This memory of us which I do not share
Hold onto beyon depths of all ruts
A moment that felt of sincere
The most secure
About what you mean to me
And remain a place in heart
Honestly didn’t expect , so this memory I’ve never shared revealing my moment of true care for you removing years of doubt I always felt
Everything changed
What was always said, the real meaning of true friendship was no longer just words
But something that I felt and now understood
Cause we always mistook things that weren’t even spoke
Giving us a taste of the sandyhook
Remaining alive , center of the disasterous path it weaved
Leaving speechless on how to rebuild
Attempt to heal things not meant
     Hospital bed, coming to side ; squeezing in as I lean at your chest
Then began a quick rest
You never spoke , not even a sound
Remained still though cramped in that tiny patients waiting bed
Time going by
Still no sign of you even being real
You remain still
I assumed you were in own zone
Don’t know if you felt some wave of what i consumed in something of so many things that were all too real and hard to reveal Cause it had feels
A friendship I never believed
Disregarding your words of expressed care and love that you shared for the bond we built a friendship that be constantly stalled in building up.
I ****** up and thought too much
Made myself think I was Trippen on what I felt
It wasn’t real
Something in Munich head
Cause you weren’t really all there
You were no where near
And silenced vibes no physical motions
Made me feel I was honestly on my own
Just with physical feel cause the owner mind and soul were off seeking some guy and struggling its own mind of so many past nights
I killed my feelings of real and moment of love in the doing at being to my side cause there’s never been such type of cool connection in relating to us .
Exsistent in present time I’ll never know
Nor do I wish an answer to provide clarity of mind
Whatever it be
You there with me and all
Or simply gone out in another realm
Doesn’t matter at the end
Cause was I cherish to the most
And never exposed
Means so much to me
Not even this of what I write can really
Tell how I feel and felt
What change it made
The vibe of friendship once filled of doubt and thoughts of lies
Now washed , given little trace and
Added feels of a bit more to be some home
Knowing the battles we will fight
Won’t diminish our care and love
We will always remain great friends
Even when things are not said
Or if we go dead
But that I added as a last minute joke cause well I don’t do closings to my feels all great and ****
But that’s how you know it’s real
A random close to something meant to be forreal
So swoopesdela- ooomf

Fear, please don't embrace me.
Please don't come chasing after me.
Please don't.

Fear, please don't stop me.
Please don't make me to be afraid to even worship God...

Worthlessness, please don't replace my mirror.
Please don't take away my identity, the truth I hold onto.

Uselessness, please don't come and be my secretary.
Please don't be my frequent notifications on my phone, on my heart.

Unloving, please don't come and replace my heart.
Please don't keep captives my thoughts, my words, my actions.

No. I am not asking.
I am telling you.
To leave.

Before I knew it I ate half the bag.
Fifty pounds deliciously resting the bottom of my stomach.
I regret nothing.
Weighing my stomach with my hands.
I tried to save some.
Each piece more than the last.
Resting on the coffee table of her heart.
I didn't expect to eat as much as I did.
A decision made in haste,
I smiled.
Easily reaching into my own bag.
Replacing what I ate with that of my own.
Her pieces taste far better than mine.
Knowing that they belonged to her.
My heart rejoiced in knowing this.
My taste buds on the other hand longed for more.
Savoring the taste.
Ready to reach again.
Her heart, the sweetest candy I know

I hope you can just hold me and tell me that you feel better.
Sometimes I feel like giving up but it’s not in my genes I keep taking care.
I look into my phone and know that nothing will pop up and I know you know it hurts me but at least you feel better and you will be better without me.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
I read this poem to my mom
and you know how she chose to respond?
with a soft grunt that was truly withdrawn

she doesn’t seem to have a care
for what I might choose to share
I used to leave my soul out bare
but now I voice my thoughts elsewhere

She was the only plaster that
I needed to cover wounds, because
no one saw the cuts deepening beneath.
scratching at my tears, crying underneath.

But I never knew that she was the one
silently unstitching my wounds. She'd begun  
long before I was cut, but her words kept
me from realizing tears weren't for me id wept.

She never needed a reason to cut me deep inside.
I was the doll, stuffing pulled from within denied
the respect of my pride. but still I thought her my
plaster healing this cut, while reality cut deeper, why?

Why would she want to hurt what was our love,
why could one cut at that that showing her truelove.
A plaster only hides pain, covering up  intentions
of a misguided trust. I became my own intervention.

Life since our love had blossomed had been rough,
our petals were razor wire memories of those tough
times we had seen before. But I thought our time
had coated those petals, washing away past grime.

She never needed a reason to cut me deep inside.
I was the doll, stuffing pulled from within denied
the respect of my pride. but still I thought her my
plaster healing this cut, while reality cut deeper, why?

I now know that some cuts weren't mine, sharing
her past with me. But instead of healing,cutting, wearing
down what was within me. I needed to feel whole be
myself within no cuts seen. I loved her, but I was unfree.