I walked into
An old building
Vacant yet
Lived in

I opened
Door after door
Peering into
New air

I realized
I was searching
For what was
To be

There were
No windows
On the doors
For a reason

I could not peer
Into the future
The past
Was futile

There was
No knowing
Left only to patterns
Or engagement

I could stop
Walking
The corridors
Of this wood abode

One more door
To go
What was next
Solitude or sorrows

As I stood alone
I met the room
With nothing to lose
No compass for death

I could be in the smallest room in the world and still feel small
I could be in the most open of fields and still see walls
I'm tiny, hunched down
Humility, but worse now
I'm drowning, but they love me
On the ground, it's killing me
But I still look up
Waiting for the sky
To
Fall
On
Me
There are waves on ceiling and they're stuck on green
Don't care for flowers so I picked dead leaves
There's a roof in my leak and stars on my wall
Pineapple lights but they won't turn on
There are words in my chest
And a man in my closet
Who throws my clothes off their hooks
Tells me to be honest
"Let that little girl out.
Turn the lights on.
Smile for more than a moment.
Or you'll be stuck in the smallest room in the world
Feeling small."

I was sent
to a dark room
From your words.
Littered on the couch
Spilled into the air
Dark-like smells
smudging and
Textures touching
With antipathy for being futile.
       Irrelevant.
That artifact of darkness

I know the unlit
The heavy
      immovable monolith of despair.
Fence sitting for days
In Wait for a shape of
intentional light.
Incremental, as it
Fractured the silence.
That burrowed through
Despondent dirt
down Here.

I saw you flick past
a sliver of
Shiny coins
Alarmed by their details,
Lost in remnants
Of absurdity
As the cloudless score
rounded the sharp
        edges
That softened
        your eyes
       as you peeked outside.

in the silence of my room… I
dance the loudest,
pray the longest
cry the ugliest,
laugh the modest,
dream the youngest,
stare at empty walls for promise,
break down the strongest,
overthink within a guilty conscience,
play out my scenarios worthy of their flowers
planting fields of doubt for all my anxieties
to have a fruitful harvest

in the silence of my room… I
am truly at my honest.

music is playing in the other room
music playing
in another room
music
in another room playing
a tune
disturbing my mood
from another room
invading my space
from somewhere else
another room
music
SHUT UP!!

i’m sitting in my empty room
where dreams run dry

i’m tossing in my empty room
so desperate for shuteye

i sit here in my room so cold
with heat turned on
by the glowing moon

i’ve seen this moon too many now
i often think we’re friends, oh wow!
but musn’t i be dumb to think
or ponder what my new friend speaks

or does he speak
for he’s the moon
he speaks to me
a silent tune.

I looked at nothing today.
After an hour
It asked,
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
I, of course, didn’t expect this.
I thought I may have
Been staring at someone on accident.
Though, It was just me here,
And I suppose someone else.

Another hour passed,
As I continued staring at nothing,
And suddenly, I felt eyes
Right connected to mine.
-They felt spiteful.
“Doesn’t feel so good, huh?”
“I.. suppose not,” I said.
So I blinked.
I regained focus on the
Darkness in front of me.
Weird.
I looked at nothing today.

Being back home, in my childhood room is like climbing into a time capsule. I left for college quickly, back in ‘21 and I’ve only been back here once, briefly.

My closets are still full of my old high school clothes and there are shelves that line the upper walls of my room with maybe a hundred “Disney Princess” collectable statues (my favorite is Ariel).

I have one wall space behind my bathroom door that has a hundred yellow stickies on it - reminders of old assignments and quotes like, “Do you hate drama or create drama?” and “Imagine your future.”

Everything seems carbon dated. It gives me an impeccable, knife-like sense of ennui. I want to cherish it all or burn it all, depending on the time of day. I went to take down my old Humphry Bogart and Billie Eilish posters yesterday and Kim said “Noo,” in such a sad way that I stopped.

Hold on, let’s overthink this.

I had a hard conversation today. I broke the news to my cats (Belichick and Tom Brady) that school starts at the end of the month, and I have to go back.

They took it well, I think. You know how cats are. I’ll know in a day or two, if their good will has turned to sour offense - they'll claw something up.

Belichick seems to be watching me extra closely though.
.
.
Songs for this:
Lava by Still Woozy
Can't Hardly Wait by The Replacements
.
08.01.3PM

Procreate all of our conversations;  
to produce life in their endless longing words.

You, my beloved, hold a coveted title; as every time I speak
of you, my words are filled with a true and unyielding love,
that resounds ecstatically throughout any room.

For every conclusion of my speech, should leave
no doubt in your mind. Knowing without any hesitation
or reservation, that I love you – wholly, completely,
and unconditionally.