I think I'm gay
for you

Are you straight?
for me???????

Yolo

Sometimes,
I see the image of you in your white night gown,
Back at rigid attention as you binge watched
The same TV show for the second time that week,
So little life in you despite your posture.
I'm reminded of that terrible nagging feeling
That I really should turn around and walk back in,
Say something new and better,
Hug you tighter,
But I am late to the airport,
So I don't.
A month and a half later,
You were gone.
How I really wish
I'd missed my plane that day.

How could I tell you something that shames so much?
Now we could never really talk about feelings,
Always such a distance touch,
An impenetrable wall we both couldn't nudge,
So I've learned to fight my own demons,
Barely escaping ****** and beaten.

How could I tell you that you do not know me like you think you do,
And that I've lied to you,
Over and over,
And maybe that's why we aren't closer
I remember your stern eyes making wish
For an eternal slumber.

How could I tell you that I know I am your biggest disappointment?
That it hurts me to the bone because you have kept me in such high regard
But you only admire and are proud of a simple facade
And that you could never love the person I truly embody
As your perception of who I am is foggy
Not the son you wanted me to be,
But the one who will smash your vision of clarity.

How could I tell you that for so long I've cried myself to sleep,
The denial it ran so so deep,
Me and self-love are strangers without your acceptance,
Despite the nights I prayed for repentance,
None came just Divine resentment.

How could I tell you that even though you've suffered through so much pain,
That I'm just another hatchet that will bury deep within your skin,
That I'm the loser and there's no way to win,
Fresh scars of your hopes and dreams,
Faded dim,
Your affection of me, I know, will wain thin.

How could I tell you that I remember the look in your eyes when I exposed my naked truth,
As innocent as the boy in my youth,
You met me with harsh shards of reality,
Scorned my vulnerability and crushed my sensibilities
Searching for love unsteadily,
Screaming and crying wearily,
Desperately looking for light in those eyes,
But you met me with rejection;
Needing poetry to escape into my own fantasy,
Your eyes will forever haunt me.

How could I tell you that I have always loved you,
Despite the pain in my heart you put me through,
Like any child I cling to the memory of you,
So that you could proudly call me Son,
But you realise your expectations are undone?

No, Mum I don't want a wife and I don't like sports and I hate the taste of beer and I'm never going to be the man you want so preciously and I hate the sound of your voice when you shout 'cause it reminds me of the time you told me to get out,
So I tried to destroy myself.
Intoxicate myself.
Harm myself.
Laugh at myself.

How could I tell you that the reason I always look dead behind these eyes is that my home felt like a prison,
With you as the jailer,
Nervous and petrified if anyone would see my indecision if asked a simple question "Got a girlfriend Janal?".

How could I tell you that I love you,
But I can't change the way I am,
Despite the amount of times I've tried,
I can't go on living in a lie,
And I know you'll be ashamed of me,
And your heart will break
But I am not putting on a face to be fake.

How could I tell you that your real son is gay?
And that he hasn't changed and still loves you?
And he hopes that maybe one day,
You'll love him too?

Oct 2019
A Word About Coming Out

So it's National Coming Out day.
A moment to get it off your chest and say
that you're transgender, bisexual, lesbian or gay.
A lot of my friends I know feel this way.

I have brothers and sisters within Church walls
who feel this way too, but are terrifed to be called
any of these labels, lest they lose their home
and get stripped of everything they've ever known

their desires are talked about like these diseases
creases on their soul for which they could never atone
or iron out with good behavior
or the most devout times of prayer

I think of this, and my heart breaks for you
because I admit, I've been there too
wanting for things I'm afraid to say
because of the way that I could be shamed

I’m not so sure about using a label
to define an experience so unstable
yet I can't help at times but be distracted
by the reality that I'm same-*** attracted

The church, I think, is too afraid
to face the fact that there are many who feel the same
we shame these desires from a distance,
talking like it's us VS them, as if that ecplises
the fact that this can happen to any of us

can we trust that Jesus is not afraid of this?
That his body is meant to be a safe haven
not a place where anyone fears being hated
for things they have no idea how how to change
as if anyone had a clue in the first place

There’s been too many to suffer in silence
Too many have succumbed to violence
Because of feelings they never asked to feel
and pain we don’t seem to think is real

I know what the Bible says, and I know it’s true
but Jesus never beat someone with it like we seem to
he calls us to repentance, but we act like we don’t need to
Yet our sin of silently allowing this abuse is something that made Christ bleed too.

So can we have a conversation, no debate
that we speak the truth in love, not hate
That we come forward with open arms
Repenting of our silent harm

Brother, sister, I’m so so sorry
That I wouldn’t have raised up an army
to fight for your right to exist with me
because my own secrets kept me hiding

So I’m deciding here and now
to let you know you’re loved, somehow
and I pray before life’s final breath
I can know Christ’s love stood the test.