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Kelli Nov 2019
i feel you get harder
in my hand-
against the small of my back-
inside of me
as you sink your teeth deep into my flesh.
I try to hold it back
but i can't
and cries that could only be made in agony escape my throat.
I started this
but I do not want to finish it-
I have created a monster.
Kelli Nov 2019
And I bit my tongue so hard I drew blood.
Just to keep myself from kissing you.
To keep myself from pulling the sadness out of you and into me.
Out of your lips and into mine.
And I don't love you-
I can't.

-Its just that I would give my life for yours.
Kelli Nov 2018
he puts the color in my iris,
the bounce in my step,
the tea in my thermos,
the music in my head

he puts the stars in the sky-
sun in the day and moon in the night

he puts joy in my heart-
when times are tough or times are right
Kelli Oct 2018
but you don't know the feeling
of no longer being able to find the memory
of the way your lips tasted against mine
no matter how hard you concentrate
and beg your mind to remember
if only just for a moment.

and you don't know the feeling
of when you finally come to terms with that fact
only to wake up
soaked in sweat and tears,
shocked and shattered in the deepest part of your soul
by a dream that brought your lips back to mine.

-Even when I forget every last piece of you, my dreams never will
Kelli Feb 2018
You remind me of the callus on my ankle.
The rough patch of skin
where the tongue of my running shoe
rubs against my skin
every mile
of every day.

You are there.
I can still see you.
I can definitely still feel you.
Where i once was soft,
I now am hard.
Others can still see you too.
They just have to really look.
But your pain isnt as sharp anymore.
Sure, you dont feel good
and if you really pick at it,
the pain returns
and I bleed.
But the daily motion
of every step
over
and over
and over again
no longer completely demands my full attention with its agony.
Where once each breath was a knife through my heart,
there is now only a a dull pain.
Only a slight hitch in my breathing
reminds me of the hole
you punctured in my lungs.

But this callus strengthens me-
protects me-
guards me.
Strengthens me against future pain.
Protects me from the one thing
that has weakened my body the most.
Guards me
by reminding me
to never be too vulnerable
to the grinding of my shoe against my ankle
or the grating of your leaving words
against my soul.
Kelli Nov 2017
I loved him
and he broke me.

I don't know what else to say.
I can't describe the pain.
No words even begin to explain
the feeling inside of me right now.
I want to become nothing.
I want to stab myself
a hundred times.
I want to do anything-
anything to stop this pain.
I feel like death.
I feel complete emptiness
and loss
and darkness
and agony
and suffering.

How?

How could this happen
and how could he say it?
Those words...
They knocked the air from my lungs.
They drove a stake through my heart
and then twisted it
again
and again
and again
and again
and again.

Blinding
pain.

Thinking about him saying those things...
About us...
About leaving...
How did it not hurt?
How did he not feel the pain
that i feel in my chest now?

Dumbfounded .
Confused .
Broken.
Alone .
Lost .
Sick .
Sad .
Kelli Oct 2017
Missing you.

They say it ends
but I know it doesn't.

I have felt a slow change over time.
I have felt a few moments of freedom...
freedom from the crippling pain
that is dreaming of your arms wrapped around me
and waking up cold and alone.
But it never leaves completely.
It never will.
It ebbs and flows
like a river...
gentle some days,
ferocious and unrelenting others.

You'll never leave me.
Even when I am completely moved on.
Even when I've found other blissful happiness
like the kind we used to know.
Even when I'm old and grey.
You'll haunt me still.

Because you can't rid yourself of forever.
You can't rid yourself of what was supposed to be
and then wasn't.

Each day, I have to remember and readjust
to this new world
that is not ours together.
I know that many years from now
I'll still wake up in the middle of the night
screaming because I've returned to a life without you.
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