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Cyril Blythe Sep 2012
I followed him down the trail until we got to the mouth of the mines. The life and energy of the surrounding maples and birches seemed to come to a still and then die as we walked closer, closer. The air was cold and dark and damp and smelt of mold and moths. Delvos stepped into the darkness anyways.
“Well, girl, you coming or aren’t you?”
I could see his yellowed tobacco teeth form into a slimy smile as I stepped out of the sun. It was still inside. The canary chirped.
“This tunnel is just the mouth to over two hundred others exactly like it. Stay close. Last thing I need this month is National Geographic on my *** for losing one of their puppet girls.”
“Delvos, ****. I have two masters degrees.” He rolled his eyes.
“Spare me.” He trotted off around the corner to the left, whistling.
“I survived alone in the jungles of Bolivia alone for two months chasing an Azara’s Spinetail. I climbed the tallest mountain in Nepal shooting Satyr Tragopans along the cliff faces. In Peru I…” Suddenly I felt the weight of the darkness. In my blinding anger I lost track of his lantern. I stopped, my heartbeat picked up, and I tried to remind myself of what I did in Peru.
I followed a Diurnal Peruvian Pygmy-Owl across the gravel tops of the Andes Mountains, no light but the Southern Cross and waning moon above. I am not scared of darkness. I am not scared of darkness.
I stopped to listen. Somewhere in front of me the canary chirped.

When I first got the job in Vermont I couldn’t have been more frustrated. Mining canaries? Never had I ever ‘chased’ a more mundane bird. Nonetheless, when Jack Reynolds sends you on a shoot you don’t say no, so I packed up my camera bag and hoped on the next plane out of Washington.
“His name is John Delvos.” Jack said. He handed me the manila case envelope. “He’s lived in rural Vermont his entire life. Apparently his family bred the canaries for the miners of the Sheldon Quarry since the early twenties. When the accident happened the whole town basically shut down. There were no canaries in the mines the day the gas killed the miners. His mother died in a fire of some sort shortly after. The town blamed the Delvos family and ran them into the woods. His father built a cabin and once his father died, Delvos continued to breed the birds. He ships them to other mining towns across the country now. We want to run a piece about the inhumanity of breeding animals to die so humans won’t.” I stood in silence in front of his deep mahogany desk, suddenly aware of the lack of make-up on my face. He smiled, “You’re leaving on Tuesday.”
“Yes sir.”
“Don’t look so smug, Lila. This may not be the most exotic bird you’ve shot but the humanity of this piece has the potential to be a cover story. Get the shots, write the story.”

“Do you understand the darkness now, Ms. Rivers? Your prestigious masters degrees don’t mean **** down here.” Delvos reappeared behind the crack of his match in a side tunnel not twenty yards in front of me. He relit the oily lantern and turned his back without another word. I reluctantly followed deeper into the damp darkness.
“Why were there no canaries in the mine on, you know, that day?” The shadows of the lantern flickered against the iron canary cage chained on his hip and the yellow bird hopped inside.
“I was nine, Ms. Rivers. I didn’t understand much at the time.” We turned right into the next tunnel and our shoes crunched on jagged stones. All the stones were black.
“But surely you understand now?”
The canary chirped.

When I first got to Sheldon and began asking about the location of the Delvos’ cabin you would have thought I was asking where the first gate to hell was located. Mothers would smile and say, “Sorry, Miss, I can’t say,” and hurriedly flock their children in the opposite direction. After two hours of polite refusals I gave up. I spent the rest of the first day photographing the town square. It was quaint; old stone barbershops surrounded by oaks and black squirrels, a western themed whiskey bar, and a few greasy spoon restaurants interspersed in-between. I booked a room in the Walking Horse Motel for Wednesday night, determined to get a good nights sleep and defeat this towns fear of John Delvos tomorrow.
My room was a tiny one bed square with no TV. Surprise, surprise. At least I had my camera and computer to entertain myself. I reached into the side of my camera bag and pulled out my Turkish Golds and Macaw-beak yellow BIC. I stepped out onto the dirt in front of my door and lit up. I looked up and the stars stole all the oxygen surrounding me. They were dancing and smiling above me and I forgot Delvos, Jack, and all of Sheldon except it’s sky. Puffing away, I stepped farther and farther from my door and deeper into the darkness of night. The father into the darkness the more dizzying the stars dancing became.
“Ma’am? Everything okay?”
Startled, I dropped my cigarette on the ground and the ember fell off.
“I’m sorry, sir. I was just, um, the stars…” I snuffed out the orange glow in the dirt with my boot and extended my hand, “Lila Waters, and you are?”
“Ian Benet. I haven’t seen you around here before, Ms. Waters, are you new to town?”
“I’m here for work. I’m a bird photographer and journalist for National Geographic. I’m looking for John Delvos but I’m starting to think he’s going to be harder to track than a Magpie Robin.”
The stars tiptoed in their tiny circles above in the silence. Then, they disappeared with a spark as Ian lit up his wooden pipe. It was a light colored wood, stained with rich brown tobacco and ash. He passed me his matches, smiling.
“What do you want with that old *******? Don’t tell me National Geographic is interested in the Delvos canaries.”
I lit up another stick and took a drag. “Shocking, right?”
“Actually, it’s about time their story is told.” Benet walked to the wooden bench to our left and patted the seat beside him. I walked over. “The Delvos canaries saved hundreds of Sheldonian lives over the years. But the day a crew went into the mines without one, my father came out of the ground as cold as when we put him back into it in his coffin.”
I sat in silence, unsure what to say. “Mr. Benet, I’m so sorry…”
“Please, just Ian. My father was the last Mr. Benet.”
We sat on the wooden bench, heat leaving our bodies to warm the dead wood beneath our legs. I shivered; the stars dance suddenly colder and more violent.
“Delvos canaries are martyrs, Ms. Waters. This whole town indebted to those tiny yellow birds, but nobody cares to remember that anymore.”
“Can you tell me where I can find Mr. Delvos and his, erm, martyrs?” The ember of my second cigarette was close to my pinching fingertips.
“Follow me.” Ian stood up and walked to the edge of the woods in front of us. We crunched the cold dust beneath our feet, making me aware of how silent it was. Ian stopped at a large elm and pointed, “See that yellow notch?” Sure enough, there was a notch cut and dyed yellow at his finger’s end. “If you follow true north from this tree into the woods you’ll find this notch about every fifty yards or so. Follow the yellow and it’ll spit you out onto the Delvos property.”
“Thank you, Ian. I really can’t begin to tell you how thankful I am to find out where to find this elusive Mr. Delvos and his canaries.”
“You don’t have to,” he knocked the ash out of his pipe against the tree, “Just do those birds justice in your article. Remember, martyrs. Tell old Delvos Ian Benet sends his regards.” He turned and walked back to the motel and I stood and watched in silence. It was then I realized I hadn’t heard a single bird since I got to Sheldon. The stars dance was manic above me as I walked back to my room and shut the door.

The canary chirped and Delvos stopped.
“This is a good place to break out fast. Sit.”
I sat obediently, squirming around until the rocks formed a more comfortable nest around my bony hips. We left for the mines as the stars were fading in the vermillion Vermont sky this morning and had been walking for what seemed like an eternity. I was definitely ready to eat. He handed me a gallon Ziploc bag from his backpack filled with raisins, nuts, various dried fruits, and a stiff piece of bread. I attacked the food like a raven.
“I was the reason no canaries entered the mines that day, Ms. Waters.” Delvos broke a piece of his bread off and wrapped it around a dried piece of apricot, or maybe apple. I was suddenly aware of my every motion and swallowed, loudly. I crinkled into my Ziploc and crunched on the pecans I dug out, waiting.
“Aren’t you going to ask why?”
“I’m not a parrot, Mr. Delvos, I don’t answer expectedly on command. You’ll tell me if you want.” I hurriedly stuffed a fistful of dried pears into my mouth.
Delvos chuckled and my nerves eased, “You’ve got steel in you, Ms. Rivers, I’ll give you that much.”
I nodded and continued cramming pears in my mouth.
“I was only nine. The canaries were my pets, all of them. I hated when Dad would send them into the mines to die for men I couldn’t give two ***** about. It was my birthday and I asked for an afternoon of freedom with my pets and Dad obliged. I was in the aviary with pocketfuls of sunflower-seeds. Whenever I threw a handful into the air above me, the air came to life with flickering yellow brushes and songs of joy. It was the happiest I have ever been, wholly surrounded and protected by my friends. Around twelve thirty that afternoon the Sheriff pulled up, lights ablaze. The blue and red lights stilled my yellow sky to green again and that’s when I heard the shouting. He cuffed my Dad on the hood of the car and Mom was crying and pushing her fists into the sheriff’s chest. I didn’t understand at all. The Sheriff ended up putting Mom in the car too and they all left me in the aviary. I sat there until around four that afternoon before they sent anyone to come get me.”
Delvos took a small bite of his bread and chewed a moment. “No matter how many handfuls of seeds I threw in the air after that, the birds wouldn’t stir. They wouldn’t even sing. I think they knew what was happening.”
I was at a loss for words so of course I blurted, “I didn’t see an aviary at your house…”
Delvos laughed. “Someone burnt down the house I was raised in the next week while we were sleeping. Mom died that night. The whole dark was burning with screams and my yellow canaries were orange and hot against the black sky. That’s the only night I’ve seen black canaries and the only night I’ve heard them scream.”
I swallowed some mixed nuts and they rubbed against my dry throat.
“They never caught the person. A week later Dad took the remainder of the birds and we marched into the woods. We worked for months clearing the land and rebuilding our lives. We spent most of the time in silence, except for the canary cries. When the house was finally built and the birds little coops were as well, Dad finally talked. The only thing he could say was ‘Canaries are not the same as a Phoenix, John. Not the same at all.”
The canary chirped, still only visible by the lanterns flame. Not fully yellow, I realized, here in the mines, but not fully orange either.

When I first walked onto John Delvos’ property on Thursday morning he was scattering feed into the bird coops in the front of his cabin. Everything was made of wood and still wet with the morning’s dew.
“Mr. Delvos?” He spun around, startled, and walked up to me a little too fast.
“Why are you here? Who are you?”
“My name is Lila Waters, sir, I am a photographer and journalist for National Geographic Magazine and we are going to run an article on your canaries.”
“Not interested”
“Please, sir, can I ask you just a few quick questions as take a couple pictures of your, erm, martyrs?”
His eyes narrowed and he walked up to me, studying my face with an intense, glowering gaze. He spit a mouthful of dip onto the ground without breaking eye contact. I shifted my camera bag’s weight to the other shoulder.
“Who told you to call them that?”
“I met Ian Benet last night, he told me how important your birds are to this community, sir. He sends his regards.”
Delvos laughed and motioned for me to follow as he turned his back. “You can take pictures but I have to approve which ones you publish. That’s my rule.”
“Sir, it’s really not up to me, you see, my boss, Jack Reynolds, is one of the CEO’s for the magazine and he...”
“Those are my rules, Ms. Waters.” He turned and picked back up the bucket of seed and began to walk back to the birds. “You want to interview me then we do it in the mine. Be back here at four thirty in the morning.”
“Sir…?”
“Get some sleep, Ms. Waters. You’ll want to be rested for the mine.” He turned, walked up his wooden stairs, and closed the door to his cabin.
I was left alone in the woods and spent the next hour snapping pictures of the little, yellow canaries in their cages. I took a couple pictures of his house and the surrounding trees, packed up my camera and trekked back to my motel.

“You finished yet?” Delvos stood up and the memory of his green and brown wooded homestead fled from my memory as the mine again consumed my consciousness. Dark, quiet, and stagnant. I closed the Ziploc and stuffed the bag, mainly filled with the raisins I sifted through, into my pocket.
Delvos grunted and the canary flapped in its cage as he stood again and, swinging the lantern, rounded another corner. The path we were on began to take a noticeable ***** downward and the moisture on the walls and air multiplied.
The canary chirped.
The lantern flickered against the moist, black stones, sleek and piled in the corners we past. The path stopped ahead at a wall of solid black and brown Earth.
The canary chirped twice.
It smelt of clay and mildew and Delvos said, “Go on, touch it.”
I reached my hand out, camera uselessly hanging like a bat over my shoulder. The rock was cold and hard. It felt dead.
The Canary was flitting its wings in the cage now, chirping every few seconds.
“This is the last tunnel they were digging when the gas under our feet broke free from hell and killed those men.”
Delvos hoisted the lantern above our heads, illuminating the surrounding gloom. All was completely still and even my own vapor seemed to fall out of my mouth and simply die. The canary was dancing a frantic jig, now, similar to the mating dance of the Great Frigate Bird I shot in the Amazon jungle. As I watched the canary and listened to its small wings beat against the cold metal cage I begin to feel dizzy. The bird’s cries had transformed into a scream colder than fire and somehow more fierce.
The ability to fly is what always made me jealous of birds as a child, but as my temple throbbed and the canary danced I realized I was amiss. Screaming, yellow feathers whipped and the entire inside of the cage was instantaneously filled. It was beautiful until the very end. Dizzying, really.
Defeated, the canary sank to the floor, one beaten wing hanging out of the iron bars at a most unnatural angle. Its claws were opening and closing, grasping the tainted cave air, or, perhaps, trying to push it away. Delvos unclipped the cage and sat it on the floor in the space between us, lantern still held swaying above his head. The bird was aflame now, the silent red blood absorbing into the apologetic, yellow feathers. Orange, a living fire. I pulled out my camera as I sat on the ground beside the cage. I took a few shots, the camera’s clicks louder than the feeble chirps sounding out of the canary’s tattered, yellow beak. My head was spinning. Its coal-black eyes reflected the lantern’s flame above. I could see its tiny, red tongue in the bottom of its mouth.
Opening.
Closing.
Opening, wider, too wide, then,
Silence.


I felt dizzy. I remember feeling the darkness surround me; it felt warm.

“I vaguely remember Delvos helping me to my feet, but leaving the mine was a complete haze.” I told the panel back in D.C., “It wasn’t until we had crossed the stream on the way back to the cabin that I began to feel myself again. Even then, I felt like I was living a dream. When we got back to the cabin the sight of the lively yellow canaries in their coops made me cry. Delvos brought me a bottle of water and told me I needed to hit the trail because the sun set early in the winter, so I le
“It really is,” I whispered, “It really is a beautiful world."


     “This really doesn’t feel safe,” Jamie said, her voice holding just a hint of fear. She was probably right. By anyone’s standards, this was straight up stupid, and here I had convinced her to come along with me.
     “Nah it’s totally fine. I wouldn’t do anything to put you in too much danger.” I said this without a hint of doubt in my voice, confident as usual. I had to keep the fearless and confident image or she might change her mind. I hoped the risk would be worth it in the end, but I couldn’t really be sure. How could I know unless I tried? If I didn’t try, I would just be left wondering how great it might have been.
     “We are really freaking high.” This time Jamie said it deadpan, more of an emotionless observation than anything else. Again, she was right. I looked down the long white ladder past her. It was probably 80 yards to the ground from where we were. Above us was another 20 yards of ladder, leading up to a narrow platform. We were climbing a water tower. The platform above us circled around the tower just below where it began to bulge outward into a spherical shape at the top. There was no safety cage around us, nothing to break our fall except for the climbing harnesses we wore. Each harness had two straps, each with a clip on the end. One clip would be snapped onto the first rung, then the next clip to the second, and so forth until we reached the top. It wasn’t fool proof but it was better than nothing.
     “But seriously my hands are getting tired. How much further is it?” Jamie was great, but complaining was one of her most annoying flaws. Most people wouldn’t have made it this far anyway. The fact that she had was just a testament to the athleticism and strength she had underneath all that complaining.
     “Close. Maybe fifty rungs. Hang on for another five minutes and we can sit down and rest.” Yet again she was right. My hands and forearms were burning like crazy. I had long ago learned that climbing with gloves on a slick painted surface was asking for trouble, so today we had no protection from the narrow rungs pressing into our skin.
     For the next fifty rungs, the only sound I could hear above my heavy breathing was the clink and snap as each clip was removed and replaced. It was surprisingly calm this evening, the sun not quite finished slipping below the horizon. It was late August, so the temperature was still somewhere in the 70s this time of day. The backpack on my back seemed to get heavier and heavier the higher we went. I could feel the straps digging into my shoulders and trying to tip me over backwards. This bag was far too big for what I was doing, but I needed some way to bring a sleeping bag and blanket up. Finally, my hand left the last rung and found the top of the steel platform. I unclipped from the last rung and snapped on to the hand rail that went around the outside edge before I reached down to take Jamie’s hand.
     “Thank you sir,” she said, “I see chivalry is not dead.” Her hand brushed a few loose strands of long blonde hair out of her face as she stood upright next to me, looking out over the edge.
     “Ok, you were right. This is worth it.” She said in a matter of fact tone. I laughed softly.
     “This isn’t actually what we came for,” I said with a grin, “We aren’t done climbing yet. I just didn’t think you would actually come if I told you how far we were going. But the view is really nice here.”
     “You can’t be serious. I didn’t see anything going up any further.” She sounded rather incredulous.
     “We have to follow this platform around to the other side. There is a set of stairs going up to the very top. At least it isn’t another ladder.” I tried to sound confident, like it had already been decided that we would go on, but I couldn’t stop a tiny bit of a pleading tone from leaking in. I knew there was a small chance that she would want to stop here, but I also knew that going just a bit further would be completely worth it. I had scoped this tower out from the ground several times, using my trusty binoculars that I bargained for at a neighbor’s yard sale. When I discovered the stairs going up past the platform, I used an online satellite map to take a peek at the very top of the tower. From what I had been able to tell, at the very top there was a completely level platform, twelve to fifteen feet in diameter, with a secure looking rail around it. Amazing what a person can find online.
     My hope was to spend the night on that platform, hence the sleeping bag and blanket in my massive backpack. Tonight was supposed to be the brightest and most active meteor shower of the year in North America and the weather had decided to be kind to us star gazers, leaving a clear and cloudless sky for the evening. It would be perfect. Perfect if Jamie would go along with it, that is.
     “You are the worst kind of person,” she said. She wasn’t facing me so I couldn’t really tell how she felt about it. Finally she turned around and rolled her eyes. “Ohhhkaaaay. Let’s go. We’ve already gone this far.” She was used to situations like this. I was the one who always wanted to push the limits, go a little further, risk just a bit more, and she was the one who always asked me to reconsider and then went along with it anyway. I always felt bad for a little while, but I got over it pretty quick. It’s not like she didn’t know me well.
     “You are the best kind of person,” I said with a wink and a grin, “But let’s rest for a bit. My arms are tired now.” We sat down and I took off my backpack, setting it on the platform beside me, digging through a side pocket. I pulled out two bottles of water and a box of Poptarts.
     “Poptart?” I offered, “Snack of champions. All the professional water tower climbers eat them I heard.”
     “How are you not fat,” she replied, taking a delicious cherry snack from the silver wrapper. It wasn’t a question really, it was more a running joke between her and I about how much I should actually weigh. She’d usually joke that one day all the junk I eat would hit me at once and I would wake up weighing 400 pounds. Even though she joked, she wasn’t beyond being bitter about my eating habits since she worked hard to keep a perfect physique.
     Next I pulled out two plain white pieces of paper and handed one to her. I began folding mine delicately into the perfect paper airplane, using the flat section of the water tower for some of the more delicate creases.
     “I don’t know why I hang out with you. You are literally so freaking weird. Like who the hell would bring paper up the side of a water tower just to make a paper airplane.” She laughed even as she criticized. I knew she didn’t really mind. She had on multiple occasions told me that my “quirkiness” as she put it definitely made me more interesting to be around. I guess I was a little odd, but I didn’t really think that was a bad thing. I did what I thought to be amusing or entertaining. It wasn’t my fault the rest of the world didn’t seem to feel quite the same way about life.
     “In fifty years don’t you want to be able to set your grandchild on your lap and tell them all about the time you tossed a paper airplane off the side of a water tower? Grandkids don’t want to hear boring stories. I would know. I was a grandkid once.” Jamie just shook her head with a grin and started folding her airplane. Mine was finished and ready to be launched into the great unknown.
     “This is Air Farce One to ground station Loser, requesting permission to take off.” I did my best Top Gun impression, trying to remember how cool Tom Cruise sounded when he said it.
     “This is ground station Awesome to Air Farce One. Ground station Loser could not be located but we can go ahead and give you permission to launch. Have a nice flight.” Jamie still had at least a little bit of a child left in her. I tossed my paper airplane over the side, watching it glide several hundred yards before landing in the low branches of a tree. Mission complete.
     “What perfect throwing form you have,” Jamie said sarcastically, "You were probably one of those nerds who just made paper airplanes in class all day as a kid." Ouch. Yea, that had been me. Jamie wound up and threw her airplane with all her strength. She had made more of a dart than a glider and it flew fast, eventually landing in a tree considerably further than mine had.
     “You win this round,” I said with mock disgust, only barely able to hide a smile, “Let’s keep going.” I removed my clips from the rail and began walking along the platform. The bulb at the top of the tower was much bigger than it looked from the ground. I could just imagine the thousands of gallons of water above and beside me.
     Eventually we reached the stairs. It was nice of the designers to have taken pity on the poor inspectors who had to climb this far up. A ladder going around the outside of the bulb would have been terrifying. The stairs curling around the side felt much more secure. Reaching the top, there was a narrow platform leading from the edge of the bulb where the stairs ended to the flat space in the center of the tower. There was only a handrail on the left side so Jamie and I were sure to snap our harnesses on. The sun had almost fully set by now, the last tendrils of light just enough to see by as we made our way to the center.
     “Okay this is cool. You know what we should have done? We totally should have brought an air mattress up here and slept or something,” Jamie thought aloud. “I’ll bet the stars look amazing from here. Oh and look you can already see the city lights over there!” I loved seeing her excited. She would take one hand and play with her hair while the other would point at things. It was kind of weird when I thought about it, how she always pointed at things when she was excited. But that was just Jamie being Jamie.
     “You read my mind.” I pulled the sleeping bag and blanket out of the backpack and laid them on the flat steel. I probably should have realized how cold that steel was going to be. Oh well.
     “We are so in sync right now,” Jamie laughed. “This is awesome. You were right.”
     “Wait so what did you think was in the bag?” I asked. She hadn’t mentioned it before and I never said anything about it.
     “Honestly I thought it was a parachute or some **** and you were going to try jumping off the edge,” she laughed, “I would have tried to stop you but I decided I really won’t feel guilty when you die doing something stupid.”
     “Brilliant!” I exclaimed, “I am so going to try that next time!” I wouldn’t really. I liked doing risky things, but I wasn’t suicidal. We spent the next few minutes getting the sleeping bag and blanket situated. I loved the fact that Jamie could be spontaneous sometimes and that she was totally okay with just camping out on top of a random water tower on a Wednesday night. How many people in the world would have been okay with that? I was lucky to have her as a friend.
     We had everything settled by the time darkness fell completely. The climbing harnesses had been stuffed into the backpack and the backpack had been strapped to the railing on the side of the platform. With the sleeping bag laid completely open, there was still at least five or six feet of open platform on all sides of us. It felt secure enough.
     “I also forgot to mention that tonight is a huge meteor shower.” Jamie and I were on our backs, looking up at the infinite blackness.
     “I love shooting stars.” She said softly. Her eyes were wide and I could see her making fake mustaches out of her hair. She had kicked off her shoes and socks and was wiggling her toes in the night air. There was only a sliver of moon, just bright enough that I could see the glow of it on her cheeks.
     “It makes me feel small,” Jamie whispered, “I feel like that should bother me, feeling small, but it doesn’t. It’s weird because it’s almost comforting to me. Here I am, this tiny speck of dust, floating around on a larger speck of dust in the middle of infinity.” She wasn’t usually one to enjoy philosophy, but on the rare occasions she spoke like that, her point of view and opinions usually inspired me. She had a beautiful mind. She just didn’t often care to open up and share it like this.
“It makes me feel like it can’t all be an accident. Some people say that we got here through a series of random and fortunate events, that there is no great plan or design. But I just don’t see how that can be. How can mere chance create something like this? Of all the possibilities, of the infinite infinite possibilities, I just can’t believe that people, that you and I or anyone else were put here by accident. I don’t think that life could be an accident.” She spoke softly the whole time. Her voice never raised or quickened. Words seemed to flow forth effortlessly, as if this all were prepared and practiced. She was able to speak without doubt or hesitation, with such certainty that even the greatest cynic might have stopped to listen.
     She continued on, weaving words as though spells, playing ideas as though harp strings. She talked about her life, telling me things she never had before, teaching me things even I didn’t know. Jamie didn’t seem to be Jamie for the next while. Instead, she seemed to have become a font of wisdom, ideas, and genius. At least, that is how I saw her. She was able to take a single idea, and examine it from all perspectives. It was as though she held it in her palm, slowly rotating it to peer closer. She made connections that I had never thought of, inspiring me to think even deeper, loving the moment. All the while she lay there, watching the stars, wiggling her toes, and making pretend mustaches out of that long blonde hair. Eventually, she turned silent.
     “But what if it is an accident?” I said. My voice was unusually soft. “What if it was all an accident? What if there is no plan, no fate, and no reason for anything? What if there is no beginning or end and we are just insignificant bits of space dust? The idea of it not being an accident just seems so conveniently comforting, almost too convenient.” Jamie was silent after I finished. My heart was beating fast and my mind was alive. I didn’t feel close to being tired.
     “So what if it is,” she said eventually, “What difference does it make? Even if it is all an accident. Even if there is no meaning to life at all, it seems like a beautiful accident to me. Here we are, you and I, able to share this with each other. That seems like a beautiful accident to me. Here is this great big world, all the adventure, all the excitement, and all the love that it is filled with. That seems like a beautiful accident to me. Here is this infinitely huge sky, filled with stars that are incomprehensibly far away. If this is all an accident, it is the most beautiful I can imagine.” She paused for a while longer. “I feel that whatever you believe, it doesn’t really matter. Perhaps you believe there is a supreme design and plan, or maybe you believe that life is an accident filled with chaos. It doesn’t matter. We all live in the same world. We all see the same beautiful sights, we are surrounded by it. It is only our perception of it that differs. I choose to believe that such an incredibly beautiful world cannot be an accident.”
     I was quiet for a long time. Jamie had, for all intents and purposes, rocked my world. Hers was a perspective I had never thought of before. I, who believed I had thought it through from every angle. I, who believed myself smarter than the world. I realized then, at that moment, laying on the top of a water tower in late August watching a meteor shower, that maybe I was not a genius. Maybe I did not have the world figured out like I had believed. Maybe, just maybe, I was just a cynic; a cynic blinded by the misfortunes I had seen and suffered; a cynic disappointed in a world that had not treated me well.
     Jamie took my hand in hers, interlocking her slender fingers within my larger ones. She turned her head to the side and looked at me, still sporting a fake mustache. The sliver of moon was reflected in her eyes just so that I could not really look into them. Her lips were curled into just the slightes
Does it really matter whether or not this world,
Is made from some divine blueprint?
What beauty is lost in either idea?
It doesn't matter if this is an accident.

Excerpt from my book of short stories, Fictional Truth.
When did you become a stormy sea of obsession?
Confining in all of your ways
Renouncing all moves in any direction
When one does not yield to the calls, you play

Attempts to govern unclipped wings can be exhausting
The very thought is so gravely insane
Yet you still despondently try to cage in free spirits
With those borders you set and maintain

You reveal uncertainty in your own validation
In the faith you hold in your own
When you desperately try to close off the sky
From free spirits thirsting to roam

Did you know that your borders are guarded by insecurity?
They are useless and protected in vain
Take a look inside the cages you obsessively provide
Not a single free spirit remains
Copyright *Neva Flores @2010
www.changefulstorm.blogspot.com
www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/Changefulstorm
sweatshop jam Jan 2014
I am reading this poem,
late, in the snug familiarity of my bed,
with gentle night-light and sable night-sky,
stars swimming beyond the glass,
warm breaths fogging up the panes.
I am reading this poem,
curled on a beanbag in a library with her my by side,
breaths stirring against my skin,
like the winds of time, of change, taking me away from here.
I am reading this poem,
in a room that is abound with remembrance and days gone by,
where the bedclothes are heaped, fresh and steaming with warmth,
with the same freedom that the open valise speaks of,
a journey ending in success, a triumphant flight.
I am reading this poem,
as the underground train screeches to a halt,
and before heading up the stairs,
towards the love that life has bestowed on me.
I am reading this poem,
by the glow of the laptop screen,
where the headlines flash and flicker,
for once, joy is splashed across the monitor.
I am reading this poem in a waiting room,
of meeting eyes and crinkling smiles, more friends than strangers,
without fear.
I am reading this poem by firelight,
in the simple joy and jubilation of the young who know they matter,
and live with hope and inner liberation, from the earliest of ages.
I am reading this poem,
freed of the curved lenses, the cloudy cataracts,
and I can see the letters for what they are and I read on,
because this freedom is precious.
I am reading this poem as I sit by the radiator,
the milk is already warm (electricity isn’t cut these days)
child in my arms, book in my hand,
because life is waiting for me to live it,
knowing it is never too short or too long but just right.
I am reading this poem not in my language,
while she sits at my side and helps me translate,
because tongues are free to roam now.
I am reading this poem listening for something,
stopping to savour the taste of freedom,
to be able to refuse the task I cannot turn to.
I am reading this poem because I can,
and there is so much left to read
I have now and forever,
to soar untamed with wings unclipped, clothed as I am.
Matt Cardinal Feb 2014
Like stray dogs in suburbia we wander.
We once knew a path in our distant dog-year past
one our owners walked us down,
dragging us nowhere fast.
It was catholic school teachers,
conformist preachers
and all the other tame creatures who took us on our way.
We walked on their time,
to the beat of a drum our paws weren't made to pound.
And we were dragged by a noose (otherwise known as a leash)
but their language is not our language
so while I called it what it is
they called it keeping me safe.

What the masters don't know
is that sometimes they leave the wrong door open
and a fence in the yard or a parental guilt trip
feels about as big as a crack in the sidewalk to jump over
when the street looks like a filthy paradise
where things like loud are louder,
fast is faster,
scary, scarier,
and reality, realer.

Now we're never in any rush
because anywhere and everywhere is home
so simply staying in doesn't feel so bad.
Routine is no longer in our vocabulary.
Vocabulary is no longer in our collection of words
and our collection of words is no longer so clean.

We wander because ideas described to us as garbage
taste better than the textbook kibbles-n-bits
and even though it's not served hot
or in a bowl with our names on it
the fact that we found it ourselves
feels better than having our tummies rubbed
or making the grade.

None of this is to say that the old house
will never be home again.
Doggy doors are always open
and winters are always cold.
So once I've had enough of life's streets
teaching me more important things
than rolling over or playing dead,
things like knowing tricks don't always come with treats,
we might just go back inside.

And returning won't be our loss
because we'll be walking back in with unclipped claws for the first time
and with all our baby teeth and naive fears gone,
we just might bite.
Crysta Gingras Jan 2016
My angel
My angel
Please fly down from your heaven
And bless me with your beautiful glow
With your wings unclipped
Your hair in a fit
And your dress complete with a bow
May you bless me with your presence
And fill me with delight
Let me breathe in your essence
And wrap my arms around you, tight
Pulling you close into me
Between us, no longer space
Savoring this sweet embrace
Face to face we will finally be
My arms wrapped around you
Yours wrap around me
And together, though close
We are finally free
Good Morning my Angel
Anthony Williams Aug 2014
You ignite the papaya scent
of Zanzibar romances
spiced woods behind ears
seducing the body's non-senses
like kisses enticed from hints
formed in a humid land
kneading your cat pad toes
into my kicked off sandals

soft sinking
warm as sand spreading
on golden embers
smoking like a slow glowing dhow
sailing wine tumblers
spilling Matemwe beach rays
of crystal rain in sunshine
tinkling against my skin
like the random meditation
in wind chimes

tuned by the slight twitch
of Mnemba Atoll frangipani
to unwind my fire
into an isle of leaves
singing sunny
somewhere mysterious
through winding alleyways
we kissed on shady curves
sprung open
on to Stone Town seas

your weather
beaten hair
waving in Forodhani Gardens
showered into labyrinthine storms
travelled blue-black horizons
infused with times
of thunder roaming
lost in alluring plans
mindful I look back to check
your coral stone directions

we swept into an unclipped tent
of Salamah **** Saïd's
eating hot shwarma
like I was the Sultan and you princess
your attractions slipping a cargo off
of precious unguent wet essentials
drying to flow a silken scarf
around Darajani Market thrills

floating in a dark continent
on each kiss to my needy neck
leaning in the white wake
of Zani-bar dreams
which seek
to push the boat out
on your shoulder
once you're moored
on to my arms

longing for you
swaying now
under sweating hot
Gizenga road palms
In 1866, the vivacious Princess Salamah **** Sa'id of Zanzibar eloped with a German merchant and eventually settled with him in Hamburg.
The promiscuity of men and women passengers, sleeping together on the deck during her first journey to Europe, was just one of the many cultural shocks she would have to overcome in the course of her exile. Bland food, pork meat, people's excessive drinking, Hamburg's concentration of blond people difficult to distinguish one from the other for an untrained eye, names impossible to remember, people hurrying in the streets, others constantly scrubbing the floor of their dwelling while bathing only once a week in a ***** bathtub, because showers and running water were not the norm in these parts, women wearing most uncomfortable corsets and stiffened petticoat, small rooms, thick curtains, dark rooms, closed doors and an over-abundance of gadgets in the kitchens: the list is endless of the things that struck her as highly puzzling.
A contrasting role-reversal of modern tourism to her home country.
DP Younginger May 2013
Stress cushioned grips, Check.
Speed Racer threads of mental strains, Check.
Lazy legs with baggy exhaustion, Check.
Unshaved follicles and overlapped cuticles, Check.
Unclipped toes with rotten flakes of age, Check.
Un-fished priorities topped off with an absent cherry, Check.
Uneasy knees and crack able joints, Check.
Absent-minded realizations of accomplishment, Check.
Did I miss something crucial? Check.
Motivation…Check.
Productivity in moderation…Check.
A list of values to jump over silently…
Viseract May 2021
Mist-minded, clouded thoughts
Can't seem to focus, or keep rapport
Importance is relevant, irrelevant I dwell
In this cartography, well-drawn Hell

Zipped up lips, verbiage tripped
The spoken, delivery, edge unclipped
Harsh and cold, worn limestone
Regardless of polish, I'm overgrown

What feels real is this heart of steel
All else surrounds, of fabric, of gown
Dressed up nice to masquerade
False-tipped smiles, dead parade.

The forge burns true, just underneath
My love, my Sun, I shall bequeath
Hardened and cold, aftermath of the craft
Add a little heat and reveal my heart.
Reality can feel like the worst illusion, but when it fades, my heart awaits
Greg Obrecht Dec 2013
Time to fade from view
My words cut to shreds
You stand there over me

Unblinking eyes
Judging mouth
Uncomprehending mind

Back into a shell of pain
No comfort in the dark
Echoes haunt my world

Unrealized potential
Wasted life
Hopeless addict

Back up against the void
Plunging through the depths
Carefree and infinitely alive

Thoughtless nirvana
Unclipped wings
Golden radiance
Terry Collett Dec 2013
Milka followed Baruch
along the road
to his parent's house
and up the stairs

to his bedroom
she looking about her
as she climbed
won't your parent’s

be home?
she asked
no they're at work
he said

my mother until
half two
Milka nodded
and thought

of the bewilderment
if they came home
too soon
and what if they did?

they came to the landing
and he showed her
the single bed
by the wall

next to another
by the window
whose bed is that?
she asked

my brother's
Baruch said
he's away
oh

she said looking
at the single bed
by the wall
with the blue bed cover

well?
he said
what do you think?
she looked at the bed

and then at Baruch
it's a bit narrow
she said
it'll be ok

he said
unless you don't want to
he said
she bit her lip

are you sure
no one
will be back early?
sure as sure

he said
he took in
her bright eyes
the hair

shoulder length
and well groomed
the yellow
tight fitting top

and blue jeans
she looked by him
at the window
can anyone see us?

he looked out
the window
I’ll close the curtains
he said

she looked at him there
eyes wide open
and alert
his black jeans

and white shirt
you don't have to
he said
just thought

that after last time
in the barn
it would be better here
she nodded

that was a bit
uncomfortable
she said smiling
hay and straw

in my *******
when I got home
he smiled
yes and that mouse

that ran over
my backside
she laughed
and relaxed

and I screamed
she said
he nodded
and looked at her

standing there
by the bed
we don't have to
if you'd rather not

he said
she looked at him
and said
I want to

it's just the anxiety
that your parents
will come home
and catch us

he stroked her hair
they won't
he said
I'd not risk it

if I thought
they'd be home early
she sat on the bed
and he sat next to her

she kicked off her shoes
and he did so too
she looked at him again
then  stood up

and unzipped her jeans
and took them off
and laid them
on the other bed

he did like wise
she took off the top
over her head
and placed it on top

of her jeans
he took off his shirt
and put it on top
of his jeans

then she unclipped
her bra
and threw it
to the other bed

he stood there
gazing at her
small mounds
the brownish dugs

she removed
her pink *******
and flicked them
to the bed

by the window
where they rested
by the windowsill
he took off his briefs

and threw them over
by his jeans
she breathed out
deeply and slowly

he put a hand
on right breast
felt the softness
ran his fingers

over the dug
she smiled
and touched his pecker
then she lay down

on the bed
and he lay beside her
his hand touching
her thigh

and she saw
the sunlight
through
the uncurtained window

in the bright
midday sky.
A boy and girl prepare for their second ****** adventure.
david badgerow May 2015
i once knew a girl who liked to get ****** hard
during rainstorms wearing striped purple socks
she liked to have her face bounce off the wooden head-board
while her hungry teeth tried to grab at it
something about the thunder and lightning finger-banging heaven outside really got her juices flowing she said

so i'm out on my front porch naked again
unadorned except for flowers pasted on my eyes
and a small burnt-black buddha dangling around my neck
not meditating or peacefully practicing yoga
just jacking off alone
small white *** clenched tight
legs bent at the knee thigh muscles quivering
against the shadows and the weight of my glistening body
fist wrapped hard around inflamed ****
mimicking the hot friction of the sky

i am a pure creature with potent armpits freebasing a rainbow
as the birds grow loud in the trees and two
paper tabs soak into the flesh of my tongue
grunting and swatting at oversized mosquitoes
my size twelves with unclipped toenails grip and rake
the edge porch concrete underneath as thunder hovers
over my jungle and lightning beats the humid air
sending gooseflesh tingling up my spine
i'm standing in subtropical light casting
a big silhouette against the sky and treetops

the garden of eden is my most sensitive memory
and i am a piece of well-oiled machinery
brushed with gold a brave slender boy
simple and greased with a glowing soul and
***** ******* gesturing in the direction of the stars
fingertips tickling the steepest part of the curve
i am screaming my testimony shattering the
skylight and any remaining windows voice warped
into hook-shaped echoes like a wood pole trembling and chanting in the pre-tornado wind

the rain will start to come just as soon as i do
i can smell it on the wind so i reach around and press the tip of my littlest finger into my own tender ******* like they do in *****-tonk saloons because ******* i'm feeling frisky
pulse swelling in my throat face growing flush
temples and nostrils flaring in a state of mindless joy
and sure enough as the hanging fern sweats the first drops
of sugar-rain onto my chest i'm drifting through heaven backward
reeking with attitude squeezing thick fluid out
of a flexible container aiming it at the desert rose colored
sun stained and loyal to the very end
as sweat and rain collect in puddles
at the back of my skinny knees
i'm paralyzed with clarity and
blinking under pre-hypnotic
eyebrows
DieingEmbers Feb 2012
The Slobber Mouth lives deep down south,
hunting the Ner' do wells.
with candy canes and wooden trains,
with buzzers and with bells.

With fur of green, that's never clean,
and eyes so big and red.
Four filthy paws with unclipped claws,
he fills the woods with dread.

Spiked tail and horns and teeth like thorns,
fixed in a scarey smile.
A ******* nose and ragged clothes,
make up his unique style.

Baiting his traps with midday naps,
false promises and lies.
with wasted hours and April showers,
and soft spoke lullabyes.

Dust bunnies hop but never stop,
and never are they caught.
For they are wise to slobbers lies,
and all the gifts he's brought.
 
The Mites and Motes in winter coats,
so quickly scurry by.
for they too know never to go,
where Slobbers presents lie.

The feather bed floats over head,
the carpet thick with fluff.
He stamps his feet knowing he's beat
and screams enoughs enough.

He packs his sock and checks the clock,
so soon the house will rise.
Stomping away to sleep all day,
and hide from prying eyes.

Beneath your bed this sleepy head,
sits down to scheme and plan.
Tomorrow night if all goes right,
I'll catch the Bogeyman.

On tippy toes in bedtime clothes,
his teddy in his hand.
He waves goodnight to all in sight,
and leaves for faery lands.
Rory Nunn Jan 2017
Sometimes I mine for echoes
Ghosts of sounds within me still
Cicadas and the clash of boules
Soft voices from the hill

Two young boys tongue-tied in the sun
Barefoot on summer's shore
Soft feet licked clean by freedom's whim
With oceans to explore

My mother nurtured flowers
Drowning shadows out with paint
The brightness of geraniums
The patience of a saint

My father cut the grass too much
And ran to clear his mind
Until the echoes of the Angelus
Beseeched him to unwind

My brother lined his time with books
He tore through Willard Price
And towed me just behind him
Through the fronds of paradise

Marauding hornets launched their raids
From castles in the attic
While Stanley mined for longwave gold
From seams deep in the static

And all the while
My granny kept her patience in the shade
Her deck of cards adorned with birds
Their feathers slightly frayed

The swallows scythed through open skies
Back home where they belonged
And like Narcissus, swooped from height
To kiss the surface of the pond

The wasps built paper palaces
The geckos froze on sight
And midwife toads woke from their doze
To tune up for the night

As daytime took its leave
We sought out satellites and stars
Then lay in quiet contemplation
Watching Venus waltz with Mars

I remember cowboys’ breakfasts
With my father by the lake
Freewheeling with the moon roof open
For freewheeling's sake

We wore our bike tyres paper thin
Climbed castle walls unseen
Dived into lakes to race for ducks
And ruled the world at just thirteen

We fashioned bows and arrows
From the saplings in the wood
Sprung ambushes from chestnut shade
And fell dead where we stood

We roamed the dust-filled houses
On the back streets off the square
An ageless band of soldiers
Feigning death without a care

We raced around the wood yard
Sometimes scuffled in the dust
We traded glances with the neighbours' girls
And felt the nascent tug of lust

We sought out mischief in the hills
Stole naughtily from shelves
Smoked roll-ups in a Dutch girl's car
Unclipped our wings and helped ourselves
Clair Meyrick Feb 2017
Sitting on hands
Feet turning inwards
Trying to hide the inside
From the outside world
Goosebumps on pale skin
Patiently waiting
For the hand that feeds
crumbs
Listen carefully
can hear a tiny voice?
Perched precariously
Head lifts
Heart beat quickens
Fingers unhinge the cage
The door creaks
With wings unclipped
Freedom beckons
Yawn awake
Hear the delicate song
Eh Dec 2013
Your lifeless body with your unclipped toe nails and your tiny feet
Your old, grey face with a look of defeat
Sadness came straight through my door
When I saw you had collapsed on the living room floor
I just wanted to hold you one last time
To try and shake these sad feelings of mine
I gave you a kiss and I knew I wouldn't get one back
I for sure knew, it would be my last
Thank you for always being a great listener when I needed you most
Unfortunately in 14 hours I leave for the west coast
I'll take the lessons you taught and the love that you gave
And spread it far and wide until I reach my own grave
When I reach that grave you'll know that your spirit did not die
But there's a hint of it in everyone I've met worldwide
And when they meet others you will too know
That your very spirit has helped them grow
Mike Adam Apr 2016
In the garden
before it was lost,
(come back soon
lost garden),
pepper vines grew around
the sweet fruit trees.

durian fell
sarongs rose,

all was fecund in the globe
of sour tamarind
and bitter herb;
a balance, a unity
of love given and
lust taken.

chilli red yellow green
shone in morning mist,
evening gloam among
myriad leaves clogging the undug pool,
hurting the fish breath
in the old frog pond.

unpicked, the fruit.
unclipped, the hedge.

all my life
too lazy to get ahead,
leaving all my fruit to seed.
let it rot and feed the sand
soil, grow turf beneath the trees.
in this moment only hell and heaven.
liz Jun 2015
The amount of eraser shavings I have tucked away in my night stand could fill up twelve pencil boxes.
Words have been erasing from my paper like hunters beating down trails for homeless, bony foxes.
And I'm afraid of all the words that I'm going to forget as I'm running blind, straight ahead.
My unclipped claws are scratching the dirt in a race that won't settle anything- that won't lay the hunters to bed.
The night couldn't get anymore viscous as it calls in the boisterous wind to erase everything that I have to say like a merciless king.
The hunters don't know there is no pack leader, that I'm alone, and the tracks I leave behind are the words that sting.
I've lost sight of my pages in this cold, lightless wood; rendered breathless and afraid.
I'm trying to speak, but all that's coming out of my mouth are eraser shavings and the hunters have already took their first bullet to invade.
So, the drawer beside my cold bed is composed of red, crumbled pieces of rubber full of words I'll never know.
As I lay beneath the menacing branches, waiting for the hunters to pass,  I watch with crackling, shaking bones everything
that was once a friend to me, dissolve like white snow.
in adroit flight are these words.

drunk with the proper   tremendousness of rampant trifles.

they will soar like rigid flame
as the tacit air agonizes in its
  grave failure -

i am saluted by moths
weighted by the dusts of sleep,
peregrinating around
my mortal fire - wings unclipped,
they pine away from the heat
of this wonder they try
to unwind like tough scabs
to erstwhile wounds.

prescient science
nor foolish aeons cannot
shave this wreathed land baring
the enigma of its history -

the thrall of poetry's pulchritude!
the way it makes its way
like a conference of beasts
  roaring innocuously,
  or simply a lamppost
brought to life in the night,
  imploding in itself,
  a burst of primal colours!
Simon Soane Sep 2015
Not to want to fly,
supposing wings
can bring defeat;
this, not unclipped,
a gentle bloom of plume,
lifting the see, to saw and see.
Ignatius Hosiana Jun 2023
Maybe we were going nowhere or somewhere,
Our paths uncertain, destiny's secrets to bear.
But in our comfort, we clipped our wings and feathers,
Forgetting the dreams that once bound us together.

Lost in the solace of finding one another's embrace,
We settled into a rhythm, a comfortable space.
But in the process, we stifled our flight,
Denying the yearning for adventures and new heights.

The winds of change whispered their gentle plea,
To reclaim our wings, to set our spirits free.
For comfort can breed complacency, my dear,
And complacency extinguishes the flame we hold dear.

So let us dare to spread our wings once more,
To chase the horizons we've longed for before.
Embrace the uncertainty, the thrill of the unknown,
And rediscover the passion that once brightly shone.

Together, let's mend our clipped wings and feathers,
Rekindle the fire that burns for grand endeavors.
For in finding each other, we discovered a spark,
A shared desire to soar, to venture, to embark.

No more settling for comfort's gentle snare,
But to embrace the journey, with all its flair.
With wings mended and feathers intact,
We'll chart a course, side by side, in love's impactful act.

So let's set our sights on somewhere further,
Embrace the unknown, with hearts full of fervor.
Unfolding our wings, we'll explore, hand in hand,
Discovering the beauty of a limitless, boundless land.
kirk Mar 2018
A cottage in the country a woven roof of thatch
In the kitchen a fat lady her knickers on the latch
Pulled down past her chubby thighs exposing her hot hatch
Within those apple gatherers a juicy damp wet patch

Wearing an undone apron with her bra unclipped to match
A wooden spoon is waiting she's cooking up a batch
Arthritic hands maybe a snag but not much of a catch
Spoon up her hole to stir the bowl using her wide ******

Two 44dd mixing bowls a mixture of flour and ginger
Sugar hurled and butter twirled with her vigorous ***** ninja
Spoon dripping salted essences oozing down that wooded stirrup
Ground cinnamon is added with her special golden syrup
A touch of soda bicarb an egg mixed in with her *****
Spoon inserted actions ***** squeezing wince and cringe

Shaped and cut a ginger nut ***** mixing makes you ache
Ovens hot sheet trays are got greased slid inside to bake
A warming up made from her cup is this a big mistake
Gingers fine if dough is prime so now who's on the make

Your on the rise what a surprise now you are awake
Placed on the side with tarts beside I wonder what's at stake
Rampant ginger smells so good some pieces fall and flake
In bed with tarts a fancy start when Fred has had his cake
Part 1 of a 2 part poem part 2 " tarts in bed with ginger fred "
JB Jan 2019
the scent of

“it’s 3AM.
My fingernails are long
***** clockwork
-unclipped-
oiled-jagged hands - I am,
                                     like time,
                                     spent

in a coffee shop, with a drink
you don’t like much
and, still, hours to ****.

No One Loves It
Who Isn’t
Anymore

calling
a ***** for
a life before “YOUR”



nervous nerves, us,



stomach ache
heart ache
more of the same old breaks
Schanzé Aug 2015
I stared at the thick gold band of the bracelet he’d clipped onto my wrist, and it angered me.
I was furious at the fact that I couldn’t take it off, couldn’t find the strength to break a promise even when he had – countless times.
Instead of stroking my heart with the soft delicate hands of love, and feeding my soul the light and euphoria that comes from loving another, tears began to form in my eyes.
They bubbled up, filled to the brim and remained there; refusing to fall, refusing to disappear and yet they remained.

They swam in the uncertainty, the pain, the sorrow, the heartache.
And blurred my vision, hindering my sight.
As the tears spilled over and traveled down my cheeks, I knew that being in love wasn’t meant to feel this way.
That instead of crying and wiping away the tears and trying to cover up the pink tint around my eyes, I should have been in his arms.
I should have felt secure, safe, loved.
I should have been calm and assured because in a relationship common courtesy applies to the other.
I should not have been worrying about where he was or if he was okay.
I shouldn’t have wondered if he was coming home, I shouldn’t have been afraid of him blatantly lying to my face, repeatedly – but I was.

He could never text and tell me that he was fine, tell me where he was or when I could expect him home.
He could never pause for a second and consider my feelings, my emotions or my concerns.
He could never call just to say “I miss your voice”
He could make empty promises and trick me into promising the world.
They would lay in his eyes, bright and enticing screaming at me that this time it was real.
He could lift my hand to his lips and place kisses on my wrist, the knuckles and the spaces in between, and proceed to look into my eyes and tell me that I meant the world to him, that there was nothing more important, that he needed me.
I would melt, all of my anger, my frustration, my distrust, my thoughts would melt away when his eyes met mine and he said “baby, I love you”
Each time, he would look into my brown eyes and promise that this time, this time would be different.
He promised the stars but never mentioned that I’d get burned reaching for them.
He promised the ocean but never mentioned the icy cold waters I would drown in searching for his love in the waves.
He promised the light to put an end to the darkness Id been forced to live in but never told me that the bulb would blind me and then fuse.
He swore that he would give his life for mine but never mentioned that I’d have to sacrifice my soul to redeem it.

He swore that he loved me but never told me what he was swearing on.
He made promises to tell the truth, but never mentioned that I would be the only honest one.
He made me love him, but never warned me that he would leave with it and render me incapable of loving again.

So I unclipped the bracelet, watching it fall from my wrist and land on the bed.
I picked it up and put it on my bedside table.
Breaking the first promise in the thousands I had made.
David R Jul 2021
face drawn, pale and pallid,
eyes sunken as spirit tarried,
rattled cage o' tired invalid
fifty suns soul had carried

the flame waned and flickered
in frame worn and withered,
battle scarcely begun
before adversary won

and now the wings unclipped 'n ready
waited for abeyance of inner eddy
waited to be free at last
of physical prison, physical cast

the spirit feels can linger no more
it rattles and shakes and knocks on door
with one last guttural click and snore
breaks free the darkness, begins to soar.
BLT's Merriam-Webster Word of The Day Challenge:
#guttural, adversary
T R S Jun 2019
I find that fire burns when gas is all around
And I find dead useless meat in a freezer
because it's old and can't be found.

I ripped out grass
out of the ground
with my unclipped nails.

I build dirt under my skin
and it's why my life has failed.
margotskidder Feb 2019
Feeling of euphoria dominating that room

That exasperating space of leftover domestics, lust verging on predatory
Unwashed, unclipped, orange tinged fingertips scooping up the dregs of Asda's smart price nuts

I was in my element, masking my child in me
My hormonal fireworks had gone into this moment.

I had made it.

I was 14 and a pub singer.

My family beamed, my Dad unrecognisable
The room roared, happy feet stomped and energetic hands clapped; erupting into our very own earthquake

I took a sneaky mouthful of my concealed pint, covering my modesty in my must look 18 dress

The rockers rocked
The lovers kissed
Eighties fans shook their hips
My father missed... it

The smoke was as thick as **** the *****
It danced in a flurried daze with our quickened breath, singing 'Tubthumping'

If I could have bottled that, I would take a sniff of that smelling salt to bring me round any day
DISSECT ME.
RIP OUT MY CORE AND BELITTLE THE MOMENTS I HELD IN REJOICE.
I'll realize what came to me as special when you leave through that door.
Not that you even entered my home but that you left it open.
And the hinges will remain unclipped.
Like EVERY WORD that leaves me lip.
CAUSE AT THIS POINT WHAT'S EVEN TRUE. I'M NOT SURE
WHY THE **** DO YOU GIVE ME FEELINGS WITH NO CLOSURE.
GOD ****** IM SO HURT.
- Feb 2021
I am afraid of the stench of death,
Rigor mortis,
The sound of my own heartbeat.

I am afraid of things that breathe
Things that can see me, and things that can be heard.
The roughness of my knuckles,
The warmth of my own neck,
And the movement of aimless leaves.

I am afraid of the howl a car makes as it starts,
The pitch of a human voice,
What is hidden beneath a lampshade,
And the sound of fake grass beneath my shoes.

There is no solace from turbidity
Nor respite from that booming entropy.
Leaves are always turning, corpses always rotting,
Dishes left unclean and toenails that go unclipped.

There are turgid limbs and dying calves,
Budding flowers that twist senselessly
Toward the sun.
There is the mist that infects the air
And the suited men who come to **** it.

Asbestos, saccharine frosting, ugly babies
and an unending parade of horrors which present themselves
in my dreams or in busy shopping malls.

So i clutch my heart, wear my seatbelt
lock my doors, count the unending corners,
mark the burgeoning rooms in a hallway,
wash my hands twice with soap,
and pray to a baleful god for my immortal soul and supple skin.
justoneman Dec 2019
You told me you saw God in your ascension to the heavens,
but I await for her arrival in the field,
among the people -
Breaking bread with the broken,
Bearing the burden of belief.

The morning light is peaking
and neither of us can sleep.
Not because we don't want today to end,
But because tomorrow will be the same.

Worse that the fool is the fooled,
Darker than the depths is the fall.

I no longer cry out for unclipped wings,
For now, I too, know why the caged bird sings.
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2022
TAKE ONE: not enough time to relax and for the buzz to wear off, i.e. not reflective enough, jumbled mess of feelings, spaghetti tangles - also not enough alcohol for me to relax into writing something with genuine feelings...

i don't know why i'm sitting up and trying to force this
onto a piece of paper...
i'm literally: knackered... i'll be unimaginative...
force of habit i guess... nothing more:
     i'm not expecting to write something spectacular...
not since leaving the house at 10am...
getting to Wembley for 12pm... being one of the first
people from the company, not even the managers
were there... a shift that started at 12:45pm and ended
at 1am...

buzzing

i got home at 4am... which i reckon isn't that bad,
walking to Wembley Park Station... ****...
and the underground worker i asked before the shift
promised me that: oh no, the Jubilee line is not
affected by the night-tube drivers...
only the Central and Victoria lines are affected...
that's the information i read up on the TfL website
anyway... ****... oh well... walked to Wembley
Central and everything just clicked...
the N18 bus was almost packed... sitting in traffic...
generous driver opened the back doors and about
5 of us jumped in... went to the upper deck...
took off my coat... took my tie off...
      unclipped about three buttons from my neck
down... and the buttons on my sleeves...
rolled them up...
               what just happened... did it?
       tired, buzzing, tired, buzzing... if only i could
get a beer...

put some music on...
    my life is currently epitomised by...
                FooR x Majestic x Dread MC - Fresh
but obviously i wasn't listen to that...
Piano and String Quartets from Schubert's The Trout...
for the love of night buses in London...
and esp. after an event like that: you can feel the vibrations
of everything going back to normal...
   i can sort of imagine a Halloween party this
year... with someone dressed up as the year 2020...
with a face-mask... a face shield, pandemic white overalls,
yellow plastic gloves...
  yeah... that would really make up for a great
Halloween suit...

ended me being the only supervisor in charge of about
20 stewards... there were these two others
but one was busy with his 16 while the one i was
supposed to work with ****** off somewhere
and never came back... i was originally only supposed
to be allocated 6 stewards...

man-down... let's do this...
   surprisingly very little trouble...
                 vaping... drunkenness: obviously...
it's not a football match: you could actually drink in view
of the "pitch"...
            but i was like: wow...
    94 thousand people in this hole in the ground that
rose up and dragged walls around it...
and right in the middle.... this tiny... tiny...
    stage... a boxing ring...
                 at first it was sort of unimpressive...
the crowd was scarce... the day was still here...
the artificial lights looked like someone was
shining light into mirrors...
                 light was barely coming out of them...
Tyson's cousin was one of the pre-fight fights...
me running around tending to all the stewards
under my supervision, tending to their needs...
and obviously... one *******...
but when i say *******... well... it's complicated...
even his mother said that he has underlying
mental health issues... and a drinking problem...

///////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\

TAKE TWO

i'm finally sitting down and willing to write something
that might feel equivalent to squeezing a lemon,
something genuine... like: i might cut myself...
and then squeeze a lemon... pour some salt on the cut
that came about by accident while cutting vegetables...
i want this night to sink in...
i missed last night... i only got home at 4am...
mind you: that's a good record... if you're leaving Wembley
at 1am... Wembley Central...
getting the N18 bus to Oxford Circus... then the N25
bus to somewhere like Manor Park...
switching to N86... getting to Romford... then walking
back home... in your hand... some memorabilia
(programme) from the Fury vs. Whyte boxing match...
you still don't know what just happened...
some people paid a lot of money to see this match-up....
but you? you were there... for free...
and getting paid on top of that... first take...
i tried my hardest to capture everything...
impossible... not after 4am... i mused for a bit
until 6am... saw the sun coming: i'm out...
this rabbit's heart is pumping too much...
its legs are swollen from all the running around...
i got up at about 2-30 in the afternoon...
   looked around... what the **** just happened?
where was i for the past two days?
i know i left home at 10am yesterday...
   i came back home at 4am today... so that's pretty
much two days gone...
   where was i? where...
                  somewhere... somewhere...
            let me tell you... in a stadium that's supposed
to be fit for a football match...
seeing 94 thousand people crammed in...
with nothing to look at but this little stage...
a boxing ring in this hole in the ground that rose up...
it's so... different... i have no better word for it...

so i calmly sat down... watched a little of the West
Ham vs. Chelsea match...
got bored... went out to buy three ciders... drank one...
then started making dinner...
Silesian gnocchi - the trick being...
you cook potatoes... let them cool...
        you squeeze them into a "mash"...
cut them into four portions...
                      take a quarter out...
add a quarter of potato flour... one egg-yolk...
mix it... first with knife and spoon...
then with your hands... if you went all in with your
hands you'd get too much goo stuck to your fingers...
then you add the removed quarter of potatoes into
the mix...
         once properly kneaded... you pinch little
doughnuts from the dough...
                         you pinch... roll them in your hands
and then squish them by inserting your index finger
into them being in the cusp of your hand...
then... you boil them in water... two minutes once
they rise to the top... then... you get some cold water
into a bowl... and take them out... put them into
that cold water so they firm up...
   and slightly stop cooking... but to firm them up...
and then you serve these with a nice onion sauce
and some pork belly and some... pickles... coleslaw...
i knew that i needed to do something today...
return to reality...
   i knew i needed to watch: this is going to be painful...
brilliant show... dark comedy at its finest...
i knew i needed to take out the garbage...
yesterday was yesterday...
                it's another world... another stage...
it's not a world for poets...
                 there was a point where the poet was needed...
i already mentioned the incident...
a mental health crisis...
   a muddle of conversation... the guy was with his
mum... she bought the tickets...
but he was being a complete *** about it...
well... he went off... left him... because he asked
her to buy him some spirits... but they don't sell
strong alcohol in any stadium... just beer...
he became ******* about that... he was already drinking
the night before till late...
too exited to see the fight...
          what a ******* muddle... drunk... abusive to
my stewards... each time i had to step in and try
to not... call in the intervention team... the SIA ******
that would come in and handle him physically:
twist his arm and be all wide-eyed with fear-adrenaline...
i'm not ******* radioing in for those ******...
we can talk this over... no need for violence...
no need for an ejection... let's play ping pong...
i tell him: listen... you paid to be here...
i'm being paid: to be here... see the difference?
it's not fair that i get to see this for free: and get paid
for it... while you're just willing to forgo seeing this fight...
your mum bought the ******* tickets...
stay... look! the lights are on! there are 94 thousand people
packed into this stadium! stay...
i took him to the side... he cried... ashamed...
rightly so... panic attacks... cry all you want...
but you're still going to sit this one out...
here... if the crowd is too big... sit on the seats reserved
for the disabled people...
more space... you'll be surrounded by stewards...
twice he tried to leave... once i had to ask my manager
to speak to his mum when he became a sort of a missing
person... found him... sat him down...
he watched the fight... personally? i too was overwhelmed...
but i was working... so i could let that show...

it's almost funny... me writing this... it's like the fight
didn't even happen... well... it sort of did...
but for me... it felt like... playing with toy figurines
of superheroes... or some G.I. Joe...
sure... but i was switching at watching two ants
fight in the distance and the screens above them
that enlarged them...

and to think: this was no my role... my official title
was media escort... i helped about three new media
personnel to get the proper credentials:
but the rest were usual... the other supervisor ******
off somewhere so i had to fill his role... take care
of the VIPs and the people who paid extra money...
faces that became blurry... didn't recognise any of them...
fame is a cruel bride...
i was more concerned with the wellbeing of
the stewards i inherited... from only supposedly 6
i had... about 20... kneeling to each of their whims...
some were just too neurotic: too confrontational...
i had to step in to explain to the public:
he's a nervous creature... spare me the trouble...
just... go along... it'll make my life easier...
just stop making the argument that smoking
your portable-shisha is not smoking a normal
cigarette... listen... i've become a contained
animal when it comes to smoking since 1pm...
and i have to wait until 1am to have a drag...
if i have to do it: you can too...

oh i did manage to watch the entire Fury vs. Whyte
match... by then everyone was watching it...
so i could cool off...
some cute black girl VIP asked me if i could call
in a blocked toilet in the VIP section...
i have the stewards a heads-up when approached
by a Frank Bruno lackey (think... Mr Pickwick
and Sam Weller... but this wasn't a Sam Weller you'd
want around... nothing humourus about this
Sam Weller... just a star-struck busy body)...
oh he has a body-guard... he's going ring-side...
he needs extra protection...
i passed the message on... hey... i was only assigned
the role of being a media escort...
why the **** am i doing all these other roles?
and... **** me... this is only my second shift
at Wembley... the first shift was a joke...
i was on level 5 in the glass room... telling people whatever
the **** i was telling them... now... in the thick of it...
i'm stressed one minute... relaxing the next...
i'm coordinating stewards left right and centre...
i hate the idea that just because i had a radio
and an ear-piece i'm the ******* island of peace
that Noah found after the flood...
            i already know what that Manchester ******
of a "supervisor" is doing... betting online on the sly...
i clench my teeth... grinding my teeth: everyone's alright?

by now i'm already doing what i usually do at
a football match... i yawn... i'm thinking of returning
to my garden, to my bed and finding some peace...
because... that's the usual standard...
10% of people do all the work of... let's cut the pie up
fairly... 50% of the work...
which would make them: sentence prone to get
their bearings in doing... oh no no... not menial:
manual labour... that's the whole **** joke...
doing... menial... manual.... pointlessness...
i'm thinking: did the Nazis read the myth of Sisyphus?!
- and it's not like we're a cohort of bricklayers...
we're ensuring people don't become over-excited...
we keep them in check...
pick up a brick... throw it... great...
but then try to not argue with a human being...
try to appease them...
tell them: listen... mate...
i too love freedom... believe me... freedom...
so i watched...

  these supposedly high tier women... well...
that's a great dress... that's great ***...
but... ahem... i can't seem to be able to distinguish them
from prostitutes...
personally? i think i've had better looking women
in my bed at £120 an hour
than... £3000 an event at a dinner table...
sorry... i think i'm sparring with some of these days...
i'm looking out of curiosity... some of the stuff they
float is... so... unimpressive...
   maybe that's why i look like it like...
David Attenborough looking at...
oh wow! i just thought of it...
imagine... a pre-history... where...
           that meteor: what proof?
        killed... not massive lizards... but... massive insects!
i get money... you get a lot of fluke on that...
i have a kaleidoscope of pyramids and stars of David
in my mind...
i was not, supposed... to this work...
it just became automatically assigned to me...
because... only a day prior... went to the Turkish
barber... went for a haircut... looked pretty SS...
just needed the suit...
   once i got bored of the high-payers sitting around
too long after the match i sort of started interpreting
a funny march... i'd walk around the glass wall
with a: slide up... move leg forward... stomp...
repeat... repeat...
  
   oh man... but once the VIP "celebrities" were pushing
the lines...
the manager didn't call me to intervene:
but i intervened...
familiar faces... honestly? i didn't recognise most
of them... i can count my fingers... i have two hands...
i can count how many toes i have too, believe me...

i did see Frank Bruno when he was returning from
ring-side... he looked like such a shell of a man...
he actually brushed against me...
almost paranoid... half the man...
       i guess that's what happens in this sort of business...
someone always takes you over...
he wouldn't have received a 94 thousand crowd
for one of his fights... but maybe he sorted spotted
a kindred soul...
i just thought: Frankie ol' boy... maybe you should
switch from what sort of sport you watch?
you were a boxer... why not decide on...
Olympic judo? that's still fighting...
but the rules are tighter... it's more of a play-around-rough
up... you're not in harm's way from a concussion...

and... let's face it... the Fury KO of Whyte?
that wasn't a proper undercut...
he skimmed his chin... he: skimmed it...
it wasn't an outright Mortal Kombat undercut...
he didn't punch him: he kissed him...
and... Tyson has no body of a boxer... aesthetically...
he's fat at the hips... he has love-handles...
and... i guess that's what happens when
you reach a certain height... 6ft9... i've seen men taller
than me... most of them get a hunch... their shoulders
are not proportionate to the rest of their body...
they're much smaller...
personally? i don't think Fury has an aesthetic physique...
maybe that's useful... it must be useful...
like i never understood men that strive
to have the size of their arms to be almost proportionate
to the size of the legs...
makes no sense... to have the same volume
of arm to leg...
you know: you just want some aesthetic bulk
around your collar-bone...
  that drips down a layering of details...
Fury is a love-bun... around the waist...

                       once upon a time: said a David to a Goliath...
oh man... the VIP section was a treat...
i walk in... start talking to the catering staff...
help them with removing the bottles...
and there's this... i hardly can say this about most
men i meet... this pretty copper-neck curly:
i don't ******* know what he is...
half-Somali half-Kurdish... it's London...
it's Danzig... but we get on...
busy? not so busy? who have you seen?
he says: i don't know most of them...
me too... i couldn't tell you who's famous and who
isn't...
   i spotted this itchy look...
"famous" women...
   herr primofizier doesn't recongise her...
slim clad... eh... 10th of a buttocks exposed...
i'm still ******* running on blank...
Love Island type of celebrity... sorry... what?
i'm not even talking to the VIPs... i'm talking to the catering
staff... they seem less: oh... you see me...
ergo... i see you...
                so he pulls out a bottle of Budweiser...
i tell i wish... just give me a cold bottle of Sprite...
back up... back up...
   i've seen too much of that face on t.v.
Dermot O'Leary leaving via the press entrance / exit...
my stewards ****** up... he was supposed
to be leaving via the "VIP" entrance / exit...
he really did surprise me... i spontaneously say hello...
hello back...
             ****... i didn't bring my t.v. along...
weird... seeing people of superficial fame
in real time... i mean: Kant's famous.. but he's also
dead... it's like a hall of mirrors...
when you see someone on t.v. but when you
see them in real life you're like: so... where's the t.v.,
mate?! because it was different with Frank Bruno...
he was a boxer... he did something beside
present a t.v. show...
                 tiers of fame...
who else was on the list... best those...
THOTS of love island?!
         me... i thank the guy part of the catering staff...
who gave me a cold bottle of Sprite...
Paddy McGuinness...
         i have to actually type these words into a search
engine... regarding who i saw...
indian comedian funny eye...  Romesh Ranganathan...
and? he was walking past me with...
QI cast... search engine... Alan Davis... Davies...
   anyone else?
        Stuart Pearce! but... that was another occasion...
he walked so casually past me at some other
football match...
        no... wait... there was one... ****... there wasn't...

it's new territory for me...
trying to ensure a bunch of stewards are tended to...
and... seeing people... fame... ha ha...
more like a social club... given... there's...
what... 9 billion in this world?
i'm thinking... double-down... take to some art...
wait... with luck... once you'll die...
ah... then it'll kick in... but by then...
you'll already be dead... so... it really won't matter
to you...
                  hmm... now that i have seen
famous... "famous" men... men that should really
walk with either t.v. segments of their incursion
on the pop psyche or... tags like: hello, my name is:
Zee / Zed... and i'm famous beause:
penicillin and ****...
TAGS... i am yet to see a famous: a F'AH-MOUSSE:
i.e. woman...
          the famous men... just as disorientated
like the rest of us... rich men?
sort of in-group scared... well... buoyancy...
it's so much different to what i've already experienced...
supervisor of stewards... do it properly...
crowd management can take on army-like-rigour...
famous people don't keep each other in check...
well... they do... when they get into trouble...
but they do this: keeping-each-other-in-check
when it's too late...
             i once went to a Big Brother... whatever the ****
it was... with this high-school friend of mine...
Tina... signing... opening... whatever the **** it was...
and while in the crowd...
placards... reading APPLAUD... blah blah...
with... "celebrities"...
and now i'm mingling with "celebrities"
and... all i'm thinking about is...
talking to the catering staff... for a free bottle of Sprite...
because: that's human! because there's a God
and no Pharaoh!

- and i know i attended this high pretege event...
i know that... where hierarchies of men
tickle thumb... tickle thumb...
i'm still of surprised why i haven't been allocated
a place in an asylum...
well... the fight was one... but i was trying to
keep this panic attack riddled beef-cake of a boy
from:
funny... that... there's this one lineage of madmen
that cry... have panic attacks...
while their mothers remain stern... priceless:
while there's the lineage of "us" that have
the capacity to make our mothers cry...
because we cook, we are custodians of
the household... we tend to our gardens...

               and we also tend to people...
                      supposed upper tiers of people...
levelling ground...
            like i said... if there was anyone famous
in this crowd... i spotted about... 3 or 4 faces...
the rest... skim reading... tabloid journalism...
i much prefer talk to the cogs and the generalisation
of machinery... it was a success that
some of the stewards that under me replied with:
i want to work with you again...
because you listen to my concerns
and you implement a change in making
my concerns abate...

                 now i'm relaxed...
the 3h trip via N18, N25 and via N86...
relaxed me... as did Schubert... the Trout...
             tonight's the night i drink to excess and
think... well.... "think" about people...
i'd rather think about masks... masquerades...
and Madame... Tuss... Tusseouds...
   Tussauds... too many ******* vowels!

this grand event happened... seriously?!
American Pie...
what if you were to sing...
Nights in White Satin?!
           or Combichrist: Sent to Destroy?!

— The End —