The greenery of this place never fooled me
The sky just looks so fake,
the clouds are drawn on.
Im at the park on the swings
I need to feel something in my stomach before I waste away at the young ripe age of 5

Just 8 years later getting fingered on the same slide I was afraid of as a little girl
The wind from the past keeps the swings on the playground moving higher
Doing the things that are bad for me
Just to feel lighter

When I'm 15 I have no place to be
No one and nothing to call home
Not even my body is somewhere I know.  
I pop a xannie for the thrill
Hoping that stranger I messaged will take me away from the godforsaken place

This stupid park that holds me so captive.
Run away can't face what is happening
In my head, I'm already dead
Nothing is real
take a Xanax
I only like doing the things that are bad for me
I only like feelings if they're going to make me bleed
I don't care about the context
Of my universal insignificance, I can't even repent. Sitting here on the floor. Higher than the swings ever brought me.
Crashing harder and harder each time I speak.
I can't get off the swing.

And if my body was my home
Id burn it and everything to the ground
Rebuild it bit by bit from ashes
A home you cannot touch
A home you have not haunted.
One that's safe and peaceful free from your ghost
A brand new body
That your soul no longer hosts
My body cannot be a home
But maybe if I  dig you out
And remove your grave from my heart
I will finally have a body that I can rest peacefully in when I die
Instead of letting it rot from the inside out, while I'm alive.

What if God was the serpent all along
He is all knowing
he gave free will to Adam and Eve knowing she would eat the apple from the forsaken tree
Which shows that he has it out for me
The deal was sealed that very night
I shouted I scream and cried
I wanted the love I wanted the help
From the "all knowing" "all loving" "all powerful" omnipotent being
Begging for his heavenly father to use his Devine power to rescue me
Only to be left stranded and abandoned
The holy Father prays on our downfalls
And deceives us more than Lucifer, the fallen angel ever could.
The holy Father prays on our downfalls
He kept letting it happen to me even as I cry out and plea, multiples times over
God told me unholy little girls can't get into heaven
He watches the world burn and lets the devil take credit for his glorious destructive ways.
Haunted by guilt, consumed by shame
A little girls cherries bleed bright red For the game, right under a cross i beg and and I try, I ask god if he can close his eyes but he will condemn me for life
This time forced to live in eternal fear
The holy Ghost is not near
I cannot atone for sins that aren't mine
I will not be forced to abide.

What it feels like when I can’t breathe.
Like some thief just stole my joy,
Made me gasp for air.
It happens like this,
when I feel like no one cares.
Why am I like this?
So emotional,
Don’t they know it kills me,
to not be normal?
If I breathe in and out…
Like everyone else does.
Maybe I wouldn’t panic,
The endless teardrops barge past, my bloodshot, swollen eyes
Nothing about this is normal
But yet they criticize
Stop crying.
Just breathe.
There’s no need for tears.
It’s like being mocked has become my biggest fear.
It makes me feel insane.
And feel suffocated.
I know im not crazy,
I know im just different.
But for someone who suffers from, PTSD, there’s a big difference.
I have had my struggles and emotional trips. I have obsessive-compulsive thoughts that get stuck like a switch.
Some say it’s easy to handle
Just don’t think about it.
But once something is in my head, leaving doesn’t exist.
So if I’ve ever cared for you, you’re always in my head.
There’s no way for you to disappear even with a single med.
I just want to breathe normally.
I just want to be seen.
I just want to be okay.
I just want to be me.

Take a seat, you look tired
Did you hear what she said she liked our smile, she admired
Don’t trust them remember what happened last time
Please shut the **** up I’m trying to think of a rhyme

You are trying to heal yourself, you think you can do that
Don’t tell me to look back at the **** chat
You weren’t good enough for them, you think your good for the new group
It’s not going to happen, it’s not going to loop
Oh please your so ******* stupid, you care too much about people
Shut the **** up please, you and OCD are evil
We bring you back to reality, make you see things you don’t see
I’m not getting high again, I’m not getting the Peace-Tea

You don’t need a therapist, just keep being numb
You made me ashamed of where I came from
They laughed at you for your old skin color, didn’t they
Wish I could shut you up, wish there was a way
You used to talk to me every night when your heart was hurting
You make me ******* suicidal, stop flirting
Like how you did with death multiple times, once with the rope and now with the pills
They care about me okay, I know that **** I told them gave them chills

Why can’t you leave my head alone
Bought to ******* up and leave you red and blue, maybe break a bone
Oh please not this **** again, you ****** up my mind enough
Not just me but that girl also made it rough
I still have the scar from her, you guys ****** up my feelings
Yeah we did and you were almost hanging from the ceiling
The numb feeling is wearing off, almost cried in front of them
You think they give a ****, your not a rare gem

You know our family cares about us, they don’t hate us
Oh please remember the last time you tried to talk to them and what did y’all discuss
Please they never dealt with anybody with my type of mind, it’s their first time
Nah if they could they would sell you, actually nah you ain’t worth a dime
You don’t believe any compliment we get, we have no vanity
Have you not looked at the mirror, your hideous, honestly what’s this insanity
Come on they seemed really nice, maybe they were into us though
We are going to get in the way and you already know

Take a seat, you look tired
Did you hear what she said she liked our smile, she admired
Don’t trust them remember what happened last time
Please shut the **** up, I’m trying to think of a rhyme

ocd is
the loop
you can’t break,
a thought that whispers
over and over—
check again,
just to be sure.

you do what it says,
but the relief is temporary,
like a mirage
disappearing
as soon as you reach it.

you try to fight,
but the chains are invisible,
and they drag you
in circles.

There’s a need for severe repetition
And when objects are out of position
A ritual practice
Restores the exactness:
Obsessive compulsive condition