If you gave me
These pictures
To remember you by

I've already threw them away

If you truly loved me
You'd be with me

Today

But because you think these gifts
Can replace
What you've stolen from my heart
Don't be surprised
When I leave you behind today

If you truly love me
Come back to me

One day

Oh darling, you don't matter,
Because you aren't even there.
And love, you don't matter,
Because no one cares.
But sweetheart you don't matter,
So what keeps you here?
Why can't you just wake up
And stop time.
Vanish.
Disappear.
Go invisible.
Just like you always were.
But in a more permanent way.
Dear darling, you don't matter
Because you aren't even there.

The space inbetween
Our ******
And your sleep
Is my favorite
Because I can pretend
That for once
You love me

Is it wrong that I wish somebody would take time our of their day to notice me?
Is it wrong that I wish someone would CARE that I exist?
Is it wrong that I want to be loved by someone who isn't related to me and is a boy?
Is it wrong that I am so selfish that all I think about is receiving love from someone else?

I'm such a despicable human being because I want a boy to love or at least like me so badly and I don't appreciate those that DO love me already it's just that I really want love right now.
Is it wrong to want that?

Is it wrong that I feel like every poem, story, letter, grocery list for God's sakes that I write feels unnoticed and uncared about and lost?
Like a shout into silence with no one around to hear it?
I feel like I write and no one reads
I speak and no one listens
I scream and everybody pretends not to hear
I love
AND NO BODY LOVES ME BACK
It would just be so nice if someone sacrificed a little of their time
to notice that I exist
and that I have a voice
but I really don't feel worthy of that
and this pathetic self-pitying point I'm at
is a low point for me
I'd be too ashamed to say it out loud that I feel unloved
that I am so selfish and self-pitying
but I gotta write it
to get it out of my system
this lonely unwanted unnoticed feeling
like I don't exist
like no one cares what I have to say
Is it wrong?

I drank because it was a little less toxic
Than the sensation of drowning
Swaying to the music I could forget
The waves pulling me under for a moment

I searched for comfort
Among cold, hallow people
Bones had never shown love
And that didn't change

I was left to my pernicious thoughts
Little girls shouldn't be morbid
But women aren't made of love
Though it is a common misconception

As I laid in his arms after the passion,
I placed my head on his chest,
the silence was deafening,
for his heart did not beat for me....

'                                              You Can always tell
                                            When His heart is going astray.
                                        You'll losE his compassion when he talks.
                                 You'll notice A hint of guilt in his walk.
                                        The time Together will feel hallow.
                       Your gut will start Eting away at your thoughts.
                       Maybe it's just youR self consciousness showing through.
It's hard to believe that when he Stops replying "I love you".
*-dh

it hurts
to know
   that you    
                          will never
                             look at me
                           the way
                                i look at
                              *you

August- Tuesday 4
It's been 2 days since we last talked.
It's been 2 days since our last kiss.. oh I still remember it like it was seconds ago. I can still feel your lips glued to mine, our laugh making our teeth crash, I still have the taste of your lips on the back of my mind.

August -Thursday 6
The day you broke your promises and made me cry.
The day you threw the memories away.
The day I wanted to be able to hate you rather than miss you.
The day I realize I couldn't stop loving you.

October- Thursday 2
It's been two months since you sent me that goodbye letter, you were not man enough to tell me face to face what you had done.
You became into the person you said you would never be.
You said you wouldn't and you ******* did.
The day I realized that even hating you, I still miss you.

October- Saturday 18*
October 18th. The first day I saw your lips, your ******* lips on hers. The first **** day I saw you touching her. The first day I saw you laughing with her, like you never did with me. The first day I started questioning myself *who the hell was I to you?
You answered that question when you looked at me and your eyes didn't had that special something they had before, you didn't looked at me the way you used to, God it feels so long ago, they didn't had that passion they had before. They now look lost in pain and confusion.
That day I realized I needed to answer that question myself.
I was nothing to you.


-J