sometimes i look at you across the room and feel.
i cannot quite pinpoint what it is.
my heart thumps around wildly, skipping beats.
my brain feels numb in a daze.
my soul, it's singing about your eyes.
something about this feeling isn't a typical kind of love.
it's much, much more than that.
it's passion, fire, and our end.
i often think it's because i love you that i don't pursue you.
but it's actually fear.
it's that i'm afraid you'll love me too much and my lust will end.
i cannot break something as beautiful as you.
i cannot help you rebuild after i burn the home your soul resides in.
for it is not our home.
it's your home and i'm just the pillow on the left side of your bed, the sappy things in your drawer, the five photos on your fireplace, the one note in your wallet.
it can never be us, because it is you and me.
i won't treasure you, i'll throw you away just like you'll throw away my things once i leave.
so as i look at you across the room and feel something, look away.
because i am your future.
i am your heartbreak.
i feel what you feel even though i don't feel the same way.
i feel your heartache.
and am selfish for wanting you while seeing the future
i know it
and for that,
i am sorry
this was written in december 2018. i have a funny and odd story to share about how this poem came to be. the inspiration behind the poem was an AP English Language and Composition class essay that i had to write about dumpsterling diving.
