I am trying to pull myself together
Every single day, trying to make it through
I can't do this

I feel like a dog pulled by the neck
I can't seem to breathe and my breath has become someone else's
My feet are buried deep and I'm destroying the flowers I'm being dragged through

I stopped eating from the hand that once was there
I miss it but I can't seem to piece it all together
How something so full could pass faster than the weather

I can't stand on my own, I can't do this
I saw the beauty in things other's didn't
This beauty was never beautiful
Everything I did seemed to be wrong

I am everywhere yet I can't seem to grasp a hold of myself
My thoughts through my fingers
My breath is not mine anymore

I clearly remember your touch against my skin
From the goosebumps, to the very hair on my ******* standing
I wanted to run away but that only happened in my head

Two years later, I am constantly reminded with this engraved
You're happy in a two year long relationship
As I type this, my hair stands and I want to puke again

I never wanted to feel trapped and obliged
Ever since then, my hair never grew longer than to touch my shoulders
My skin was the only thing I could not change

But I tried
To lift as much skin off from my body to rid of what was left of you
To lift the memories, to make myself clean again
Till now, the hair on my arms remain, I am forever afraid

The thing about me is that
I write what I feel with so much positivity
Only to ruin my wrists again after a year

The thing about me is that I type texts
And I smile across the table to make sure someone eats
With that I shake my head saying that "I have no appetite"

The thing about me is that I love to run
I run and run, past trees, past people
All in all, I run away from myself.
The mirror behind the 4th door down from my living room

The thing about me is that I desire to be loved
Praying to God each day for him
Yet when he comes, I'll break up with him within a day

The thing about me is that I am every way of the word
Conflicted
I want to be alive yet I want to wave from above

It's been a near two years since I fell out of love with you
We were never together and I concluded we never meant

Fast forward to now, I knew that  I learnt a lot about love
When I was out of it
And when you grabbed my hand for the first time since then
I'm happy to say

I was first to leave

I wrote a pile of letters to you
Words unspoken most are true
I burnt three when you left
Two months later I saw you again and I wrote to tell you how I missed you but it got lost amongst the other heart breaks
I burnt another three letters
I saw you with your new girl, how you were laughing more than you did when with me
I burnt another letter
I woke up a year later wondering why did I waste all this time over you.
I felt suffocation but yet it was supposed to be over
Why am I still haunted over the fact that I loved you more?
I took all the letters I wrote and this time,
I threw it out

You looked good today

It's been awhile I've seen your smile reflected in your eyes
You were looking at her but that's okay

I just got off the phone with you and you sounded the same like you did when you liked the one who broke you
You weren't talking about me but that's okay

You were crying, talking about how life was so cruel, how she broke you and how you were never falling in love again
You got together with your fifth girlfriend and her eyes tell a different story but that's okay

It was all okay to me. How you kept loving the wrong girls. You never looked at me that way but that's okay because I was there when you were fragile and I am there when your feelings are raw.

It's okay if you didn't feel the same towards me
I just want to see you happy

How fortunate it was to have someone to confide in
Despite the spend of such a short time
Or maybe time just passed too fast when I was falling
Again

What happened those 4 years surfaced again
Am I one of the lucky ones?
Was God warning me not to fall too fast
Right one but wrong time

******* how I wished
Wished you felt the same I did
Where did your word go?
Am I really lucky?

I know you've been drinking more
And I guess it wouldn't be fair if I didn't say
I'm falling apart too
I'm running away from you

Love is who your happiness depends on
And I guess that's true because I haven't smiled in awhile
It's been awhile but I just want to say
I am forever grateful