Like an old boarded up house
Preparing for the storm ahead
All weak spots braced
for any rain fall
All fragile pieces hidden away for safe keeping
in case of any earthquakes
lights shut off leaving total darkness
in case of a power surge
This is how you prepare
Holding everything you hold dear close
Fire extinguisher within reach
radio on the emergency channel so you can hear every breaking detail
Constantly praying you didn't forget anything
bracing yourself for the worst
holding up in your comfort zone
Feeling safe here with no fears
No one gets in
No one goes out
Like the story of ***** Wonka and the Chocolate factory
But even in that story ***** had to let someone in
Slowly un-board your windows
The sun is warm
turn down your radio listen to the birds chirping
Turn the lights on the light is safe
open your eyes to the beauty this world holds
Don't live in fear anymore
This world isn't like your world but it's safe too
Let them see your world
They've been patiently knocking for ages now knowing you were too afraid
It's going to be ok
Don't give up hope
Face your fears
Hold your chin up high as you smile towards your newly discovered sun
The storm has passed

"Nothing, nothing's wrong,"
I wave concern away,
While I see their faces in greyscale.

"I'm fine, just stop worrying,"
I mutter, to them?
Or to myself, to persuade my own mind?

"It's OK, honestly,"
I lie to all,
While the world closes in around my head.

"Leave me alone, it's nothing,"
I scream as my legs give way,
They gather, I try to hide from their curious eyes.

"Nothing, nothing's wrong,"
I whisper on the ground,
Curling up to shield my ears from the echoes of confusion.

"Everything's going to be fine,"
I tell myself, forceful now,
I bat away the doubt that invades my mind.

But still there is no light,
I am not blind, but I can't see,
I am not angry, but rage builds,
Finally I snap,
A fist,
Contact,
"Stop asking."

I want to experience what it feels like to wholeheartedly love who I've become. To realize that one day the only person I need to keep sane is myself. Independence isn't about doing things on your own as compared to realizing what can be accomplished by yourself. If as if you are surprising and surpassing your own high expectations. And if what they say is true, that we ourselves are our own worst critics, then so be it. But when I wake up in the morning I want to feel proud that I  made it through an eventful dream, unlike the nightmares that still scare me even when I'm awake. Or the gloom that hangs over my mirror every morning while I cake on powders and gloops of color toning make up in order to be suitably eye catching. My push up bras don't even push up my lack of chest fat but in turn let my self confidence sag. I'm not always short enough for the boy I like to be a picture perfect couple. Nor am I tall enough to enjoy how the skyline kisses the horizon. My **** doesn't sway the way my steps take me further and further down judgmental halls with eyes that can shatter someone's assurance of themselves. My skin isn't naturally glowing due to the dull lighting guiding me way through this dim settled life I have set up for myself. The natural hair on top of my head isn't constantly in place; and alike the baby hairs, I myself am flowing wildly by which ever the wind blows. And I wish I can say I will someday appreciate the small things that I believe are physically wrong with me. Like the way my freckles become more noticeable in the summer. Or how my hair becomes darker in the winter. Or how my birthmark on my leg reminds me of South Carolina. Or how my fingers are allowed to touch everything beautiful.
*That's the way I want to be. That's the way I will be.

Because your mind is bigger than the milky way. As it stretches and bends between universes all i can think about is how your eyes burn holes into my absence. You sheets cannot even compare to how ***** your intentions are with each and every outstanding other walking the same plain as you. If as if your field branches while setting fire to innocent people with sins as cold as black. Yet at one point i thought i connected your stars. I thought the planets were completely aligned for only me. I thought all the galaxies just matched up perfectly together in such harmony that the gods would be jealous of it's perfection. But i quickly realized you my existence is nothing compared to this entire space

Don't tell me it was for my own good ,
if you're the one who benefiting from this mess .

I look up
I see lies
I look across
I see lies
I look in
I see lies
In every man's eyes
I see manipulation
The only truth I've known
Came  only for redemption
So fickle so true
My souls about as good
As one from a shoe
Beat me up take me down
I wont know any different
Inexperience is the death of the innocent

You don't need to reply my text in a ten to make me like you
You don't need to have a perfect skin condition
You don't need a artistically beautiful shaped accent
Nor do you need to sweet talk me into anything
Because you see
The boy who I loved had none of those things
We talked till the sun rose though now if I ever get a text from him
I will be as excited as if there was a solar eclipse occurring
His skin had many pimples but and his hair was another story
But I looked pass those and saw the way the dimples on his cheeks
Rose out and I saw the way his brown eyes lit
They were the most beautiful things I have seen
I no longer know his imperfections because I have fell in love
With every one of them
He never could complete a sentence without stopping to clear his throat
Though now he speaks well and high
But I am still in love with his long pauses
His pimples
His little stupid comments
Maybe now I have learnt
Maybe now things would be better
Maybe love could be better
After all
What is worse than falling in love with the most
Stupid boy

I really hope my best friend is ok...
Ive texted her and messaged her and called her a few times today.

she hasnt responded back...
I hope shes is alright.,....
I hope she gets back intouch with me at least by tonight.

I know shes going thru something thats so sad....
I cant imagine loosing a parent....but i dont have a dad...(well step)

I hope each day is easier and she can soon again smile.....
but im sure it wont be for awhile.

I still remember you ever so clearly,
the night you called me and told me you’d never leave me
and that’d you would protect me.
You said you care but you were the same one who left me
and the same one you stripped me of everything I loved.
I cried and cried over something I couldn’t get back anymore.
I longed to feel the same way I did as when I was with you,
you made me feel more alive
than the wounds on my arms and my stomach
and more secure than
when my mother kissed my forehead before I went to bed.

Funny how 12 year olds are falling in love
In and out of relationships
Thinking they know what love is
Here am I at 14, who loved a guy for nearly a 48
I was at 7 terrified that I could not love someone the way my parents loved
Though now at this moment I realised I made a huge mistake
I rushed
Plunged into it all
46 months I am at begging God to save me
To take away this craving for I know it is not meant to be