It radiates out of us,
Creeping through our skin,
Out of our throats and fingers.
It kills us so slowly that we
don't notice it is pain,
When it makes us so happy
we overdose on it,
We give it to other people
Or take it all for ourselves.

Love will surely **** us.

My therapist made me cry once
He kept prodding "tell me about her, tell me how she died"
A lump formed in my throat
And that night began to play over and over again
"There's not much to tell"
He didn't back down,
he had already burrowed beneath my skin
My tongue felt like a noose:
My words betraying my best friend
I had become so frightened to talk about her
That I began to simplify her into a nothingness
"I don't want to talk about her today"
"It happened so long ago I don't remember much" (Lie)
"What's got you down today, court?" "Nothing."
"It's okay to cry sometimes you know.."
"I don't need to cry. I'm stronger than that"
She became the "nothing" and "I'm fine" to all of the "whats wrong's"
My tongue had formed a noose and somehow slipped around the neck of Erin
She didn't just die that night,
She died inside me too.
I deleted every memory of her, every trace
My mind flooded with thoughts about her,
Until finally the silence was too much for him...
"Keep going Courtney, you're making so much progress"
This time my tongue did not betray her,
It only betrayed me as words slipped out of my mouth
It happened in such an eerie way;
I watched the words slowly roll off my lounge
And just before I could swallow them back down they vanished before me
Warm tears fell onto my denim jeans
As he finished speaking I stood up and reached for the door handle
Finally, it was over.
But just as I slipped out his office he offered me 5 more words,
"This is just the beginning."

She seemed so distantly broken.
Haunted shadows lurk in dark corners,
waiting for the slight curve of her smile,
the first sign of happiness,
to attack.
Crashing her world down around her,
I offer my hand to pull her out
of the familiar rubble,
scooping her up in my arms,
searching for safe ground
where the suicide bombers of depression
won’t be able to touch her.
Fear raged through her body
like fever and overdose.
Worlds spinning circles,
colors blurring
and behind
hazy eyes
shallow breaths.
Sticking graves into the tortured hollows
of the chambers of the heart.
She is limb against my body
and I know that standing will not
be easy,
but I am strong enough for you
to lean on.
The backbone that will keep you upright,
for I am one of the few
parts of yourself that you love,
and I have never needed you more.
A screaming ambulance arrives
and paramedics flushing
your veins full of
IV bags with hope.
Clearing the poison of your system left behind
by the touch of demons
who have been haunting you for five years.
But I have known you my entire life.
Small girl, curly hair,
chipped nail polish,
black eye makeup.
I can instantly recognize you
as myself.
Brought together by chance,
in a classroom used as a safety base
for life’s game of tag that kept hitting us.
About ready to quit,
we were offered the chance
to love ourselves and eachother.
And through that discovery, this game
became so much easier to play
once we can double team it.
Quickly developed a love
you do not find in romantic relationships.
A comfort that lies solely in the unbreakable
bond of twins.
Spilled secrets
over steaming mugs
of raspberry tea.
Late night talks and comfort food binges.
We no longer had to speak.
We told stories with our eyes,
and painted murals with mascara tracks,
and crimson tears washed down the drains
from our thighs.
Our weakest moments hitting carefully.
No shorts.
No skirts.
No dresses.
The truth kept behind stained bandages
tucked away in bottom drawers
quietly stuffing our ***** secrets into our laundry.
Red lipstick hearts
on mirrors and
X’s on the backs of our hands,
marking us discounted;
damaged goods.
Returned over
and over again
until insecurity was definite and hope
was a far off dream so
we stretched our clipped wings,
no longer able to fly so we
simply had to learn how to break
the falls.
So we tightened the screws on pencil sharpeners
so the blade couldn’t be extracted in a moment of
weakness,
then poured our heart and souls
into glasses and toasted to our futures.
I want to wrap you in laughter
and sing to you the soundtrack of
the best memories that we had.
You deserve this happiness
and tonight
you are alive
and you are beautiful
even if you don’t want to be.
So take my hand
and close your eyes.
Just listen.
I love you,
just breathe.