dreary days to be,
mortified of being me,
trying just to see

My heart is pacing
thudding against my ear drums
like I just ran a marathon.

I feel nauseous and light.
Breathe
But somehow this word doesn't seem to make a difference.
Breathe
But no sir seems to find a way into my lungs.
Breathe
But somehow all I find myself is being a sympathetic nervous system.
With self doubt crashing
and enveloping me.

My hands are trembling with
jittering nerves passing underlyingly.
Somehow nothing is soothing
Or calming me.

It must be beautiful to not be jealous
To just feel happiness
And joy for others
Not that small pain
In your stomach
The little shocks
In your brain
The ache
In your heart

Surrounded by people I love
Never quite sure if they love me
Not sure I'd believe that they did

Surrounded by people who care
Never quite sure if it's true
Not sure I can confide in them

Surrounded by my own thoughts
Never quite sure why they're so mean
Not sure I can disagree with them

Surrounded by pain and trauma
Never quite sure who to tell
Not sure they would stay after

There was a cloud in the sky.
I looked up and it was a heart.
It beat with the wind and took its time to grow.

You sleep in me. Silent in your dreams.
We dream together of journeys through waters and coffees and stars.
The curve of your nose is like half of a heart.

My nose isn't the right shape.

But you dream on. Oblivious and aware.
I say the words and they echo.
The vibrations fall as I do.
And you catch me. I am light enough.
To fall like a devil into the arms of an angel.

We look back down and into each other's eyes.
The cloud is no longer there.

Not one true

Just a guise  

Bid adieu  

To her flies



A self sentence,

Or so they said.

With no defense,

Dracula took her head.

Some things in ourselves are really hard to change
My main concern in life was
not being enough
for something
for my courses
I was self-doubting
I was really afraid
How could I start again after all the fun months I have spent?
How can I keep a routine?
How can I get back to study and
focus on myself?
How can I spend more hours in the library
and become more confident?
Waw how much these questions are important
And how much they involve
Every student in the world

And I answered them with other questions
Why do I need to be the best to succeed?
Shouldn’t learning be a fun thing?
Where it is all about accepting yourself
And expanding your knowledge
Why do I always feel the need to be more than I am?
Why do I have to become better?
Who said that the version of myself right now isn’t enough?
Why do I compare myself to others, to phones , to machines?
Why do we do this to ourselves setting up goals
Instead of waiting and seeing what life will offer us
Why can’t we trust that good things will happen
They can take time some time
And that’s okay
We should be patient with our fragile souls
Observe this world and see its hidden beauty

I need books to make me feel better
I need to read about a writer’s boring life
Accept life as absurd, boring and alienating as it is
Accept that everyone has a dark side
Involve emotions and feelings in everything I do or say
Let go instead of holding on