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Belle Aug 2017
It is so nice being on your own.
No one to help you with anything. Not like you need it.
No one to tell you not to do that self destructive thing to yourself.
No one to make sure you get out and do something everyday.
You don't have to be social, you can just isolate!
Isn't it so nice?
Belle Aug 2017
Not really quite sure where to go...
I could extend my hand to the right,
to the left
not at all.
I could take the path to the right,
to the left
or straight ahead.
I don't really know where I am going
I crave a known that I cannot get
A desire for a knowledge of where I will end up next.
I can never force the future,
nor really the next day.
Direction,
direction,
direction.
Where do I go from here?
I don't really know?
I feel so vulnerable thinking about where to go,
but I feel even more vulnerable not having a plan.
Not really quite sure where to go...
  Aug 2017 Belle
Bri
The obsession you have with the size of your hips.
They should be smaller,
Don't you think?
Oh, and be sure to do whatever it takes to have that thigh gap.
It's so worth it.
That thigh gap.
The more space the better.
The emptiness of your body.
The jutting collar bones.
Feeling dizzy.
Feeling depressed.
Worth every inch lost off your waist.
It is worth your once full and lushious hair now falling out like dead leaves.
Because you're dying.
You are killing yourself.
But it's all fine.
You're obsessed with telling yourself that it's all under control.
Isn't it?
Theres no sleep at night.
Not when your anxiety is this intense.
Not when your up planning how to skip the rest of the weeks meals.
Use that time to be productive.
Like right now.
Lying awake... obsessing.
Obsessing.
Obsessing.
But it's s all fine, right?
Because that thigh gap.
And bony fingers.
You're deliriously falling over every **** time you stand, and you think it's all still fine now?
You think it's still worth it?
Isn't it?
Belle Aug 2017
I know it's taking my life away.
I know it's a facade.
I know it's ruining me.
But it's also a whole part of my brain that's different.
And I can't just switch it off.
I can't just make a change.
I can't have good day after good day. There's so many ups and downs. And that's why when people say "well just eat." It's so angering because,
I. Am. Not. In. Control.
I don't want to throw up I ******* hate it. Everytime I do it I literally go "no no no. But I have to."
And when I see ice cream or bread I reach for it and it's like something grabs my hand out of thin air and breaks my wrist.
And it's a physical pain and I want to cry all the time because I hate living like this.
But I'm scared living without it, too.
It's such a comfort and that's what's most scary about it.
And I can never foresee a future for myself. I get panicked because I can't even figure out what I want right now. All I can think about is this disease.
  Aug 2017 Belle
Fucking tired
last night
i came home late
to my mother yelling

i tried to reason
to no avail
she didn't believe any of my words

her hand on my arm
her voice high and loud
she tried to push me inside
she wouldn't listen

tired and angry
i walked away
she followed

then i ran
and ran
and ran
and ran

till i could no longer hear the flopping
of her shoes
behind me.

i had to return later
but the feeling of that run
of disobeying
of my heart beating fast
of my small lasted freedom
is still in my mind
causing me
to want to run once more
and never stop
till i'm so far away
even her in her sliver car
can't find me

i want to run
and run
and run
and run
and i don't wanna ever stop
Belle Aug 2017
They ask these questions and make these statements as if they know what I'm going through.
"You're smarter than this."
Actually, I'm so smart I'm able to hide food right in front of your eyes, exercise in the room right next to you, and hide everything that's going on without you knowing a thing. Do you know the mental capacity this takes?
"You should stop making everything so public"
No. I will not be ashamed of who I am. I will speak out and I will inspire others.
"But you do want to get better, right?"
You need to understand that it's a constant battle between wanting to heal and wanting to stay the same, this isn't something I can just decide.
"Why don't you just do __"
It's just not that easy.
If only it were, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.
Belle Aug 2017
How does the world expect you not to **** yourself?
I do not understand why we are put on this earth.
We are born and we already have expectations put into us, then we are put into school by the age of four.
Forced to stand in line like some militia.
We get 30 minutes of free time then are summoned by a whistle and teachers go down checking to make sure we are all aligned.
Tell me how that sounds moral!
We are in school for another 14 years after that, and it just gets harder.
Soon, teachers start choosing favorites and start telling you that you're not good enough, smart enough, or quick enough. You try to do a sport you love only to be told "somebody else was better."
Your friends start to leave you to go join a different group of friends and all you get is a subtle wave and half smile as you walk down the hallway.
You graduate high school and move onto college.
Another four years of school.
Maybe nursing, maybe education, maybe psychology.
Whatever it is it's preparing you for a job that you have to have the rest of your life.
You don't get to have fun everyday.
You have to work, and though they say "the right job is fun." The right job is stressful. The right job is hard. The right job is still a daily struggle. The right job is still a constant battle!
Why were we put on this earth only to continue working, and making our life into one big unhappy nightmare?
Yet, when someone say they want to **** themselves, everyone replies, "oh but the world is so wonderful."
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