Like many before me
the mirror is my enemy
it shows me things I don't want to be
it shows me a twisted image of reality

It haunts me from within
by planting hoaxes under my skin
burned to my core is the malicious grin
hatched from the depths of my mirror twin

it's been raining
like waves crashing on the sidewalk
i've been avoiding the puddles
waiting on the dawn of something i can hold
to come along and make me feel alive
again?

but the days never come easy
the morning rush only brings silence
the loneliness drags on
i've been wondering if the strangers on the bus
feel the same way
i do
are they breathing?

sleep won't come
affectionate offerings mean nothing
it could get better
but all it is
is getting worse
and all i to know
is i want to know
what it feels like
to feel hurt again
because all i feel
is nothing

so if this happens to be a rare situation
a bad dream where i'm running
a sweet dream where i cut
off everything i hate
about myself
maybe it'll turn out alright
and i'll find the feeling
to feel alive
again

i've been fighting a long time
i can't save him now
i've been fighting a long time
she can't save me now
i've been fighting a long time
i can't save me now

dear [...],

sigh

"i'm sorry that i wasn't enough

to be there for you."

but i'm scared

don't act like you care

when you don't 

i'm scarred

but those are just anecdotes

burned onto my skin

people think that there's an antidote

they tell me to stay;

wanna leave, but i don't 

it's not just another season

i just keep my mouth shut

there are too many reasons

for so long, i've been suicidal

all this weight stacked in a pile

i just hesitate when it comes to dial

it feels like i'm on trial 
i'm a burden 

everything's hurting

that ledge on the bridge, i'll revisit

i see no point to life 

i've already past my limit 

these thoughts on rewind

over and over and over again 

going over the edge

it's not a matter of if, but when 

can't deal with this pain 

only way with a gun to my head

two bullets to my brain

shooting blanks

be grateful they say, give thanks

putting time into loyalty

not enough buoyancy

i'm sinking
mind's overthinking 

sleep shrinking

time's ticking

words kicking

thoughts are sickening

lights flickering

on and off, on and off switch 

stuck in this matrix

this twisted glitch 

i ain't static

not trying to be dramatic

i was a troubled kid, always problematic

back story, a bit traumatic

always an odd one, an erratic

with the cool kids, i never fit 

the parties, they weren't "lit" 

this hub ain't a house, and 

this house don't feel like home 

walls fall apart like styrofoam 

ain't as well known as the colosseum in Rome 

who knew that 

old friends would become my new demons

and old demons would become my new friends 

stuck in these habits 

these flaws are my bad bits

those anxiety attacks are my sad fits 

they say that they'll be there

but when you need them most 

but why do i feel like 

i'm a ghost

xo-rd

naivete has always played a funny role
shifting from blessing to curse, for the better or for the worse
existing on her own selfish terms

~

I drown here silently, not wanting to be discovered
lying in my own hellish, ominous reef
of self-loathing and self-deceit

~

the cotton curtains are always drawn in this room
no flame melts wax down the candelabra
no light spills onto the quiet dining table

~

I suffocate in the air of hedonistic love
breaking mirrors, denying reflections
I cross myself out of the equation

~

there’s nothing inside this skin that looks for escape
there’s nowhere outside to promise solace
I am fragile, trapped Nothingness

You wanted freedom and now you have it
As I sit here and wonder what happened?
Our love so deep it held us together
Until the time came that we had to ask
Are we better?
Are you happy?
I hope you’re happy.

"I have this... weird feeling for you.
You wanna know how I call it?
Hate.
I hate you.
I really really really hate you.
I hate hate hate you."
I say as I break the mirror.