your fan sounds like rain on a window pane through the speaker on my phone as you’ve fallen asleep on video call for what could be the hundredth time, i’ve lost count of how many nights we’ve done this
since we were 16, we have done this, year after year
the sound does not bother me though, and i do not hang up
instead, i pretend you’re beside me as i listen to your breathing
it is steady, rhythmic
it seems that everything you do, you do beautifully, it’s so hard not to stare
you make music when you speak, a pattern in your syllables imprinting on my brain
you see, you make music for a living, but my favorite songs are the way you run your fingers through your hair instead of brushing it
the way your brows furrow when reading an email
how every time you put on a hat, it’s tilted slightly to your left
the fact that each time we kiss, you always peck my lips after and smile a toothy grin
when you laugh and your eyes crinkle up at the corners
your attention to detail, color coordination, aesthetics
how you always make sure to remind everyone you talk they should drink more water,
i love falling asleep listening to you
i listen to the music you make when you aren’t even trying

"Don't ruin it by talking"
I tell her as we watch my lava lamp

was it too soon
as the leaves changed we did too
that's when I noticed it, talking to my mom
I realized that things were bad since
they grew back

am I using this new girl, that's her favorite show
her warmth? her presence? her kindness?
but what I know is
you only stopped chewing your nails
when I wasn't there

these answers
if I know they don't
show up in my tears then, why, why
do I keep searching for them there
the answer to

what am I trying to replace?
as we watch my lava lamp
your warmth? your presence? your kindness?
but what I know is

right now
it isn't you.

The only time I ever smiled was with you
Your presence the sole thing able to coax out a laugh
I regret putting my happiness in your hands to hold
Now it's trapped inside a fading photograph

No one knows how my soul searches for you during the darkest night
Or how my feet gravitate towards your street on the regular
The air cold like your soul caresses my skin

The sounds of guitars and melodies decorating the streets in the distance
My starving heart aches to be fed by your presence

No one knows, truly knows
The scar you've left on my existence

I am embracing
The past and its memories
And the future and it’s many possibilities
The disbelief of this dream
That happiness is only when you’re with me
That happiness loses sense as you leave
And I’ve come to understand the power enabled in me
As I realize that happiness will find me
Even without you here