heavy head, ****** and tired sleep echoes through my corridor head. love, a treasure, buried deep within my x-marked chest; i stuck blades of grass in a picture frame, because everything else went away: like the cleaning lady outside my door, vacuum like a pet dog, pawing at carpet, grooming it with its soft, snuffly nose. mess cleaned and she went away. vacuum like a pet dog, hip-hugging, man's best friend.

lines in the bathroom, lines out the back. waiting and shaking with a crazy laugh filled with warmth like a smile radiating from my muscles. powder leaves the plastic surface, like the cleanin lady outside my door, and her sniffling, snuffling vacuum-dog. ****** into a ten dollar bill, with a whimper and a sigh, the pup hops away with its owner, the cleaning lady off to brush along some other fool's corridors.

on the cold steel, the train slows down, a mile out from the station. up hill, down hill, steam choking carriage, searching for thrill in the click clack, crazy rails of a cool powder train. in the bathroom crushing pills to get you up hill, down hill, with a steam choked carriage and that cleaning lady outside my door, she brought that dog, and he was barking real loud, makin' a fool out of me, in the bathroom of that click clack, crazy powder train. hands scritch' scratchin' on the white sheets, until in a moment, it all crumbles to dust, ridin' on the wind's back, leaving like they all do, like the cleaning lady outside my door, and that pet vacuum-dog of hers.

I’ve been a cracked soul walking on whole concrete

tar black soles slappin rapidly under weary feet..
the slaps are getting old but still, they repeat, they repeat..
like energizer bunnies, beatin deep on the ground beneath..
the sounds drummin off the walls, comin back, an rattlin my teeth..
I added a couple curses and spit it back rattling the streets..

that day I became a shell of a man walkin on cracked concrete

Cerebellum in hand scratchin my head hopin for thoughts to leak..
caught me starin again, eyes open to the sky, posing like an artful greek..
had this eerie feeling inside, tellin me my soul is an authentic antique..
but I still got uncomfortable when my current eugenics got critiqued..
I’m awed and terrified at what’s to come in my last couple a hundred weeks..
but I knew someday I wanna see laughter passin over a couple of my childrens cheeks..

So that day I began to be a whole man, soul searchin and walkin on my own two feet..

I started off by scratchin words furiously on a tattered old blank sheet..
but I don’t do it purposely to get my name on a brightly lit, white, and gold marquis..
it’s just this is the only voice I’ve got to spit a Kodak picture of my soul for free..
so my hands dance out a thousand words on paper.. every moment, a snapshot of “me”..
I rush to gather the images before they drown in reality like hazy morning dreams..
they stand up as living proof of who I am so I frame em for this crazy world to see..

cause today I stand on solid ground with well planted feet, as the man my family always wanted me to be..

I am the conqueror of both whole, and cracked concrete!!

It ain't alwayls all good     in hollywood
I think you got the lights and cameras     misunderstood

Your either rich and famous or your broke and nameless

If you find treasure there, make sure and claim it

I would if I could    but I'm sinking on a ship just off shore
All from doin no good     and takin' a sniff of somethin' too pure

Everything in between is just ways to the mean
And every other thing just might seem, like a golden light beam
Givin' me the light thats green,    but it's the red light I shoulda seen
Now I'm at a crime scene    lookin' at a body as its soul leaves
watch them clasp for that last breath then I feel deaths cold breeze
I realize I should've stayed at the party
At Corey's
maybe even had someone hide my car keys

Now the police
Are gonna check    My blood alcohol content
There gonna search my car next,  
find the pills,powders and forged checks
What can I do now      except.....
Run! ....  Run! Run!
3 min later I'm hidin' in a   tree fort
K -9 scratchin at the   tree bark
Cop lights shining through the two   by fours
Head for the hills head for the forest

Its all the bad decisions that brought me here
The thoughts in my head and words in my ear
Escaping capture doesnt mean I'm in the clear
I'm probably gonna spend the entire next year

Trying to shoulder the bolder
That already ran me over
Shouldn't have let those ashes smolder
cause the heat just made things colder
Keepin up the run just to be run over
Theres no beat or instrumental to be sung over

Clearly you've run into you .... Into you, into yourself
Oh ****! Me runnin' in to me my own worst enemy
How shall I now procede, I cant move I can't speak , what the **** is wrong with my two feet?

Who knows....

I still Would   Never, never, never

I would never change a thing! I could never change a thing!
I wont rearrange extract or change a ******* thing
I will never change a thing! I could never change a thing!
Not one thing in my life
I'll still die laughing
Even if I die tonight

I will continue
To misuse
Abuse the excuse
Just to refuse
The fact that I even tried to make an excuse

I called it a reason cause I was reaching
Fell to short to excede my own region
Vultures in the sky watchin' me lie half alive still bleedin'

I don't know if I'm gonna make it past this one
Either shes about to sing or the fat lady already sung
Everything I had tied together has come undone
Under one thunder proof roof in a thunderstorm

But I can't complain, I love the drama, I love the rain
I love the electricity of the lightning makin' this blood pump through my veins

That's why
I...
I would never change a thing! I could never change a thing!
I wont rearrange extract or change a ******* thing
I will never change a thing! I could never change a thing!
Not one thing in my life
I'll still die laughing
Even if I die tonight


Ok, okay
Next test, the next step, the best relief of stress
Except this is not a passable test
But the only way to move on is to accept
The fact that I might be a devil's reject
I take a moment let myself level and reflect

Ok, Got it....

I have....

No jack,no bean stalk, no golden eggs
Just me, my talk, my walk on both my legs
No tricks, no gimmicks, no magician with cards already positioned
I will attempt to fix but not relinquish the hand I've been given
Cause no matter what this mother ******' world keeps spinnin'

And I'll say it again...

I would never change a thing! I could never change a thing!
I wont rearrange extract or change a ******* thing
I will never change a thing! I could never change a thing!
Not one thing in my life
I'll still die laughing
Even if I die tonight

(Release Me!)
***....

I'm the illa Killa Vanilla Consilla
Know That
I be the dope deala and deli meat Grrrrilla
like a Mystical street Thrilla  
The Miracle Manzilla
A Mothra villian Chilla

If you rashin like pencil scratchin
for tongue tappin I cure like
penicillin the Wolf and Ben Stiller
I'm a hot steel on flesh wound heala!
(sssiizzzzle)

(Bang Bang)
Wake up to phone ringing
I'm head slinging
cloth stacking on a body
I'm sleep lacking
stay on track AND
(click clack)

My engine blows steam to
organize the regime
*** when I'm working
and writing
I am typing
and crying
*** this Job is dying me colors
like slashing my back and
(click clack)

They beast master and calls stack
I get my slack
between breaks and phone clack
and back track
to where the last ink slapped paper
and draw back from vapors
that ventilate out my ears
like kids caper through streets
with Halloween treats
I'm riding rails
like open sails
like blowing gales
it's raining hail
I'm screaming Hell
In this cube E Cell
(Toot Toooot)

My grey matter is burning
My soul coal is churning
like a witch on stick burning
(Crackle Pop Snap)
Release
(To get Back)
I Master peace
cause my mind's eyes flying
the call cue is dying my fingers fly
no longer trying
to typecast
I drive fast
then Breakfast
for den her
Then
(sshhhhhhh)

The universal remote
is on mute

transcending this dome
my transcendental home
It's my cue

To slip into
the zone
I sip a bit of foam
my cup of coco from
thus releasing my thoughts with YuuHmm

(slurp slurp)

I think for others Daily
Rarely given space or time or Air We
All must trust the Wind gust of
dust and skin gone so scaly
Yet I slither as slow as snails to my home
for me in my dome
to slip into the zone
I sip a bit of foam
from my cup of coco
thus releasing me with an
(Ohm)
of work for others Daily
Rarely given time or space or air WE
all must trust the Wind gusts of dust
and skin gone scaly
So we slither as slow as snails
to a home
for me
deep in my dome
sipping on the zone
bit off coco cup foam
slow snails slip
(Ohm....)
I master peace
Wind
(Release!)

I have no control,
I'm just a reflection of emotions deep below,
Feed me some antipsychotics,
Free me from my mind,
Bionic-

I got the sickest of Minds,
Come equipped with the quickest depictions that sicken your eyes,
Unassisted, don't be resistin' the fight,
Trip sixes leave you ******* to die,
Rap circles around you like a serpent constrictin your life,
Drag you through the mud and the muck before I kiss you goodbye like the crucifixion of Christ,
You don't know what's livin inside or what I put into these lines,
You might wanna diss me but it's almost forbidden to try,
**** on you ******* while I'm kissin the sky,
Diss all your writtens while you listen to mine,
A misfit, I'm twisted with an addiction to rhyme,
Watch you stiffen at the sight of me hissin at night,
Silence these voices I tried but my prescription ain't right,
My lungs are collapsin like somethins kickin my sides,
I'm not twitchin, I'm flinchin,
Pay attention, there's a difference,
Somethin wants to get in and take away my decisions,
Sometimes I wonder how the **** I got in this position,
I keep talkin to God even though he don't listen,
He's prob'ly ******* from all the sins I've committed,
Unspeakable actions let the demons in, scratchin,
I keep pleadin and askin but believe I'm the baddest,
Can't seem to keep it, reactin, but receivin the static,
Creepin in the dreams of an addict that needs to be handed,
It's reachin in me and its makin me panic, I'm takin it back and,
Retracin my tracks and erasin the past and,
Replace you with ashes and take the flame back I'm,
Burnin alive while rehearsing these lines,
You can feel it churnin inside, the turnin through time,
You're cursin my life,
Feel like bursting inside-

Feed me some antipsychotics,
Free me from my mind,
Bionic,
Walkin a fine line,
But I called it,
"Its night time,"
Don't worry, I'm on it-

i spur with emotions, drinkin lots potions feeelin nautious yet still hopin,to come out this truth i cant stomach like vommit.
sick with the love bites im  scratchin, feeling whats left of my heart, a  fraction, my souls is cracked in, sea beast that dwells deep like the crackin,
my actions seem to hold no bounds,snortin pounds,
i keep gettin chained up like kratos, getting chased by hell hounds,
go around my mind, youll see a fault, of my own,
cant stand myself **** ***** im all alone
im pintched tight between **** i dont like,
i choose to be!! only me myslef and I be
dealin with drama , thats takin heavy not lightly.
just a thougth i always ponder.. to creek and somber,
into a sleep were river flows deep like my mind,and conscious.
i fight daily, mind body nd soul, im lossin myself im no longer a whole, ima shell of what i used to be, fill me up with slug, thats all i wish well...that you can recite as my eulogy..


BY: Emmanuel Jv Hernandez
5/23/14

Jimbo rode the tri-county circuit
Holdin' on to the seat of his pants
(They gotta lotta nice gullza)
Ax slung way down low so he could feel it
Bumpin' the ******* grind
Feels so good when the wood rubs against the 501 metal buttons
Scratchin' up the back o' dat Fender P Bass
High on the stage
In front of crowds or in a cage
There's a kinda woman who'll dance all night
Same kinda woman lookin' good in the spotlight
That kind of woman show her ******* if the price is right
For Jimbo and the band it's free
Three sets in and she's just now ready to party
What most will call a party
Somebody yells "Play 'Free bird'" 10 times
Jimbo can't let that go on
He takes his **** *** bass from his sexier shoulders and he walks all the way to a dead end drunk soldier
"Listen man, like you listen to the band, we don't much like playing 'Free Bird'.
It's too **** long and
It's a Skynyrd song and if we was gonna play we'd wait until the encore
When everybody's drunk and shoutin' for more, too wasted to care how bad we ***** it up"
Well that drunk got the gist and he might have been ****** but there weren't no denying the logic
"Free Bird"'alright for the end of the night
Third sets just too **** early
Jimbo kept his promise, he played that song and it ****** sure sounded like ****
But he'd been right cuz all the night they drank whiskey and rye and nobody recognized it
They put it to rest, packed their gear up as best they could
They went lookin for marijuana and women
Jim couldn't tell you what the other boys found but he bought some Zig Zags and he lay right down with a
Heifer who had her eyes for the guitar player
Who wasn't interested in heifers
She was gonna show Jimbo what this heifer could do
Then ask him to tell Mel the Guitar Man what was in store for him if only he'd change that red light to green
This is what the tri county circuits all about
Yours for the asking if you've got a
Shred of talent
Jimbo thought that heifer was fine
Thanked the little lady for a mighty good times
She said, baby tell that *** picker I got a surprise
Jim told her, sorry sweetcheekers, Mel only likes guys
At which point she seemed defeated
Maybe she'd been a little too conceited
Jimbo turned and stormed right out of the place
He went lookin' for that girl who'd flashed her ******* in his face
But he didn't find her

It is as if I am alone in a sand desert
In my chair, of course,
(See the poor photo, the head inadvertent)
Bay watching the sunset perform,
Except for the gusting 25 mph wind,
Easy-pretend it is July Fourth.

The sun sparkles my customized
Fireworks.
This time I have the desert deserted,
The bay is empty, the few pleasure boats
Obeying my cease and desist request.

Just me, the water sun sparklers,
The wind, and of course, you,
Besides me, as I have countless imagined.

Our crooked dock
Finger points back at me,
Sagely saying, enough poetry for one day.

But the dock is always crooked jealous,
Unless I include him in my sunset poems
So now he is smiling, albeit crookedly.

Some of you have,
Spent a few minuets of your day
Writing/riding along with me on my
Fire engine hose of words dousing.

Water welled up at 3:56 when I
Asked for a miracle of my own,
After waking and reading your poems for hours.

Here I am scratchin out one last at bat,
After being
Mesmerized by your goodworks,
Wondering why, again, I try.

So now let us write a breakup stanza.

I'm breaking up with you,
Until earlier-than-dawn tomorrow,
Though I was but one of many of your
Lovers took and taken,
Now discarded, I won't take no
For answer.

My shirt shivers, my forelock whips,
The clouds have banked my sun,
The wind is stiff, brooking no weakness,
I am total alone, how to make you believe,
That letting go, is difficult, almost impossible.

Until when, when we kiss again,
The back of your neck is my map,
My tongue the bridge between us.

The difference is me
I am forever
I am never
I am a paradox
I am infinite
I am not
I am
Thus you can't
Thus you won't
Thus you will
Thus you aren't
AND I AM KING HERE
AND SHE WILL NEVER BE MY (queen)
Sour-sided-denotation
Keep quiet and maybe I'll let you go
Scratchin' till' ya' BLEED
Salmon tasted like lips of Lucifer
Lucifer growl
Show yer' teeth
Let em' know
My name is yours
Your name is mine
Universal federation of lack-luster-star-clusters
FREAK
I AM A FREAK
All of you freaks, geeks, ****-ups, n', poets
All of you nasty-anti-good-doin'-thieves, n, troublemakers
All of you down-to-earth-yet-out- of-this-world-semi-psuedo-sacrilegious-punks
I call to you to know me

By: Cedric McClester

When it comes to six-month-old baby Jim
Yo’ *** is clearly out on a limb
You are the one who fathered him
So you better be runnin to an ATM
What the hell did you expect
Having unprotected ***
It’s unjustified under any pretexts
But ******* are not intellects
Your DNA tells the tale
The moment that you slip or fail
To pay support you’ll go to jail
And you cannot afford the bail
So I’d pay up if I were you
The things you said were not true
If she’s a ** then what are you
Cos you went ******* riding too

Where does he find ‘em (I don’t know)
The guests seen on the Maury Show
When it comes to ... (oh **** here we go)
You are the father (***** don’t you know?)

The girl comes on and says she’s sure
But he calls her a **** and *****
Because they did it on the floor
And she has slept with countless more
Then she says Maury look at that baby
There’s no ifs, ands, buts or maybes
That’s his child (the one he gave me)
I can’t believe he’s gone and played me
Suspense is building on the set
The test results aren’t in yet
But he’s prepared to make a bet
And obviously she’s upset
Once the answer has been found
They both start jumpin up and down
Then she don’t wanna stick around
Her reputation’s in the ground

Where does he find ‘em (I don’t know)
The guests seen on the Maury Show
When it comes to ... (oh **** here we go)
You are the father (***** don’t you know?)

You’d think she’d be embarrassed, yo
But she’ll be back show after show
Claiming she just wants to know
Who’s her baby’s daddy – Oh!

Changing partner like a necklace
How can people be that reckless
She’s so gangsta she reflects this
I’ll be ****** (she’s got a checklist)
Scratchin off names (one by one)
She’s on page two and still not done
Guess you could say she’s had her fun
But she wasn’t the only one
Given all the STDs
That are out there (if you please)
They should be hogtied and seized
Or forced to bow down on their knees
I bet straight *** was not enough
They’ve probably done some other stuff
See tongue disease can be real rough

Where does he find ‘em (I don’t know)
The guests seen on the Maury Show
When it comes to ... (oh **** here we go)
You are the father (***** don’t you know?)

Look at those who’ve come and went
Though that wasn’t their intent
Most of ‘em can’t catch a hint
See they’re beyond embarrassment
All because they shook their fatties
At all of those potential daddies
None of whom wore Jimmy hatties
Now those mommas goin batty
Watch and pray that it’s not you
None of ‘em have a clue
Wouldn’t you have thought they knew
Who they’re giving their stuff to
But that would be too **** easy
Look at ‘em they sure look greasy
Some of ‘em are down right ******
And none of ‘em are built to please see

You’d think she’d be embarrassed, yo
But she’ll be back show after show
Claiming she just wants to know
Who’s her baby’s daddy – Oh!

Where does he find ‘em (I don’t know)
The guests seen on the Maury Show
When it comes to ... (oh **** here we go)
You are the father (***** don’t you know?)

When it comes to six-month-old baby Jim
Yo’ *** is clearly out on a limb
You are the one who fathered him
So you better be runnin to an ATM
What the hell did you expect
Having unprotected ***
It’s unjustified under any pretexts
But ******* are not intellects
Your DNA tells the tale
The moment that you slip or fail
To pay support you’ll go to jail
And you cannot afford the bail
So I’d pay up if I were you
The things you said were not true
If she’s a ** then what are you
Cos you went ******* riding too


(c) Copyright 2015, Cedric McClester.   All rights reserved.

I waz hip-hop since I b in mi mamas womb  
Spittin’ sum rhyme, will give u dat tune  
Yo, he spit da raw  
No need 2 prove anymore
I’m scratchin’ ‘bout, I’m bummy in a downtown shelter  
No use complaining ‘bout wat life I’ve been dealt, nah  

Hit em hard, every generation gotta do wat ya do  
Cuttin’ up fresh is da word, new kid on da block, could b u  
It’s how u survive in da hood  
No layin’ ‘bout, stand up like a real man should  
Don’t want 2 sleep on no choo choo train, no more  
Then get off ya RRRs, do sum thing like neva b4  
 
From da Juice Crew 2 Mr Magic, down in Boogie Down Bronx Queensbridge is da place 2 b near, it all interlocks  
More MCs drank da water drippin’ down from around here  
Than any udder crib, in da hole ******* world, ya hear  
So trekkin’ from youth, 2 B.ing @ 1520 Sedgwick Avenue  
I’m now livin’ in fcukin’ Wonderland, if only Alice really knew

My bones are really aching
and I think I have the flu
I need some cottony tissues
and some very hot chicken stew

But

don't you think for a minute
that Maw Maw's really sick
just cause Ima scratchin'
like a hound dog with a tick

Give me just a day or two
and I'll be good as gold
don't ever go and count me out
just because I'm old

This wasn’t the first time
daddy had asked Mary to come into his room,
but I was so surprised
that she called daddy by his first name
but I didn’t say a word.

That mad look in daddy’s eyes
shone as bright as those sprinkled stars
as he made his way beside the bed.

“Come now darlin’,
don’t make me beg for ya.
I need my wife tonight I can’t help it.”

His breath puffed out
in waves of sour miasmic *****
as he bent down low to kiss Mary on her head.

He stayed there
just seeming to breath in her hair for a moment.
Mary stayed stock still
in the bed rubbing my head
telling me it would alright.
I didn’t know what was happnin’.

“Can’t you see the girls are scared tonight?”
Her voice rattled horasly,
as if she was scared but she lay there firm.

Daddy looked around suddenly
as if tryin to find something lost.

“Where’s Kylie?” he asked
scratchin his head
as if that made him think better.

He peered into the dark,
his eyes squinted
a bit as he tried to see through the dark.

He shook his head
but I sat up and said
“right here daddy.”

I went up to touch his arm but Mary held me back.

“Don’t touch him.” She whispered to me,
then patting me on my arm until I quieted.

“I don’t know Don,” Mary said to him,
“Probably out like usual
lookin’ up at those stars again.
You know how she loves her stars.”

Daddy laughed again
then took Mary’s hand
pullin her up from the bed.

“Come on now Martha.”
He cooed kissin her on her hand.
“You’ve got to leave the girls to sleep on their own.”

Mary tried to resist but daddy only laughed lacing his fingers in hers.

I lay still that night,
Haley held tight on my arm cryin silently.
She was thirteen  
and kept whisperin over and over

that it wasn’t right what he did to her.

“Why are you cryin?” I asked her,
but she only told me to hush and close my eyes.

It must have been about an hour later
when I heard sounds commin from the other room.
The headboard was hitting against the wall
and daddy was grunting while Mary’s voice,
small was whimpering, almost cryin.

I lost myself a while back...
not quite sure where… and
the strange thing is
I didn’t even realize I was losin myself…
didn’t just look up one day… and
find myself gone…
lost myself a little bit at a time...
little bits of me...
miniscule soul-full particles...
slow leak...
‘til not only was I supremely empty
but the whole ****** world was
flat...
leavin me head scratchin and puzzled
cuz last time I looked I was there...
right there… where I left me...
so I had to find myself…
a tedious and sometimes dangerous task...
looked high… really really high
and found…  no self
looked low… way too low… and
thankfully… again no self...
looked places that I was sure that I had never been
where I sometimes, surprisedly, found pieces of myself
picked myself up… dusted myself off… held myself close as
gathering slowly myself… growin… into regeneration…
comin together realization…  that I
love
my
self… and
hope
to never again be.. as I once was… so full of myself…
only to just be full…
only to just be…

So intense listenin'
to CCR
in me headphones
sippin'
Olde English 800.
Brings back memories
of bein' 16
with Joy in me bed(room)
painted bright red, strobe light flickerin'
kissin'
and her
scratchin'
me back.

To my kids,
There is so much you do not understand in your skins. I could give you some kind of divine download, fill that thing between your ears with everything there is to know but then what choice would you have to live free as I intended you to live? I gave you the earth and everything in it. I created you in My image that you see with your eyes " male and female as partners " not slave and master, and that part of you inside that you don’t see, deep in you, its that part that knows Me, your soul and spirit. It’s that place we connect. I surrounded you with everything you needed. And before you freak out, all you vegans, I created the animals and I killed the first ones so you would be warm and covered when you chose to walk without Me covering you. Clothes were totally optional. You had Me, you picked heifer…still scratchin’ my imaginary beard over that one. You chose… Sure, I had angels in full body gear standing around " but I wanted you because I love you. I want your companionship. I want your intimacy. I don’t want your laundry list of “He’p me GAWT, but if it’s the only thing you can give, I won’t turn you away. If only I could get past your religion, your doctrine, your fears where you could believe Me, all the crap you put each other through would simply be unimportant. Some of you scurry around and scream about me and my Old Testament, bad ***, flood the planet judgment and you totally skip the part about how I sent someone to you, just like you, a real human with real blood and real tears to stand in for all the stupid stuff you’ll ever do or have done. It was so simple, one death, one sacrifice and we’re all clean but you have to work it and manipulated it and qualify it until denominations and gurus and Oprah and Chopra have your minds so twisted you couldn’t see Me for who I Am if I sat on a unicorn, clothed myself in grape leaves, and led the Macy’s Parade. Don’t you get it? I’m not mad at you. I don’t hate you. I am Love and I am incapable of hating you. EVER. All I ever wanted is for you to simply love Me back. You gotta trust Me. You can’t look at earthquakes and floods and famine and the rise and fall of the dollar bill as punishment from Me. All this stuff is temporary, except you, and Me. We are Forever. This planet isn’t your Paradise, kids. It’s just your training ground. I have amazing plans for you. And the sooner you grasp that, the sooner you stop swallowing the pills and the cheap thrills and stressing over the bills, and wringing your hands over “My will” the better off you’ll be. Oh, and as long as I’m monologuing, get off the backs of my worshippers. I’m perfect. You aren’t. I’d rather have you getting together in my name and singing and dancing, Kids your praise, when you just abandon your petty egos and party before me, it makes my heart swell with all the pride a Father could have. I’d rather see you do that " with the mistakes and the fussing " than each one of you alone under a tree somewhere barking about our “relationship” or watching the church channel 24/7 and calling it “comin’ ta Jeezus. I created you to work together in my name. Don’t freak out so much about the name of the building or the color of the wafers, or the drums and piercings. I will know if you love me. Quit running, quit hiding, quit comparing yourself to somebody else, quit blaming everyone else for your own mistakes when you never ask me to help you deal… Quit asking me to “fix somebody else” because if they like the thought of being critter fritters for eternity then that’s their choice to make, not yours. I do not impede on your free will. I won’t impede on anyone else’s free will. You can’t earn it. I don’t give out gold stars for good behavior. You either respond in love, or you don’t. The only thing I crave is that you get it, really get it. I love you. Always have, always will. You can’t do anything, you can’t **** enough, you can’t lie enough, you can’t destroy enough, you can go straight to Hell if you want, but I am everywhere…even in Hell…I’m with you. Of course, it will be your choice if you want to refrain, you know? See? Once you lock in your answer, you don’t get to phone a friend…You have a choice even I don’t have, me the almighty, the limitless with a limitation…you can choose to love…For me? It’s not an option…because I AM LOVE.

Your Abba....

If I could only
grasp the wind,
then I would know
how freedom feels -

And if I could
know you once again,
it'd take these
blisters off my heels.

For now, I'm lonely -
scratchin' skin
beneath the rags
of where I've been.

Staying outside
my broken mind -
too afraid
of looking in.

Dissociate
To deprecate defile reality uncertain
Drawn are curtains using l
Of mental metal mass produced perception broken compass lipblocked direction affection anntenaes through
Hippocampus can't this be a repeat
Record second scratchin me raw
Hit delete

Noxious talking called small
Bout the weather
I'm no flying machine
Stuck on cloud nine with desentzied time
Sundialing for conversation catch 22

Feeling cotton candy
Lack of oxygen
In-house run house round me
Living post patriarchal society

I have thrown away our powers
Joining with Trump's followers
Poured the country down the drain
Now my head I am scratchin'
Cuz this Trump keeps ***** Hatchin'
And I fear he won’t refrain

He has made the U.S. brittle
Played us like a fiddle
And why? I can’t explain
All these thoughts I am thinkin'
I just might well take up drinkin’
If it would only ease the pain

Oh, why is Trump our guy?!
He’s a racist that’s fer shore
He just Tweets these things then says them by the score
And then he tweets and bleets some more

I wish I were a Ruffin'
To stand up to Trump’s puffin'
But I don’t see how I'd gain
I’d be the POTUS 2020
If Repubs still have a Party
And I have not gone insane

the room is upside down and with it im going down too
like being high but instead of happiness depression comes like a dementor
im scratchin my face but I cant scream only crawl in my skin that feels like its not mine
I want to end my life
with a knife
to get rid of this horror that my life has become

loneliness eats me up and i cant go out because they are looking, they are everywhere,
but noone is my friend, only ghost faces and stares who think they know what they see
while im the ghastliest ghost of all whose flesh is just a carrier now
my face is just a ****** up drawing of a 5 year old
i dont want anyone to see because they cant even guess
why the wrinkles are there, it’s the screaming
why the fear is shaking, the agony

i want to smash and shout but im still afraid of being heard while not being heard at all
i don’t know how to tell you either because this monster is now me
it doesn’t talk to me anymore like schizophrenia
it is my whole reality now and there is no distinguishing
threw my phone in the corner and broke its screen
a friendly reminder of the absent of what occupied me

powercut in reality becomes the powercut in my brain
cuts out the tales that occupy my brain
music is weird shouting
fhe fan is whirling with me in this unreal reality
i don’t want to make sense anymore because no one does

with every death i feel less
my cheeks burn from my clawing
shaken by feverish fear
i wanna throw up
it is in my gut
its my cancer
the tumor of the nonsense
pain is my muse but i would rather be “normal”
where are the traffic signs
i don’t have a gps…

Your tongue cut me,
The exit broke me,
I’m smiling hard,
Trying not to is harder.

New flat, new clothes,
Same mood, same toes.
I know that I’m looking at my feet!
Everyone knows I can’t face the street.

The pity party has started.
Marriage vows discarded.
Moving on is great
If you’re the one moving.

I wonder why?
Did we even try?
To fix the hole before it got that big.

A super massive black dog hole.
Big enough to drown in,
Big enough to frown in.
Far too big to live in.

The one thing I know for sure is,
These cuts are not going to heal at all,
If I don’t stop scratchin’

If I could only
grasp the wind,
perhaps I'd know
how freedom feels..
And to find it
once again
would take the blisters
off my heels..
For now, I'm lonely -
scratchin' skin
beneath the rags of
where I've been..
Tiptoeing around
a broken mind -
afraid of falling in..

If I could only catch
my breath, perhaps
I'd make my
way back home
And if I could find
you waiting there,
then I'd never
have to roam
For now, I'm tired,
but I keep walking
in search of what
I left behind -
hoping it didn't die
somewhere inside  
my broken mind