I’ve told you this before...
but i think of you a lot.
it’s not really intentional,
its just that
everything reminds of you.

when i see a flower-
i think of how good you look in the color pink.

when i think of economics, or politics, i think of you-
because i know how interested you are in those subjects.

when i stare at people for long enough-
their faces start to morph into yours.
and thats why i don’t like to go out anymore.
because everywhere i go,
i see you.
i see you in the scribbles in my journals,
and in the cracks on the sidewalks,
i see you when i press a button in an elevator,
and when I’m filling out a form to sign up for the sats?
don’t ask me why,
because i don’t know...
i just know that it happens.

i know that i know things about you that no one else does.
and you know things about me that no one else does.
you know things about me i wouldn’t want anyone else to know.
i trust you like that.
i think of you as a safe house,
a place where i know that things will be good
eventually.
at least-
i like to hope so.

everytime i see a german shepard i see you
evertime i hear scripture i hear you
everytime i smell **** i smell you
everytime i touch a keyboard i feel you
everytime i taste hot cocoa i taste you
everytime i feel love i feel you
how am i supposed to forget you when you are in everything i do?

I know what to do with the polaroids we took over the holidays--
I can burn them.

I know what to do with the seven t-shirts, two sweatshirts, and one jersey you gave me to sleep in and wear while we held each other in bed every night for three years--
I can throw them away.

I know what to do with the necklace you gave me when you visited me, the bracelet you gave me for our six months and the earrings you bought me when we fought last year on my birthday--
I can sell them.

But I don't know what to do with your voice ringing in my head, saying I love you, and then I hate you.

But I don't know what to do with the image of your eyes lighting up when I would greet you at the airport, and then of your arms hesitating to hug me the last time we would ever see each other.

But I don't know what to do with the thought of you holding someone else and giving them your t-shirt to sleep in after a long night in.

And I don't know what to do with the memories. Three years of memories. Of loving you, of you loving me. Of holding you, of you holding me. Of fighting. Of every moment I caught my breath to make sure we were real and then of every moment I wished you hadn't lied or cheated or done something hurtful. Of every little thing that made me want you and want to get away from you all at the same time.

What do I do with all of that?

Me

From where we are
Or where we're going
We could be anything
Anything at all

Her*

Not shaking*

It's just my brilliance
Trying to get out

i.
your hands are too rough
for a boy with a heart
as soft as yours.

ii.
let your soul and spirit flow
from your eyes and from your lips
it's okay if someone notices.

iii.
you can learn what it feels like to fall
gentle and warm in the hands
of someone else. mine are always open.

iv.
you don't have to be scared of breaking open;
i will hold you so tight that all your broken pieces
will come back together again.

v.
the person you were before this
is still living in you, hiding behind your eyelids.
i'm sure he likes the view.

vi.
you are a hurricane.
you are the universe in full force.
you are loved and loved and loved.

Night comes ardent, as I am
        sneaking wanting
      ghostly shadows in the darkness,
        inside I'm
        peering, haunting
      the task at hand, is very daunting,

     The glowing moon, thick like a coat
      whispered in the words you quote
         And sung and every poignant note
  
         A pressing face, a glassy window
         I watch you as you sleep,
        come in like a wanton spirit
       my fingers grasp,  descending deep,

          A spine chilling spell,
           is laid & cast
          I know this breath
          will be your last,
        written in a heart that's glassed,

        Left on beaches in a bottle
        broken said like Aristotle
          no time to wait,
       ... no time to dawdle,

     I lie above & watch you there,
     I stroke your face & stroke your hair,
     showing you how much I care,
      something I would never dare,

      Lifting up the lockets clasp,
     as demons play a retched rasp
     draw to hear the breathless gasp

      As you take a final breath
         & lips so sweet,
         are kissed by death
        I lift you up into my arms
     safe from pain & earthly harms,
     surrendered to a haunting charm,

      Look into my eyes to see
     your every loving memory
     hold me close Ma Dear Cherie,

     With open windows of your soul
       & reaching your desired goal
       a broken heart is finally whole,

       Getting down on bended knee
       & as your wings turn feathery
         you take my hand,
         say hear my plea,
          "I love you too,
           my love to thee
         thank you, as you set me free,
         come follow me to Paradise
         my soul for you I'd sacrifice,
         spare no cost, the steepest price"...

     Lovely man, you look so troubled
      I ferry you, to Mr. Hubble
    I lifted you from 'neath the rubble

   I am not allowed ahead to go
   this is something you should know,
   like the wisdom of the blackened crow

     I show you to the brilliant light
     reward for such a noble fight,
     as this will be your maiden flight
   you have more than earned the right,
    an angel heard your poets plight,

     Enter through the big white gates
      because this is love, & this is Fate
       always knew we'd keep the date        
       no more need for you to wait,

      No more sadness fills your days
      your living in the lovely rays,
      no sharper coin that you could pay

     I must go, & bid adieu
    thank you for the love we knew,
     your kisses sweet like morning dew
     my love for you forever true
      a knot we tied cannot undue

    I'll see you there again one day
    I hope you hear these words I say
     in fields of wheat your spirit plays

     The vault of heaven, open wide
      so leave your coat & go inside
     & Earthly fears, including pride
        listen as the angels sigh
     my waving hand, is not goodbye
     & not one tear you've left to cry

    This is where your soul is calm
     set in ease in groves of balm,
     sing you in a peaceful  psalm
  
     I leave you here this corridor,
    abiding love behind the door
    a promise bled, a promise swore
    as so many, gone before

   I wait in patience, a thorny crown
    back to Earth my soul is bound
   returned you are without a sound,
    another day has come and gone
   I must be there, the coming dawn
  though in your arms, where I belong    
         I wait again, for death.

           Cherie Nolan© 2016

I can't sit at a table anymore without seeing you in the seat next to me
I can't tie my shoe anymore without thinking of you getting mad at how slow I do it
I can't listen to music anymore because every song sounds like you
I can't sleep because you were my only motivation to wake up in the morning
I lie to myself every morning to get myself through the rest of the day,
"I'm over you"
But in reality my feelings for you have only gotten stronger