I've fallen in love with a ghost, a man, an angel with crooked wings.
I've fallen in love with the way he speaks, every tick and twitch, the way he looks when he's anxious.
I want to preserve him in poems and picture books.
His soul bears the weight of every cigarette and tear he has shed.

Poor lonely ghost, why do you hide behind closed curtains and mountain man ****** hair?
Poor lonely ghost, no one can get close to you,
Only because you are too scared of getting hurt.
So instead, you hurt yourself because it's easier this way.
Poor lonely ghost, you live inside a cave, insist it's better being alone with your things and your heavy thoughts.
But the weight, it grows.
Poor soul, you were not built to hold the weight of a lonely mans world.
With all of his tears and broken hearts and anxieties and cigarettes and sad poetry.

Please take care of yourself, my lonely ghost.
And please try to open to curtains and watch the sunrise.

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of you
And the time
We ran
Through
A forest
And rolled around
In a meadow
Until
The stars
Broke the silence
Of the night

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of your eyes
They are green
Your eyes bring me peace
I imagine your sweet
Swimming
Green eyes
I always seem to sink
Deep
Into your sea-green ocean

Lavender tea
Reminds me of you
All those chilly Autumn nights
When we would lay
Outside
Humming along
To our lavender song
A calming memory

We stare at the same stars
Every time
I can feel your bodies heat
Warming up mine

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of the memories
We keep and will keep
Lying deep
Within our eyes
And thoughtfully
Staring at the stars.

My heart lunges out of my chest
Over and over and over again
Its getting harder to breathe
And even harder to think

My bodys been taken over
I’m possessed with obsession
And over thinking

Please just stop

The thoughts are like spiders
Crawling in my brain

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

I curl into a ball
And try to go to bed

the worst feeling
is when you want to cry
but can't
and you are left feeling
vacant
emotionless
and broken

Suffocation is the lamest form of death
Weakness of the heart and body
I am sick and tired of you suppressing me
Wake up and smell the ashes

All these problems
Run deep within my bones
A crooked skeleton
Can never be mended

You are no surgeon
Just an arrogant fool
Who thinks they are superman
Or king of the world

I am breaking down your mind
Tearing it to pieces
And re-arranging it to fit my individuality
Stop suppressing me
I may be weak but I am growing

Look at her elegance
She draws you close
And with one simple smile
you have lost all hope
She had other intensions
When she let you in
The angel who once
Loved you
Cried tears of blood
You poisoned her
You made her dark
All because of the
Weakness of your mind
And heart.

Oh hello again
Familiar feelings
Feelings of vacancy

I remember
When I thought
I could fly

I remember
Learning about
Gravity

Hello again
Old feelings
I remember
How empty I was

I remember
Floating
It only lasted a sort while
Then time went by
As I was deflated

Falling is a  familiar feeling

This desire keeps coming back
It wont escape me
Every single dream
Emptiness escapes
I suffocate every time

Mistakes keep coming back
One after the other
Rows and rows
Reminders
Of the emptiest time
In my life

Why
Do
You
Keep
Coming
Back?

"I like you better
When you are drunk"
If you understood
Why I drink
Would you feel
The same way.

Two morons ago
I was dead
But now I'm here
In this musky bar
Waiting on something
Waiting for something
To happen
Two days ago
I was alive
I was living
I was in the city
I was happy
But now
I'm struggling
I am dead
Inside and out
I'm here
In this musky bar
Drinking my sins away

A cigarette
Feels so warm
Like a hug from a friend
And you feel like you belong
Finally
I found where I belong
Cigarettes,
Memories kept
All my secrets
Are left on cigarettes

You are beautiful
I see it in the way your crooked teeth show when you smile big enough to make me choke
I feel it in the soft cracks in your voice when you are nervous

You are beautiful
In the way that your body shakes with all the energy bursting through your fingertips like life isn’t always moving at your pace
In the way that your brows furrow when you are focused

You are beautiful
Like the golden red and orange sunset reflecting on the ocean and big puffy clouds tinted pink
Like handpicked bouquets you gave to your mother when you were 7

I love the way your toes curl and your hands shake when you’re anxious
I love brushing my fingers across the soft expanse of your skin, every freckle and scar, the stretch marks that grew with every inch that you did

You are beautiful
I am so lucky to live a life with you in it

All of the leaves
Change color in the Fall
There is so much individuality
Spread across the tree tops
But you are a flower
Slowly beginning to hide
And shelter yourself from the light
Winter will come
And your heart will grow cold
Stiff, numb, and wilted
One lonely lost soul.

The birds will fly
Towards a brighter, warm sky
Always chasing the sun
Never wanting to be stuck
In the dark place again

You are the sun
A devious God
Perceived as a wonderful
Beautiful sinless form
But you cause the shadows
You cause the dark

I am the moon
A hopeless light
Reaching out for a lost soul
Wandering around
Helpless and confused
The soul wept alone
Quietly and emptied her last breath.

Our relationship was like the part in a movie when two people run towards each other and the main character looks so unbelievably happy and they close their eyes and just as they are about to embrace the other veers right and jumps into the arms of another.

I imagine the little things
Like you and I making breakfast together for the first time
And us sitting in a coffee shops enjoying each other company in silence
Me, writing you love letters and slipping them into your coat pockets
You, making us tea

I dream of the first time we kiss
And how I will grab you at the waist and pull you in close

I think of the first time we'll fight
And how it will keep me up all night wondering if I did something wrong
And you telling me everything is alright

How do I convince you to love me?
I can make you tea and cookies
Or maybe mac and cheese
I can learn a song for you when you're feeling blue
I can kiss your neck and whisper why I want to be with you
I can wash your sheets and make your room neat
I can make your favorite snack
And if I do these things for you
Will you love me back?

Whiskey has become my new obsession
I drown and drown in its meaningless stinging
I am lost but always found
Drowning somewhere beneath the ground

The whiskey burns within me
It is coursing through my blood
My heart is beating one last time
Before I crash to the ground

Whiskey has become my best worst enemy
Its always ready for my cries
The bottle fits my hands so nicely
I cant resist its alluring smile
Such tragedy
That this bottle of whiskey
Became my best friend

Last night was full of hope and desire
But then I started to cry
Because even the greatest things have flaws
And guess what? You are mine.

He made me feel like I was his
He made me feel owned
He made me feel like I was only there to please him
I was only his trophy wife
He made me look at myself through a fun house mirror
I tried to purge the words he would whisper to me
I tried to burn off the fingerprints he left on my skin

He made me angry
He made me an angry and irritable version of myself
He made me violent towards myself

And it was my fault
It was my fault when he was jealous
It was my fault for not being strong enough
It was my fault for feeling like I had to keep secrets
From the same man who made me violent towards myself
From the same man who hates me when I don't act like his girlfriend
The same man who said "I can change", "I can change", "I can change"

It took three tries push him out the door
It took five tries to burn off his fingerprints
It's been 5 months and I'm still trying to **** out the poison he left me with

Teenage wasteland is right.
What a waste of time
Dreaming for the future
Which betrayed me in the end
All that time spent crying
For all the things I didn’t have
Wasted for the problems of real life
I spent most of my teenage years wasted.

Now I know why sin tastes so sweet
As humans, we don’t know the difference
Between bad and good
We have been pushed down to nothing
Constrained of creativity
Left to fight for the golden crown

The subconscious is vicious
Somehow I thought it was okay
To let myself slowly fade away
Somehow I thought it was okay
To swallow the demons
And let them feed on me

I spent so much time worrying about body image
All of that money I saved!
Then I wasted it again
I am still drenched in sin
I survive on a chain of cigarettes

I have the privilege to think back
And remember all the fun times I had
No cares in the world
That didn’t involve myself
But now I have come to realize
Life is just a game that
No one ever wins.

I need our magical colors to be magnificently reunited and collected into one solid illuminating body. I want to have all of the beautiful words pouring out of me as if I were the words and the beauty. I am one solid glowing mass of energy and its exploding out through my bones and I can feel everything. I am everything.

I built us a house in my mind
Imagine us sitting by the fire and looking into each others eyes
Like a cheesy romantic scene from a 50s movie
I swoon over you and let you consume my whole world
But life is not a romantic comedy
And the fairytale ending I created for us shattered
When you told me you didn't love me like that
Anymore

I'm on my knees
Trying to pick up the pieces and I cut my hands but I still try and put us back together

A screen hums
And I turn to see it playing back all the times you made me smile
And of us laying down on a dock, listening to a song that reminded me of you, and staring at the stars deciding which one we would call ours
And of me listening to your heart beating as you slept and feeling like I could never love anyone like I loved you again.

The hardest part of getting over you is the remembering
I want to remember the bad things
Like the first time you made me cry
I want to remember why I left you in the first place
And why didn't you try to fight for us

And I sat there and squeezed my head with my hands and screamed
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? WHY CAN'T I FORGET YOU? WHY DO I STILL LOVE YOU?"
As you turn to you leave
I catch a glimpse of your face
It was as if a switch turned off in your head, it was soulless
I feel a tug at my neck as you walk away with a rope in your hand
Oblivious to where that rope ends.

Will I always be your sloppy seconds?
A binge that you will end up regurgitating in the end
That first addictive taste of a cigarette that consumes you
And I am left, smashed on the ground

Will I always be your escape route?
A rescue boat from the lousy life you are living
Lying, deceiving, a black hole ready to cave in

Will I always be there at 3 am when you're lonely?
Sadly, I will
I will stupidly be more than ready to come and save you
From your lonely, drunken nights
But will you?
When I am in need
When I feel like there is nothing left to live for
Will you be ready for me?

I will forever be your last resort
A sinful secret
The last bottle of whiskey
That you downed so nicely
And you will forever be my ever so holy number one
That smooth drive home to your house
When all innocence was not lost
And I feel whole once more

Will I always be a fool?
An optimistic, hopefully, trusting, fool
Thinking this time will be different
Thinking I wont end up alone once more.

Red wine sets my insides on fire
I am filled with desire
My dreams take towards the sky
It makes me feel like I can fly

A rush of a million causalities
Beyond anyones comprehension
A stirring emotion
Pulsing through and through
These aching limbs

Violent swaying
Thrashing towards the skin
A broken body
Lies deep within
Gashed but still moving
Their heart is slowly beating
A sad, hopeless beating

A struggle to hold onto
The light that is up ahead
A weak limb mightily
Wastes the last bit of energy
It once had

Crumbled now
The body is leaded
Stiff and ******
Simply trashed
Towards the ground.

I don't understand why you let me back into your life
I was a monster last time we spoke
I ripped our love in two
Because I was afraid of getting hurt
I didn't think it would end up hurting you
Because I was never sure if anyone was able to love me
Since I hated myself so much

But here we are two years later
I am trying to cover the scars I left with poems and love letters
I don't know why you let me in again

Every time I look in a mirror all I can see are the imperfections
Under my clothes you can see every weakness and insecurity
But I could compare yours to god's

I don't know why you give me so much of your time
I'm sure girls fall at your feet
Your eyes could melt glaciers after all

You are devil's food cake
And I'm just a tuna casserole

Do you think we will be
Astronauts
One day?
And will that
Separate our hearts
Galaxies apart
Or will we be strong
And hold onto each other
As I wait for the stars
To lighten up your eyes
Because your eyes
Always brighten up mine

Do you think
One day
We could
Sail across the sea
On a hand-stitched ship
In a wild storm?
In my dreams
We are floating
Above the sea
Without parachutes
Why can't we float
Without parachutes
Right now?

Suicides
Snails swim in salt
Fish fly out of water
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Birds stay North for the winter
People trying to swim in the snow
Hypothermia
A slight burn to the nose

Suicides
A rabbit painted yellow
Waiting openly in a field
Flowers remain blossomed
In the frosted winter
A frozen death is brought upon them
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Teenagers drinking
Frequently every weekend
Nicotine addictions
Replaced with weeks full of sadness
Withdraw
Withdraw
Withdraw

Suicides
Taking a risk behind the wheel
Never hoping for survival
Diving into shark infested waters
A whole lifetime without breathing
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Major addictions
For a feeling
A feeling of magic
Of surreal living
Addicted to an alternative reality
Without a pause
No withdraws
No withdraws

Sitting there
I realized
I will never
Be the reason you wake up
In the morning

I will not
Be your muse

Nor will I
Be the reason why
This is your favorite coffee shop

All because
Your heart was already locked
I spent days, months, years
Trying to find the key
But she beat me
All I want to do
Is take what is rightfully mine
The love that could have been
Should have been
Would have been

If only
She hadn't come around
With her innocent smile
And naive eyes
Glaring
Staring me down
Like a hawk

What did she do to deserve you?
Is she a Goddess?
A Queen?
A Siren who sang to you
And lured you in so deep
You drowned?

My heart
Was stolen in the midst of
All of this chaos
But I know it is safe
Lying deep
Within the darkness

Is it wrong
If all I want
For me is you?

You are the reason I wake up
Every morning
You are my muse
And you make this coffee shop
Feel like home.

Ignorance is bliss
i dont like feeling
im sitting on a broken record
that keeps replaying
through the same crooked
emptiness

i..i dont even know what i want to say....
my inspiration is hallow.
I cannot seem to dig deep enough
to actually feel
to actually breath
and understand
all of the thoughts
drifting through my head.
the thoughts are like ghosts.
i am haunted

we are all trying
to pull all of our thoughts together
so that we might understand
the meaning
of what it is to be ALIVE
but right now they are just lines
systematically following each other
with no common theme.
its all gibberish
rambling
similar to a city
after a tsunami
washed out and faded
with the wreckage
built up
from old memories

(At least you know
You are on my subconscious
Even if I doesn't seem like it)

I now understand how paper beats rock
Because I am a rock
I am strong and unbreakable
On the surface
But when I am hidden from everything
I quickly breakdown
Into a big lump of nothingness

What if time
Isn't restrained by
The seconds, minutes, and hours
We give it.

I like to pretend that time does not exist
No preset limitations
Created by some "mastermind"
Who invented the concept of keeping track of time.

Time, you have always been my enemy
Stealing away precious moments
And wasting it
And for what?
A drawn out lesson that I sleep through anyway

Time, you have always been my enemy
Wake up- 5:30 am every morning
Slowly I lug myself out of bed
As I try to figure out why I must get up so early in the day
When I am perfectly awake at 11pm
After all of the "important" learning is over

Time, you are rather sly
A quick slight of hand
And I have lost 3 hours of my life

Simply sitting here
Staring at the blank white walls
Of this room
As I try hard to fight sleep
With endless cups of coffee

Time has always been that one
Undefeated enemy who keeps coming back
Always up for a fight
And I am ready to lose again

What if minutes didn't exist?
I guess life would be a little chaotic
But I would never be late
I could take all the time
I wanted
Days would pass
But that wouldn't matter
Because days wouldn't exist
If we never let it.

In a crowded room
We escaped
Ran outside
And twirled
Spinning in circles
Glow sticks in hand
Just like the alcohol
I let the toxins drip
All over me

I have lost track
Of the smoke
And cold breath
A hand-rolled cigarette
Sits between my teeth
Along with many
Other things

The words
I am too afraid to speak
Slip underneath my tongue
And dissolve with another drink

My feet felt heavy
Two-thousand thirteen
Was quickly escaping
Last year was flushed away
By champagne and a fresh taste of human skin
At 12:01

"I would give up sleep for you
In a heartbeat"

Such a lovely sound
Gasping for air
Waiting as you take
My last breath
And you
Gasp for air
As I take yours as well

I have been
Dreaming of this moment
When your breath becomes mine
And we are no longer
Two solid bodies
We become a swirling
Pool of
Madness
Lust
Hope
And love.

Eyes never shut
Always locked onto
The computer screen
As I wait for you
To get home
Late nights
Become
Early mornings
Sleepless
Restless
And it is all for you

My lovely living daydream
I don't need sleep
Nocturnal
Day after day
Always awake

And it is all for you
It has always been for you
The endless heartache
The sleepless days
The constant daydreams
The time I spent
Waiting for you
When the time was right
To sail away
With you
Until our broken ship
Sinks

"I would give up sleep for you
In a heartbeat"

My inbox is full of messages
I am too afraid to send
They say
"I care about you
and wish things didn't end"

Sometimes I find myself in the middle of the ocean
Floating on a raft made of love letters
Everything feels right, I feel safe
My head is light as a feather and my feet lift me to the sky
Eyes closed
But love letters were never meant to survive drowning
Neither was I
Without warning, my body slips beneath the surface
And my head is still up in the clouds

It's never black and white or gray.
It's more of a ugly brown.
My thoughts are like a painters palette
or a house that's burning down.

I am always losing things
Time, money, love, friends.
Nothing is sustainable in my hands
Nothing is forever
Even my personality is temporary.
My mood is always changing
Because some people really **** me off
And my friends make me sad
The only consistent thing I have
Is the ability to breathe
And even that is hard sometimes.
I just need some solid ground
And a steady beating heart.

I am always too terrified to look into your eyes
I believe I might get lost in those gorgeous pools of greens and blues
I also believe that if you look back into mine
You will figure out all my secrets
Like how much I care about you

You and I were very close
And that all changed within 3 short months
It hurts to think about the past
And I panic when I think about what my future holds
And you never really explained why
Our friendship had to die
You just stopped responding
And I'm scared it will happen with my other friends too..

My eyes burn
from the pain of myself
I wish I were brilliant
witty
and thin
I want to stop crying
at every bad feeling
And I will walk away
with the ounce of self confidence
I have kept
in the back
of my heart

Claustrophobic, I am clawing
At my own skin
Suffocating from the image
Of the body I was given
My swollen eyes shrink
The view of myself
Trembling  hands
Gently throw back a drink
Which then became two
And my shallow body collapsed
Never to awake again.

I could say I've wasted my time with you,
but it wouldn't be true
because I don't regret our conversations or the times we sat in silence.
I don't regret all of nights I lay in my room alone, crying over you
Or the days I felt like drowning
I only regret not telling you I loved you enough

Its been six years since I met you at that football game in high school
and I still look at you with the same
admiration and longing.
And I still find myself swimming in your gorgeous green eyes
Even after all we've been through,
I still think of you in the best of ways.

Loving you when I was sixteen was like loving the ocean
I fell in love with your mystery and your impeccable beauty
And the deeper I got, the harder it was to breathe

What a waste of time
Spent drooling
Hopelessly
My eyes, drowning.
All the lights
Closing in
And darkness occupied my vision.

Blood shot eyes
Burning
Is this really living?
Resting
My eyes permanently shut

And what will it take
To keep me awake
For a simple second

Fumbling finger tips
Lazily tripping
On the mapped out seams
Of my factory sewn dress

And I am left
Vacant
Swallowed by the *****
And the rain
Sea sick of the games you play
I stared into your eyes
And I looked so defeated
Has life finally caught up with me?

I have tried to draw portraits of you
But my pen doesn't do you justice
You deserve to be craved from stone
You deserve to be permanent

Oh darling,
You made me feel like I was floating
On the ocean
Miles and miles away
From everyone.
But now I am sinking
And the fishes are passing me by
As I think about my life
And how nothing ever seemed to turn out right

I mourn all the dreams I can’t recall when morning comes
All the moments I was moving too fast to cherish what I love
I mourn the friends who left and went on to better things
The ones who out grew me
The ones who pretend they don’t remember how we used to know the secrets no one else knew

I know I behave like a child sometimes
Throwing temper tantrums and pretending like I don’t want to cry
I know I act like I am not affected by it all
Like my life is full of sunshine even in the nighttime
I’m so tired of the charade
Are you someone I can count on
To be okay with me
Even when it rains

You don't know
What I would do
For you

You don't understand
How I feel
When I am
Around you

You don't feel
They way I feel
And it hurts
It really hurts

This is surreal...
I have been dreaming
For years
About this moment

When your lips
Softly
Touch mine

I have waited years
For you
To call me beautiful
(Even though I'm not)

All these years
I have waited
Thinking
We didn't have a chance

But here we are
Holding hands
This moment can't be real-
I'm sure my summer self
Would not believe it
For even a second

I filled up pages
Of my life
With utter nonsense
I filled up pages
And pages
With "Why not"s

Being with you
I slowly regret
Wasting my time
Creating enemies

But being with you
Means you could
Become my enemy too
And I'm okay with that
Because at least
You will
Still
Be mine

You are the moon and I am the ocean
You have this powerful magnetism that moves me
I am consumed by you
But you are too far away to notice how beautiful we can be
Together

And in that vacant lot
There is a beckoning bright light
That drenches and weighs
On everyone's shoulders.
Then everything was shattered
From a Siren screaming, lonely,
Looking for someone
And the sky cried for a new life,
A new beginning

While everyone hides
The Siren sings at night
Hoping to catch a lover or two
But hope has not yet reached her
And her head sinks

Now the Siren weeps
And waits for a kind soul
Who will comfort her eternally
Because she knows
Deep down
She is not alone.

I am alone.

I have fallen for you
But I am terrified
You are a part of the world
I haven't visited yet

I once heard about lovers who let go of each other and their fingertips never found their way back
They were too scared of the amount of love pouring out of them
It seemed easier to be alone...

And for some people it is
But for others, their lovers fill every piece of them
Every dream, poem, song, painting
Every thought is flooded by their smile
Or the way they look when they are happy

It's too much

The thoughts turn into aches and tears
For those people who can't stand be alone, when someone they love leaves them it feels like a piece of them has been ripped out
And they are left broken

And being alone means they have to learn how to love themselves
Demons and all