'you’re the greatest love of my life', he said.
age eighteen,
wind in your hair,
going 80 on the motorway,
and you were in free fall
whilst he was laying down roots.

flash forward, and he was crying.
branches swaying in the breeze.
'you’re the greatest heartbreak of my life', he said.
and you felt a pang, a twinge, on your heartstrings
whilst he lay his heart on his sleeve,
your eyes dry,
whilst his were weeping.

flash back, to your hand in his,
swinging in the stagnant air of summer,
a light smile on your face,
a burning intensity in his eyes.
your laugh tinkled in the air,
whilst he gripped your hand tighter.
but it was hot, and your hand was sweaty,
and your grip loosened,
and your hand slipped out of his,
and his smile fell.

'you’re the greatest loss of my life', he said
over the phone, voice low and raw.
and you blinked and felt nothing,
whilst he claimed to feel everything.
didn’t he see, how couldn’t he see,
that you were nothing new?
i guess he never knew you at all.

to the present, to the now,
your eyes catch his across a crowded room,
a glimpse of the past,
a snapshot of before
before he drops his eyes,
and he raises his hand,
intertwined with another’s.
you float over the room like a ghost
and your ears pick up his words,
-'she’s the greatest love of my life', he says,
and he raises their hands,
he kisses the bunched rope of fingers and palms,
and she’s smiling,
she’s beaming,
and his eyes burn intensely,
and he roots his hand in hers,
and his heart shines out of his chest,

and finally you understand his words.
'you are the love of my life.'
it was wishful thinking, an affirmation thrown into the air,
but the wind blew and it struck the wrong person,
an actor who wasn’t up to play the role.

because he was wrong.
never the love of my life,
and the words echo now,
that I wasn’t the love of his,
either.
a breeze blew and hair flew across my eyes,
and his laugh echoed across the space between us,
and i smiled
and my chest ached
and my heart wept
but he smiled back.

Sometimes I doubt
If I truly loved them
As much as
I could have.

But I know I did—
These tears are proof.

i dont like the feelings you give me
like discarded gifts with ripped wrapping paper,
a "sorry" and a promise for more later.
anger builds like a carpenter early in the morning
restructuring and stabilizing walls i put up
for people like you, and i knew but here i am.
always relying on the world outside myself
to lend a hand. and *******, can i breathe please?
suffocating on everything you think i should be
where's the spiritual audit?
where's karma?
where's the righteous accounting for being everything i said i was, for not doing the things you think i did, and for not dying.
no cameras to show how ****** up this all is,
no one to hold my hand tightly as they say what i really needed to hear two years ago:
NOT THIS ONE.

Hey, I don’t even know where to start, because no words feel big enough to describe how much I’ve missed you.

Life without you hasn’t been the same, it hasn’t even felt like life.

I’ve carried you in my thoughts every single day, and no matter how much time has passed, I’ve never stopped loving you.  

I know I hurt you, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I see now, more than ever, the weight of my mistakes, and I don’t want to be the person who caused you pain.

I won’t make excuses for myself, because the truth is, I should have done better, I should have treated you like the treasure you are.  

After we parted ways, life lost its spark.

I got caught up in things that only made it worse, things I thought could numb the ache of losing you.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, could replace the light you brought into my life.

I don’t want to be stuck in that darkness anymore.

I want to change, not just for myself, but because I refuse to live another day knowing I let the best thing in my life slip away.  

I love you beyond words, beyond time, beyond space.

If the universe itself were a container, my love would spill out and keep growing, because you are everything to me.

And if there’s even the slightest chance that you still feel something for me, I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I am ready, to fight for you, to cherish you, to love you the way you deserve.  

I need you back, but more than that, I want to be the person who makes you happy again.

I know I may not deserve another chance, but I’m asking, hoping,that you’ll give me one.