she had nothing here, in this house.

Not a shelve, not a chair, not a window.... Not a care.

She could hear air going into her lungs and then leaving...

She scratched at the floor hopelessly.

The sound brought a moment of relief.

She scratched again & again & again!

Her body burned all over.

The tips of her finger nails were coated in her own blood.

Suddenly she was on her feet punching the drywall....but the wall didn't seem to end.

There was infinite amount of wall to punch.

More blood flowed freely from The Empty House

she collapsed hitting the floor with a thud

The Empty House's walls seemed to beat like a sore head

steadily, She Screamed

And then breathed

Fast, Slow & then Nothing....

1st take
oftentimes I still struggle  
to keep in mind
that my life is no battlefield
that nobody’s purpose has ever been to bring me down
it still amazes me how the only words meant to make me fall
are my own

2nd take
oftentimes my mind is still a racing car
competing against beings so much more superior and human
I have to prove myself and reach up
always up, up, up, up – it’s never high enough
up in the clouds, fog in my head
I sometimes notice
how life is passing me by
longingly looking at me on the other side of the glass
so far away
and yet so close to the chances I regret never taking

3rd take
I always fantasized time would one day be my dear friend
unlike those old ladies
ever complaining about their white locks
so ashamed they’d colour them away like a flaw.
when I was a child
I promised I would love my white hair so much
like a well-earned and long-awaited prize
I would proudly strut in the streets
carrying in my purse the kind of contentment
only self-love can gift you.
and yet , as I breach from adolescence to adulthood
like an injured prey thrown to the wolves
I can’t help but already feel the weight of time
(ever ticking by my ear)
upon my spinning head – not what’s to come
but what I left behind.

4th take
oftentimes I still struggle
to function like a proper human being
in a room full of people
how can I be one of them?
there’s more days I am my mental illness
than days I trick myself into believing
I’m not.
I still consider myself a teen
that’s the age I was truly born
the shock of learning a prodigious pill can’t help you
surely does feel like dying
only to be thrown into a life
you never asked for
all over again.
unprepared as one always is
learning from scrap to make weapons
out of years of self-loathing
I still struggle to understand how could I possibly love myself
when my mind convinces me nobody else does.

5th and last take
do you even exist?
I ask myself when you finally decide to act up -
you have never given me a warning sign
a red flag
you’re unexpected and so **** good at making me doubt myself
and if I don’t believe me
who could I ever possibly believe?
I could choose to believe you
but I will never give you the satisfaction.

the strangest feeling is constantly being watched
but never truly seen,
talking
but never really being heard –
you told me you are the only one who does not judge me.

there are days you know me
better than I know myself,
you are my best friend and comforter then
but I learned how to hate you when taking control of my body as if it were your own
using it as you please
for destroying it so carefully
brings you so much power
(you always drain me
and I’m always tired)

your care was never selfless
but selfish and greedy
even when I give you what you want
desperate for silence and peace and loneliness
I am never truly free
the aftertaste of the words unwillingly spilling from my mouth
has always tasted so bitter

fighting you is a losing game anyway
I’m so ******* glad
if I go down,
you’re coming with me

- to my anxiety disorder
                   (*******)

Maybe I should leave him.
I can see the pain settling in his eyes as he stares me down eyebrows crinkling in pity.
"Why don't you fix your sleep schedule?"
It sounds like code for,
"Why don't you fix yourself?"
I tell him I can't. I tell him that I've been trying.
But he can't see it.
The shackles, the ball and chain.
The shadows that appear even when there is no light.
He can't hear them.
The demons in my mind whispering self hatred.
Maybe I should leave him/
I can't explain to anyone what I am, how I feel, what I'm doing.
I'm tired of trying to explain, exhausted from trying to live a life that I don't want and trying to change.
Happiness.
What a cruel word.
What a sad reminder that pain is all I possess.
I shackled myself and I should leave.
Before I shackle him too.

Such bitterness and such fury
Directed at you but really should be reflected
Time is the water to soothe
Reminding me that change is to come.

There once was a girl
Who lived in a dark cavern
Far under the ground
Was this destitute tavern

And inside the cavern
All over the walls
Were tall, glassy mirrors
When she spoke, they answered her calls

"Who am ?" she asked
As desperate as could be
"A sinner," they replied
"This is your reality.

You've made the wrong choices
I'm sorry, my dear,
But the guilt you've obtained
We can see, crystal clear.

From being ignored, to
The lies, and the pain,
It's so easy to see
A sorrowful heart is all you've gained."

As the girl looked into the mirrors
She began to believe
"No one appreciates my efforts,
They aren't worth while, no one listens to me."

And the mirrors around her
Reflected the pain in her face
The dark thoughts she had
She could never erase

And as the girl stood there
Day in and day out
Staring at her reflection
She started to doubt

The pain she was feeling
From friends, family, and sin
Was weighing her spirit down
Her patience began to wear thin

And each day her anger
And disbelief grew
But she hid her true feelings under a cloak
So the next thing she knew

Another weight was added to the cape
This one a venomous snake
That draped around her neck
And wouldn't let her escape

It stayed with her for a while
Weighing her down with a mischievous smile
And one day decided to take a bite
And she didn't even try to put up a fight

Now don't get me wrong
She forgave the sweet snake
But little did she know
She still carried the weight

And when she experienced
Others negativity
It simply wove it's yellow thread
Into the cloak's haunting tapestry

Did she hide the cloak? No
But she let people see
The hurt she experienced
To gain their sympathy

But she never revealed
The hidden message of the silk
So the hurt wouldn’t spread
The colors wouldn't bleed

"If people don't appreciate me
For what I do for them
Maybe they'll appreciate me
When they see where I've been!"

So she showed off her sorrow
But put on a brave face
Whenever someone asked her
If she was okay

She didn't know why
But she showed her emotions
Only to shut people out
When they wanted to be let in

And each time she experienced
Another's criticism or complaints
She turned away, hurt,
But kept making mistakes

"I don't want to weigh people down," she would say
"For my problems are small."
And because of this mindset
She carried them all

So her cloak got more heavy
And the hurt cut more deep
But she tried to keep her head up
Although she was afraid to speak

"God forgives me," she said
"But I can't forgive myself.
Lord, help me out of this place,
And out of this mirrored cell!"

For her focus was on herself,
Though she tried to look up
Her cloak weighing her down,
Her own strength could never be enough

And as the days passed
The guilt weighed on her so
The shame pinning her down
And not letting her go

"It hurts so much, Father,"
she said, day after day
"It's too much. My heart can't take it,
Please make it go away!"

And she begged and she pleaded
Until she was on her knees
And lowering herself she found
She could clearly see

A weak stranger in the mirror
More broken than she knew
And as she looked in her tear filled eyes
She saw the mirror was broken, too

The image of her innocence
Now seemingly damaged beyond repair
And as she stared into the glass
She no longer recognized the girl kneeling there

"How can you forgive me, Lord?
I don't even see myself!
For this is not the innocent child
I used to know so well."

Her iniquities sewn on the cloak around her,
But she didn't take it off
"If I must live with this sin on my cloak
I should get used to the feeling of its cloth."

So she continued to trudge along
Day in and day out
Blaming herself for things
Afraid of opening her mouth

The hurt stacked up and up
Till she began to scream
Her reflection in the mirrors
Not what she meant it to be

"I cannot seem to stop
This hurt inside of me
Father, what can I do?
I can no longer see!"

She begged for forgiveness
Till her throat was dirt dry
And the days, going quickly, yet painfully
Passed by

She was so ashamed
And even when she read scripture
She couldn't shake the feeling
That had now gripped her

But with time the Lord's mercy
Guided her soul
To places of peace and comfort
Where He showed her the goal

"This is meant for you child," He said
"To learn and to grow.
For you cannot be prepared for the world
Without learning to let go

For you are holding onto something
I could've taken long ago
I love you, my precious one
Far more than you know

Your purity is not forever marred
For I can make you white as snow
Come to me, young one, heavy laden
For here green pastures grow

Come, drink of the waters of healing
Wash in the pool of forgiveness
And when you look into the still river
You'll see the reflection of innocence

My heart breaks to see yours broken, child
And that will never change
For as I'm looking down at you
I see what beauty I have made

There's nothing that can separate you
From my unfailing love
And as you take the unwise path
I'm healing you from above

I AM the reason you're still here
I AM the peace you seek
In me you shall find your everything, for
I AM choosing you to teach.

Your worth is not now any less
Than when you first awoke
Look up, my daughter, and you will see
LOOK UP, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOAK."

And as she looked into the mirror
The image began to clear
Her eyes were opened then, to see
The child He held so dear

And as she stood up, her cloak fell off
And crumpled on the ground
She started to see the meaning of the trial
At last she was longer bound

The fog in her eyes began to break
And the light shone through again
And as the time passed by
She found she was no longer where she had been

For the dark cavern around her
Had faded into blue
She saw the clear sky once again
And saw the girl she once knew

"Thank you Lord, for growing me," she whispered
"For showing me what your love means.
For teaching me that without you I am nothing
That your strength is what I need

I am weak, frail, and pitiful
But you are strong, mighty, and capable
There's nothing I've done that cannot be erased
Nothing done to me that won't be abased

You've humbled me to breaking point
And for that I'm so grateful
For if I had not gone through this
I wouldn't truly see you're able

To wash away my sins
As you've wiped away my tears
To bring me out of darkness
And vanquish all my fears

To pour out a mercy that I didn't understand
To show me that I was still inside of your hands
To guide me through hardship and tragedy
Because you wanted to tell me that you loved me."

And as the girl looked up
Her Father smiled down
She knew again by that weight
She'd no longer be bound

The prize was worth the cost
For the grace to abound
For once she was lost
But now, she is found.

I feel the force of the wind in my hair
And the cold winds blowing around me
The freezing calm and deadly storm
This sharp dagger of ice
That threatens to strike
My heart says no my soul says yes
But eventually my soul wins I guess

I let myself think of all the hurt I caused
The pain, the promises never kept
And let the emotions of loneliness and grief
Coupled with self loathing push me in deep

Ignoring the cold I walk inside
Not knowing or caring if I come out alive
Shivering a bit now, though my resolve doesn’t waver
I am enveloped by the storm
Now I become nothing at all

Many miles to walk,
In some shoes that just
Don’t fit.
Clouds above and in head,
Blind for all the doubt.

Escaping the pursing shadow,
The darkness we fear
That lives within.
Do I enjoy the flagellation,
Is that why I keep this whip wet?

I've grown addicted to the nightmare,
At home in the din.
The dream dies, in those desperate eyes,
Poured from the lies within.

When the ice berg hit,
I felt relief,
For this titanic,
That you all saw,
Has been shown to be
Just a piece of tin.

As I rust in the depths,
Nurturing my pain,
A diligent nurse,
I take comfort in this urchin bed Iv made.
Now, I know true darkness.

Lies swim in those eyes,
Silver flecks in a rolling ocean.

I got depths,
And there are sharks within.
You see the sun rays reflection,
But forget this mirror is just the knife's tip.
This oceans got more yin than yang.

Theres a certain satisfaction in self loathing,
See I have always wanted to be the best,
But too afraid to take the plunge,
I’ll settle for the worst.

At least when this wildfires burnt out,
There will be certainty at last.
All the bad and wrongs wrung out,
You don’t get no phoenix,
Without the price of destruction and ash.

The thing about rock bottom,
Is that it gives you something to push,
A solid base from which to build,
Now that I know the ends of my worth.

The jokes on you though,
He who types,
See perfection exists only in its totality.
A tree may glow, but its got knobs and gnarls.
The sun may shine, but it also burns.
We forget that sun kiss can ****.

So strive not to be the most good,
Or perfect, or unblemished.
For the destination doesn’t exist,
And the route, rough and wrought with misery,
Loops round and around yourself.

To avoid strangulation,
Let go.
Fall into uncertainty gladly,
And you will find wings that you didn't know.
And thats more than enough,
You don’t need no halo.

Pitiful.
I sit with the blade in my hand
And all I’ve managed is a slice to the skin.
There’s no blood no tearing of the flesh.
I’ve returned to cutting
But I’m not taking this seriously.
Where once I would gouge a hole,
Where once I would part my flesh to see the blood run,
I am now a novice.
Just pathetic.

Alive.
Breathing.
Can I be
Described as more than just
Existing?
Friends are
Great,
Helping when
I need them most.
Joking.
Kidding.
Laughing
My sorrows away.
No, not away.
Only
Pushing them down.
Questioning their validity.
Revealing them to myself and those closest to me.
Sleeping is hard.
Terrified by my own ineptitude.
Understanding that I
Very
Well may have wasted my youth just
‘Xisting.
Yearning for better things.
Z’s won’t be trailing over my head for some time.

I'm here once more, but then again when was I not?

as if my eyes have ever shifted from my reflection. I'm sick of it.

I don't know how long I've been here; this dimly lit trap gives away no time.

all else melts around me, pools into ripples of my distorted reality.

I sit and I watch my face. I long for the familiarity of yesteryears that I cannot trace.

my skin yawns open, wills to consume itself - porous, velutinous, and brittle.

this is who I am, this is what I see:

tyrian purple flesh decomposing, falling inside my bones that split and splinter;

my mind climbing out of my head, fugitive from the skull's prison;

breaths, ribbons of grotesque, not deep enough to last and not shallow enough to be numbered.

everything without is human (decaying though it is), and everything within is dissimulation.

this molten, fragmented un-being doesn't escape my sight. these eyes have cried out for respite -

and yet they exist, the odd and sole constant in the mirror before them -

wistful for oblivion and feasting on fear. what's gone has kept me alive for longer than it appears.

this body doesn't even feel real. my fingertips burn at every touch.

what more shrapnel does this heart desire until it plays out its final beat?