I'm not ok
Is that the first step I should take
Should I admit to my mistakes
Should I reach for another bottle
Cry about how much this aches
I'm not ok
But it's never going to end
Maybe all I needed was a friend
But now I'm holding to this blade
Tempted to cut again
Because every time I look into the mirror
I just want to ******* scream
I swear to God that I still hear them
And they keeps whispering to me
How my death is drawing near
I'm not as happy as I seem
So listen closely
I don't think you should love me
I only use you when I'm lonely
Wrap your arms around my neck
And start kissing me slowly
It's ******* crazy
I only think about it lately
My death
And I don't think someone exists
Out there that can still save me
I am sick
I admit that I'm not ok
An atheist that drops to his knees
Sometimes to pray
And I scream until there's nothing left
To say
Cry into my hands until my lips start turning grey
But every time I lay to go to sleep
I keep getting haunted in my dreams
Gasping and I'm sweating
Trapped inside the devil's schemes
"You're worthless, you should die"
Tearing down my self-esteem
So listen closely
I don't think you should love me
I always act so coldly
I'll smile to your face
But know that I am phony
And yes I'm crazy
I think about it
Much more lately
My death
And I don't want someone to
Save me

There's no one without flaws,
Like a paw without claws,
Fall seven,stand eight,
You are not your mistake,
Learn from it,
Before it's too late,
It's ok to fall,
To cry and bleed through it all,
It'll all make sense in the end,
Trust the journey,my friend.

I need someone...
I feel so lost, I don't know who I am or who I want to be...
You try to comfort me, tell me it's all going to be ok;
but it never is....
Why is it never ok....
I'm lost in this dark curtain of depression,
     searching for a way out of this hell i call my mind...
Please help me.... anyone..... I can't do this anymore...
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry......

if only you could see
i’m falling apart at the seams
a beautiful mess
as self distructuve as can be

Rushing towards the lights I awake
Just a dream
Or is it ?
My head screams inside
As my body lays in sweat soaked clothes
Squeezing my eyes attempting to forget
But my heart continues to remember
Is my body shaking
Or is it rocking from the truck racing to the scene
Alone in my house
Yet people are yelling , help him
My room is lit by ghostly flames
That darken my reality
The smell of smoke
Burns the image deep
As my nostrils flare trying
To catch my breath
Forcing myself to sit
My body is heavy
My pyjamas now bunker gear
I stand  in my bedroom and walk
Trying to awaken from
What haunts in the  darkness of night
      
Written by E.M.Rushton
June 1 2019
All ©️Copyrights reserved by E.M.Rushton May 1 2019

WAKINGUP...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~~~~~
I couldn't sleep again
only remembering thoughts
scattered like puzzle pieces
of back when
I was told in school
making friends comes second
happiness comes third...


MEANWHILE ATSCHOOL...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~~~~~
in poetry class
we were shown
how words can make hearts melt like snow
and that we each have the power
to thaw out the cold
from anybody with a kindle in their soul


AFTER SCHOOL...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~~~
in a parking lot
alone in my 98 Camry
I didn't just **** the engine
I snapped the cars personified neck
with the flick of my shaking hand

I hold a pen
a beautiful pen
from the girl who sat behind me in
poetry

from the glovebox
I hold a gun
a powerful fierce magnum
that spits fire across my temple
helping me get some sleep I've been dreaming
of...

People get tired of me quickly
They never stay around for long

Its like I'm artificial
I'm not actually myself
I'm not living my truth
I'm trapped in a mind that babbles
I only respond
I never create
I've trapped myself  

I'm living in a world that is a product of false pretenses
This world is a facade
A mere illusion
A distraction from the inevitable truth
That I am flawed
That I am broken
And I truly cannot be fixed

The senseless ticking of the clock of life
Rings in my ears
I used to feel alive
Now the clock serves as a reminder
that I am being forced to live out my days on a world that is filled with empty promises

I was always told that I'm never guaranteed tomorrow
I was always told to live life to the fullest
But how can I live life to the fullest
When I'm barley living at all

Hey you remember when you told me it was gonna be ok?
I believe you now.