I don't know how
To get her home,
Or if she has one...
Does 𝘴𝘩𝘦 even know?

If I reached out my hand,
Would she even pull?

She's been making herself larger.
I can feel her reappearance.
She gets brighter, I get darker.
Interfering with my impulse,
And it happened again...

I forgot how I got here,
Don't where I began.

▪︎ mica light ▪︎

It seems our friendship ends here,
My friend
Let’s split this orange in two
Keep your half and don’t share it
Nothing left we want to mix together.
It has always been coming quietly
Probably from the moment we shook hands
The time has now arrived
Even as we try to elongate our texts
Force our voices with concern
Still waiting for the exit

We knew from the second
We walked different paths
That the ground would tremble,
And the cracks rise.
The gap has been widening
As the sun and moon switch places
Even if we ignore it and
Throw a smile across the divide.

The pretense now
Makes my skin crawl
Escape from this strange web
Coating around us is urgent
I know you have your stuff under hands
And want to keep them away from me
Here,
I’ll give it all to you on a gold platter.

But for some reason it won’t cross the table
It’s frozen to the touch,
I cannot get it over.
Unwilling to put down our dignity
Laid on the napkin exposed to the other
Making this process extend
Pulling out without an end

Continuously balancing
The thin string wobbling into the dark
Struggling as I carry memories on my back
Missing pieces increasing its weight
As it slips down I wonder who you are
Grudges I thought buried
Now splitting through the earth

It seems our friendship ends here,
My friend
The air has grown too toxic to breathe
I can no longer see you through the divide
Let us not even try and leave it at that.
Who will be the one to say it first?
Just look around for an excuse
Drop a bubble of silence
Hoping to set off a bomb of meaning
Nobody has to take responsibility
Let us escape.

Laughs abounding while
We crossed the dark streets
Now mock me
Showing only unknowing youth
There to fill a space where
I now realize you were thin air.
As fleeting as a passing joke
An initiation for the future..
What I thought was so tight
Loosened itself at a touch
And left the past at the back
As we walk through the tunnel.

Time has passed by
And swallowed us whole
Still falling down its’ throat
Passing by brief glimpses of moonlight
It’s dark sides showing up at my face
Always changing paths
I won’t hand you the compass
As I land at on my feet,
I want to enjoy the walk without you
Dusk is setting down on the streets
I see we are on opposite sides
Of the sun glazed windows

No longer able to meet each other’s gaze
Through the bright shine
Shut mouths full of words
That weigh on our tongues
The coat now fits us well,
Straightened out on our shoulders
Should now be able to walk
Pass by each other with a nod

It seems our friendship ends here,
My friend
Let’s buy two different train tickets
We don’t want to join the other
The seat beside me will be reserved.
But nothing is going past my lips
Let’s hurry up, the bell is ringing
Exchange phrases of good wishes
Both curious of our destinations
We’re adults now
Let’s board and leave

today love looks like falling water
like honey too hot to touch or hold anywhere
like snow too minor to sheet white on the ground
like ice cream too big on a sweaty summer day
like wounds continuously splitting open just before the healing
like me continuously splitting open just before the healing

I will tell you something about
Best friends
And good people:
They just don't exist.
And sometimes
You are the worst one.

my rationality is a house drenched in gasoline --
my emotions are a handful of stricken matches --
i hold them delicately between my fingers,
try to wave out the flames,
blow them out one by one --
but the embers catch on the curtains.
the house goes up in flames;
it burns to the ground;
the ash scars the earth and i can't breathe again --

and why stop there?
why burn down a single house when i'd devour a whole village if you asked?
my emotions can be dynamite; they're a nuclear blast;
set me off and watch the world turn to dust
i'm doing it for you
my flames are engulfing the planet
for you
they're my reactions to the small things;
they're the clench of my jaw when you send short texts,
they're the shaking of my fingers when your shoulders don't curve around mine
the conclusion of my analysis on your body decides whether or not the world will go to sleep in bursts of red and orange

my spine is in a pool at my feet;
my frame has melted and my heart is on the loose
smoke is slithering down my throat
i'm sorry i am the way i am --
i'm sorry i'm clumsy with fire;
i'm sorry this house was built with popsicle sticks;
i'm sorry that it's so easy to watch me burn