we read the same books.
watched movies together
and would share a salted
popcorn. 'because sweet
was always too sweet',
we'd say. i'd listen to
the sound of her voice at
four am, she'd listen
to the sound of mine ten
minutes later.

three months later, the
spark died down and
it was as if i was looking
in a mirror. changed the
angle and now i don't
like what i see. i hated
her, changed more about
me so i wouldn't be
my mirror girl.

destroyer of myself.
My blood has become purgatory,
my lips a voiceless cry.
Is this hell?

I accept me,
I know exactly who and how I am,
One would call that ‘ self-aware ’,
Though I would be the first to arrive if they ever did a self-hatred fair,
Insults of myself, I can name many,
Compliments, now that’s gonna take me a century,
If anyone ever tries to belittle me, I’d probably agree,
“No one can insult me better than me”, I’d say proudly.

Giving out love is something I’m good at,
Receiving it was always questionable ,
Feeling awkward because I never understood why,
I get that they care, it’s not that I think it’s a lie,
Just that doubts keeps piling up like bills,
And my mind has become a landfill,
Where every step I take is a step closer to my anxiety,
That will swallow me up with no mercy.

Why do I blame myself for everything?
I’m so forgiving but yet not to me?
Spreading self love, it kinda comes along with my trait of being righteous,
But I’m no where near to being the greatest,
Everyone has themselves to fall back on,
For me, it’s just a trust fall with no one to rely on,
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate myself,
I just don’t love myself.

I hate my body
I could never say
I'm happy with what I see,

I need to lose weight to be pretty
I don't believe
Being who I truly am
I'm actually happy

why should i?
Take an inch here and there
Snip away till I'm perfect
Am i beautiful now?

I have never felt right,
writing this poem.
They keep saying
that I'm "strong".
I don't feel strong.
I feel...

like ripping off my skin
wouldn't be enough
that breaking my hands
couldn't help

I feel lost.
The lion has left me.

As a child everyone was scared of the monster under the bed
That made snarky and rattling noises just when we're about to sleep
I was scared too

But then we grew up
And realized that it's all a myth

We got our heart broken
Shattered beyond repair
We got our self -esteem splintered

Soon we stopped sleeping at night
Like earlier times
But this time the monster that made noise
Was inside...

I told myself I was okay
I told myself I was happy

I told myself I did'nt need friends
I told myself I was beautiful on the inside

But who was I fooling
when I couldn't even fool myself

The dark oil seeps into my lungs
and then as fast as it came it goes
pouring out turned into the hateful words I describe myself with
drip drip drip
but it isn't oil pouring out of my mouth
it's blood pouring out of my wrists
from the cuts inflicted from self hate
from an inability to make myself feel okay
drip drip drip
unfortunately I have to patch up the cuts before all of the self hate can get out
drip drip drip
I'll wait a few days before I let it out again
I can't bleed every night