Some days I go from top speed to a dead halt in the same amount of time it takes to unlock a door or flip a light switch.

And when I'm standing still, it's hard not to feel like everything around me is crashing down and shattering. And it's loud. It's in my face. Etched onto my skin. Burned into my memory.

But somehow, I'm still here. After the thundering collision and the screeching of tires. I'm still here. In the middle of the crossroads. Still breathing. Still standing. Still here.

Because there are a few strings keeping me from crumbling. And here and there an iron rod that will not let me fall. Small truths and sentiments that shout louder and whisper sweeter than any of my thoughts ever could:

"someone cares" "you matter to me"

"don't walk alone" "careful" "would you like a hand?" "how was your day?" "you're smart too" "I like your face"

It brings me back. Back to that crossroads: my past behind me. A vast future ahead. Calling, beckoning the same way you do with that smile on your lips, your hand outstretched. And even in my clumsy fingers I will grasp it.

And follow.

From 0 to 5, to 10. To 20. To 30. To 40.

Slowly propelled forward yet again, out of the darkness my mind pulls up and around my shoulders like a shroud. Out of the ******* currents that pull me down. Out of the shadows where my bones grow cold.

Into the light and glow of countless stars. Each perfect, each warm. Each far away and watching from their perch upon your shoulders, your arms, your cheeks. Each inviting in the way a warm bed calls on rainy days.

Let me follow. Let me fall. Let me sink into your embrace and tell you how afraid I was today. Let me bare my soul, and make me strong. So that one day. If you should hear the collision and smell the smoke, I will be there to lift you out of the wreckage and hold you to my chest. The way you do now.

That one day I won't need saving from myself. But love fearlessly instead.

The blurred visions
The farthest symphonies
No,
Melting to the rhythmic voices
Merging by inches into shallow sounds
Where am I?

Wanted to wake up
Help was on the way
Looking up to the passing lights
On the ceiling, body paralyzed
Something has changed around

A slight pinching feeling
In my arm,
They hurried,
What are they trying to figure out?
Little traces of pieces to join me back to
Life, to come home
When the fluid light blurred in front of my eyes
Finally, awaited darkness and garden lights
Has taken me.

i wonder what it feels like to live without worry.

is it like a flowing river, forever in motion, with nothing but the rocks to slow it down?

or is it like my childhood dog gnawing on a bone in my back porch?

to live without worry or true damage is a goal that will never be attainable.

to live a life of indifference.

i want it, i want it.

I hate pottering around inside my mind
With no reason or rhyme, like I'm retired-
Poking through cobwebbed corners,
Pulling at age-old tablecloths, considering
A garden party for me and my little lost smile
There in the half-wild,
With the sun like messy oil I'll have to wash
Out of my hair and clothing when I'm done.

I hate playing docile card games alone,
Laying out plans like pictures I'll never colour in-
My doughy brain pokes stimulus off the shelf  
And traps itself in kindergarten daydreams;
I fingerpaint endlessly,
Defining the world through crayon senses,
Crushing, mushing cookies and shaking
Clumsy maraca beats.

If only I could lie down in soft rustic flesh
Snatching handfuls of it to conceal my skin
Finally, finally filling myself in
Buried alive for good
And be expelled, again, into blazing harshness
Choking on the earth that forms my body
Crying, crying for hope and fresh presence
Coming to life for good.

I wandered for
A safe Haven , found your
Heart so warm .
Calm and Hale , our
Heart together , forever
Mind yearns.
Slowly and steadily, together
They burned , No other
Heaven is real .

You and me,
Our love deep as the sea,
Together,
Forever.
Hold my hand my gentle dove,
As we traverse life's journey with love,
Living, laughing and loving,
Every moment just devouring.
Enjoying the taste of ripe mangoes,
The tender maize and cassava as we go,
Feel the taste of salty air,
Us, a fine pair.
And as our steps slow and dither,
Our eyesight get dimmer,
Your hand always in mine,
We'll be fine,
Together,
Me and you forever.
1/2/2020

Time runs down a waterfall
Accelerating at 9.81 meters/sec^2
There is no point in jumping ahead
We are all going to the same place
So let's enjoy this waterfall
Together

read death raft
for 10 hours straight
slow reader