Harsh night, broken heart and a walk.

You took my breath away. Hearts beat much louder without the distraction of lungs. Long and slow, and so rewarding, you showed me things from imagination. Your thrill made me dizzy, a dangerous game. You could be temporary or permanent, and it was never up to me.

solicitous,
the dark squeaks through,
sinks in the holes
in the lungs—the worms
found her too.

appendages of the hands
become mushrooms
grown from the soil of old hysterias
to sate the browning mind,
the eyes no longer do.

in the caricature of her boots,
the prints left in frenzied twos
are auxiliary to the compounds
of blues
that do not do

anymore than the supercilious
breath she left above ground
when she was twenty-two—
latent now in a grave
where the light can’t produce,

but the heart still beats.

Suffocating between houses so distant
Where oceans tempest in between
An opaque clutch on her throat consistent  
Tears wetting her façade, blatantly unseen  
The further the households grew apart
A greater despair pierced at her heart

Realisation non-emergent in her psyche
Convincing herself that just maybe
She can squeeze in amongst the houses
Within the distance vast yet she browses
To experience being cherished
On what it feels like to belong
Alas, that cannot be accomplished
Bonds hath severed for far long

Restrictions
I’m *******, Caged Dead
Caged Sick
Caged Confused

I’m shackled to the words of the Old
That bind me
To a life I do not want
Blind me
In a fruitless rage

I see colors in dull hues when you remind me
Of all I cannot be
Because I am Me

I feel the panic
Static in my mind and brain
I go insane at your words
“Because you’re a girl”
I’d much rather you **** me
‘Cause those words constrict me
Suffocate me
Make me wish for death as I drown helplessly in your judgement

Oh Judge Jury and Executioner!
Have mercy
I do what you say
I am what you think you want
Please leave me alone
I am pleading
Down on my knees, hands clasped
Have mercy!

I do what you want, when you want, how you want
I limit my questioning so you don’t shout out those dreaded words
“Because you’re a girl”
They are the noose
Slowly wrapping itself around my neck
A coiling, winding, unwinding snake

Come on
Is this really what you want?
Panic and anarchy inside of me
As the tears flow down my eyes, into my throat to drown me

I watch as you fill up my lungs with concrete
And expect me not to bleed from the inside out

Well I am all out of blood
I am dead, I am done
I’ve been buried alive
Go find your next victim.

I try so hard to scrub him off me.
It has been over four years and I still scream in the night.
The feeling is so suffocating that when I open my lungs, dust puffs out.
All I have left from him is layers over layers over layers of insecurity and fear.
When you ask me if I liked that, I smile and nod and yes yes of course,
But I can’t even feel it anymore.
Sometimes I am so numb by what has happened to me and my protective mechanisms resurface
Blocking every sense of touch and emotion that I have,
Giving you the show that I was taught to give.
The only feeling that remains after we have *** is the feeling of another man’s teeth sinking into my neck,
Clamping down on the blood flow to my brain,
Knocking me out in a much more pleasant way than when he would with his fists.
No matter how raw I scrub myself, his fingerprints and bruises linger.

I love you.
I am trying to forget him.
I am shaking in your arms and it is for all the wrong reasons and it has been a year,
A year into this beautiful life with you and I still don’t think I have told you.
It is not your fault, I know that.
What I don’t know, is if it was mine.