Thinking of you

Burning in my throat
From words unsaid

Pressure behind my eyes
From the headaches

Churning in my stomach
From the disgust

Pain in my chest
From the screaming

Yearning in my heart
From missing you

Once starshine
Once iodide

For years healing
You're done healing

You hard stop
You immolate

Every word
To ember but

You made a line of fuel right to me
that I will follow

I swore I'd
Sing should you **** me

Unless you
took my tongue with you

I see you
thought sealing my mouth
with stitches

Would drown my cries

We see
See how well that worked
Now don't we?

You speak
You yell
You slam

These are the things I remember

The times of fear
The trembling of my hands
The streams of tears

These are the things I remember

The times of hatred
The fire burning
Yet I hid it
In fear
You slam
Remember?
That's what I remember

Do you remember?
I don't believe you
The hugs you gave
That drove me insane
You said it was fine
You never asked me
You asked yourself
Is it okay?
Yes
That's not what I said

Tears
I hope I left a stain
I recall all that

The times when you raised the hand
I don't recall if I felt it
The time I stared at the number on the screen
Debating
I took to long
The door opened and you were there
I never made that call
That day is when my Fear burned bright
My instincts told me to run
I was frozen
Had I run
What would you have done?
Raised your voice or your hand
Or something else
I hope I'll never know

I want to know

Are my fears justified
I can only know if I break out of my silence
Silence that screams
Run
Leave
Forget

Forgetting is what I've done so far
Repress
Suppress
Forget the times
I forget the times that would lessen my fear
Do those times even exist
I don't know
I don't care

I have to break free
A cage I've built for protection
You used it against me
To keep me where you want me
Vulnerable

Silence is screaming
All the times
I curled up
Fear
Hurt
Pain
I don't want to feel that way
Yet here I am
Silent
Staying put in fear
I can't speak
Tongue tied
Screaming Inside
Caught up in my own words
That you will never hear

Shut up
I don't care
...
Silence

Anxiety to me
is knowing how to swim
but still drowning
lost in darkness and clawing
for the slightest light
a way out
it eats me from the inside
it claws at my skin
it makes me feel I'm not worthy
it destroys my head
I wonder what it's like
to not feel this way
to wake up and say
"Everything is okay"
I wonder what it's like
to not rely on pills for sleep
to have a gentle sleep
instead of a sleep that jolts you awake
the demons are here again
they want to make me scream
anxiety to me
is one terrible dream
-m.a.