"He can't walk, he's on decline."
I was briefed as I clocked in.
an anxious robotic voice says
You have clocked in at 9:40pm
"When I get back from vacation He'll be dead"

I stand awkwardly at the landline phone and stare at him.
between us is the Clients bedroom doorway
The Client is asleep.

"When did he go to bed?," I say after a silence.
"Oh about a minute ago"
Breathing becomes fast and heavy from inside the room.

"I think it's a good time for you to go now"
I say, "It was nice to meet you."
"I'll be relieving you tomorrow morning at 8:30"

He leaves,
There is nothing relieving about this man
eager to back into each parking space
Lusting for his vacation in California
Caring for this helpless old man when I leave.

Architecture rivets as he walks down the hallway.
footsteps echo off the empty fireplaces and yellow wallpaper  
no tumbleweed in the darkness outside
only snow wet and black tar.
as he looks in the mirror his wax smile fades into his hairline

I shiver in the recliner at my journal.
I look at the man sleeping past the doorway.
This is my job now.
That man is my future
Destined for a Hospice Heart

I saw death,
no angels singing
nor plumes of hades

Energy relaxes
leaving spiritless flesh

No romance,
like that of a grim reaper
or noble feats on a cross

an evaporating mist

I saw death,

no strength I gained
but a feeling of shame

It's strange,
this feeling of immortality

in

we, the animated skeletons
of humanity

It's simplicity really,
there's no magic in death

I know I'm crazy..
Cuz, so said the doc
I'm sure, I'm crazy.
I love you and here's my ****.
But first, the daisies.
They're, I am, only for thee.

Said I was sweet
But no way in hell.
Slammed the door
What was I thinking?
Why'd I ring the bell?

Oh, the heartache, the agony.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Billy..

What'd I do? Can't go on living..
Think! For once... For once.
Razors! Yes!! Get 'em. Cut 'em.
Wrists lay limp and bleeding.

I tried to fly, far far away..
Landed where the cuckoos lay..

We sit in a circle. We're expected to talk.
Nurse in tight uniform, can't help but gawk.

Billy? Start the discussion, today?
N-no Mam. Got n- nothing to say.
Day after day after day after day.

In comes, the crook Murphy.
Nurse Ratched hates him..
Born a miscarriage, he liked to say.
Been away, said he, for a long time.
Girl he ******* was 15, going on 35.

Stole our cigarettes, turned the music down.
There's a game tonight, n I'm going to town.
Course, he didn't.. Fountain's too heavy.
Least I tried.. Did that much, I tried, didn't I?

They all hated him.
Envied him, but wouldn't say.
See, they'd all volunteered.
While Murphy, he really was crazy.

He became my mentor and i his protégé..
I laughed. I played. Had fun. I gambled.
I even stood up to Nurse Ratched.
That was the first time. **** it felt good.

Murphy knew. And told me too..
I wasn't crazy, don't need to stay
I didn't need doctors, nor lil pill gray.
I needed, a warm body, to make love to..

But how? And Nurse Ratched?
Why bother her? Why tell her?
She'll call a friend.. She'll call my mother..
She won't get it, Murph. She never does.
Billy, my boy, has she ever, the Big Nurse?

My friend was leaving. Party ensues in the cuckoo's nest.
Drinks, music, pretty ladies.. Crazies were in wild wild west.
Murphy whispers, she laughs. Heads my way, takes my hand.
I look back. Thank him silently. Craziest, kindest soul in all the land.

I wake up naked.. I'd made love. It was a new day.
Nurse Ratched looks at me. Like embers, her eyes were lit.
Aren't you ashamed, Billy? I was happy.. No, I say.
She says she's worried, how my mother would take it..

Emotions hit me from all directions.
Fear, guilt, shame all at once....
I beg her, Please don't call my mom
Have mercy please, won't you, Big Nurse?

All these days, I thought I was crazy..
In comes Murphy, makes me happy..
I wasn't crazy. I needed love, I was hungry.
Murph, was going out. He was a free bird.
He saw the whole thing. He didn't. Heard me cry.

It was kind of him to try on my behalf.
He's just a kid, he said, to all the staff..
But, I knew no one would cut me some slack.
Ratched wouldn't budge n I'd face the flack..

I'd had enough of this ****...
This life, this ****** pursuit.
I ain't crazy. Cuz Murphy said so, goddamit.
I lived, blissful, ecstatic. For just one night..
Wasn't that enough? Wasn't it alright?

I cut my wrists again, deeper this time..
No more drama, no pantomime..
I lived n I loved. Tis time for me to die.
I'm not crazy.. Not crazy. Or am I....??

The beeping machine continued its loud beeping
Our heroine sat in the plain, cheap bed
Her eyes were dull yet she was silently weeping
“I don’t think you can,” the doctor had said.

She’s fed up of the crack walls and white, ripped-off paint
Escape from reality she needed
Pity from her visitors is what she does hate
“I’m still alive,” she silently pleaded.

The beeping machine continued its loud beeping
She pressed the big, red button behind her
A handsome young man entered her room, panicking
“You’re alive,” the nurse said in a holler.

She silently spoke, “Why, if I was rather dead,
Would it make things better for you and me?”
“That’s not what I meant, I take my words back,” he sighed.
“I almost died worrying, don’t you see?”

The beeping machine continued its loud beeping
The handsome nurse still sitting beside her
“My shift’s almost over, I’ll be leaving.”
“Thank you, my nurse, for making me feel better.”

And days and months had passed since they knew each other
Days and months had passed, they became close friends
When she silently screams in fear and cries and cowers
He’s there to hold her hand until it ends

The beeping machine continued its loud beeping
“Young man, my ears are tired of the silence.
Sing me a song I’d never get sick of hearing
A melody beautiful and timeless.”

She silently giggled as the kind nurse tries
“Let’s go and hold hands in this crumbling world
Time flies when we look into each other’s eyes
I’ll save you from being alone and hurt.”

The beeping machine continued its loud beeping
She silently asked, “Why did you choose to stay?
Aren’t you tired of me, I speak without speaking
The people who once loved me had now gone away.”

The nurse wiped away her tears and cupped her pale face
“People like you are always worth the wait
I’m so scared of the world losing you, so I stayed
In this world full of suns, I’ll be your shade.”

The beeping machine started rapidly beeping
They were moving her bed after the alarm
As the young man stared at the girl soundly sleeping
He can’t help but ask, “How is she so calm?”

While walking back and forth, he silently listened
“On top of her sickness is another sickness,
Her attacks are frequent, her brain’s badly damaged
At this point, she had already reached her limits.”

The beeping machine was still rapidly beeping
When the nurse opened the door to her room
“Young man, did I look pretty when I was sleeping?
Because I want to sleep forever soon.”
She silently said that while smiling at her nurse
The young man shook his head and held her hand
“You want forever?...**** it, I can’t find the words
But please don’t leave me, do you understand?”

The beeping machine was still rapidly beeping
She cupped the nurse’s face and kissed his forehead
“Young man, for years I have been badly suffering
And now is the time I want it to end.”

“Remember when you sang you’re scared of losing me
And you’ll save me from being alone and hurt?
Let’s hold hands and finally set each other free
I’ll let you fall out of love, but turn off my machine first.”

The nurse held her hand tight and brought his lips to hers
“I’ll let go of you and now I won’t be greedy
Love comes and goes but to myself I curse;
I fell in love, and will always be in love for an infinity.”

The beeping machine that used to beep so loud and clear
Now stopped and so did our heroine’s breathing
The deaf girl that moved her hands to talk silently
for years
Left her lover’s heart silently breaking.

w.c