See you with her, made me realize that I'm not your special girl anymore.
See you hold hands with her made me think that it was my hand you're holding before.
That hug of yours that once to be my home,
that laugh that once we shared together
and,
you that once to be mine.
See you happy with her...
that way I can convince myself that I'm no longer the love of your life anymore.
I'm no longer the reason behind your fast heart beating
and
that way I can convince myself to accept the fact that I could never be in that place that I used to be.
I'm now letting you go.
Believe me, I love you.
But I guess,
she can love you more.

I woke up one day saying,
"I'm tired"
tired of waiting for you to come back,
tired of loving you know you don't love me anymore,
tired of whispering I miss you so much.
I just realized one day...
that I want to be happy too just like you. With her.
because waiting for you is like wishing to fly in the sky without wings. "Impossible."
Loving you still is too much. No, it's not too much.
It's foolishness.
I can't pretend anymore.
I'm tired of crying every night.
I'm tired of believing myself that you will come back to me anytime.
I'm tired of saying I miss you.
I'm tired of loving you.
I want to be happy too.

Apparently it's wrong for the girl in the leather jacket to be the most innocent in the room
I don't mean she doesn't know bad things go bump in the night, and the day, and in every alley you look in
I mean she still believes there is good in the world
But apparently she can't think that
Because society has said that because she wears a leather jacket and is six foot tall she can't be innocent
What they don't know is the leather jacket is her coat of arms against the big bad world
It's the weapon that goes well with her height
The height and black leather are quite the pair that become her
But society also thinks that leather is synonymous with bad and bad must mean she's a liar
But the thing is she doesn't lie that often, only once in a blue moon
But they don't believe that to be true
Because apparently it's a lie too
Maybe this time it's not the leather
Maybe it's the makeup she wears everyday
Because that must be hiding something
It has to be a disguise
But the only thing it hides is a cup
In an ocean of her insecurities
So instead it might be her heavily eyelined eyes
The ones where she uses eyeshadow to shadow some of the storm in her eyes
Because people are afraid of the shadow of a storm they still see
She's found that they love it too though
People often love to stare at things they think are dangerous and beautiful
The kicker is the dangerous part
People stay away from that, whether it's really dangerous or not
So they stare and they talk behind her back
She knows this because people have told her
Weird thing is that she hasn't heard anything hurtful about her
Maybe it's okay though
Because momma always said children are to be seen and not heard
And I guess that's true because I haven't really been heard in a long time
Maybe it's all okay though
Maybe one of these days they'll recognize her name when they come across it in their magazine or news feed or whatever else they're reading
Maybe people will finally realize that everything about her is so much more than a leather jacket, her height, stormy-blue eyes, and blonde hair
Maybe they'll find out once and for all that blondes are smart too
They might discover this when they read one of her poems, or books,
Hear one of her quotes,
See one of her paintings or drawings,
Maybe even a sculpture or two,
When they hear one of her songs
Or one of the thousand other things she loves to do
They'll realize they saw her everyday and walked the same halls as her
Maybe even shared a class or two with her
Or maybe those won't be the things they realize
Maybe they'll see that those long legs carried her out of the small town
That everyone talks and dreams about leaving
But never actually get the chance to
It won't happen for two or three more years though
It's okay
It will just give you more time to learn my name
And realize that apparently this girl that you judged solely based upon her looks is so much more than that

what did we do?
where did we go wrong?
god, why did you let me throw it all away?
why didn't you stop me before it was too late?

why didn't i realize i was a fool before i lost the one thing that actually mattered? why didn't i stop and try to figure out how to love myself before trying to love someone else? why didn't i stop in the midst of the passion to ask myself what kind of person i was? why didn't i realize what this was doing to her before it was too late?

but she's gone now and i've lost the one thing that can't be bought. i've lost the one thing that can't be sold, that can't be found in the supermarket.

i've lost my spirit. she has it now and i'm not sure i want it back. because a spirit lost is a spirit changed and skewed and i'm scared to look at my naked spirit again. i'm scared of what i'll find, missing and scattered, tattered and torn amist this jar of hearts.

i've caught a cold from the ice inside my spirit and she's gone. she doesn't want me anymore. she doesn't even want my spirit but she doesn't have a choice, does she? once heartbroken, always heartbroken and the one who broke a spirit can't fix it, or so the story goes.

Every word from her mouth envokes sadness,
and it’s like everything to her is something to worry about
All her voice does is draw out pity
And she’s so used to comfort
And pity
And pain
That I don’t think she knows what happiness tastes like

And I’m on the other end of the line
Wondering why everyone else calls me when they cry
And needs me when they’re upset
I wonder if it’s because I am the same
If I am someone who drains the happiness out of the people I know
***** it out like venom

And I think about the life I have lived so far
And the lives I have really touched
And I feel out of touch

If I feel anything at all


I do feel something, something small
then nothing at all

My stomach feels full
My eyes feel heavy
heart it numb

Too many times
I've cried
Over poems
I write
About the sadness
That lies
Inside the shadows
Of life
It's now time
To realize
The moon does
Produce light
And my walls
Say goodbye
As I embrace
The night

I try to envelope
My hope
In something translucent
Succulent it may be
But fading in glory
A pond of koi fish
Bright as can be
Drawing me in
Yearning my release
My hunger evolves,
Silky brush of youth
Bittersweet satisfaction
In coating the truth
Light strips me white
As I'm pale for all to see
The scars, the pain
Fragility inside me

We all crave that Permanent happiness you know

            it can only come from inside though.

Not from eating ice cream,
                                        buying new shoes,
                    hearing a joke,
Kissing a mate,
                                         Swimming in a lake,
Living in a bigger house,
                     Or Driving a fancier car.

*The more we rely on the material world for happiness ,
the further we dig ourselves into an endless pit.
For when one thing is gained, example that car,
you are temporarily satisfied.
Then a new want arises ,
a new goal that makes you think
" okay when I get THaT THEENN I will be happier"

And so it continues until you never settle with your idea of happiness.

Thus it is good to realize sooner rather than later- that true happiness is just a misleading term for absolute contentment .

Such Contentment that you learn to take the bad as you take the good. Always remaining in the middle, unaffected by any external matter.
You always looked pleased.
You never desire more.
You take what you get, enjoy it gratefully,
if you get more you are pleased-
if you do not get a single bit more,
would you know it-you're still pleased.

It is brilliant really, and so simple.
The goal is never to be happy.
The goal is be contented.
At least it should be.
Me thinks..