and save face.
I know you're already gone.
I know that I was too late.

I'll soon be gone,
But you won't be sorry.
My back holds your knife,
In my heart it's burried.

I'll take a drink,
In the morning I'll regret it.
The words I spill,
"I think it's time to forfeit."

I'll haunt your dreams,
But not as a ghost or a spirit.
You'll see my grave,
And you'll know that I meant it.

I'll see you around,
In your hometown in hell.
I'll be burning alive,
All because in love I fell.
May 2018 · 3.7k
Flower Shop.
Bobcat May 2018
I spent
My last $20
On you.
I hope
You like
What I got you.

I know
They're not
The nicest ones there,
But I,
Wanted to show
That I was thinking bout you.

I know that,
Times have been
Tough for you,
And I
Know that this
Wont make everything right.
But I've been thinking bout you.

And with
Every petal that falls
I hope you
Know that it's
Every thought I have bout you.

Yes I
I love you.
May 2018 · 256
Organic Brain Syndrome.
Bobcat May 2018
I don't like my brain today.
It's bringing me down,
In more than one way.
It doesn't really matter
What anyone will say.

I really don't know why,
I always feel this way.
When it starts to get cold,
And the sky turns grey.

I don't want to be here today.
I tell my co-worker,
As he slowly walks away.
He agrees with me,
But knows not what I say

Please beg me to stay.
I need to feel wanted,
When I feel castaway.
Even though I won't listen,
Please tell me anyway.

Do I need to give you a reason,
Or a list to display?
I'm not sure I have the answer,
Cause my mind won't obey.

I wish my brain would decay.
I want to smell it rot,
In my bed I will lay.
Until I try to speak,
And no words will relay.

What else can I say?
Nothing really new I guess,
I don't wanna burden you today.
I'll shut my mouth now,
And just pretend I'm okay.
Apr 2018 · 323
Lost Woods.
Bobcat Apr 2018
If you're not careful you can get lost in the woods of your mind.
My piece of advice would be to bring with you a guide.

Someone to hold your hand and walk you through.
So that if something is lurking you have someone to hold onto.

Make sure the person you bring is trustworthy.
That they'll stick around when it starts to get scary.

Things go bump in the night and more-so in these woods.
Those are your demons and often misunderstood.

They won't hurt you, no not even a scratch.
But they'll turn you against yourself, watch and sit back.

Don't bring a weapon, no don't even try to strike.
You'll end up cutting your wrists with the blade of your own knife.

If you have to go alone because you're left with no choice.
Clinch your fists, close your eyes and follow your own voice.

Please heed my lecture as I've been there before.
I've gotten myself so lost that I still can't find the door.
Apr 2018 · 156
Laredo Vista Avenue.
Bobcat Apr 2018
Best friends until the end
You know that will never change
Things might be different now
But they'll always be the same

Fourteen years old
Just two punk rock kids
Skateboarding and sneaking out
All the classes we would ditch

You know that I spent most of my nights with you
At your house there on Laredo Vista Avenue

Fast forward 10 years
There's no classes to ditch
I know if I didn't finish my beer
You'd be the first to call me a *****

When you and I get together
We're always doing stupid ****
Memories we won't remember
Except the fences that we've hit

If anyone asked I was always getting drunk with you
At your house there on Laredo Vista Avenue

I know I've left home
More times then I'd like to admit
But with you still at home
I just couldn't commit

Although a thousand miles away now my home is still there with you
Right there in Lake L.A. on Laredo Vista Avenue.
Apr 2018 · 166
No Take Backs.
Bobcat Apr 2018
Who am I to you?
Do you want me to stick around?
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
But you still don't hear a sound.

Hang me from your promises
As I choke on your words.
You said you want me forever
But you cut my heart in thirds.

Where the **** were you
When I needed you the most?
My world was crashing down
You turned into a ghost.

You left me all alone
And I've been lost here ever since.
I wanna say I love you
But I can only say it in the past tense.

You promised me the light
But left when it got dim.
What would have happened
If you saw the darkness I have within?

If I took my final breath
Would it finally be enough?
Would you regret your last words to me
Would it be enough to fall back in love?

Hang me from your promises
As I choke on your words.
You said you want me forever
But you cut my heart in thirds.

Who the **** are you
To treat me like I'm trash?
You promised me so much
Than just took all your promises back.
Mar 2018 · 158
Fuck.
Bobcat Mar 2018
They don't tell you that when you start to get older
How hard it will be to let go and try to get sober
That no matter what steps you take you'll never get closure

Guilt, I'm just buried in so much ******* guilt
Like I had something to do with the loss of what we built
6 weeks in and I'm already surrounded by the blood I somehow spilt

I can't move on and it's impossible to ******* let go
I really just want to go to my basement and hang myself so low
I'll make sure I'm just high enough the floor will barely touch my toes

I'm filled with so much anger but no one there to blame
Maybe I'll get on my roof and curse God's useless ******* name
This just hurts so ******* much and I know no one feels the same.
Mar 2018 · 313
Myths and Wishful Thinking.
Bobcat Mar 2018
It's odd for me
To be down on my knees
Praying to a God
That I don't believe in

I asked him why
There's so much pain in my life
And the one bit of joy
Was cut off like a knife

I was angry and mad
Didn't expect a response
I was crying and yelling
In my little tiny house

I heard in my heart
The reason to be
That there wasn't a soul good enough
To fill the love that I need

He said "I looked and I looked
But I just couldn't see
A soul with enough love
And joy that you need"

I trembled and I cried
I jumped to my feet
"Is that really you there?
Are you talking to me?"

"Don't give up yet boy
Though you don't believe in me
Ill keep on looking and looking
For the soul that you need.

And when that time comes
You'll know it will be
The soul of your child
That has all that you need."
Mar 2018 · 134
Today.
Bobcat Mar 2018
Today's the day where I don't feel like waking up
I'm struggling to do anything at all but refill this half empty cup 

Today's the day that I relapse and pop this little white pill
It's supposed to make me numb when I'm feeling mentally ill

Today's the day that I burry myself in bed all alone
I'm hurting so **** bad, it aches me to the bone

Today's the day that I'm going to let everyone down
Pouring drink after drink until I finally just drown 

Today's the reason why I'm afraid to be happy and committed 
Something broke inside my brain I should probably be admitted

Today's the day a tidal wave consumes my hurting soul
It almost seems fitting to finally drive into a ******* wall

Today's the day that my fears come true of finally being happy
Cause before you can even take your first breath I'm writing your eulogy.
Bobcat Mar 2018
Don't call it a comeback
My depressions been here for years
I still smoke myself to sleep
And calm my anxiety with 3 or more beers

It's just goes to show
That I should stay in my lane
I stare at the bottom of an empty bottle
Just to focus on something other than pain

I knew it'd come back
I knew it was too good to be true
Depression isn't a state of mind
It's something that controls you

You would think I'd be used to it
And that it'd get a little easier
But I really didn't see this coming
It must be getting sneakier

I don't care about punctuation
I don't give a **** about my grammar
The only reason I'm doing this
Is to try to feel a little better

It used to work, ya know
To keep my demons at bay
Now it's starting to feel like work
Because I have all these people watching what I say

I guess you can say it's my fault
Since I'm the one that posted them online
Maybe I'm just not meant to have something as simple as a peace of mind.
Feb 2018 · 421
Curtain Call.
Bobcat Feb 2018
I only write when I'm sad
Cause I use my words to cope.
So what am I supposed to say
When I feel the slightest bit of hope?

Love poems and positive thoughts?
I've tried that but it's all been said
I start writing and all I can think about
Is the times I wanted a bullet in my head.

Pretty typical stanza coming from me
Everything I write is basically the same
Oh no, I broke down the fourth wall
Am I still a poet or am I stripped of that name?

This is not me giving this up
Its more of me finally giving in
I think we all saw this coming,
That it's time to drop this pen.

I want to say thank you
For all your love and support.
And if anyone is saddened by this
Just know that I'm not sad anymore.
Thanks for letting me cope and not feel like I'm alone.
Feb 2018 · 311
Haunting Lulaby.
Bobcat Feb 2018
There's a ghost in my room
That sings me to sleep
Whispering in my ear
A sweet symphony

With a simple melody
That has a heart mending remedy
But the words that it sings
I can't remember for the life of me

The voice is familiar
But can't put it to a face
I remember something similar
When my mind was in a better state

All I can hope
Is that it never leaves
Because if it were to depart
I don't know how I would sleep
Feb 2018 · 235
Family Tree.
Bobcat Feb 2018
I'm afraid to have kids
What if they get my depression
Or addiction
Or ******* alcoholism?
What am I supposed to say to them?

"Sorry kiddo,
**** it up.
You'll soon find out,
Life just ******* *****"

It's just not fair
To pass on an ongoing burden
To watch my kid suffer
Knowing that I can't relieve them

They're supposed to be protected
But I can't save them from themself
It just kills me to think
That we'd be drinking from the same well

What kind of father would I be
If I so carelessly
Had myself an offspring
That grew up to be just like me?
Feb 2018 · 8.0k
She Said.
Bobcat Feb 2018
Boy just take it easy
Boy just take it slow
Please don't give up now
You have so much further to go

Put that gun down boy
Step away from the ledge
All the demons your fighting
Don't have to stay in your head

Let me help you boy
Let me be your light
You and I together boy
We'll give 'em a hell of a fight

This is it boy
It's time for war
With me by your side
It'll be easier than before

We got this boy
We won't back down
We'll take 'em all on
We'll knock 'em to the ground

Boy let's take it easy
Boy let's take it slow
All the demons you fight
Will no longer call you home
Feb 2018 · 907
Song Bird.
Bobcat Feb 2018
Like the morning bird
You sing the stars away.

Just like that
My darkness burns to light.
Bobcat Feb 2018
Put on my pants
Put on a show
Fake a smile
No one will know

Don't show weakness
Fake my emotions
Bury my anxiety
Just go with the motions

I gotta play fast
Need to sing out of tune
Because don't you know
Punk Rockers Don't Sing The Blues
Jan 2018 · 646
Mephistopheles.
Bobcat Jan 2018
I'm sitting in purgatory
A deserving end
To my ****** story

You think you know who I am
But you don't know what I've done
Some call me the devil
Some call me his forgotten son

I'll take your heart at the start
And say you have mine
Once you realize I'm empty
I'll leave you all alone, crying

I've done a thing or two
That I can't say I regret
I'll dig into your memories
Make it impossible to forget

They say that there are monsters
That live under your bed
But I lay beside you
And plant doubt in your head

Now the question to ask
That you'll have to figure out
Am I talking about someone different
Or am I describing myself?
Jan 2018 · 190
No Title.
Bobcat Jan 2018
They say people don't hurt the same
And I wish that wasn't true
Because going through this alone
Is something I'm not sure I can do.
Jan 2018 · 212
Best Friends Forever.
Bobcat Jan 2018
I've got me a best friend
His name is Jack
I put him on rocks
Then mix him with black

He and I hang
With a lady named Mary
Jane is her last name
Though I'm careful not to carry

When we're all together
My troubles slip away
I don't worry about anything
But I have to watch what I say

We get into some trouble
But most of the time we're
All alone in my room
With a twelve pack of beer

Jack helps me cope
He listens to my worries
Takes away my anxiety
And the **** my brain buries

Oh and Mary is here too
She helps me sleep
When my brain won't stop
And my thoughts get too deep

They say friends are forever
And I hope that's the truth
Because without them here
I wouldn't know what the **** I'd do
Bobcat Jan 2018
I had that dream again
Same place different time
I asked Chris if we can have a minute so he exited, stage right
We were laying and I was holding you so **** tight like if I let go you'd float away.

Wood was falling from the roof and it was coming straight for your head
It probably would have killed you but I stopped it and saved you instead
You were so relieved we both started crying and I couldn't stop hugging you, not that I tried.

I want it burned into my memory forever
I never want to forget how it felt to be touched by you again.
How it felt to have your lips on mine and that smile that you show, lighting up the entire sky.

God ****** I miss you, why did I have to wake up?
I'm begging for a coma in hopes that it's the reality I relive everyday.

Next time I have the dream maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to say goodbye.
Jan 2018 · 688
Your Unread Letter.
Bobcat Jan 2018
Inhale
Exhale
Your very first
My most important

Your hand
My thumb
You held it so tight
I couldn't hold my tears

8pm
2am
Every night
To make sure you're fed

My side
Her side
You in the middle
Across from your neglected crib

Left foot
Right foot
Your first steps
Corners were quickly covered

Fast forward
Slow down
You're getting so big
I always did my very best

She yelled
I cried
Those three words
You weren't mine

She left
You left
You met your dad
I found vices to cope

Few words
Left unsaid
You're still too young to know
That although not by blood

You were still my son.
Jan 2018 · 317
No Questions Answered.
Bobcat Jan 2018
If I went to a professional they'd probably say it started when I was younger
Which begs the question why it didn't affect my older brother

Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired
I'm just so ******* sick and tired
Of being so **** sick and tired
Why am I always so ******* tired?

I just go through the motions
All the days just blend together
The only thing keeping me going
Is the hopes that this won't last forever

I can say that I care about a few things
But it'd be only to myself that I feed lies
There's a lot I need to get off my chest
But it's hard when I have to make it rhyme

I don't consider myself a poet
More of an alocoholic with a pen
I get myself into a drunken haze
And spill all the thoughts in my head

You're probably wondering where this is going
And I can't say that I have the answer
I kind of just type away
Until I start to feel a little better.
Jan 2018 · 227
Tiny Round Friends.
Bobcat Jan 2018
It's been a while since I've written
It may be 'cause it's been a while
Since I've really felt anything at all

One little white pill
"It'll take all the pain away"
But the dealer never told me
My new friend was here to stay
So before you say yes
There's something I need to say

You'll lie awake wishing for pain
At least then you'll feel something
But it'll never ******* come
Because your friend you call numb
Calls your brain home

Numbness used to be my friend
But when you invite him over
He'll never want to leave
And you'll do everything you can
To evict him from your home
But forever there he'll stay
And you'll always feel alone

My tiny round friends used to be so kind
Now I'm reminiscing on times I felt alive
Whatever.
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