Being back home, in my childhood room is like climbing into a time capsule. I left for college quickly, back in ‘21 and I’ve only been back here once, briefly.

My closets are still full of my old high school clothes and there are shelves that line the upper walls of my room with maybe a hundred “Disney Princess” collectable statues (my favorite is Ariel).

I have one wall space behind my bathroom door that has a hundred yellow stickies on it - reminders of old assignments and quotes like, “Do you hate drama or create drama?” and “Imagine your future.”

Everything seems carbon dated. It gives me an impeccable, knife-like sense of ennui. I want to cherish it all or burn it all, depending on the time of day. I went to take down my old Humphry Bogart and Billie Eilish posters yesterday and Kim said “Noo,” in such a sad way that I stopped.

Hold on, let’s overthink this.

I had a hard conversation today. I broke the news to my cats (Belichick and Tom Brady) that school starts at the end of the month, and I have to go back.

They took it well, I think. You know how cats are. I’ll know in a day or two, if their good will has turned to sour offense - they'll claw something up.

Belichick seems to be watching me extra closely though.
.
.
Songs for this:
Lava by Still Woozy
Can't Hardly Wait by The Replacements
.
08.01.3PM

Fine,
I'm fine,
everything is fine.

Even though my world begins to crumble and fall
and even though my heart shatters and breaks...
All while my whole being becomes smaller-

I am fine,
I'm perfectly fine.

Even though my once flickering flame has dimmed
and even though my heart slowly begins to stop...
All while my whole being begins the fatal decline-

I promise I am fine.

Even though my flowers have died
and my heart has finally stopped beating...
I promise I am not lying

when I tell you I am

*******

fine.


And even as I dangle my legs over the edge,
and even as the pills rattle in their bottle...
As I hold the gun to my head -

I

am

perfectly

*******

finefinefinefinefinefine.


I am fine.

~A grimy, grimace of a grungy summer day~

Good Morning!


let the un-fun sting,
as the ardor never begins,
forecast a grimy grimace of a lousy
day ahead, at best, a clouded mess,
just to differentiate between bereaved
periods of rain, that train you in windows~
avoidance, for a grunge gloomy invades
all six senses (including the brain)
where all are concatenated),
and you can actually feel
the pallor descending
from brow to the bow
of your container,
feet swelling,

and you
in addition
to avoiding windows,
put some towels out over
all the mirrors, lest your pallor,
ah,

too late,
the grim grimace of grunted day
arrived even before the poem
was conceived, I deceived,
once more, the bore drill
drives a tubular of
despondency into
my spinal seam

Whether Weather Wither Whine Wailing
*****-Nilly  Wade  Why Why Writer

Why, Writer?

          Summerlight sunflight—
     singsonging songbirds singing,
winging blue heaven.

!               !               !          !              !                   !                 !
     !                !                !            !               !                     !
             !                !                      85°    !              !
 ­  !                                  all the ra!ndrops!fall except !      !       !
            !                !                 for one!that ra!ns up      !
                       !                  !               !           !              !            !
  !             !                !                 !                         !
                             !                                    !                   !        !
               !                     !            !                       !          
        !               !                                !                               ­  !
   !              !              !                 !                !            !                   !
             !                         !                     !                         !
     !                    !                    !                      ­  !                       !
                 !                      !                         !                  !  
         !                      !                     !                       !             !
!             !          !              !                     !        ¡               !              !
            !                     !                    !                   !                  !
      !           !       !             !                      !                !                 !

why why why
i cannot get into your mind
too distracted, too kludgy
humbled me three times
too busy running
why why why
i cannot seem to ever find
the solace in solo expeditions
deficit without you by my side
too busy running
from my pretty eyes

i dont want to come down,
i want to stay here,
high in the clouds
and dreaming with the stars...

i dont want to come down,
where the grass is greener
and the birds sing songs
while the sun shines upon me...

that's not happiness to me.

i dont want to come down,
I'm safer up here,
I'm high, up in the sky
with the pretty little kites...

that's happiness to me.

i dont want to come down
where my mind is sober
and my body alive...

i don't want to come down...
i want to stay high,
high above the world...

i want to stay high...
i dont want to fall down...

i want to be high,
i don't want sobriety,
i don't want to be living...

but if I can't be up high,
and if I have to come down...

is it possible to find happiness six feet under ground?

Who am I?
Oh, why, I haven't a clue!

Do I have an identity,
do I have a personality,
or a soul like you do?

Am I defined by Him?
Or am I defined by Me?
Do you decide who I may be?
Oh, my, who am I?

And why can't I
identify that
which makes me me...
My talents
or my failures,
my past or my present...
Do either or neither
determine me?

But, oh, I cry,
is it too late now
to find out how
to become me again?

But oh, who am I
to say I can't begin
to make my name.
When now may be the time
when now could be my time
to make me shine,
and make my self
whole,
new,
and me…

Hopefully...