I cared to be loved,
Loved the adoring.
He swore that he did.
Oh, the great deceiving!
Was it him or me— who's at fault?
For I felt nothing, not for him, not at all.
If I were him, I too would resent me.
Then why do I not feel guilty?
He was the first to **** me with his—
Words or gaze; his entire existence
Drove me mad. There was no escaping.
If hell was earth, I was in it,
Burned holes into my body every time his two eyes found me, the lovely gazing.
I still bear the scars of thirteen.

thirteen days left of summer
i am thirteen               thirsty
for genuinity                today
served me nothing         i am
hungry        to be     eighteen
in grass that is chrome green
feeling ***** but feeling clean      &
not apologising for it

8th grade, thirteen years old.
That’s me.

Has two close friends with depression
and can think of another seven in the grade who also do.
That’s me.

Knows three people who have attempted suicide,
five who have slit their wrists,
a girl who had such a bad panic attack
she almost died,
three people who have starved themselves.
That’s me.

Only knows these few struggles of a few people.
Knows there are probably countless more
thirteen
year
olds
who have to battle their own inner demons
on a daily basis.
Thanks God everyday
that she doesn’t know what these demons look like
and hopes she never has to.
That’s me.

Wishes she could just help take away her friends pain
but can’t because she doesn’t
have the slightest idea what it feels like
but she wishes she oh so wishes
that she could somehow
convince everyone that they matter
because they do
they all do.
She believes any person anywhere can and will
bring value to the world when given a chance
if only we could make them see that.
No one deserves to die!
That’s me.

8th grade, thirteen years old.
That’s me.

Some time in may
Last year, 2018
It was a warm day
I was thirteen

You said you didn't want me
Anymore
You broke my heart and changed me
But that's not the end

I thought I'd never finish
Being thirteen
To die was my dearest wish
But I turned fourteen

You may have broke my heart
But it fixed on its own
You messed me up real smart
Now my hearts on airplane mode

Won't let anything in
That includes memories of you
I'm going to win
I will forget how I loved you

You you you you you
On my mind
Me me me me me
Please be kind

To yourself
You're still alive
Look at you
Heart still going

My heart's on airplane mode
At least it's still beating
Living on my own
No more feeling

If my words were like a gun
There would be smoke coming off my tongue
I don't think about life during a sunrise,
During a sunset or a star showered night.
I think about life eating a plate of nachos,
Drinking too much coffee with my wife.
I know in a big picture, I don't make the portrait
But when they torch these walls, I'll help restore them.
I can keep calm with a poker face like you,
But truth is, I'd rather be a joker getting wild with the twos.
I'm one of the few honest liars left
And we don't rattle. We don't rattle.

It's an odd feeling knowing the words,
That keep me up at night,
Won't matter once they're out, still unheard
Only said as the emotion lingering in my head.
I lie in bed putting my thoughts to rest
Sliding my finger to turn the page
Back to the real world behind the stage
Of a notepad and metophorical pen
Because a digital thought looks neat,
If only you saw the backspacing eraser
Scribbling out all my waste you'll never meet.
But we don't rattle. We don't rattle.

today was yesterday and they lied about tomorrow.
it doesn't exist. just like you.
you are only one thing in a world of hatred recklessness.
you were never planned. you are nothing. let me make it clear.
i don't want you to think that you got it easy. because you didn't.    
no-one ever does. its a myth of constellations in the sky.
i want. * don't say it * it breaks people and keeps them in eternal darkness. you are asking for something they can't extrapolate from themselves.
what are you going to take from this. nothing.
you fit. thats all you need to know. you certainly don't fit in. but you fit. within a world of your own.
because of me. i wanted it to be perfect. it wasnt. it never will. and this is now my punishment.
take it from me.

yours sincerely,
past