I would sit with the stubbornness of a child
Dragging down my face, a question on my lips,
“Who was Jesus? How did he save us?”

I only received scoffs in return,
Disbelief as busy adults said “What did he do?
Be serious.”
They never understood that I was.
 
Unaware of His presence and His love,
I curled into myself, wondering why I always
Failed at satisfying the standard I had
Carefully constructed in my head—
 It turned out, I was only waiting
For God’s perfect timing.

It was slow--a sluggish trial
Of him holding out his hand, and mine
Hovering tentatively, not fully convinced.
But He spoke through those around me,
He filled the emptiness I had walked around with
Like a book with blank pages, chapters filled in
At the binding. He gave me a community,
Something that was completely unfamiliar
And alien considering the isolation I was so
Accustomed with. Gradually, I turned to face him.
I talked to him under rain-soaked trees and rooms
Infused with the fear of darkness, and he offered
The resolute peace of his love and guidance—
 
 I will never forget the day of extended worship,
One voice flowing through the music, settling
Itself in my heart as I stood alcoved in a hallway,
A borrowed guitar clutched close, eyes full of tears
I was suddenly becoming unafraid of. That anxiety,
That defining phobia of never being enough,
He began to heal as I took his hand and let Him
Give me the strength to persevere through
Something I didn’t believe myself capable of.
 
In that moment, leading up to it, and even now,
When I know there is so much left for Him
To teach me, I feel the unburdening weight
Of his purpose for me—his sovereignty
Over the life I tried to control, year
 After year, with my own understanding.

I will never know everything, but I finally
Comprehend what Jesus did for me--
And even with my limited experience,

I will continue to seek a relationship with Him,
Unhindered by my self-righteousness
And fear of failing to fulfill his plan.

Jesus truly is Everything.

I dreamed today, before doing my devotion.
I was fighting with other people that turns out to be monsters, I was with my friend. Half way through the path where we were running, my friend was suddenly stuck in the middle of the way. Monsters surrounded her and she was helpless, for some reason I manage to get through as if the monsters are not anymore interested in me. Their skin touches mine but I don't feel strangled at all, a little suffocated, yes! but still I couldn't explain why I was closer to the exit.

I could never go and leave my friend behind, so I came back. I saw here in the darkness with a spotlight pointed at her, she was covering her ears and her head was tilted down just like a kid afraid of the dark. Held her arm while running, we runned as fast as we can. Do you know how we manage to get out? I just started shouting prayers and calling His name! I was even surprised when I woke up I felt safe because we manage to escape because of Him, surprised because I did not curse on those monster but just called His name.

The last thing I remember in my dream, was a kid. We were trying to escape and suddenly help came, humans, there was some guys and few people who came to tell us that there's a ride waiting for us. And suddenly, the real reason why we are running was because of a lady who I feel like I know but haven't seen clearly...the kid was her child. The child was a boy but he was beautiful and his eyes are as if speaking to me, my friend called me and shouted "Let's go! We can escape now!" But before I did run, I kneeled in front of the kid and continuously hug him after every message I say. I remember the kid crying and kept silent, but his eyes are telling me not to go. I felt like we are related and that I love her mom and she felt like a sister or friend to me. I can feel her watching us from afar but she's not chasing me anymore.

This is what I told the kid.
"Tell your mom we love her, but we have to go now!",
"Please grow up as a good man!" and while sobbing I said,
"You have a good heart, you're a good man, because you have a good God! stay that way!".

I don't know but it might be confusing to other people, but I think I was saying the a good person or a man is good because He has God in his/her life.

I ended up nothing getting into the ride, I woke up. But I felt comfort because I know I can be better and be a good person if I allow myself to be used by Him. And then I did my devotion, the title was "enjoying beauty", the content was "God's perfect time".

I wanted to share more!

You deserve no pity for it was done in earnest;
Declaring innocence’s a consolation at best;
Like us all through mortality you were put to the test;
Carelessness’ a testimony upon which you now may rest.

Against famine you took the lead by unsheathing the sword,
Spilling blood amidst the pleads without believing the word.
Our tribunal for this affair will have your future sealed;
The trial may not seem fair, but so never were your deeds.

No one question
Love
It just is

Still unsure?
It's not

Sand and oh it’s fall,  your formation and mine relate after all!

As the time drifts down
It’s echo swifts round shedding old for the new, yet envisioned my days blue
Scintillating hours, despising what was yours
To making it all mine for “dissolved ME ” could again shine
All those mystical minutes made out of fallen sand hath landed uncharily out of my close clenched hand

I collect all of you here in the bulb of one section,  its all together yet seems like it has lost its direction
Witnessed sand falls united at the apex, if this is the sweetest testimony
You and I never blend together is the bitterest baloney

Sand and oh it’s fall,  your formation and mine relate after all!

When you walk with God

Everyday

is a testimony

to His love  and  grace.

Cynthia Jean
Copyright
February , 2020