i just wanted something normal
something that made life make a little more sense
but since you have no inkling on the meaning
of what peace is
and love seems to be the bane of your existence
insistent on making me suffer you.
my love for you, a redeeming quality
to be a blessing for a curse
each day seems to be worse
with a random sparkling moment
just to hold me hostage longer.
i thought i was stronger
and you seem to brighten when i fail to enlighten;
when i am my vulnerable self.
who hurt you?
because now you are the poster child for why i need to heal.
and theres nothing gracious about breaking:
clawing me down just to prove you're real.

i didn’t want to,
but i wrote anyway.
cracked open
like a shell,
flooding with memory.

some words
arrive as if they’ve waited
their whole lives
to be read.

Fighting not to drown
in the whirlpool
of torturous thoughts
twisting
my slowly breaking mind.

"Stay away from the people who behave or talk sweetly.
Sugar is injurious to health even sugar-coated words."

Love?
Hope?
Faith?
All the same..
Do they exist?

i dont like the feelings you give me
like discarded gifts with ripped wrapping paper,
a "sorry" and a promise for more later.
anger builds like a carpenter early in the morning
restructuring and stabilizing walls i put up
for people like you, and i knew but here i am.
always relying on the world outside myself
to lend a hand. and *******, can i breathe please?
suffocating on everything you think i should be
where's the spiritual audit?
where's karma?
where's the righteous accounting for being everything i said i was, for not doing the things you think i did, and for not dying.
no cameras to show how ****** up this all is,
no one to hold my hand tightly as they say what i really needed to hear two years ago:
NOT THIS ONE.

how holy it is
to be the reason someone tastes like ruin.

it is true 5.31.25 (10:03 pm / 22:03)
it is true i wished to die,
and perhaps so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all
prisoners?

it is true that my first thought
on a balcony was how far the fall
and not how beautiful the view
is this not lawful for all those trapped?

i am a bird in a cage
the key is sitting just outside

i am the swan with clipped wings
leda of sparta
no longer a girl
but still unable to fly away and escape

it is true,
it is true,
it is true

it is true i wished to fly,
and so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all birds?

[playing: softly by clairo]

I wake up creaking,
stiff and wanting to cry,
from pain or sadness,
I'm not sure.
I wake up not here:
still dancing in lilac fields
where nothing seems to matter,
where you disappear
and my stress follows.
I wake up not wanting to;
wishing I could turn over
and rock myself back to oblivion.
I wake up cursing
and I know it's a new day.
I know the sun comes back around
but fate seems like a *******
and it won't let me in
am I going to be great
or am I just here?
I wake up waiting.