The darkness came over her at a very young age.
The age where a child should be happy… be free.
For she was no longer free, set in chains like a slave.
She told no one, how could she tell anyone?
Which became the chains of slavery  that little girl bore.
She longed, she dreamed to be free.
But held on knowing that it was the only thing keeping her alive.
But as months grew into years, as she became older,
the hope drained from her once green eyes.
There was no more hope.
She knew she wouldn't seem again, only in her haunted nightmares would she see his cold, lifeless body searching for someone to hold onto…
Something like her.
She cried.
She screamed.
Those chains kept her from innocence.
Those chains broke her, she couldn't be strong anymore.
Those chains kept her from love, kept her from trust.
She lay convinced that no one could help her, understand her, love her.
She couldn't see Me.
I understood what she was going through.
I loved her more than anyone ever could.
I tried to help but the grudge she had only kept Me away.
I knew she was angry with Me for taking her father away from what she thought was too soon…
She didn't know I took him up here.
With Me.
She only knew that I took him from her.
That's why she fought,
Why she hid.
She put on those chains hoping they would comfort her.
Too soon figure out that they made her feel worse.
Isolated. And alone.
She just didn't know that she would see him again very soon.
She didn't know those chains were drowning her in a life she didn't want.
I cried for her.
My beautiful child who just didn't yet understand.
She just didn't know how much she was loved.
Then finally she broke.
As I stood behind her ready to catch her broken soul,
I whispered into her ear, “I love you.”
Then out of the chains and into my arms she fell.

I am a people pleaser.
My goal in life is to fit in the boxes people want me to fit in.
When I disappoint someone that I have tried to morph to satisfy.
I cry.
Why do I care so much about what other people think?
Because without all those people in my life,
I would be all alone.

Every day I sigh with a whisper.
“One day closer.”
I don’t know what I get closer too.
But when I have it I’ll sigh with relief  and instead whisper to myself.
“Finally.”

I've had an eating disorder since I was 13 years old.
I ate and ate to fill the void I had, the intense abandonment and anxiety issues I was dealing with.
Then I came out the other side and I would take so many weight loss pills to make me sick and I took so many laxatives to make me have to run to the bathroom every hour.
I restricted my eating, counted my calories and I would go on 72-hour fasts.
Then something happened, I went on a mission trip and I was forced to eat food. I was forced to like what I was eating and I liked it.
Eating wasn't so bad. I wasn't eating myself sick and I wasn't starving myself to insanity.
When I got back I had gained almost all the weight I had lost and I was so upset.
But I didn't have it in me to continue to starve myself again.
I've gained a lot of weight but I don't care anymore. Now I just want to be healthy and love myself regardless of what I look like.
And you should too.

They say that every 7-10 years your body is completely renewed.

How refreshing is it to know that the body I have now was never touched by your hands?

Dear 12 year old self,

don't believe him when he says that he'll never leave again.

don't believe him when he says he'll be back in six months.

don't believe him when he says that you didn't love him anyways.

don't even think for a moment, that he is good enough to be apart of your life.

Just don't, never, ever again.
                                                                                                    Love,
                                                                            your 19 year old self

“You have the ocean in your eyes.” He whispered softly.
She smiled and shook her head.
“I see the calm drift of the sea, the violent, deadly raged of the ocean. And the longing to be drawn close to someone you can never have, but I see beauty the most. I want to sail forever in your ocean.”

I am thankful for what you taught me.

I am thankful for the pain making me stronger.

So thanks I guess for what you did.

Because I won.

:)

You fell to the bottom of the sea,
You expected me to save you.
I told you I couldn’t.
Sometimes you do everything for someone and it's still not enough.
I didn't want to drown trying to save you because I knew,
That we would have both ended up dead.
At the bottom of the sea.

I never thought that I would meet someone like you.
Someone so infuriating, frustrating, and annoying.
Someone that makes me want to pull out my hair and slam doors.
Someone that can make me cry with just one word.

I never thought I would meet someone like you.
Someone that rubs my back while I’m falling asleep.
Someone that literally sweeps me off my feet.
Someone that loves to run his fingers through my hair while I tell him about my day.
Someone who opens the doors that I slam just to make sure we don’t go to bed angry.
Someone who wipes my tears away when I told him about how I lost my best friend.

“You might have lost all of them,” he says to me one sad night. “But you will never lose me.”

It is okay for me to get excited about seeing you.

I'm not obsessed.

I am simply in love.



Don't you feel the same?

You, my love, have the stars in your eyes.
You're a dreamer,
A fighter,
A warrior.
You have been through hell and back,
Yet you speak with so much grace
Your smile alone makes flowers bloom.
You make the stars shine.

I turn 20 in a couple days...
I remember hearing about what you did to my mom when she was 20.
How you took advantage,
How you decided her future for her.
She was probably so hopeful and full of life...
Then you came in and knocked her up.
Told her she wasn’t worth it.
Promised her that you would treat the baby as horrible as you treated her.
You claimed she and I ruined your life.
You were “so young”.
She was only 20.
If anything you ruined her life.
With me,
With the memory of you.
If you look at me, would you have justified what you did to her at only 20 years old?

I am slowly coming to peace with who I am.
And with what happened to me.
I still feel sad.
I still feel anxious.
Anxiety loves to sneak back in and push me around.
But I'm trying to stay positive.
Trying to keep an open mind.
I know the sun will rise tomorrow,
and I know that I will be okay.

My world is beginning to shake again.
The ground is starting to crack,
The houses I built are starting to crumble.
I spent so much time fixing my houses,
Planting flowers in the ground to make it look presentable.
Flawless.
Perfect.
And again, I am starting to break
All over again.

How do you know when you are in love?
Is it when you are giggling your heads off at 12:30 over a bagel?
Is it when you haven't seen each other for a week and you can't keep your hands off each other?
Is it the way he looks at you when you are rambling on about your passions?
Is it where you two are snuggled tightly together after a long day?
Is it when you thank God for this beautiful person every second you are with him?
How do you know when you're in love?
It is when your future is in one person.

You aren't here anymore
and it's tearing me apart.
You were the one who showed me my wings,
you gave me reasons to keep going.
You told me to keep writing.
So I will write for you.
Thank you
for showing me that I am worth saving.

They always say, “Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.”

Well, what if my mountain looks like a mole hill to you?

Life always brings in the unexpected.
The unexpected blessings and unexpected curses.
Sometimes they come in the same form.
That's why they call it a blessing and a curse.
They even disguise themselves as the other.
“A blessing in disguise.” or “I knew that was too good to be true.”
And that’s what you were, unexpected, at first a blessing,
But now I’m not really sure.
Because the smile on my face calls you a blessing.
But my underwear on the floor that was taken off by your hands calls you a curse.
So maybe you are both, you are two things in one form.
I can learn to love both sides of you.

Don't you see?
She's trying to please
everyone around her.
She doesn't want to lose
The people she loves.
Pleasing everyone is hard, being perfect is harder.
She doesn't want to lose everyone .
Yet she doesn't know that she is losing herself in the process.
And she is almost long, long gone.

Sometimes I look at you. And you actually smile.
You smile like you don't know me.
Like you never broke my already shattered heart.
Sometimes, you laugh at the things I say. genuinely giggle.
Like you never stole my laughter,
And didn't give it back until weeks after.
But I knew that you were a train going full speed towards a cliff.
Why did I get so attached?
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I smiled back.
Sometimes I wonder what you think of me years later.
I don't think about you.
Yet I decided to write this. About you. About us.
Sometimes I wonder if you hadn't broken my heart with five little words.
Sometimes I wonder if you had said to me,
"I love you."
Instead of,
"I'm sorry, I love her."

It comes in waves now.
It's funny the kind of things that trigger it.
A certain word
A certain place
A certain smell.
Then it all comes flooding back in and you go back to that moment
You think of the things you should have done differently
If only you had known what would happen.
"If I had known I could have stopped it." You say in your mind.

But you have to remember that these things happen for a reason and what happened was not your fault and getting past it has made you the amazing person you are today.

It'll all be okay.

Hey, it’s been a while.
Truth is I’ve been lost...
I’m still lost. But I’m getting to where I need to be.
I can feel it.
Just be patient with me, while I find the person I’m meant to be.

Maybe I always try to reach out because
I still have a thread of hope that you’ll be there.
And that you’ve changed.
But your not.
And you don’t.
And I don’t think you ever will.

Let me tell you a story of a girl.
One who was broken and bruised.
A girl who lost hope and didn't know if it even existed.
She came to this world by an accident,
Loved by her mother but forgotten by her father.
She grew up lonely waiting for a prince to come save her.
She dreamed of a father who would have tea parties with her.
She dreamed of one that wouldn't just help her with her math homework,
But would take her to a daddy-daughter dance and let her dance on his shoes.
She was lonely enough to make up stories her mind, get lost in books, and play with her imaginary friends.
She was the type of girl who felt so deeply, to the point of getting hurt.
You can imagine a little girl watching Madeline in a guest bed before going to sleep.
But what you can't imagine is what will happen next.
A man coming into her room and taking her innocence away from her.
She remained lonely and confused about men.
Whether they could be trusted or not.
She decided they couldn’t.
Even now she cannot say the words out loud.
The word that starts with “M” with "R"...
Makes her shake, brings her back to that dark room.
To that moment he touched her.
To that second that changed her life.
She’s getting better.
But that memory haunts her.
The feeling of him makes her tear up.
But one thing he did not take away from her is her spark.
She still can make a room light up by walking into it.
And when she’s ready,
She’ll make her voice loud.
Loud enough for the very back row.
Her story is not over yet.

"Someday, I'll be treated like a grown-up."
"Someday, we'll be married."
"Someday, I'll finally have it all."
But, what is this "Someday" everybody talks about?
Longs for?
Waits and prays for?
Does "Someday" even exist?
Why not live for now?
Live for today, not someday.
Maybe to human race just made it up to give themselves hope.
And a goal... Something to live for.
But what happens if "Someday" really comes?
What will happen after that?
What's next?
Has any person lived long enough to tell the tale of this "Someday"?
And if anyone has, will they be so kind as to tell me when?

If I spoke to you again would I have the courage to tell you the truth?

Would I be able to yell at you like you deserve and actually hear me? Would you apologize for everything you did and didn't do?

Or would you have a stubborn heart and refuse to see my side of things?

I hope that one day we can meet again and I can call you out on everything truth you made a lie and every promise you broke and maybe.

Just maybe I can stop writing about you and write about something that matters.