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ashw Jan 19
Do others feel like this every time?
As if it’s something of actual substance,
A real reason to yearn,
A real reason to hunger,
As if for another form of sustenance.
Do others feel like this with a passing glance?
As if you’ve known them from the start,
A true sense of familiarity,
A true sense of belonging,
As if they’ve always weighed on your heart.
Do others feel like this every time?

I never had.
ashw Oct 2020
a moment of joy
a millisecond of reflection
a pang of -remorse?
a flooding of tears
a deep breath of collection
an acceptance of fate
a surge of determination smother any lingering hope
ashw Aug 2020
The path ahead seemed narrow;
One objective, therein one route.
My naivete to myself inconceivable,
Onto others I cast all my doubt.
My own vision, my own reality -
Unchecked, unquestioned…immutable?
Can something that seems so right to me
To others seem unsuitable?
My perspective is not reality,
The opposite may be the case.
A new truth so brazen before me,
I have no option but to fall from grace.
What once I clung to with certainty
Is now tainted with regret and shame.
How can I make the right choice
When a truth and a lie seem exactly the same?
ashw Jul 2019
I have nothing else -
Not one person close to me.
Only ever ostensibly known,
Via some overrated reality.
Truthfully, a manufactured facade-
Beneath, a much less pretty wasteland.
I want my real self to be known,
Have all my understandings understood.
First I must find the right words,
But they always pale in comparison.
There’s no real description, it seems
Of our inner-most workings,
Even here I pause as my depiction stutters.
I wish I could just bequeath my mind
And have my soul be exposed;
For someone to retrieve my thoughts
And need no explanation.
If I can’t emit my true visage,
If only I can see color,
Then I have no hope for completion,
And the loss is overwhelming.
ashw Jun 2019
the omittance of a standard
the justification of an action
the realness of pain

and still I laugh
ashw Sep 2017
I put on a facade to prolong my good name,
A glimpse of reality would prove me a fool.
There are decisions I made with gusto, no less
That have withered my soul; a constant weight on my chest.

And to think it all done with others in mind,
Making paramount choices with no thought of myself.
My naive urge to impress was too strong to resist
So, for the approval of others I now barely exist.

And it kills me to know that I could have had more,
More than these miserable minutes I somehow survive.
Even with words I cannot fully describe
The pain that I feel and constant regret I abide.

And I still have the option to take it all back,
Which hurts all the more because I know that I won't,
My pride would never let me unveil my tears
Or reveal to the world even my small, petty fears.

So, I must carry on the only way I know how:
By reminding myself it all comes to an end;
Death will enclose me and my so-called "existence" will shatter,
Right after I realize that nothing ever truly mattered.
ashw Nov 2015
I find myself on uncertain ground,
Straddling an impossible horizon.
On one side is day, where my consciousness thrives
On the other is night, where fatigue claims its prize.

For years, it seems, I have longed for sleep,
For a reprieve from wakefulness, and the sun’s piercing light,
But now, as I stand astride this unlikely fission,
I fear what awaits within night’s unyielding prison.

The darkness has beckoned, calling me forth
Even now, its sweet siren reigns down on my soul,
Oh, how easy, to just close my eyes and let my thoughts be consumed,
The promise of nothingness nearly impossible to refuse.

But my silhouette on the ground reminds me of light,
And I owe it to myself, past and future alike
To reconsider day and all it provides,
Before I make a choice, here, where two opposites collide.

I can remember hope, and the anticipation of greatness,
But also despair and nights spent alone.
Laughter and desire, pitted against resentment,
An ever-tipping balance between dissatisfaction and contentment.

No, it’s just not enough for me to fully commit,
I’d much prefer blackness and its long-awaited calm,
Yes...I will forget about day and its promise of grief,
Instead, I’ll take night and its selfless offer of relief.

Just one step forward and I'll be forever engulfed in silence,
But first I’ll rest here for just one second longer-
I need to say goodbye to day and pay respects to light,
Then I'll go forth, and forget this place where day leads unto night.
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