I've been dragged away
from the edge of the water,
even though I wanted to jump right in

I'd been only swimming
in the shallow corners,
almost learned to let go
and give in

Give in to the waves
let them pull me further from the shore
Give in to the tide,
hear the ocean roar

But something happened then
and I lost my sight of how and when
For a minute I closed my eyes,
thought I was lost at sea,
but when I looked around
there was no water to be seen

Just like someone
came and took my hand
and pulled me far away
off to dry lands

Felt like memory loss,
tried but couldn't remember
why my feet were still so wet
when I was in the centre
of the forest splendour

And sometimes I recall
the memories of the time
when I almost had it all

I was getting so close,
could barely believe
that I had found the purpose of my reality

But not everything works out
Lost sight of my true silhouette
My head has been dry for so long,
but my feet are still wet

Out of place
Out of my mind
Lost in the woods
Lost track of time
Take me back
Now I recall
why my feet are still wet
I can still have it all

I'll drag myself back
to the edge of the water
and jump right in like I was meant to

I'll be swimming away
into the deep end
Giving in to the waves
Giving in to the tide
Giving in to the voices that I've kept inside

My feet are still wet
and now I know why

I didn't change for me.
I didn't change for you.
I changed because I had to.
But the one thing I could never change
Is who I am inside.
Because who I am is too important
to leave behind

Drowning in this judgemental sea
Why can't I be just who I want to be?
Their judging fingers pointing at me
I desire to be free
Why can't I be me?

I am Max.

I can not be simply imagined

Many will create a character in their mind of what I must be like

None will get this character right

Because I am not a simple thought

I am not what you want me to be

Trust me I’ve tried before

I am not that cool, has it together punk

I am not that smart, likeable shy alt kid

I am not your next conquest or partner

I am not your next interest or crush

I am not the one you fall in love with

I’m the ***** that will break your heart

That teaches you not all love is right

I am the heartache you get when you think of love

I am the ******* tears in your eyes when someone says “I love you” back

I am the mistake you’ll make

I’m the drug you’ll want time and time again

But I do not come back to break people

I will break you once and myself many times

I’m the one you’ll scream and yell at when it’s over

I’m the one you’ll block and never unblock

I am the mistake you’ll make time and time again

But the truth is that I’ll never be right for you or anyone

For I am a phase that some may have

But I am also the whisper in the wind that comes once, never twice

I am Max.

Watch out
Because I’m a writer
with a sharp tongue and poisonous ink
I’m a lighting bolt
Striking in the distance
Breathtaking
As it glides across the sky
But deadly when you get too close
I’m a fire
Burning with dominion
Crackling with mesmeric charm
Setting ablaze any cruelty or dishonesty
thrown into my flames

Watch out
Because I’m a rose
Flourishing in innocent beauty
But ready to puncture
Anyone who holds me the wrong way
I’m the ocean
Swaying with peaceful serenity
But swimming with unknown dangers

Watch out
Because I’m a fighter
Who has swallowed blood countless times
Continuing to defend herself
Through endless punches
Tired of holding everything in
And letting it slide

Watch out
Because I’m a storm
You don’t want to mess with
Because my strength
Comes from moments of weakness
When I physically couldn’t take anymore

I am resilient because of all the times I felt broken

Watch out
Because I am done hurting
I am done letting the pain control me
I am done letting my past determine the future
And I am done letting my anxiety define me

Watch out
Because I am so much more

I have not given up on love,
But how I love unsettles many,
The girl I am scares most.

I am the girl who can love someone after a couple days.
I am the girl who can love more than one at a time.
I am the girl who shows more love than some have ever received.
I am the girl who jumps back and forth, because this world is taught monogamy is the only way.
I am the girl who loves those that people think I should not.
I am the girl who makes people jealous by accident, because I give out so much affection.
I am the girl who has hurt people with my love.
I am the girl who holds onto love even if it's toxic.
I am the girl who chases love.
I am the girl who wants to make everyone feel loved.
I am the girl who wants forever with everyone I love.
I am the girl who will give everything to everyone.
I am the girl who is reckless when it comes to her heart.
I am the girl who makes promises about love.
I am the girl who breaks her own heart, but keeps on loving anyways.
I am the girl whose heart people want all to themselves, but that, I can rarely provide.
I am the girl that people want in their bed, but I don't understand why.
I am the girl that isn't safe with her heart.
I am the girl that freely gives her heart away.

Is it safe,
To be this way?
It's likely that it is not,
But I say risks were made to take.

I am made of my brothers twisting grip,
as we grapple on the living room floor.
I am made up of saying uncle,
and laughing so hard at the dinner table that milk comes out of my noise.
I am made up of slobbering dog kisses, loving kitten purrs, and injured strays.
I am made up scrambling through bushes, slipping in dirt, and mudded shoes.
Of wild hair, wild eyes, and a wild grin.

I am made up of road trips and sunny days.
Of pool parties and family gathering where laughter is the only thing that echo’s through you’re ears.

I am made up of countless flues and colds that kept me homesick.
Of ditching school with my best friends to go to Disney land,
Of every Friday night being girl’s night for 3 years.

I am made up of heart break for lost love and lost friends.

I am made up of travel and moving away
I am made of studying in Australia,
Of my Danish and Dutch friends that I chose to make my family.

I am made up of smiling faces as I walk to school,
Of ravens over head, and redwoods straight in front.
I am made of scratched arms and bruised legs
Of callused hands and burning muscles.

I am made of a drive for adventure and new experiences
Of an aggressive spirit
And a curious mind.

I am made of freedom,
Of courage
Hope,
Happiness,
Sorrow,
Loss,
Heartbreak.
Of love
Eccentricity
And a warriors spirit.
I am made up of my memories, of the people I have met, and of the experiences that will never stop.
-ALC February 23, 2019

I am not what you have made out of me in your head at 2 am when you were thinking about the very specific way I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not a fact that states that I'm a very expressive person. Trust me when I say you don't want to know how I would express my thoughts of you, so don't try to define my lines when they aren't very clear, not even to me.