Love?
Hope?
Faith?
All the same..
Do they exist?

i dont like the feelings you give me
like discarded gifts with ripped wrapping paper,
a "sorry" and a promise for more later.
anger builds like a carpenter early in the morning
restructuring and stabilizing walls i put up
for people like you, and i knew but here i am.
always relying on the world outside myself
to lend a hand. and *******, can i breathe please?
suffocating on everything you think i should be
where's the spiritual audit?
where's karma?
where's the righteous accounting for being everything i said i was, for not doing the things you think i did, and for not dying.
no cameras to show how ****** up this all is,
no one to hold my hand tightly as they say what i really needed to hear two years ago:
NOT THIS ONE.

how holy it is
to be the reason someone tastes like ruin.

it is true 5.31.25 (10:03 pm / 22:03)
it is true i wished to die,
and perhaps so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all
prisoners?

it is true that my first thought
on a balcony was how far the fall
and not how beautiful the view
is this not lawful for all those trapped?

i am a bird in a cage
the key is sitting just outside

i am the swan with clipped wings
leda of sparta
no longer a girl
but still unable to fly away and escape

it is true,
it is true,
it is true

it is true i wished to fly,
and so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all birds?

[playing: softly by clairo]

I wake up creaking,
stiff and wanting to cry,
from pain or sadness,
I'm not sure.
I wake up not here:
still dancing in lilac fields
where nothing seems to matter,
where you disappear
and my stress follows.
I wake up not wanting to;
wishing I could turn over
and rock myself back to oblivion.
I wake up cursing
and I know it's a new day.
I know the sun comes back around
but fate seems like a *******
and it won't let me in
am I going to be great
or am I just here?
I wake up waiting.

"what we don't need in the midst of struggle
is shame for being human"
I have learned to keep my feelings
to myself
I have been taught that
my struggles are shameful
or attention seeking
but that is not the case
being shamed made me feel
like my emotions weren't valid
or that it wasn't something
that should be talked about
but that is not something
to be taught to children
cuz emotions are valid
feelings and coping skills
are valid
but you can't grow and heal
if you won't allow yourself
to express how you feel
you'll just struggle more
is you ignore those feelings
it is not shameful
to feel what you feel
the people who made you
feel that way
should be shamed
for hindering you from healing

When existing is the same as breathing in water
Drowning, sinking to the bottom of the deepest sea
As the sun gets tired from making everyone else shine
And dips her weakened toes into the depths of what is
Slipping past what could be and slumbering
At the edge of every river i’ve cried
Trying to be more than the dead end of the void.

As Roosevelt said,
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Six simple words—
struck something deep,
A truth felt,
But never named.

We measure ourselves
against strangers and friends alike,
whispering,
“I want what they have.”
And just like that,
our joy slips through the cracks.

Comparison breeds envy,
envy turns to bitterness.
“Why them? Why not me?”
we ask,
as if fairness follows longing.

But truth is—
they’re likely looking back at you,
thinking
the *******
same