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ivan 4h
that dog
the one that bites
don’t get close to it
or it’ll bite you too


‘it bit me’
the blood is still warm,
dripping from hands that shook
but no one dared to look.

‘why doesn’t someone help me?’
that ******* dog
wait, it’s not a dog!
ivan 11h
the reality the world
do you really wanna know?
curious boy
will die easily




YOURE SICK




okay, curious one
now hear gunshots
blood spatting
is it good yet?

no, you wanna see it yourself
the good friend holds a a sign
‘wanna see a dead body?’
eyes rolled back
this is what you lack


YOURE SICK
YOURE SICK
YOURE SICK
YOURE SICK
this addiction is so hard
Caesar 1d
Shout
Scream
Pout and doubt
Beg and kneel and promise me it’ll change
From ages four and up and till I reached the 7th grade my life was a walking minefield
Dodging and  weeving around bullets
Thoughts bullets weren’t for me though
Yet they still grazed me
Scared me with the echo ringing through the battle field that was supposed to be my home
For the first I knew what it felt like to be scared
For the first time I went to sleep doubting why I was here
For the first time I heard you shout
You were supposed to be a gentle man
Not exactly a father but a step down
Guess that’s why they call them step fathers
But to my brothers whom were but your sons
The one you beated,
hit,
yelled at,
And I watched
Hearing him cry in pain
He was 16 yet scared of him as much as I am of you
I realized for the first time you weren’t what I thought
You were a haunting thought
Each threat and shout and door you left dented
Time spent in hotels rather than in the safety of my bed
Every time you called the police
And the threat to take away my only home
Guess it wasn’t my only home
Second
But it was second to best with you
You see
you treated me with gentleness
A kindness I’ll never forget
And today I still like to think of you as that man
The man before you turned into you
But you aren’t that man
You are what you are
A angry man
Drunken and confused
And oh so painfully sweet
I miss when I was three
Of dear god I wish it were me
I wish it were me you hit
It was me you shouted and yelled at
Cause god I’d have a reason to hate you If you did
Because I’m still painfully attached to you, even in the end.
This is based off some of not a whole lot of situations that played out through the ages 5 to 13 of my childhood. Please don’t judge if it’s poorly writen
I have traversed untamed landscapes,
Where each step became a dialogue with the earth—
A delicate negotiation of trust and healing.
Roots intertwined with silent, profound stories,
Grounding me in resilience,
Stories of my ****** assault are now embedded in the soil.

Rocks stood silent, bearing witness to the relentless bullying and gaslighting.
Their stillness echoed the weight of those memories and the growth that followed—
Unyielding yet steady, much like the strength I built with every step.

In this journey, I grappled with self-discovery,
Navigating the boundaries of my being,
Especially as an autistic soul in a world that often misunderstood me.
Each struggle revealed new layers of my identity,
As I sought to understand my place amidst the noise.

The weight of expectations felt heavy,
But I learned to carve out spaces where I could breathe.
My peace was no gentle stream;
It was a summit earned through struggle—
Vast, unyielding, and hard-won.

As I ascended this demanding peak,
The view stretched far beyond the horizon,
Revealing landscapes of healing,
Belonging to all who had climbed beside me.
From this vantage point, I saw how our journeys intersected,
Each of us is a testament to perseverance.

I welcomed others not for comfort,
But for their courage,
Those willing to face the rough terrain,
Understanding that climbing meant shouldering the weight
And sharing breaths.

Belonging was not a destination;
It was a connection—a living, breathing understanding.
Our paths twisted and turned,
Yet they ran parallel, rooted in the same soil
Of shared struggle and triumph.

What I learned was this:
We do not belong by walking the same path,
But by the act of walking itself.
By moving, by simply being,
We claimed our place in the world.

Once, I sought familiar steps but found only uncharted terrain.
Now, every trail I walk becomes a bridge to cross.
And with each step, the earth beneath me whispers:
I am not alone.
This powerful poem explores the journey of healing and self-discovery through the metaphor of navigating untamed landscapes. It reflects on the impact of trauma—specifically ****** assault and bullying—on identity, particularly from the perspective of an autistic individual. The imagery of roots and rocks symbolizes resilience and the shared weight of experiences, highlighting that true belonging emerges not from similar paths but from the collective act of moving forward together.
we carry our memories like they're a burden,
unspoken, but hopeful that someone, someday
might be brave enough to take a step forward
and share in that weight of invisible pain.
and all that we hold, like a prayer to the broken,
so lonely that silence falls down like a veil,
are hearts, torn and scarred, but bleeding no longer,
in hope that someone might accept them someday.
i wasn't born hungry, i remember how it happened.
a bad man put a hole in me, one day when i was
very young
and i've been eating ever since:
i love gluttony, hate, ****, burning buildings, and you.

i'm sorry, it's not my fault. i was born hungry,
like strange flowers bloom:

both too old and too soon.
Dear Dreamer,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that no one loved you the way you loved them.
I'm sorry no one stood up for you when you needed it, like how you did for them. He never got the prison sentence he deserved.
He never moved on from you. He knew he could never replace you, and yet he hurt you, and I apologize.
They never reciprocated their feelings, even after you poured your heart into them.

I'm sorry that you recognized their footsteps and had to live in fear.
They didn't fight for you when you needed it, but blamed you, and for that, I'm sorry.
They told you that you were the "troublemaker" and the "angry daughter", but why were you angry?
I'm sorry that they crushed your dreams, Dreamer.

I'm sorry that you had to leave.
I'm sorry that they talked about you behind your back, insulting your name.
They destroyed everything you've ever touched and spread nasty lies about you.
I'm sorry that they altered the truth, the same truth you wished people had heard.

I'm sorry that they had tried to crush the hope and heartbeat of a child.
They turned your blazing fire into a simmering ash, and it was almost fully diminished.
But you kept it burning nonetheless, and you kept dreaming.
So though I am sorry that I wasn't always there, I was always hopeful.
Keep dreaming, My Dreamer.

Best Regards,
You <3
this is my 131st poem, written on 11/15/24
Nobody 6d
loud noises
crowded rooms
eating
talking
living
hoping
dreaming
wishing
can't do anything about it
can't do anything without being reminded
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