I am not a violent dog.
I know not why I bite.
Fear is not an emotion.
I do not feel fear in my head.
Fear lies in my gut.
As my shoulders tense,
and the hair on the back
of my neck is raised,
I feel fear.

Loud head. Silent mouth.
Loud thoughts. Empty words.
Loud pain.
Screaming, deafening pain.
Numbness.

I’ve done it again.

I’ve let him take you, screaming, kicking, and crying.

Standing in the hallway I put on my armor and prepare for battle. My station - in front of your cracked bedroom door.

Even though I am scared, I am used to this. This armor has weighed on me since you were old enough to talk. I became your shield, your champion, your guard. Nobody can hurt you when I’m around.

And when I start my advance, I am hit with a dark, frantic, gaze that freezes me mid stride; sending chills down my spine, and my only way in vanishes instantly with a muted wooden slam.

I failed. I failed. I failed. I FAILED.

I really believed I could save you. That my words would actually make him stop this time. But I am small, and he is big, and scary, and violent.

And I am nothing.

I have a close friend named fear
He lives and whispers in my ear

He wakes me up, he keeps me trying...
He keeps me living, prevents me from dying

He makes me work, He let me strive
He keeps the guilt in my heart alive

He's like a bond
He makes me bold
Even in my dreams
I'm getting bombed

He makes me scared
He makes me hate
He's the reason today i ate

My friend fear is always near
He tells me run to the bathroom
when i drink to much beer

He makes me fear what i can't see
He gets me anxious, he makes me wanna ***..

I feel like I'm carrying a lot.
No. I know I'm carrying a lot.
I myself can't seem to handle it all,
So is it fair to expect someone else to?
Is it fair to the one that'll claim to love all of me?

I tried it a few times, this love thing
I ended because "I have too much going on" they said.
Yeah I know.
I know this part of me wasn't included in the contract when you signed up
So I let you go without a fuss

Is it fair to put someone where I don't want to be
Is it fair to want someone to be here with
I'm scared for them, I'm scared for me.
But I tired and don't want to be alone anymore
So I tried the casual thing, but it's never casual when it comes to the matters of the heart
How can the already broken be broken.

your true colours remind me of my old bruises
the hues, the truth stuck in my throat
the feeling of being useless
your truth cannot rectify the divide inside
the echoing of inner child cries
the pain is stuck inside
choking on my insecurities
you were supposed to be my security
the foundation is weak
too scared to speak
choking on my impurity
will you still stay through the grey?
when i rain, will you hide away?
strive today for a idyllic place
to lay my head, to plan, protect
to understand your hands
as soft not violent
as truth not sufficing
why is my heart so divided?
can we make amends?

"I love you"

I love you more

"I miss you"

I miss you too

"We need to talk"

What did I do?

"It's me, not you"

Is it really?

*no response

Clutching my chest
I can’t breath
I can’t see
I can’t be
Me