You are a perfectly jumbled up mess.
One that hurts
Laughs
Cries
And rejoices.
You are not made for perfection.
You are made to feel.
And that in itself is pretty **** beautiful.

Something I will always look forward to is holding your hand when its old and wrinkly
And when I look up I see the same young eyes I met so many years ago wrapped around in the roadmap of where life took us upon your face.
How the hair I ran my fingers through is now wispy and white.

Something I look forward to is seeing our children grow from needing us all the time to not needing us at all.
I cannot wait to see your smile bordered up with my eyes in a little person we created out of love.

Beyond all, I will look forward to the day we stand in front of all our friends and family and say I do.

But right now I will hold your hand, I will run my fingers through your hair and I will be thankful that I have your heart and you have mine.
And we will wait until that day because it will be so worth it.

I didn’t know that you needed help too.
Maybe if I knew then then things would be different.
But the thing is, I still needed you.
I needed you to be strong.
To tell me it was it all going to be okay.
That I would fall, break, get up, and climb again.
I wanted you to tell me that I didn’t have to suffer in silence.
But I suffered. And I stayed silent.
I might be strong but I would have rathered had a friend.

You have been through quite a lot. I have put you through quite a lot, and I wanted to say I’m sorry. You did not deserve what I put you through, yet you still remain strong which amazes me. I’m sorry for all the hurt I put on you, the sleepless nights, biting my lips until they bled, the countless meals I made you skip, and the amount of food I shoved into you. You cried out for me to stop but I didn't listen, I was trying so hard to find my voice and I wasn’t willing to listen to you.
    I put you aside after he touched you where he wasn't supposed too. Everything reminded me of those nights, when I was all alone, with no one to save me. I resented you because you looked so much like him and I wanted nothing to do with it. But that wasn’t your fault and it was nothing I could control. I am sorry for not giving you a chance.
    My body, you are beautiful, not too fat. You are strong, not too weak, and you have overcome such horrible things. I’m sorry I didn't feed you when you were hungry and when I kept feeding you when you had too much to eat. I’m sorry for giving you away so quickly to a boy I hardly even knew. I'm sorry for straightening my hair enough to burn it to make it look like everybody else’s, and not like his. I’m sorry for covering you up with so much makeup so I didn't have to see the same cheeky smile he has. And I'm sorry I never gave my nails a break from constant nail polish, cutting, and sanding down so my hands looked nothing like his. He broke me and I punished you for it, because you look so much like the bad guy in my dreams. And to my heart and brain, I’m sorry for not giving you the time to process the feelings, I'm sorry for not giving you the opportunity to rest and heal from it all. Instead I worked you too hard and let people walk all over us to not cause anymore chaos. There was an earthquake inside of me for so long and now what's left are beautiful mountains that I intend to climb, and hike, and enjoy the journey and reminisce on all the things that got me to where I am. Now I'll get to enjoy the view.
    I will make a change to listen to you, and let you have a voice. Now I will give you the best of what you deserve and never settle for anything less. I thank God for you and I only hope that with time I will learn to love you as much my God does, and as much as my husband does. Because you are worthy of this love. And I can't wait to love you harder.

With love,
Me.

“You.” She said with tears in her eyes and exhaustion in her tone.
And even though she only said one word
I knew
That it carried the whole weight of the world.

My soul aches for a time when you will apologize.
You are a poem I have written over and over.
I want to stop writing about ghosts and shadows.

I want to write about the sun,
I want to write something you will sob over.
I want you to ache as much as I have.
I want you to write me down as something beautiful,
as your biggest regret.

I want to take it,
I want to mass produce it,
I want to hang it on the fridge,
I want to tattoo it on my face,
I want to make you realize that narcissists are nothing but slugs,
and you, were the king.

The way you left broke me.

But you have forgotten that I am a phenix

And I will rise out of the ashes from the fire you caused.

Only to be stronger than I was before.

She dreamed that anything could happen.
She thought the world had magic.
That the stars really do grant wishes.
She knew for a fact that the brightest star led to Neverland.
And that somewhere deep under the sea mermaids lived.
She prayed every night that she could wake up with a mermaid tail.
That Peter Pan would take her away where no one leaves her.
She wanted a prince to save her from an eternal slumber with just one kiss.

But they told her that she needed to grow up.
They told her that stars were just ***** of fire in the sky.
They said that the bright star was a planet and thinking it was Neverland was nieve.
That mermaids weren't real because it wasn't a realistic thought.
And wanting Peter Pan to take her away was just plain stupid.
And princes don't exist anymore.

They broke her to fit into society's mold.
Dreaming was just for people who were already famous.
Thinking like that would just let her down in the end.
They broke her heart.
"Society doesn't have room for people like you," They told her.

She no longer wishes on stars.
She knows that mermaids aren't real.
She is certain that if Neverland was real Peter Pan would never come for someone who no longer believes in the magic of this world.

But everyone has to grow up sometime right?

So I ask.
Please do not wait for me.
Because while  you will be stuck in the game that it is
I will be free, moving, and experiencing new things.
I do not want you to be so consumed with hope that when it fails you it also destroys you.
Trust me. I have waited.
And I have been crushed by the entity of time with no hope of return.
I am just finding my way back.
And I won't let that cycle reach you too.

like i will never forget the smell of your skin...
never forget the presence of my soul...

What you mean by this is I will be here


for you when it is convenient for me.

Having a big heart isn’t a downfall.
Because even though you get ******* over more than others at least you are there for them in the first place.
It means you are stronger than them because of all the times they broke and bruised your heart.
So think that having a big heart and feeling a lot is bad because it means you feel more.
You are made of stardust and you are worth every drop of it.

"Remember?" She said.

"When you were that small?" As she holds up a photo of you dressed like a fairy for Halloween at 4 years old.

You nod and smile but you don't remember a thing about that night.

The things you remember are not like that.

You remember nightmares you thought were real that wouldn't allow you to sleep without a nightlight to keep the monsters out of your room at night.

You start to remember the way he touched you telling you its a special way that he loves you.

You remember bathing next to your baby sister and not getting a second bath when she peed, or worse in the tub because your parents couldn't afford that much for water.

You remember going on three-hour walks with your anorexic mom who was fading away into skin stretched around bone.

You remember promising yourself that you never want to be that thin.

You remember breaking that promise the first time you threw up that meal.

You remember breaking, and how you are breaking again and again.

In the days when she felt lonely
When she didn’t see the point.
She was reminded to look up at the sun
So the light would hurt her eyes.
And she would remember that she was alive.
The pain was there for a reason.
That’s what kept her going.

I’ve prayed for him to come back,
But coming back wasn’t part of the plan.
I’ve prayed for the cancer to go away,
But the cancer’s plan is to stay.
I’ve prayed for some understanding,
But was too confused to see the point.
I don’t know why things happen
But they do.
I’ve prayed for you to hear me,
But you covered your ears to ignore me.
I don’t have a clue about what is going on,
But I know that there is a plan.  
So I’ll sit tight with my legs crossed,
Maybe someday all these things,
Will have to mean something?