Sometimes a man can't say
What he . . . A wind comes
And his doors don't rattle. Rain
Comes and his hair is dry.

There's a lot to keep inside
And a lot to . . . Sometimes shame
Means we. . . Children are cruel,
He's six and his hands. . .

Even Hamlet kept passing
The king praying
And the king said,
"There was something. . . ."

Lust
Can never
Replace love
Because every word
I write
Is love
And lust
Is just
The period**.

Reading Vonnegut

I'm reading Vonnegut
I'm tired
Had to look up three words
In three pages
The app wanted more money
To view the words
In a sentence
I don't have the money

So the sentances remain
Unknown  
I long to be more like Kurt
I dream intense
Repetitive dreams
My pen in my hand
Thoughts profound
I reside inside his followers
I want to go to a party

And quote meaningful texts
I want to join that society
'Catachresis'
Now there's a word for me
The writer inside me
Is trapped
Uncultured

Behind failed education
Inside a broken mind
Desperate to find those words
To explain my thoughts
Which are deep and saturated of
Feeling..... No one will hear me
My emotions frozen

Those three words
In three pages
Already evaporated
I have another four words now
Four more to research
Four more to skim my brain
To mock my intelligence
The app wants more money

I'm reading vonnegut
And I'm tired

What is fantasy?
False fantasy confession
Understanding by analogy
The fantasy of me
Counter brainwaves
With thought guns
Deceive me
I am a self agenda
Schools are found
In the background
School mask
Real me
Real mask
School me
Fat
Sad
and
Bad
Submissive
Fantasy
Villain
Happy he should be
Look down
Straight Shot
Straight up
It's up
Fantasy is theater
Acting like a character
How many writers in a snare.
One by one making a dare
School of thought thought up
Subscribers indentured to strange
What a hollow soto
A thin man's polo
Stripped with dread
Woe on theater
Theater is the past
Back in history
****** get hit by disarray
This is a history made this way
Only character hits from these paypools
Not so obvious doc!
Try to be less conscious!
Tu lewai to LA FENESTRA
I'm playing the tropes
That I loathe and despire
Even I hide my own words
Get a thought recorder
Shipping and packaging is free for the day.
250 of the most popular
Words arranged in draft sentances
I am a fantasy! U play in.
Don't worry
I am an expert attorney
Trained in exquisite self fantasy
Proffessor of Future Fantasies
Or maybe Garfield the nat
"Sneekky rouououttttt. I know the truuttthh.
It's a parks and rec
Adventure sketch
I am declining
I've lost my health
This issssnnn'tttt FAIR
Director "CUT!"
IT COMES FROM THE HUMAN MIND
HAAUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can you
Teach
Them
That
CAT
IN
THE
HAT
???
??!
?!?
!??
!!?
!!!
@
#
$
Fantasy
Divorced
From mys
elf
Argumentative
Prentinsuous
And
parsimonious
Who buys it?

Hello tree people, kings, figs and newts,
We delight inexplicably, mice and toads!
Under loud moons that wreak of pools,
Before greasy footsteps into knights and lions.
And loudly dwindles the extreme crown pig,
The reality hardship of all sun and crowd.
Forgotten mishap rulers that apply inch worms,
And a staff of quails, jesters, and pawns.
Sence to sentances, prison rain druming, squeeks.
Filthy boring evaporating with kangaroo shorts,
Cut half tall.

I will taste the lust on your lips,
For I have watched it linger there.
I will coax out those words you hide in your mind,
For I have seen sentances spark within your stare.
I will bite at these things that keep you contained,
For I also wish to be free from restrains.

I take a second,
Pondering the strange situation I've found myself in.

"How are you?"

Mom said don't talk to strangers,
Is he a stranger?
This man I see on the subway
Everyday?

"I'm fine, thanks"

My heart is pounding,
The sentance has taken my breath away.

He's a stranger I decide,
I finger my trusty phone,
My safe place in the screen.

"Buisness?"

I ignore him,
Because saying something would be rude.
I pretend not to hear.

My breath slows,
My heart calms itself.

And conversation dies.

Two sentances.
That's all we had.

... and WHY.


I write extemporaneously.

Now there's a million dollar word!

What does it mean?
It is defined as working, writing
or speaking without preparation.
Anything that is off the top of your
head. Off the cuff.

Is there anything a writer would like more? To be able to sit down and let those words flow like a spring. The subconscious fully aligned with the conscious mind. This is the very essence of inspiration!

What is the derivation of the word inspiration? To inhale. To breathe in.*

It is like your lungs are your conscious mind and the subconsciousness is the very atmosphere around you!

When I write the words are inhaled. They just come. Very seldom do i cogitate. I want my words to be cogant here. I don't want preconcieved cognition!

Are you totally confused now? Why?

Your vocabulary. There are words you don't understand in my last paragraph. Perhaps the words cogitate, cogant and cognition?

LOOK THEM UP! Use a good dictionary and get the definition. The CORRECT definition. Read ALL the definitions and use them in sentances of your own making. That way they are in your head. They are not only part of your conscious mind but your subconscious mind as well!!! SO NOW THEY ARE IN YOUR ATMOSPHERE TO BREATHE!

Am I making sense? Let me know via the site message system if you don't understand.

Look it up. R E A D. Voraciously.
And write. WRITE. W R I T E!!!

Why do I write?

To release pent up feelings. When you're able to tap into the subconscious mind it is a release.

AND

For the sheer joy of doing so!

You will understand once you start writing as I do. Anyone can do it.

*A N Y O N E.

Rubbing my bleary eyes
Staring at my computer screen
Scrolling down
Scrolling back up (i couldnt remember what id just read)
Sigh
Breathe
Type a few words
So much to do
Back to reading
Scrolling down
Scroling back up (i couldnt remember what id just read)
So little time
Type a few words
Sigh
Scrubbing my we epy eyes
So tired
Breaathe
Cant finish
Glaring at my computor screen
Scrlling down
Scrolling down
Scrolling back up (cant remeber what id just read)
Have to finishe
Type a few sentances
So close
Back t oreading
Scroling down
Scrolling
Typeing  a more sentancess
Almost
So tired
Kneading my sleapy eys
theere
Sigh
Tpe the slat sentanc
Andd

Done.

light seeps into your room
blinding
winding up your curtains
ever so slighty
to peak through
now look at you shining
standing there
with an air of dignity
what's it like to bloom?

how do I tell you i love you?
complete my sentances
hop on a train to somewhere
far away
look to the sky
see my curves in the clouds
the wind blowing my hair
when you smell the mountain air
call me when you get back
let me know
how ive changed
from so long ago

i didn't know you at seventeen
but I wasn't so squeaky clean
anymore
tell me you adore me
tell me how you've never wanted anything
more
don't make this a scene
we're not funny this way
i just want to a be a person
i just you want to stay

Derailed again through twisted train of thought,
brings me to my knees,crippled through racing mind self shame to myself I've brought.
Faster faster it races on with non logical ideas to cause pain.
My head brings dark clouds fog thunderstorms with rain.
A tsunami like a virus it's spread, infected my very wake.
So I climbed off this faster carriage to try to give myself a break.
Numbing all takes every ounce of strength,
yearning within my very soul ill goes to any length.
Paralyzed with fear of family alone, if I suceed with ending it all.
Dead inside now a numbed feeling to help me cope, I feel sick.
These cold railway tracks rusted damp and twisted lay up ahead confront me.
I no i have to board again soon as this was an unscheduled stop,
no waiting platform for me to be welcomed  by a loved one.
Alone I fight it, legs heavy, each step forward weighed down by quicksand .
I have to rise, the world is spinning,
spoken words from others jumbled.
Unable to concentrate enough to speak words to form sentances not jumbled.

Again I board the train it gains speed,
the outlook from the window a haze of green as trees and field zoom past at lightening speed.
I close my eyes ,I can hear the rattling of carriages, the wheels grinding along the track.
clackaty clack clackaty clack.
So I sit back slumped in the corner of the carriage.
I visualise my life flash before my closed eyes within my mind.

It makes sense now, I need to filter the good the bad the ugly from my subconscious.
Clear my mind wipe it blank.start again.
Trapped within the comfort of this carriage I now relax almost feel safe.I've let go.
My destination is uncertain but I will not quit.
This steel coffin upon wheels that I once perceived to be the end slows,
cla ckty c l a c k cal ckty c l a c k.
it stops I disembark.

It's then I realize I am the driver of my own train of thought. me.
Me in the driving seat alone.me.
I can control it.me
I will do it me.
My life a new platform awaits me.
I hope it is all the positives I percieve it to be.
I can do this.me.
I am now free.

To live with a purpose takes more effort than they tell you.
Saying it come naturally might just nationally be the biggest lie.
When passions strikes you ride the wave, because it just comes and go's it never stays.
The way we make ourselves so vulernable.
Putting our own lives at stake to take place in a dust bunny we call history.
To stare and be amazed in aw we praise.
Those who rise with this struggle and come out with strength.
Riding that passion till it dropps you off straight.
Straight into the waves of life.
So you try to swim back to shore, and look back realizing theres nothing more.
They don't tell you when you start the descent you have to lose everything.
They just tell you to let go when you fall.
Hoping that we all,
Understand this life with half meant sentances disguised as fortunes.
Make it yours and live on your own.
But what does that mean.
You'll spend your whole life searching for something greater than yourself just to find out you are the greatness sewed in every seam.
And you live your life thinking it could be all a lie.
Its just one great big comply after comply.
So you lose sight. You might even forget how to breathe.
You might scratch at the surface just to remember the peak.
You might hope every night that the sunsets in remembrance.
So when you wake up at least something was consistent.
It's a daunting task.
Living for yourself.
But just remember,
You're the only one who'll take care of you when everyone's left.

Starry eyes and gnarly lies.
It's all just a trick.
All of it. Every bit.
Every sensation.
Every ounce of what it is to feel is a trick.
That sneaks up on us,
That mutes us,
That frees us,
That mutates us, if we want.

To think that not so long ago I was looking at starry eyes and falling swiftly into fits.
That I was captured by a heightened feeling of 'only you'.

Those two sentances need not have been. Just to say "To Think", is enough.
There, you've done it, you're a human, congratulations.

But for the sake of my self and the purposes of this prose:

I used to think: only you.
But now I know: every me.

The heady deep, that starry gaze, the sensation of falling into the night with your fingers on his lips...
It's not love, love.

It's just you. Experiencing you. As you decide that you want to.