you never left the warm feelings that floated into the veins under my skin, the ink that stained permanent marks a lot like your name did my mind, I remember how your eyes looked in the sun, on Sunday mornings you preferred pancakes for breakfast - ones with white chocolate chips - and you left on a windy winter afternoon for an acting gig you 'couldn't pass up', I guess you weren't that good if i could almost smell the seconds that you'd close the door shut; your scent once owned the whole place. I always knew mountains came with valleys but I didn't know that we were at the edge of the country where the city begins and another time in my life unfolds.

A place - innocuous from the outside
Where resides, pestilence and ambiguity
A maze of vacillation where names are forgotten
In this place, the harbinger of unrequited dreams dwell

He is the maker of disillusion but also a friend
He never wishes to escape; I bind him with the disingenuous power of righteousness
When he is set loose, it’s with malice and slaughter
Vulgarity is his weapon, which he uses indiscriminately

As quickly as he is summoned and let loose
He returns to his domicile, weary
I fear this demon more than death
The relationships that it has overwhelmed
Too many to mention; too few remembered

Control is never mastered where flawed reasoning endures
Society asks to cage our demons
Confine it and marginalize its power
How can I when it’s who I am?

Sunlight, clocks, alarms:
They call for us, "Wake up!"
Convincing us to stumble out of bed,
Unwillingly,
As the bedsheets, the blankets, the pillows,
Are all we have.

Bosses, teachers, parents:
They call for us, "Now work!"
We persevere through the day,
Unwillingly,
Another coffee, another biscuit,
Are all we have.

Paperwork, homework, chores:
They call for us, "No rest!"
Barely surviving, we continue,
Unwillingly,
The hopes of evening, night, and stars,
Are all we have.

Eventually, it is another day over:
There is no cheer, only a sigh of relief.
We stumble to our beds, wondering,
Unwillingly,
When did we become,
Like this?

Life’s strange and there’s no way of understanding it.
We usually complain about things
And hope that our happiness lies somewhere else
Maybe in another time or space.
We dread for that particular moment to come,
The one that can change your life on a dime,
But, more than ever, that moment will never shine.
I don’t want to upset any optimistic
Or encourage any pessimistic
But that’s only realistic.
In our twenties we wait for our thirties to be all figured out.
In our thirties we hope that at forties will bring the best out,
But life doesn’t work this way.
One day you’ll be hit by something from your right just to be knocked down by something from your left
And there on the pavement you’ll look at the world and see it’s scary face.
And you’ll feel so small
With no intention and no strength to move on.
But in your torments and anguish you might feel an invisible hand
Trying to help.
And that is the moment you realize it’s not over.
If you’re conscious while lying down
It’s a sign you have to stand up and go on.  
So stand up straight and face the facts.
There’s always a lesson behind all acts.

I'm always craving for words
Spending a lot of time reading
But I was never satisfied.

Maybe because it wasn't enough
Or maybe, because I've never found the words that can describe how badly I am right now.

Rushing to find green.
Crawling to escape red.
Facing my fears and ignoring yellow.
Head held high towards the blue.
Sneaking around packages of brown.
Avoiding the violet violence.
Until an unfortunate glare into my whites.
Flash sparks of orange.
Then let me fall and fade to black.
No silver lining.
Only golden gates.
Welcome me home into the clear.

In the dark, yet the glare burns my eyes.
Silence, yet the screaming won't quiet.
My body is still, yet writhing in anguish.

Darkness, silence, stillness... This is the battle.
The old familiar lullaby of numb.
A beckoning finger, seducing me to depths of pitch black on a starless night.
I could sleep if the air wasn't stale.

I've been abandoned,  yet I refuse to be the abandoner.
I cannot give that pain away. It is mine to own.
I am surrounded by love, yet alone every direction I reach.

Abandoned,  pain... refuse, love, alone... Fight.
I cannot be selfish. Redirection is the only option.
I will not let go. Hold the pain close, never kiss the love with its sting.

Fight. With what weaponry? Armed with pain. Reaching, grasping for hope.
Protect the love. Do not let it fall to my fate.
Rebuild. Pain is my weapon. I could cause such harm,  shove them all away.
If only I could reach, yet if I did, I'd take the pain from them, protect them,
And sacrifice myself to no end, but an endless cycle.

Fight, protect, rebuild... armed with who I am.
Gather the pieces.  Put them together. Never in original form.
New stones, fresh mortar muddied with tears.  Reach, to find each stone.
Drag it into place, carefully stacked,  meticulous placement, calculated.
Construct not to protect me, not to hide, but to keep the love out of harms way.
Without love I am nothing.
Deny, refuse nothing.
Arms open, eyes wide.
Fight, for everything.