battling bits of depression when you can’t identify the cause
is fighting a force field that you parallelingly approach infinity with.
You see it, you dont see its end.
You see yourself, you know youre not going to end.
But you wish it would go away (which one?).

Fake a smile and dont talk to anyone about it
in fear of being vulnerable.
Feel your way through zones of safe
head nods and small talk until you can lie back on the couch
and be wisped away by dreams that quickly turn to nightmares.

shed a tear or two in the shower so your dog
cannot lick them from your neck.
hiding your vulnerabilities from even the most vulnerable.
breathe in the cool breeze from outside
…through a 3” opening…
in hopes of a resurgent power, but only finding a gripping need to
not. do. anything.

I guess its better when you write about it,
but now I can’t put it away… here it is —

in the open.

hello, nice to admit you.

The characters I have sired over the years,
Are layers of a ground that still isn't mine

Time runs,
Rupturing the shells as the days crumble.
And I stumble,
over and over,
over myself

To travel from light to darkness takes but the instant to blink.
To return requires an unknown path and a light worth finding.

Do you ever
Do you ever hear a phrase
That just resonates with your soul?
Something so fitting it scares you a little?
It's funny that my words never do that to me
But others' can
Perhaps it's a sign of my amateurism
But so often I write grasping for words that
Resonate like that
Because my story has more than just
One good phrase
And I'm looking for the rest
So here I am
Writing to find it

I fear my wrong thoughts will define me
I've been looking for years just to find me

I can't wait to close my eyes,
for I know when I drift away,
I will find you.

During the day you are lost to me,
eyes open and searching,
but I'm lost in a sea of people rushing past.

At night I dream of you,
and the world finally makes sense,
I'm at peace with you in my arms again.

your tenebrous image enraptures me
future’s heat brands me with you
your silhouette fills my vision
but all your features are hidden

calling to me in a voice I know
but have not yet heard
a shout made a whisper
you are so many years away

always I have known you
sensed you by your absence

I chafe and fret, anxious and
expectant of your arrival
believing it imminent

eagerly I shut my eyes to
what little I know of you
trusting as only callow
youth allows that no
more is needed
than my open arms

I see you everywhere
impetuously I give my heart
only to find no synchrony
even the lineation was wrong
each time it is not you
you are still
far from me

yet I am wrenched forward
I lurch undiscerning, heedless
pressed forever into rashness
by all consuming urgency for you

endless, fruitless searching
confusion and despair
my constant companions
lost in a torrent of nothing

like one freezing
in lingering polar night
to stop is to die, helpless
I stumble towards providence